Tag: adulting

OCD

Having OCD really, really…, really sucks, sometimes.

But I am grateful to be married to a man who loves me so well and whom I love.

…

But OCD can just really suck.

God, help to heal me, please. Ease our communication struggles with one another, and help us to find comfortable and easy communication, especially on the hard moments with one another. Thank you for this man, my husband, and this opportunity to grow together and through and with you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S., God. Would you make clear for me my next step regarding my work, please? I feel a change coming, but am unclear right now what specifically to do in the moment. Help me to see it clearly, so that I may do it, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Exhausted

Happy Groundhog Day and day we almost used for our wedding date!!

Actually, I almost cried several times today. And not even over anything individually worth crying. I was just so pushed to a point that all the normally manageable hassles and annoyances and unkindnesses were just too much for me today… I could take it, but I was nearly unwilling to take it… I didn’t want to make the effort anymore.

I apologized or clarified to my students several times today that I was not trying to be mean or harsh, and that I was just stressed and exhausted and worn down, and I didn’t mean for it to come out negatively toward them. I didn’t want to have to be saying that to them, but it was the responsible thing to do. And they got it. A few of them were also very worn down from the week for their own reasons, so they could relate at least somewhat.

But, man, were my buttons pushed today… and I so was close to not caring anymore and throwing out reason for revenge. Sometimes, people just [curse-word] suck. Ugh(!!!!!!!)!

Thank you, God, for this free day tomorrow to recover and sort out storing clothes in our marital home. (And thank you for our marital home!!!!) Keep us safe, please, and show us clearly our next step in pursuing and fulfilling your will. Help us to see clearly when to make a baby, please. Or just handle that for us when it is time, please, and help us to trust you on it. Thank you for this life and our marriage. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Reminiscing

I know most brides want to look at photos like crazy after their wedding. But I am enthralled by the videos of the music from our wedding. If we had a play count for the Ave Maria that my friend sang to start the Mass, I’d be probably close to twenty at this point. And I’ve only had the video since Tuesday night. It’s Thursday night right now. She just sang it so spectacularly and with so much love… it’s hard not to listen to it on repeat… and to play it for everyone I know. (I already played a clip of a practice recording she had sent me the other week for one of my classes… This recording is even better than that.)

I was a little worried when a lot of the photos didn’t turn out. I was very worried when the Zoom sound wasn’t set right, and I found that none of the music had registered on the computer at all, and so the recording of the Mass had no genuine music in it – just blips here and there of random sounds that make it sound like maybe music was playing somewhere in the background… or something? However, I expressed my sadness and frustration and let it go.

And then God blessed me.

My brother truly took to heart that I wanted the music recorded on my man’s phone. I only made him confirm that he would do a recording of the Ave Maria, but had expressed that I truly wanted all the music recorded, if it were at all possible and feasible. And he had made it happen. I was crying in relief watching all the videos he had done. He had basically gotten the entire service that had to do directly with us or with songs. The only one he missed was one that probably wouldn’t have turned out great anyway, as my cousin had been too far from the microphone for it in the first place. ::shrugs

But I accept happily – with immense joy, really – the videos my brother did get. And, as a special bonus blessing, he also got most of the photos I had truly wanted, too. I think my cousins got in their heads about what wedding photography was “supposed” to be, and didn’t remain present to what I had specifically requested. I’d given them a list of about twenty photographs I wanted, and they were extremely open to interpretation, but were clear and easy to make happen. But, like I said, I think they got in their heads and created a stress from pressure that didn’t actually help them do the job requested, and they missed the majority of the opportunities for the photos I had wanted. The few they did get were not of very good quality as a photo – meaning not something high enough resolution etc. that I could print for the wall… which was what I had specifically requested for these photos. So, I was saddened greatly by their photos, and also disappointed. They both do great photography usually, and this was not at their par.

However, my brother seemed to nail it on a good handful of those photos I had requested. Not just the photo framing and contents, but also the quality and resolution. I haven’t gone through them all specifically yet, but I definitely saw a handful that were just what I had hoped to get. So, we might only have five good photos, but we actually have them now, which is beautiful.

Thank you, God, for this unexpected blessing. Help me to release this depression and stress I have carried with me lately, especially around my job and finances. Help me to see clearly and to take my next step in fulfilling your will as I take care of my family. Keep us safe, happy, healthy, and holy with you. Thank you for this life and for my husband. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Sleep

How long until I’ll be able to catch up on my sleep? I keep getting so close, yet never quite make it. Perhaps I will be able – and have a need to do so – to make it a priority for the whole weekend this weekend.

Because I am just plain exhausted.

God, help us to find vitality and good sleep each day and night respectively. Keep us safe, and make us happy, healthy, and holy with and in you. In your name, we pray in gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This man, my husband

We aren’t even on a honeymoon, and I have a high. I think, because we are having to do our everyday life already, I get so focused in on those tasks and whatnot, that my conscious mind forgets temporarily that we are married. And so, when it suddenly has something to remind it that, in fact, we are married now, I get all the more excited and delighted remembering it. I get surprised and delighted all throughout my day and night. And I love it.

Naturally, of course, my man, my husband, thinks I’m nuts for it. When I become newly present to the facet that we are married and that I am extremely grateful for this fact, I’ll often end up staring at him with ebbing tears in my eyes, and saying soppily, “We’re married,” or, “You’re my husband,” or something of the like. He chuckles and rolls his eyes most of the time, concurring that, yes, we are or yes, he is, and often telling me I’m ridiculous. Which, to be fair, I totally am. I have even jumped up and down or clapped or half-panted/grunted like an excited dog plenty of times already. I’m just super excited and grateful to be married to this man, and I show it. (!!!!!!!!!!)

And he actually knows me and still Chose me. That’s what’s just so cool about it all… opposite of my dear that people will know me and reject me, he knows me and chooses me, again and again, and chooses to do this for the rest of our lives.

And that’s awesome.

That is the love of God.

Thank you, God, for being with and within us. Please, keep us safe and together, and help us always to do your will. Show us clearly our next step always, please. And thank you for your love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Day two

Today was a good day. I am extremely grateful for my husband.

Thank you, God, for this man and for our relationship. Please, help him to sleep well and to learn well. Help him to pursue effectively this dream he is currently pursuing for work. Ease his worries, sharpen his mind for the tasks at hand, and, please, keep him always safe. Help me to find my path with work, too, please. Make my next step always clear. Grant us both ease in our trust in you. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Rehearsals

Our wedding rehearsal is tomorrow. Musicians – meaning a friend and a cousin of mine – were rehearsing at the house here today. Another friend came early for the hen party, and she helped my man, my fiancé, rehearse – meaning review – waltz, since we picked a song yesterday to use for our first dance as a married couple, and it is a waltz. (And he takes coaching and correction better from not-me. And she taught ballroom and also did country waltz a bit (I do country waltz.), so was a qualified teacher-slash-reviewer.) And I rehearsed dancing in my dress shoes with him for our first dance. And another friend came early, just because of driving distances for going home then back to here for the party, and she helped touch up our wall paint that has looked hideous where the thermostat was moved – before I ever first came here – and an ugly green paint and another whitish paint were just sitting in a patch right next to the thermostat (since it was a different size, smaller than the previous one). And my mom also came and did another fitting for my dress. I’m a bit nervous about that one, still…

So.. yeah… more tomorrow.

God, help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Guide us to be our best selves. Help us to have a spectacular wedding and wedding celebration, please, and give us clear and beautiful skies all day and night Tuesday, please. Morning light showers are absolutely acceptable, of course, and would be beautiful. Please, help this day to go well with our hopes and dreams for it. Thank you for this life and this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Thermometer

I’ve been working on tracking my cycle exactly, so as to know what specifically it does. I’ve had a good understanding of the phases for most of my life. However, I’ve never paid super close attention to them, as it’s never really been relevant for me. It’ll be relevant starting Tuesday, though, so I’ve been working on tracking it all the past month again. (I say “again” because I had practiced it for a couple months or so last year to see how it all looked, and determined I didn’t want to hassle with it until a month before the wedding, when it would be especially relevant.)

However, it has sucked. I just don’t have a consistent schedule right now, so I wake up at all different times, depending on the day, and I also go to bed at all different times, depending on the day. The Christmas and New-Year break was an absolute mess of inconsistency. And this tracking stuff needs consistency.

I’ve been much more consistent the past week, since school started. But it still hasn’t been great. I have to get at least four hours of unbroken sleep, and take my temperature at roughly the same time every day. I have trouble doing anything at the same time every day right now in life. Before I met my man, I was like clockwork on just about everything. Since he showed up, however, I adapted to his slightly chaotic schedule in an effort to spend more time with him.

And, separate from the struggle of doing all this tracking, the schedule has really been wearing me out. I love my man. But I am not well if I do not sleep well. No one is. And I somehow can’t sleep well beyond about six in the morning, and that’s at the latest. My best nights of sleep are when I go to sleep by nine o’clock, and wake up naturally around five. Eight to nine hours of sleep that ends by 5:30am seems to be the ideal for my sleep effectiveness.

Anyway… so, I’m working on getting myself back to that consistency. Because this has been really sucky not being able to track this stuff efficiently, only adding to the stress I already have of not sleeping enough or well in my daily life.

Dear God, help us to create healthy consistency in our sleep schedules, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. God, can we have perfect weather on Tuesday, please, so as to do the things we really want to do for our wedding reception? In your name, I pray, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024