Really??(!)

Ugh…. this guy(!).

Part of me wants him not to be available even, so that I can stop even allowing for the possibility of something happening between on, and just move on in life (of course I unintentionally typed “love on” – sort of a Freudian slip, I suppose)… it certainly would be easier.

But it could be really, really fun and wonderful for him to be available and interested in yours truly… I think part of me wants him not to be available, so that I don’t have to deal with a chance of rejection… non-option is completely different for me than rejection, and I always seem to feel like I’m not good enough anyway, so I won’t be wanted by the gorgeous and good guys, in which case it feels better for them just to be unavailable from the start, so I don’t have to know the feeling of being declined for no one in particular…

How cool and awesome and amazing would it be, though, if he were available and interested in me?

Quite a breakthrough for me, if it were to be so, that’s for sure.

But I hardly allow myself even to consider it…

Anyway, I likely will allow myself one more day of this daydreaming and all, not allow myself to look him up online, and then require myself, in a sense, to get over it – enjoy him from afar and in a friendly manner, but place him in the ‘not a chance’ category and move on, without even being offended…. just accepting that my fate is not ranked highly enough for him, and we probably aren’t a true match, anyway…. you know… it’s just emotionally easier that way…

I guess we’ll just have to see how I feel whenever I actually see him next, and see if I can be the person I want to be, my best self, with him and the whole situation… it might go differently than it has with guys in the past… but we’ll see…

Hmm… it could be wonderful, but I hardly dare consider at the present moment…

Post-a-day 2019