culture – Page 2 – hannah ananas

As planned

Well, that did not go as planned… nor did it go as promised.

So, I need to see how best to proceed with this. Feedback is important in improvement, – actually, feedback is valuable in everything – and improvement is important when things don’t go well. Degrading and denying feedback and avoiding responsibility for things that didn’t go well helps nothing and hurts much.

As hard as it is to accept that we have messed something up, it is extremely valuable to all parties involved just to acknowledge that we see that we messed up. What makes it even better is also acknowledging that we are committed to something better than what we produced. Then and only then can we truly improve something.

Please, keep that in mind whenever you mess up in the future (we know we all do it often enough, so it’s coming!).

Dear God, thank you for our safety today and our time together as a family. Thank you, also, for this opportunity for growth. Please, help me to grow well, pursuing and fulfilling your will in the process. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Shame

There is already a conversation on the concept of “Catholic Shame”, which is the idea that one feels intense shame at certain thoughts, feelings, and actions that may be somewhat commonplace or only a small deal in terms of sin, and it is especially strong for the realm of sexuality and sexual acts. I have both heard of this and experienced this much in my life.

What I hadn’t heard, however, was the idea of the Madonna-Whore complex as tied to Catholic Shame. Separate from the whole Sigmund Freud idea, it is the concept that Catholic (and Christian) women, once married, have trouble transitioning from the idea that sexual acts are always sinful to that they now are an acceptable and encouraged act of love with God at their center. Put differently, when, as a married woman, she participates in sexual acts with her husband, though those acts are blessed within the marriage, she feels like a whore… because she’s spent the first however many years of her life believing she must be a whore if she even wanted those acts, let alone participated in them.

So, that’s a new one for me… and I believe it most definitely will apply to me once I marry…

Post-a-day 2023

Sharing is caring

I shared last night my recent stresses about getting out with my man. It has grown increasingly difficult to get myself to go anywhere that isn’t absolutely necessary. I already had the touch of depression, then my hormones and such got a little more off than usual. Add to those the stress about money, and we have an effective recipe for my sort of agoraphobia to pop back up.

Granted, it has come in tiny waves the past few years, popping up in little bitty sports here and there. But it always settles back down and disappears into the sand after a couple weeks at most, and it never gets very bad in the first place.

But this has been different. It has been increasing steadily the past several weeks or so. I almost didn’t notice at first that it was stronger than usual, because I normally adjust my ways and it goes away. So, I don’t have to out much thought into it. By the time I paid it closer attention, it had progressed significantly.

And it isn’t that I’m afraid to go out and be around people. It’s that the idea of leaving the house and going somewhere that isn’t necessary seems a nearly-insurmountable task. And, when I consider surmounting it, I come close to breaking down and crying, feeling utterly inadequate, and just wanting to cuddle up into a blanket and someone’s arms (preferably my man’s) on the sofa and slowly fall asleep.

So, I told all this to my man last night. I was embarrassed to tell him, and even more so because I had waited so long to say anything to him. Clearly, I have been having an increasing issue, but I haven’t wanted to share about it, because I had felt like he would be mad at me, or maybe just even more frustrated at my stupid OCD-related crap… because my whole thing is that I’m not worth it, and this would be one more reason to hand him that would show how very much I am not worth it… Likely that is the real reason I didn’t say a word about it, though I never put much thought or conscious intention into not telling him.

Nonetheless, I told him. And I was sad and ashamed. And he said that he was okay. And I cried very hard.

And then I felt better. By the time I woke up today, definitely not rested enough, due to the crappy sleep thing right now and waking up constantly for the second half of each night, I felt loads better. I dealt with a lot of crap at school today, and then had no struggle heading to volunteering. I hung out there afterward a bit, then headed to Costco for gas and groceries for my man, forgot about Costco, because I was on the phone with my man, and went home to see my man before he went to the gym. When I was down the street, he asked what I was doing, because I was supposed to be at Costco. Oops. I would give him a kiss, then, and then go. And the next part was awesome, in its way.

He said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to go back out, if I came home first. I thought about it, and I realized that I was totally okay and that I would have no issue getting back out. I was grateful for that feeling. But I also was grateful that we had been able to discuss it clearly and honestly. I think that alone could have helped me tonight, had I needed the help to get back out. Though I didn’t need it tonight, this opportunity to discuss my struggles openly together could prove to be immensely helpful in the future.

And I am incredibly grateful.

Thank you, God, for guiding me to share last night. And thank you for this man. He is such a beautiful piece of your Creation, and an absolute blessing to me (not to mention the perfect kind of thorn in my side [or is it a rib, in fact, and we just never realized it?]). Thank you. Help us sleep well at night, please. Heal us all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Calling and Stressing

Sometimes, it feels like God is calling me in a certain direction, yet the world seems to be setting itself against my going in that direction. And sometimes, it feels like I am being offered a choice between two seemingly similar yet extremely different directions, and I truly cannot tell which is the one God is asking, recommending, calling me to pursue.

And sometimes, it’s both at the same time.

God, help me, please, to see clearly your will for me and my family and our life. Help me to see this next step clearly and to pursue and fulfill it with comfort, ease, and confidence in your guidance and will and love. Thank you for this life. Please, help me to live it at my best possible. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Opera

We went to the world premier of an opera today. It was called Intelligence, and was composed by Jake Heggie, with libretto by Gene Scheer. Also part of the team, directing and choreographing for her first time on an opera, was Jawole Willa Jo Zollar.

Now, a friend had originally scheduled to attend with us, but had to cancel due to a scheduling issue. So, someone else went with us at the last minute. The replacement person was truly delighted by the show, so we were really glad he was able to attend with us.

Not long after the show had ended, however, I got a message from the first friend, “How was it!?” (He could hardly stand that he hadn’t made it, and was already figuring out when he could get a ticket to go on his own later this week.)

My responses, in order:

It was cool
Very American opera
Haha
It was kind of weird in terms of flow, but I believe that was kind of the point
Cool how it’s based on a true story
Seeing how these two women significantly helped end the war
It was a cool combination of time period and cultures
But also totally an American opera, through and through 😂

I didn’t even have to explain myself, and I’m pretty sure he got it. Because, even though opera is opera, the old European opera is definitely a different animal from the modern American opera.

The friend’s response?

“Love that”. 😛

Opera nerds.

Post-a-day 2023

Jobs

I suddenly got the urge to check up on job postings for my man tonight (as I’m getting into bed, of course, because what else would I need to do when I’m needing to go to sleep?), so I did a quick search. I sent him one actual serious listing at first. Then I sent another that seemed interesting. Of course, it had shown up under the search criteria of “remote” for location, but, after checking after sending it to my man, I saw that it lists specific locations. Basically, that part was dumb. However, I’d already sent it to him. So, I iust added that I don’t actually want to move. It just sounded cool, and I liked that they included the salary range in the posting, so I was sharing with him.

But seriously, why do jobs not include a salary range in the posting in the first place???????? It actually matters, and it makes a difference on many levels. Plus, it would save a lot of time for a lot of people, including the ones who are doing the hiring in the first place. They waste loads of time interviewing overqualified candidates for low-paying positions, and also waste loads of time interviewing under qualified people for high-paying positions. Plus, who wants to get a job and find out after the fact that the company gave you the lowest possible salary, even though you’re massively qualified? Just be up front about it, please. Everyone.

Post-a-day 2023

Knowing

An employee is suddenly not at work on a Monday. The office is cleared out. The employee’s information is wiped clean from the online directories and website pages. It is almost as if the employee never existed… though the employee was there on Friday…

Not a word is said about the sudden disappearance and near-erasure of this employee.

In such a situation, we have a tendency to want to find out – to want to know what happened. We want to speculate. We want to discuss.

On one hand, we want to make sure we don’t make the same mistake or mistakes that that employee must have made. On the other hand, we just want to know. We don’t actually need to know, and we have no real reason we can name for wanting to know other than, simply, wanting…

And this landed for me in a new way today, as I discussed this whole scenario with another:

Is that not the work of the devil? I asked, almost surprised to be saying it myself. That was the whole deal with Adam and Eve – he set up a sense of ‘needing to know’, which had them eat from the Tree of Knowledge. That was the spark and the downfall for Adam and Eve… and it has been handed down to us, that same need to know.

He and I both sat there silently for a few moments, letting the idea sink in.

“That’s… a really good point,” he said.

We both kind of chuckled as we processed further exactly how good a point it was. Clearly, it had struck a chord in us both, for more than just the present scenario.

I mentioned how I was now reconsidering whole chunks of my life with this new perspective, and it was all occurring very differently suddenly. After all, I have already admitted plenty that one of my biggest struggles in life is when I have an experience of not knowing… either about how something is done or what is expected of me, and especially about what is to come next for me in life as a whole. When I now consider these instances of not knowing from the perspective of ‘the devil is who’s telling me I need to know,’ suddenly, I have a place of freedom around them all. The overwhelming thought is that ‘I don’t actually need to know, do I? God will make sure I know what I need to know. And He likely won’t tell me what I don’t need to know. So, I genuinely DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE ABOUT NOT KNOWING…’

About anything in life… I have no idea what actually will happen with my job in the next eight months. And, as I saw today, I truly do not need to know. That doesn’t mean I don’t prepare for different scenarios or prepare for success. It simply means that I don’t need to worry about the fact that I don’t know which scenario will be revealed. When it reveals itself will be the time for me to know and the time for me to respond. Until then, I can do my best where I am and head in the direction I feel called to go, to the best of my ability. I don’t know if I’ll make it that way, and that is totally okay. I’ll find out when I get there. If I don’t need to know, I likely won’t.

Perhaps life actually is on a need-to-know basis. Perhaps it is too heavy for any individual to carry, knowing everything… you know? My yoke is easy and my burden is light… because you don’t have to know everything I know. 😛

Goodness gracious… God is gracious, and God’s Grace is miraculous and wonderful.

Thank you for this blessing today, God. Thank you so much. And thank you for this love and this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Dress-up

We went to a theatre show that took place in Japan in the 1950s or so. Naturally, my mom and I wore kimono and looked awesome. When we first entered the theatre, the director lit up, he was so excited to see us dressed up as we were. One thing led to another, and I was entering into my schedule that I would show up the next evening for closing night to dress the director before the show, in kimono, of course.

My mom decided that she wanted to join me in dressing him, because how could she not? It’s quite fun to provide such an opportunity for someone, especially for someone who has never worn kimono before and has a desire and a reason to do so.

So, I packed up my men’s kimono – most of them, but not all of them, because some belong to my man and to my man alone – and headed back to the theatre this evening. We had a blast dressing him and picking which belt went best with the kimono he selected, and getting it all to sit appropriately on his non-Japanese body. Once he was dressed, not only was his delight visible, he went and showed all the actors and workers his outfit, and they all were really excited about his outfit. (Of course, they remembered us from the night before, because, well, kimono aren’t easy to miss or forget when they’re sitting in the front row for the entire show.)

As people began to arrive, the director was speaking with various attendees, and it was clear they all appreciated his attire. Plus, he just looked really cool. It was definitely the right color and all. I even had had him go take a photo on the actual stage, with its Japanese style walls and all, it just looked so complete a picture. It was just a really great way to complete the show’s run, and I’m very grateful I not only got to be a part of it but the source of it.

Thank you, God, for this blessing. Thank you for this life. Help us all to experience your love and to spread gratitude. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Here I am in kimono, looking wonderfully and ironically awkward

The director all dressed up and on stage

P.S. Always remember to play in life. Tonight’s playing dress-up was such fun, and I look forward to more play and fun to be had tomorrow in some way!

Post-a-day 2023

Only at rodeo

Only at a rodeo meeting can I casually mention that I discovered that Willie Nelson is 90 years old now, and have someone respond, and absolutely unpretentiously, “Oh, yeah… He is. He’s a long-time personal friend of mine, you know.”

These people. What a beautiful mix we all are. I love it and I am grateful to be part of it.

God, please, continue to bless us all at the rodeo. Thank you for the blessings you have granted us thus far. Thank you for the love and the learning and the countless opportunities to make a positive difference for others and to share your love with the world around us. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Searching

I’m just searching for some quality work clothing and a quality (used, because I can’t afford new) leather handbag. But that, apparently, is too much to request from our clothing industry right now.

And that is just so, so sad…

There is so much junk out there. There is so much junk that will get thrown away without ever being sold. And there is so much junk that will fall apart quickly after people start to use it. And it isn’t even a matter of just not buying the junk – there is too much junk and too little out there that is of quality. I cannot even find the quality stuff(!!!!). (Aaaahhhhrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The only place I’ve found not-junk (but also still loads of junk) has been as resale shops. I actually found a great leather handbag in one shop today – no, it isn’t even a name brand bag, because even most of those are rather crappy quality and aren’t actual leather anymore – but it is a bit big for my purposes. So, my search continues for the quality leather handbag.

Finding clothes has been distressingly difficult. They cost more than ever right now, yet their quality is significantly worse than they were even a few years ago. One distinct thing I noticed during the previous presidency was that product quality in general, clothing included, increased. Things were suddenly made better or they didn’t sell. And lots was made in the USA, and not crappily. It was suddenly kind of easy to find whatever I wanted as a product made in the USA and made well, and at a very reasonable price. Not cheap, but reasonable and worth the quality. Now, I am very much not into politics, but I have noticed that clear difference. During this presidency, there has been a weird supply chain issue, along with an intense drop of quality in products and a huge jump of products from China, and yes, I mean the crappy kind, exploding out of almost every store. On top of that, the prices of the junk are higher than the quality and quality made-in-the-USA products’ prices a few years ago.

Just the waste of it all is sad enough. But the lack of fair wages and intense markup pricing brings it all to a whole ‘nother level of sad…

Dear God, please, help us to restore quality to this planet, and on all levels. Help us begin with providing quality services, quality care, and quality products to one another. Help us all to learn to care about our own work and about the work of others. Help us to appreciate truly the value of quality work, services, products, and love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023