what to do – hannah ananas

What to do… slash I am a nutcase sometimes

I am having breakdown after breakdown with these graduate school essays. Is it that I really just don’t want to apply? I think not. Is it that I am scared of applying? Likely.

I am scared for various reasons.

I do not want to be rejected. I am good enough for this program. But I might not be a good match for it. So, if the school decides that I am not a good match, and rejects my application, what then? If the school accepts me, and I later find out that I am not a good match, and I end up hating the program, what then? What if I am a good match for the program/school, but I end up just not liking the studies? And am I applying because it just feels like something safe to pursue? So many of my co-agers seem to have resorted to graduate school whenever something else for work has not panned out as hoped. Do I resist applying, because I am worried that it will look like a sort of ‘I messed up and had no back-up plan, so I have to go to graduate school,’ kind of thing?

I like being prestigious. I enjoy being snobby. (Not like crazy, but to a certain degree, I mean.) I love the schools I have already attended, and I love being able to tell people that I attended them. They are special, well-known, highly acclaimed, and amazing quality schools. I feel like this one is nowhere near the same caliber, and holds very little respect in its name. The only way I would be comfortable attending it, would be if I had something amazing afterward, be it a spectacular PhD program or seemingly unreal work success. It is the kind of place where I would want to work, not attend school. Just like my teaching last semester, I want to be able to share about the school as someone who supports it as an outsider. Attending the school would feel in adequate for my own abilities, skills, and knowledge. I want a graduate degree, but I think I don’t want it from here.

However, is this fear coming forth, creating excuses for me? I suppose the best plan of action would be to apply to the program, and then see what happens. If they accept me, great. Now I get to choose to attend or not. If they reject me, great. Now I get to choose what else to do with my talents and my time. (I think I want to do the latter already.)

Okay. So, let’s finish this application, and let’s rock it!

P.S. And I know that I want the degree so that I can further my career in teaching, expanding it to English, as well as creating the possibility of teaching at the college level. However, I think that is precisely what has been holding gem back from seeing what is really there for me. That just makes so much sense. It is difficult to set aside things that make beautiful sense. If I take the step of this graduate program now, then I can begin teaching English quite soon. However, I love teaching high school. And I love doing other things, too. I am substitute teaching today. I love subbing regularly in a school, where I get to know the students just enough, but am not stuck to one subject area alone. Long-term subbing is kind of the best. Yes, it pays way less than regular teaching. But I love it. I want to teach part-time. Period. Even when I consider my life post-Master-degree, I still see myself teaching only part-time. I think what I fear the most is what I will do in order to sustain a part-time teaching lifestyle financially. Or, rather, how to figure out what to do. If I don’t manage that now, I will spend the next two and a half years freaking out about just that – if only in the background of my mind. I think I want to figure that out now. Now. 🙂

Post-a-day 2018

Something in your teeth?

Have you ever considered your opinion on the matter of what to do when someone has something stuck in his/her teeth? I often fall to the scene from “The Emperor’s New Groove”, in which Kuzco listens to almost nothing that Yzma is saying, and is, instead, staring at a tiny piece of what looks like broccoli, which is stuck in Yzma’s teeth, as he wonders, ‘How long has that been in there?’

I have considered my position on the matter, and several times. The most recent discussion I had with others on it was at my birthday brunch last year.* We – a somewhat large group of ladies – discussed earnestly what we felt would be the appropriate way to respond, when someone has something stuck in his/her teeth. The unanimous agreement? Tell the person. No, there’s no need to be rude about it, or even to be weird about it. But do tell the person, and in a kind way, simply informing him/her of the simple fact that something is stuck in his/her teeth, providing him/her with the opportunity to remove said something, if desired.

Almost immediately after we finished our discussion on this, and we were somewhat quietly beginning new topics of discussion, we overheard a person at the table next to ours calmly point out to the guy across the table from said person that he had something stuck in his teeth… We silently chuckled… deeply and to our cores, in an almost pain, so as not to give away that we had overheard the exchange, nor that we knew the person had clearly been listening to our own discussion.

*Well, some discussions in life happen alone, you know?

Post-a-day 2017

a place in our world

Sometimes I wonder about whether there really will be a place for me in our modern, developing world. There so many things that are becoming commonplace that go against so much of who I am. From the simplest tiny things to morals to lifestyle to core beliefs and thinking patterns, I notice a difference between so much of how the society functions around me and what is in me, myself. I realize that, somehow, I will have a place in the world, but I wonder if it is in the part of the world I already know, or if I will find myself in an entirely different society, somewhere else in the world… not in what I consider my home.

I just wonder…

Post-a-day 2017

Freedom’s Indecision

The trouble with having freedom in my future is that freedom can sometimes means too many options to focus. Right now, I know what I am doing for the next six weeks. After that, I’m really not sure. My current job will be finished, and so my life is open to options from there on out. What will I do next? I have total freedom (within the bounds of financial abilities, of course). And with that freedom comes an uncountable number of possibilities for what I could end up doing.

It feels like I have a new path I am considering pursuing almost every day. One almost could ask me, “What’s today’s fancy, Hannah?” And I’d have a different answer almost every day. A week ago, I wasn’t too sure about my cat, and I found myself wondering that I rather preferred his living with a family with other cats, and who wants him. This weekend, I have felt as though all I want is to move into my own apartment and to live with my cat again. (Despite the fact that I said several times this past year that I probably never want to live alone again.)

Talking with my stepbrother tonight, I find myself really wanting to pursue coaching and teaching. It has me wonder if I don’t just get excited about other people’s dreams and their passions, and I long to have the dream, the desire, the passion that they have about something, as opposed to the actual something. Do I want to coach and teach, or do I simply want the clear desire and love that my stepbrother showed for the two activities tonight? To be fair, I really did love coaching lacrosse (assistant coaching, anyway), so I’m not looking at something in which I have no background or foundation here. Nonetheless, it is still something into which I am looking regarding my future and my means of making money.

Anyway, … that’s what I have for tonight…

Post-a-day 2017

Poetry, I suppose

An aimless wandering does my life seem to be at present,
with no alteration in sight.
More of the same, and more of the same…
Everything is the same.

Except that I feel different from the rest,
and as though I am not meant to stay here
with this flowing, owing, wandering world.

I move differently, indeed,
but it is not enough – I know it is not.
I am still here, aimlessly wandering,
waiting…
for something, for someone, for me?
I can feel that it is almost time to go,
and I haven’t the slightest idea where that means.
But go I shall.
That I know.
And then I’ll know.

Post-a-day 2017