Tag: fear

Resigned…

But not in the poor emotional way – in the really good way(!) and from my part-time job. Yay!

I actually felt giddy after sending it in. My man said it perfectly that this is just an opening for what’s next now. I am ready to move forward from that work, and be my best self elsewhere.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity and this blessing. Thank you for this chance to develop myself and to learn how to be more and more myself each day and in more circumstances through this job I’ve had the past two+ years. Help me to use all of that to move forward powerfully and to fulfill your will. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Happy Birthday to me

My man planned to take me to dinner for my birthday tonight, since we agreed to plans with some neighbors for tomorrow night, my actual birthday. (It’s comfortable drinks with them at their house in celebration of her birthday, also the same day as mine, so it makes sense.) He spent a lot of time planning our flight to nearby College Station, recalling that I had mentioned recently that flying there just for dinner would be fun.

However, for my birthday, it has always been important to me to see my aunt (who is also my godmother). Usually, she makes every effort to make it happen. However, she and my uncle recently moved, and aren’t anywhere near as close as they used to be. So, it didn’t make sense for her to drive three hours plus each way just to have dinner with me the day before my birthday (because I was busy all day today and will be busy most of the day tomorrow, too).

In a last-minute change of events, my man determined that we could change the flight plan almost entirely, pass College Station by, and go to Waco to have dinner with my aunt and uncle. He was going to an airport of which he had never even heard, let alone visited, and was more than doubling the distance… and at night. Despite all the changes and uncertainties and newness of this plan, my man came through stupendously. Yes, I still had times of real terror and panic – how could I not? But, for the most part, he did a great job of informing me about what was happening with all the adjustments and all throughout the flights, and helping me thereby to be somewhat calm and alleviated from panic when compared to the previous and only time I’d flown with him before tonight.

I was running late getting home, due to traffic and being overly helpful volunteering at setup today for one of my rodeo committees, so we got to the airport way later than planned. Then, with the change of flight plan, my man had some things to sort out newly before we could depart. That meant that, instead of having dinner around 7:30pm, we ended up arriving to Waco at 9pm. We ate at one of the only restaurants open late in Waco – though, it supposedly is a big deal one, culturally there – which was heavy southern food, and had an amazing time with my aunt and uncle. Their car was completely decorated with streamers and mini balloons and shiny unicorn cut-outs all throughout the backseat when they picked us up, and it was quite the delight.

After dinner, they stood out where they could see the full runway, and watched us take off, wave the wings, and then do a quick low-flying pass over the runway, before we headed home. Until tonight, apparently, they hadn’t known that my man even has a private pilot license. Well, now they know(!). 😛 Haha

The flight home had some tiny technology/mechanical issues, and his fidgeting with controls to see about sorting it out somehow really freaked me out. In my head, something was going to go just perfectly wrong that a wire somewhere would spark and catch fire… Really, though, I just don’t know enough about how planes work, I think, in order to feel comfortable with such a scenario as we had tonight. I struggled immensely to let go of this fear and to give it up to God. And I had to do it over and over again, every time he tried to fiddle with it and fix it again. I was seriously distressed and working very hard to trust in God that the outcome would be His will, whatever it may be. I trusted my man’s own skill and training, but I had much trouble trusting the plane itself and God’s will.

Within ten minutes of landing back at the home airport, fog overtook the whole area. Had we been ten minutes later, we likely would have been unable to land (for safety reasons) due to the immense fog. We were just in time.

Now, as I’m falling asleep anyway, I’m going to sleep.

Post-a-day 2023

Hmm

It’s almost my birthday – in two days – and I still have nothing planned for myself. I wonder why I’ve usually felt like people don’t care about my birthday…

Anyway, I started with daily mass and reconciliation last year, and it served me well. I’m very much interested in starting the same way for this year, too!

God, guide me, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Rodeo time

Well, our first rodeo shift went rather well, especially for a first shift and for only the second day of cook-off. We only got yelled at once, and it was by someone on the committee who clearly needed to ‘be in charge’ and ‘be the boss’ for the minute, without having any idea what actually was going on in the moment. And we got it all handled quickly, anyway, and that person left, because her shift was over, anyway. Aside from that, things were mostly normal and good.

My mom and I stopped in a bathroom on our way out, and I realized then that I hadn’t yet seen myself in a mirror in my rodeo uniform. I had always looked at myself in the mirror during rodeo, in our uniform, I mean, and felt that I looked so blah and not-womanly and not-pretty. I always looked a little bit of a mess, somehow, even if I was freshly cleaned and brushed and whatnot. There was just something about it I couldn’t seem to shake off: I didn’t look very good in our uniform, the black cowboy hat, the vest, and the white collared button-down shirt.

Last year was the first time that, suddenly, I not only didn’t look not-very-good anymore, but I actually looked pretty. I looked like a woman. I looked beautiful. I was wearing the same exact uniform as the year before, the same shirt and vest and hat. And I had the same long hair, just a few inches longer. Yet something was different, because I was pretty. It made me smile like crazy whenever I looked in the mirror. And I noticed that I looked at myself much more often than in the past. It felt good to see myself looking so good. It was the opposite of a Catch 22.

This year, I have short hair. And I’ve been a bit of a mess off and on in terms of looking feminine and pretty and all, ever since I cut it. It’s just about shoulder length now, and I was worried I’d be back to looking boyish again, and very much not pretty.

And yet, when I saw myself in the mirror tonight, I was shocked. My hair somehow looked perfect and cute and girly and pretty. I looked beautiful, gorgeous, good. And so it began again, smiling at myself in the mirror. I look forward to seeing more of this beautiful woman in the near future. This truly shows that what’s going on in our heads impacts a lot in terms of how we appear physically. When I’m happy, healthy, holy in my head, so, too, isn’t body. When I’m uneasy, stressed, and feel like I’m not worth it, so, too, is my body.

Thank you, God, for this blessing of joy that has caused such wonderful beauty in my life. Thank you for this life, and thank you for this love. Help me to share your love, especially with those who so openly share love with me. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Improving

I accepted where I was in my relationship with my part-time job. I created a rough plan of action to resign. And then, an opportunity arose. I will trust myself and God as I consider this opportunity and see where it may lead, because it feels genuine and right to do so. I don’t know what will come of this next week and the planned conversations, but I expect I will be complete with what to do about the job in a week’s time.

Thank you, God and Universe, for this beautiful response to my trusting myself and taking action. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Hmm

Well, I received my black belt. It literally has my name on it. It’s actually quite pretty, really. And, as for the performance we did, it went really well. Also, my mom got to participate in the whole ceremony, too, kind of like last week. Everyone else had a black belt carrying in their belt to the ceremony and presenting it for us. Most of them had a parent as that black belt. But I had a brown belt, my mom, carrying and presenting mine.

When we removed our black-belts-in-waiting belts, the brown with a black stripe through the center, our head instructor had originally just told me we would be handing it to a family member in the audience. Okay, no big deal. I’ll hand it to whomever, so long as he or she is in the front of my family section. Easy peasy. When we actually tied the belts, and she announced to go hand them off, she announced that we were presenting them to ‘the person who had been the most influential in our karate career’. Uuhhh… not what she’d said before… Well, of the options, obviously my mom had played that role. Fortunately, she also was sitting on the front row, making it easy to present the belt to her. I was sure to turn it facing her before presenting it – true Japanese style, of course – and thanking her.

Then we went off with no belts on, breaking rules of the uniform – you never wear the top without the belt and the pants, and without wearing them all fully and properly. Only the pants can be worn without the rest. Then, we changed into our new white uniforms to receive the black belts, again and still breaking the whole uniform rule for another few minutes.

But then the cute and dramatic procession happened, presenting all the belts in rank order, alongside our individual black belts we would receive (carried by our selected black belts and my selected mother who has a brown belt) to music. And we all went back out there one at a time while a photo slideshow played for each of us. After that, we finally were given our belts, and they were tied on for us by our head instructor, and we were officially black belts. So, yay!

It was a good time. So was dinner afterward with my family, and the occasionally chatting with others at dinner.

Separately, I’m still sick. Ugh. Almost no yellow remains in my nasal passages, but the coughing just won’t give up. After tomorrow, I will know if I need to go for more doctor stuff. Ugh.

Also, my apartment lease ends tomorrow. We scheduled a walk-through with the office at 4pm tomorrow. My flat-mate sent me a screenshot of an e-mail she received today – but that I did Not receive, even in spam – that says the office is closed tomorrow. No idea how that is going to go down, but I’m going to pray much about it tonight and tomorrow. This process with this complex has been a huge hassle from the start, and I’m genuinely concerned about what they might try to do to us. Please, say a prayer for our easy move-out tomorrow, if you’re able.

God, help us move forward easily from all of this. Heal my body. Heal my man’s body. Heal all those in need of healing, that we might all serve you better and share your love more effectively. Help us to have a smooth completion with this apartment complex. Please. Please, help me to release this guilt I feel around signing that contract in the second place. Help us, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Well, I passed(!)

I went early today and made up everything I’d missed last night and the night before. I was still definitely sick and under recovery, but I had to go, so I went.

It took a lot out of me just to hold up my hands, let alone do the self-defense techniques, and multiple times in a row. We usually yell on the last strike, and it felt really odd not doing that today (saving my throat from torture, you see, and helping me to keep breathing as a whole – even a deep breath would send me into a fit of intense and slightly scary coughing).

After that, people started showing up for the fight night. We each sparred 16 people for 90 seconds on ongoing sparring each. The ongoing part means that we have no break during those 90 seconds – the clock doesn’t stop, and neither do we.

It was tough, especially being so short of breath and low on energy to start the whole thing. But I made it through, and decently well. I even received several call-outs on having done a great job sparring, which was quite unique and cool. I don’t typically have a bunch of people watching me spar… nor do I have them watching me spar for 16 rounds…

For our last round of 90 seconds, when we are at our end of energy and have our last effort to give, we are meant to spar the person who has been the most influential for us in our karate career. Now, that can be interpreted in various ways, though most people choose their main instructor for this last match. Not all, but most.

When I thought about this, I wasn’t sure whom to request. It went weeks without my knowing what to say or do about it. Eventually, when we were discussing my predicament, my instructor asked whom I wanted for that match, “If you could have anyone, who[m] would you pick?”

Instantly, I knew. “Sam C—,” I said. She smiled sadly, and understood why I had had so much trouble. The most influential person on my karate career had been my original instructor, when I was in the junior division. His classes were the whole reason I returned to the organization years later as an adult, as opposed to going to some other form of self-defense or fighting training.

He also passed away a handful of years ago, and I had only learned of this fact when I re-started karate a few years back.

My current instructor had only joined the organization after his death, and had not known him personally, though she had, apparently, learned much of him. He was a spectacular teacher and coach. And he was terrifying, in a sense – you were going to do as he said, and without hesitation – yet it was clear that he loved and cared about his students. I never consciously thought, He loves me, or anything like that. But, if I had been asked, I would have been able to say with full confidence that he loved me. The best teachers usually do love their students – that’s a big part of why they are such good teachers. They truly are here and teaching for us, and for our success.

Anyway, all that to say it really didn’t work to have the person I truly wanted for my final fight.

So, I thought again. Who else had been in similar standing with Mr. C— for me in karate? Well, that answer was clear, too, once I asked the question: my mom.

She’s the whole reason I started as a kid, and her having become a brown belt was the main reason I had ever wanted to become one. Granted, I had now surpassed her rank of brown belt, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that it was all through her that any of this was possible and actually happened in my life.

After weeks of allowing her space to ‘think about it,’ she finally agreed fully this morning. I had had a feeling that she would do it in the end, though she had declined my original invitation to join just as one of the 16 over a month ago. She understood why I was asking her now, as well as the importance and significance of it. And she also appreciated that I would be exhausted by the end of all the sparring, and so necessarily would ‘go easy’ on her. That definitely helped. And the fact that I’m recovering from a sinus infection, and so literally couldn’t breathe as well or move as well as usual. So, she messaged this morning for details about tonight, and I was ecstatic and grateful. She even had to borrow sparring gear for her hands, head, and shins, because I had commandeered her head and hand gear for myself a couple years back – naturally, my child-sized gear didn’t work so well for me anymore. But my foot gear and shin guards did. (I guess she missed her shin guards when she was looking.) But she borrowed the gear and pulled out her old uniform and t-shirt and all, and she showed up.

As soon as we started our match, I instantly began to cry with emotion, of course. Should have seen that one coming, I know, but I hadn’t. Haha

Our match was actually quite fun and a real match, which made it all the better. It was a great closer for the evening and the week and the whole candidacy season.

Afterward, we all retired our brown belts, and we were all granted our black-belts-in-waiting belts, which are brown belts with a black stripe through their length. Everyone else had their main teacher/parent – because multiples have parents who are black belts and teachers – accept the brown belt, hold it up, and pull it taught into its final tie/knot, officially retiring the belt. My mom got to do mine. She had already taken off her top and her belt, so no one likely even noticed that she wasn’t a black belt. We both thought it was silly that she was ‘sneaking in’, but it was also really cool. And it was perfect that she’d taken off her top and belt already, and was just in the old black shirt for our school under Mr. C—. It was perfecto.

Then we were given our eight-day belts, and it was sobs all over the place. Our main instructor started it, just to be clear. Haha

Okay, I must sleep now. So, final thing: Our final scores were calculated before the sparring began, and announced at the end of the sparring. The scores were based on our physical fitness tests, our kata performance, our self-defense skills, and our written test on history and rules of judging and sparring and teaching. The total was several hundred points all together. She announced our grades a percentages. And mine was the highest, with 98%. That was quite cool.

Also, my mom and my man came tonight and watched me the whole time. That was awesome, too. I am very grateful that both made it.

Thank you, God, for this blessing and this success I have had. Please, continue to heal me, and heal my body rapidly, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Moving forward

I keep feeling like it is time to move forward from this part-time job I have. Yet, every time I do the trainings and read its… actually that isn’t true. I was going to say that every time I do these trainings for the company and the job, I find myself really liking this company. Well, it is half true. I do find myself really liking that the company does certain things in certain ways. I thin they are a great company, to a degree. However, every time I do these trainings and read this company info we have to read, I also am shown more and more divide between my beliefs, morals, and goals with life and those of this company. Frankly, it is stressful, infuriating, and heartbreaking how isolated and wronged I feel simply for existing as I was born and as I aim to be my best self in this life… because of this company and the claims and stands and changes it makes. It aims to diversify and be inclusive, yet, in the process, excludes the majority… and doesn’t even seem to notice or to care. And that hurts, and not just for me.

So, perhaps it really is time to move onward from this job and company. It was exactly what I needed when I started working there. Now, I think it is time for what’s next in my life. It is time for something more, and something fulfilling, in the many ways this job no longer is.

God, grant me the grace and determination to do well with this move forward. Help me to have kindness and clarity as I communicate it effectively to those who need to know. Help me to be my best self and to pursue and fulfill your will. Thank you for this life and these beautiful opportunities, as well as your always-perfect timing. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Being one’s best self

What does one do when one loves another and wants the best for that other person, yet one disagrees with that person as to what is best for that person’s health and well-being?

Really, I’d like to know…

I suppose the only true answer here is to pray – let go, and let God.

Okay, God, I give it up to you. I am terrified, and I give it up to you, nonetheless and all the more. I trust in you. Please, help us to see clearly and to pursue your will and your love. Help me to speak the words that need to be spoken, to say what needs to be heard. And help us both to hear what needs to be heard on all sides. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023