Tag: emotions

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am letting some kids make up work during the morning break – while I have breakfast at school – and then meeting with my other class that I didn’t see in the schedule today. I likely will have lunch after that, possibly work out, then go home and not come back for a week and a half.

And that will be very good for me.

I still have to sort out and post all of their assignments for while I’m not there, but I will have an hour to do that before I have class and after the make-ups. So, that should be enough time to get it all handled. I also have the time in class, when they’ll be taking their test. I’d forgotten that that is also usable time for me. Hmm. Thanks for that reminder(!).

Anyway, I have work to do in the morning for school, and then I will be able to come home and do the work I need to do here, both for my home and for myself, all for our healing and stepping forward into the life we want to be leading going forward.

I am still stressed, but I am also somewhat excited.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity for healing and accomplishments. Help me to do them both effectively this next week and a half, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Friday

The appointment went well. I had to have blood drawn, but she didn’t tell me about it until the very end, so I was able to be calm about it until the last seven minutes or so before it actually happened. And that was a good way to have it for me!

As far as the rest of it all goes, it was mostly very good news, plus a touch of slightly annoying but expected and totally fair news. A good outcome so far.

Now, I just am waiting for the blood test results. I hope they are clean and clear and under control, so life may proceed freely again.

Thank you for the good experience this morning with the doctor. Thank you for letting me make my last class, so I can still get paid something for the day. Please, make the balance bike safe and effective for Grace. Help us to tidy everything well tomorrow morning and to have a great crawfish bloom tomorrow afternoon. Also, please, help to heal W. Please. Bring him back to you fully, please, that he may truly heal and become who you call him to be. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Appointment

Well, I scheduled an appointment today. It seemed absurdly irrelevant, given that it was so far into the future and was about something that just happened. I said as much after the call ended. Within ten minutes, however, I had a call back from the office. ‘The doctor said to squeeze you in tomorrow. Can you do that?’ No, I didn’t want to risk missing the whole day of school and not getting paid – that would turn a $40/$80 appointment into a $240/$280 appointment. But I also need to have the appointment, and kind of asap. So, this is the only option if I want it handled now.

I begrudgingly accepted the appointment.

My mom adjusted her schedule to go with me. I am grateful. I am nervous about the whole thing, as I care very much about what might come of it. I just hope it all goes well and all is safe and good, and I make it to school in time still to get paid for the day.

God, help me to heal and to earn money to care for my family well financially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Still here

Still here, being angry..

I’ve shared with a handful of co-workers at this point, and that ha scariest helped immensely. I’m still craggy and pissed off at regular life at school each day, but it helps, nonetheless.

I’ve started actually typing out a list of all the crap with which I have been dealing with my job this year, all the unfairness. I’ve reached out for contributions from my mom and husband, as well was a co-worker who has been there to hear it all and help me through a lot of it throughout the year so far. I think I’ll ask another coworker for his input, too, tomorrow. Then, once I’ve gathered all the points, I’ll put them in order and in a letter, and send a printed and a digital copy to the principal early next week, I guess. If I am granted the requested meeting with him sooner than that, then I will have it ready to hand him in that meeting. Whatever the case, my points will be communicated and documented, and I can move forward complete on it all, having been in clear communication.

Anyway, though I’m really relieved about that, I’m still utterly exhausted. All this emotion and all this lack of sleep has been especially tough this week.

And I really miss the dog. I miss the future we were living into, becoming a family of four. Now, we are a hopeful but woeful family of two. My husband is my dreams come true, of course. But the rest of this has been sacrificial suffering, without our understanding the ultimate goal of the suffering, which has made it al the harder.

Nonetheless, I am exhausted, and so I am going to sleep now. Getting closer and closer to being in bed when I truly want to be these days(!). So, yay for that(!). 9:30 lights out tonight.

Thank you, God, for the home and bed and husband. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

:/

Our dog is still dying. My husband thinks she’ll be stubborn and hold on as long as possible. I’m hoping and praying that she’ll let go in her sleep… and tonight would be great for that, because she is just so clearly falling apart and struggling at this point. The vet said she has numbers “off the chart” for her kidneys, which means big time kidney failure, which means her body is, basically, filling with toxins and, I guess, killing her from the inside…? Whatever the case, it sounds dreadful and she is a sad sight to behold whenever she tries to go anywhere.

She did wander around both the back and front yards today, though, and for a good chunk of the day. All willingly.

But she also just kind of toppled over several times, and she looked like she was about to topple over almost the entire time.

She clearly loves my husband very much, and shows it still. She likes me, too, but nowhere near the same as she likes him.

We both love her, and this is hard for us, seeing how hard it is for her.

God, help her to find ease and comfort, please. Release her of this burden and grant her your peace, please, and by your hand. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The struggle

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore… it just feels so hard.

In a pit of the impossible, miserable and feeling like hope is worthless…

And part of me knows that all will be well.

Yet the everything of right now just makes it feel not worth it.

I guess this is the point they’ve been discussing all of Lent on Hallow, when we must just let go and let God take over for us. When we have hit our own limits and we can only proceed by acknowledging that we cannot do it ourselves, that we need God’s help.

A part of me doesn’t want it to get better, but I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know it will take such effort to get better. Perhaps because I don’t want to have to get over the pain. Perhaps because I want to be right that this is horrible behind fairness. Perhaps because, if this were better, I then would have to deal with all the other junk out there right now… and the idea of facing any of that after facing this is just…. even worse than sitting here in the crap mental space that currently surrounds me…

Oh, God… help me to want to heal fully and truly, and then to heal. Help me to forgive you. Help me to let go of the responsibility and guilt of this all. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Happy Easter

This has been a bit of an odd Easter, as several of us are dealing with some very difficult stuff right now. However, it was still a really enjoyable time together today. My mom did a great job making food and feeding us (with my husband’s and my contributions to various parts), and without causing me all the hassle she typically does. I asked her specifically just to handle it and not to ask me to do things or for where stuff is more than absolutely necessary, and she actually did. I still did my part, as did my husband, and we got to spend time together with my brother, and also with my mom and stepdad. Oh, and with the chickens. We made my brother hold a couple of them to compare weights, and he even tossed Blackie back over their fence after she flew over to lay a rogue egg when we had walked inside a few minutes.

After all the food, we had a wonderfully competitive Easter egg hunt, my husband, my brother, and I. My mom put my grandma on FaceTime, since my grandma had decided not to come this morning. We were totally nuts, as usual. And I think it was just the kind of thing we all needed right now. We got to be positively competitive and physically active, while using our brains for quick evaluation and strategizing, as well as just getting to be outdoors and doing something that felt productive and as giving a sense of accomplishment.

In the end, we all got close to the same number of eggs, though it hadn’t started out anywhere near equal. my husband had two more than I had, and I had seven more than my brother, giving us each about a third of the 97 eggs. When it came the the contents of the eggs, however, I apparently crushed, having gotten the bulk of the eggs with bills in them. (Granted, my brother had several, too, but those were the ones with one dollar bills in them…) It wasn’t much – that wasn’t the point. We would have been equally competitive just for candy… actually, likely even for empty eggs, now that I consider it further. Nonetheless, it was still fun. We had a much-needed blast, and we got to have it together, which made it all the better.

We got everything cleaned up before everyone left, and the dishwasher filled and running. I did a final wipe-down of all the countertops, and it made all the difference when we got home tonight from my husband’s dad’s house. Coming home to a clean kitchen (and home) make a world of a difference. Especially after hosting a party or event.

We also had a good time visiting with my husband’s family, though it was a very different environment over there. Much more adult-like and civil, to be sure. No adult Easter egg hunts, so there was no yelling or shoving each other or ridiculous threats thrown. But it was just hanging out and chatting, and it was nice.

We got there as everyone was finishing up dessert, which was actually perfect, wince we had just finished our own desserts just before heading over. And, since we got there so far into the evening, we got to have a very intentional time with everyone before they and we all headed out after we’d been there about an hour or so. So, it was a perfect short but sweet visit with everyone after a long day (after a very long several days). It was good.

And it was a really good day period.

Thank you, God, for this day and for the ease of it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Headache

I got errands done today and am very delighted about having done them myself, as well as having them done period.

However, I have this headache that I’ve had since about five PM, and I cannot seem to shake it. I’ve drunk water, spent time in the quiet, eaten lots of food… it seems it just just be a sleep headache (though I slept a lot last night, I believe).

So, I guess I’ll go to bed now, even though I am just at the start of a movie for the evening.

Goodnight, all.

Post-a-day 2024

Some true rest

Today, neither of us had work – both were closed. So, we slept in. I slept rather hard for most of the night. In the morning, I crawled back into bed and snuggled against my husband for a while after I had originally gotten up. I just wanted to feel loved, physically, this morning, especially. And I did.

I finally got back up and got the dog up – she might be dying, actually, but she might rally and be okay for another five years – and went and sat outside with her for a while, just enjoying the sun.

Of course, the chicken that always gets out was out, and she came right up to me, sitting there in the sun, and pecked one of my toes(!). As I was yelling at her, she seemed to be creeping up, considering trying it again(!). Totally nuts.

Anyway, after a while, I went and got up my husband, because midday is enough. I made us some eggs for breakfast, then hung out for a bit and had some tea before meeting a family friend.

I spent almost three hours with the family friend, mostly discussing my brain and my goals in life and how those fit in with transitioning into a tech career around coding, as well as how my struggles so far can be helpful with moving forward into it all. He has been in the industry for a couple decades, and offered to help me figure things out however he could. Why? He did even know. He said he just felt called to help me because of who I am as a person. (That was a really awesome thing to hear, by the way. I felt truly seen and appreciated.)

Then I stopped to get OJ that we need for Sunday, and headed home. I ate some food and hung out some more. Then I helped move several light-ish bags of potting soil before getting ready for bed. Just enough physical activity to keep me moving and using muscles, but not too much to be a problem for my current state. Because I do need to rest. But I don’t need to be like an invalid or massively depressed case, lying in bed all day and avoiding the world. Not at all.

All in all, it was a very productive but restful day. I spent time in direct sunlight, I spent quality time with individuals who care about me, I spent meditative time alone (and with the dog and chickens), I rested and relaxed, I got in some physical activity that used my muscles, and I ate food and drank tea and water. Yes, today was good for me, very good for me.

Thank you, God, for the rest. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024