Today was my cousin’s birthday, March 8th.
I spent it in one of my favorite places in life: inside a theatre during one of their final rehearsals.
I absolutely loved where I was.
I trusted myself to be myself, and I was myself.
And then(!) (And Thennnn, and, gentlemen, and Theeennnnnn!!!), I asked out one of the actors.
I actually did that, asked someone to go out with me.
I met him over a year ago, and wanted to date him instantly, but he was unavailable.
I placed the desire and the somewhat intense, actually, longing way off to the back and side of my mind, and I moved onward in life, only just slightly and occasionally wondering a version of, ‘What if…?’ around him.
And then, this Friday, I learned that he was not in that committed relationship from over a year ago anymore.
And my heart and lungs did a sort of flex and surge simultaneously, and I suddenly couldn’t stop wondering if he were seeing anyone at all now…, if he might not be available…, if he might have the potential of being interested in me…
For I was clear that I was still interested in him.
I’m pretty sure I wrote about him on here, even, and I still would say the same points of interest again now – if not even more. (Yep, I totally did, though only briefly.)
And so, after rehearsal, I called him to the side, away from anyone else – because I was not having this conversation with anyone else around, but I could not let myself go another two days without knowing, without doing something about this possibly spectacular opportunity that had just presented itself to me – and I asked him if he was seeing anyone right now (“Nope”), and then asked him out (“Yeah. Definitely.”), and it was terrifying and relieving and totally lovely.
When my mom came walking past shortly afterward – I had been on-task for her, helping with props, when I had talked to him, and I still was working (not terribly distractedly) when she came by – I said to her only, “I asked him out,” and she chuckled slightly.
“And?” She knew whom I meant.
“Yeah. Definitely.” I couldn’t even try to hide the smile on my face, if I had wanted, it was so big. 😛
After we’d finished all of our tasks for the night, and my mom was accompanying me as I unlocked and readied the Vespa, she looked him up OnLine(!), and started telling me facts all about him… as if it weren’t already going to be hard enough for me not to think about him constantly for the next 48 hours until I see him again (and then, who knows how long after that, too), now she was feeding me all the stalker girl information I could want (and would have barred myself from researching myself, because I never research a person I actually like)!
So, that was nuts but delightful.
All of it, actually.
What’s more, I’m pretty sure he’s younger than I am (though not by much), so I’m kind of rocking the cougar train, I guess… makes it all the more fun, I dare say…, because it truly is fun…
For the first time, I feel like I am truly trusting and being myself fully in such a situation with a man – I have spent so much time being worried around men, for all sorts of reasons, and tonight, at last, I was comfortable with myself and confident in myself FULLY…, and I acted accordingly, and asked out what seems to me to be an amazing man.
At the very least, he keeps eye contact in conversation, and it melts your heart every time (well, mine, anyway).
Eat your heart out… 😛
(I mean that as an endearing phrase from a beloved film, and not as anything else, just so we’re clear.)
Man…, I am so freed for myself, and joyed at my being myself – go you, Banana.
I love you, and I am so proud of you for taking care of you today.
My kakizome for this year are 自信と心 jishin to kokoro Self-trust/Self-confidence and Heart… they are my intentions, my goals, my points of practice for the year, and I really experienced and emulated them today and tonight.
No matter what specifically happens with him, this is all going to be great, and it is definitely a beautiful step for me in being the person, the woman, I want to be. 😉
Bravery and Beauty, Banana… bravery and beauty… 🙂
Wow… what a day.
Happy Birthday to my Cousin, and Happy Day to Me!(!!!!!!!!!!!) ❤