Tag: adulting

Stick with it, hon’

Sometimes, it feels like either everything or nothing comes my way.  For quite some time, I have had a lot of nothing seeking me out, but I always had this feeling about how, ‘In June, I will know.’  I don’t know where I got the idea and phrase – call it divine inspiration, if you will – but it just came to me one day as an answering thought to my wondering about what my next step in life and work will be.  As though in a conversation, when one person responds to another’s question or concern, the thought appeared in my mind.

And so, I have put forth my efforts in what I have been doing, as well as stayed open-minded for what could be next for me.  Now, here I am, so close to June, and it looks like I have a whole handful of solid possibilities for what might be next in my life.  I hadn’t even realized how close to June it is, when I realized today how crazy it is, that I suddenly have what feels like a hundred opportunities knocking at my door.

Just as I had done earlier in the year, I will persist in pursuing these beautiful ideas and options that have come my way.  In doing so, perhaps, in June I will know which one or ones are part of my next semester in life.

Post-a-day 2018

Being Beautiful & Powerful

Here, I will paraphrase a piece of a conversation I had with my mother this evening.

……………………

Mom: You are living in a culture that doesn’t see that as normal.
Hannah: And I am simply one of the frontrunners of the movement, actively working to have it be something that is seen as normal.

…………………..

It was a conversation we had while dancing at the food truck event in a neighborhood.  It was casual and fun, and we both chuckled during the conversation.  And we both meant what we said.  It felt good to state definitely that I am part of a movement.  It sounds silly to me now, but the fact that it sounds silly is kind of exactly why I am part of it.  And it is not only a powerful statement, but it is fun.

Pictures to come in the future, and hopefully in the very near future.  🙂

Post-a-day 2018

Absurd Mothering

I occasionally worry about the possibility of my having kids of my own.  And by kids, of course, I mean children, not goats.  My brother has goats already.  They’re really cute.

Anyway, the main genuine worry that I have regarding my having children of my own, is the concern of what I might name them.  I thought my cousin had it crazy enough, when she said that she would like to have a girl, and to name her Jacques, pronounced “Jake”.  But I’m over here in the shower tonight, contemplating having twins, a boy and a girl, and naming (and calling) them Penny Lane and Abbey Road (respectively, I think, but I’m not set on that).  And then I get all concerned, because I worry that I might actually do that, if I have children of my own to name.  Either that, or I’ll not actually give them set names until they’re six months old or something.  And, even then, I might still give them absurd names.  I could actually see myself doing this to my dear children.  Though, perhaps I would give them somewhat ‘standard’ names, so to speak, and then just call them these absurd names I have.  That way, I could use multiple absurd names on each child.  Having children is absurd enough as it is – at least give me a little bit of fun of my own to have, you know?  (And, yes, I do know that I am somewhat totally crazy here.)  🙂

If it didn’t really matter, what sorts of absurd names would you give your child/children? Think about it.

Post-a-day 2018

College

He had stayed home that night, because his program was intense – he had a lot of work to do.  He had been invited, but he didn’t go, because he did work instead.  His best friend went, though.  He wasn’t in such an intense program, and could spare the night off easily enough.  Everyone there had thought that the best friend had fallen asleep.  Perhaps he had.  Eventually, though, the combination of this and that and ecstasy had stopped the best friend’s heart and life.  But everyone thought the best friend was asleep.

He had stayed home that night, but his best friend hadn’t.

Contemplating how things could have gone differently, if he had gone to the party that night, now that is one easy way to go crazy.

So, I don’t.

Post-a-day 2018

Childhood fears growing old with the best of us

You know how the crescent rolls and biscuits come in a sort of cardboard and tin canister?  And you know how you “PEEL HERE” around the middle of the canister to open them up?  And you know that sudden POP! that comes at some unknown point in that peeling back/around process?  Yeah, I know I’m supposedly a grown-up now, but I am still slightly terrified of that pop.  I totally jumped and heard myself yelp today, when it did its little, shocking pop!.

Post-a-day 2018

What to do… slash I am a nutcase sometimes

I am having breakdown after breakdown with these graduate school essays.  Is it that I really just don’t want to apply?  I think not.  Is it that I am scared of applying?  Likely.

I am scared for various reasons.

I do not want to be rejected.  I am good enough for this program.  But I might not be a good match for it.  So, if the school decides that I am not a good match, and rejects my application, what then?  If the school accepts me, and I later find out that I am not a good match, and I end up hating the program, what then?  What if I am a good match for the program/school, but I end up just not liking the studies?  And am I applying because it just feels like something safe to pursue?  So many of my co-agers seem to have resorted to graduate school whenever something else for work has not panned out as hoped.  Do I resist applying, because I am worried that it will look like a sort of ‘I messed up and had no back-up plan, so I have to go to graduate school,’ kind of thing?

I like being prestigious.  I enjoy being snobby.  (Not like crazy, but to a certain degree, I mean.)  I love the schools I have already attended, and I love being able to tell people that I attended them.  They are special, well-known, highly acclaimed, and amazing quality schools.  I feel like this one is nowhere near the same caliber, and holds very little respect in its name.  The only way I would be comfortable attending it, would be if I had something amazing afterward, be it a spectacular PhD program or seemingly unreal work success.  It is the kind of place where I would want to work, not attend school.  Just like my teaching last semester, I want to be able to share about the school as someone who supports it as an outsider.  Attending the school would feel in adequate for my own abilities, skills, and knowledge.  I want a graduate degree, but I think I don’t want it from here.

However, is this fear coming forth, creating excuses for me?  I suppose the best plan of action would be to apply to the program, and then see what happens.  If they accept me, great.  Now I get to choose to attend or not.  If they reject me, great.  Now I get to choose what else to do with my talents and my time.  (I think I want to do the latter already.)

 

Okay.  So, let’s finish this application, and let’s rock it!

 

P.S.  And I know that I want the degree so that I can further my career in teaching, expanding it to English, as well as creating the possibility of teaching at the college level.  However, I think that is precisely what has been holding gem back from seeing what is really there for me.  That just makes so much sense.  It is difficult to set aside things that make beautiful sense.  If I take the step of this graduate program now, then I can begin teaching English quite soon.  However, I love teaching high school.  And I love doing other things, too.  I am substitute teaching today.  I love subbing regularly in a school, where I get to know the students just enough, but am not stuck to one subject area alone. Long-term subbing is kind of the best.  Yes, it pays way less than regular teaching.  But I love it.  I want to teach part-time.  Period.  Even when I consider my life post-Master-degree, I still see myself teaching only part-time.  I think what I fear the most is what I will do in order to sustain a part-time teaching lifestyle financially.  Or, rather, how to figure out what to do.  If I don’t manage that now, I will spend the next two and a half years freaking out about just that – if only in the background of my mind.  I think I want to figure that out now.  Now.  🙂

Post-a-day 2018

Like kids in the sandbox

Today, near the end of the gather which I had been nervous about attending, I had a wonderful bit of conversation.  The following is a rough transcription of it.  Keep in mind that it was all in a state of slightly hysterical laughter.

There is a pause, and we both glance at one another, as I grab my phone off the standing table.
(I’m this one) H: Do you wanna be friends?

(The other girl, who got engaged last night) K: Yes!  I was just thinking about how to ask that!

We laugh all around, and she quickly pulls out her phone.

H: … I know that it’s a rather commonplace and normal thing for people often not to say what they mean.  But I do my best to say what I mean, right?  And so, recently, I said to someone, ‘Hey, you said you find yourself in Houston sometimes.  Do you wanna try out being friends?’  And I meant it.  But, when we first met up to hang out and do something, it apparently was a date.  And I didn’t know, because I had meant what I’d said about trying out being friends.  So, I’m a little hesitant about using that phrase now, because of that just recently.

K: Well, don’t worry.  I won’t ask you out.

And then, as we were partially keeling over in laughter at our own conversation, her fiancé adds: I feel like this is little kindergarten kids in the sandbox.  ‘Hey!  Wanna be Best Friends?!’

Within 30 seconds, as the Facebook Friend request was approved, K declares quickly:  Okay, we’re friends now.

😀

 

It was a good conversation.  Now for the follow-up, because today was a very good beginning for a genuine friendship.  😀

Post-a-day 2018