Today, I have been angry and frustrated and annoyed with most of the world around me.
The simplest of things have sent me emotionally flying off the handle.
Though, I have maintained calm enough in my interactions so as not to have this be obvious and/or offensive to anyone today… the whole digital interaction certainly makes that easier to manage.
Nonetheless, I have felt myself ready to curse and throw things at people throughout the day, and have been borderline tears at almost any given moment.
For weeks, I have already been stressed as people ask me, “How are you?”
I already wrote and shared a song that declares ‘No, I’m not okay, so, please, stop asking… I’ll get there eventually, but just stop asking for right now, please.’
I have begun opting to decline answering the question and to move forward in the conversation… people find it odd, but they get over it, and I don’t have to be further stressed in attempting to answer the question.
(Because no, I will not lie and say that I’m fine, when I am not fine… period.)
Today, too many people were asking me about how I am, and in various ways… I wanted to yell and throw things at all of them…. and at the people who couldn’t get their s*** sorted when I explained how to do such-and-such for them…
It’s been rough and tough for me today, and on many levels…
And no, it is not premenstrual syndrome, aka PMS… wrong time of the month.
My closest friend here in town left today, moving to VA.
And I don’t miss her yet – nothing like that – but I have been presented more and more strongly with each passing day the question of whether I am living my life properly right now.
She’s not only my closest friend here, but the only one I see regularly… and I usually see her multiple times a week.
And it usually was just to hang out – nothing special (which made it all the more special as a friendship).
This now presents me with the fact that I have no close friends, and no daily friends here anymore.
I don’t have anyone to check in with or who will check in on me… I don’t have anyone just down the street anymore… I don’t have anyone to love me simply by spending time with me.
I’ve thought a lot about it today… what I want most right now is to have someone:
1) Tell me that I am loved,
2) Tell me, practically speaking, that what I am pursuing in my life right now gives value to the world around me, and will continue to do so the further I pursue it,
3) Tell me that I am on the right path for myself and my life right now – and that he/she has full faith in my ability to succeed profoundly with it all, and
4) Laugh with me… a lot… until my body hurts so much from the laughter, I don’t know if I can take it anymore.
For now, though, I will do my nighttime stretches and reading, and I will go to sleep.
The irony of this is that my daily reminder today is “Today, I remember to love and to be loved”… I still haven’t marked it as completed…
One fun plus to all of this stress and crying tonight – I managed not actually to cry until this evening for the first time, when a friend who knew I was struggling actually called me to check in for real on me – is that the slight bit of allergy edge to my nasal cavity right now makes it smell like a swimming pool whenever my nose starts to fill up with snot… and so, I am transported to sunny pool days of my childhood right after I blow my nose every time (from the crying)… and that makes me smile genuinely. 🙂