Tag: exhausted

The Body Talks

Let’s talk about sex, baby.

Well, sort of… That’s what my body kept saying to me today.

Today was a day in which my body felt like it was in a state of panic.  In a way, it was in a state of panic (or bordering on panic, anyway).  To my body, this panic was expressed as a painful desire, né need to procreate.  

“Hannah, I need to reproduce – it is what I am designed so well to do, and I’ve waited so long already… let me go!!”  

Sigh.

Such was the sort of conversation my body and I had today.  It complained and begged and reasoned, and I sighed and just accepted the complaints.

Now, the kicker to all of this is that I am almost entirely comfortable and at ease now (despite being quite sleepy).  Why is that?  The same reason (-ish) that my body has been panicky lately – I need physical contact in my life.  Good, real, physical contact, corporal contact, person-to-person skin-to-skin touch is an absolute necessity for me.

And living in Japan has given me almost none of that.  It has quite truly driven my body into a state of panic, in fact.  

How did I go from freak-out to calm?  I hung out with friends and went dancing with them.  In this time, I leaned on them, they leaned on me, we rubbed backs, hugged (the real kind), held hands, stood with our arms draped on one another’s shoulders or around the waist or hips, touched this or that spot on someone to get his/her attention.  In short, we had a nice amount of physical contact with one another.  No, it was not anything compared to what I am accustomed to having back in the US, – we are So touchy-touchy in Texas, and especially at dance there – however it was tremendous when compared to my average day and week of zero physical contact here in Japan.

I went to a dance event in Korea just a couple weekends ago.  I danced like crazy there, and I hugged people and had lots of physical contact with people who love me and whom I love.  I think that going from a weekend jammed full of corporal contact and love, back to the solitude and non-touching life I have here right now, my body had a sort of shock.  After having gone so many months with only a bit of physical contact here and there in a month, I was accustomed to it.  But, after spending a weekend filled with physical contact, it has been difficult to go back to the zero-touching lifestyle.

And so my body cried for a while, until it at last had some loving physical contact this afternoon and tonight, at which point it is ready to take on this next week (until I head to the beach next weekend, at which point the physical contact occasions will resume). 

So, instead of listening to the crybaby body make excuses about its evolution and its original design for existence, I just get myself some physical contact, some hugs and snuggles and such, and things work out beautifully.

Cheers to loving physical contact! ❤

Post-a-day 2017

Falling asleep

I’m lying in my bed, eyes closed, head on pillow, lamp on, and I am snuggling my stuffed animal (it’s a dog) and holding my phone, which is illuminated and plugged into the wall.  A blank page awaits me, and sleep just barely evades me.  What do I write tonight?  What is it that people need to read, or just want to read?  What is it that I need to express?  What is ready to come out of me for now and forever?

Sometimes, answering these questions is all too easy, and I almost don’t even have to ask them.  And other times, I can barely even ask them, for lack of an answer for any of them.  Sometimes, what needs to come out of me, I am unwilling to let go at the present moment.  And sometimes, what others want to read, I do not have to share (currently, anyway).  A friend told me that she wanted me to write a book about my life, and that she would be an avid reader if I wrote it.  This is something said by one person.  And yet, it is a driving force behind my dedication to writing daily – if I am to write a book, I wanted to be comfortable and easy writing constantly.

As it is, it is easy for me to write, and even to find plenty of topics about which I want to write.  My only struggle however comes in with timing.  When do I most have time to write currently?  At least, when do I most have time to write, as well as a comfort around me that creates the will to write?  Just before bed, when I’m at home and comfy and happy and at ease.  This means, on most days, anyway, that I am exhausted by the time it is time to pick a topic for writing.  Therefore, I often go for whatever topic will be shorter to share.  And how unfair is that?  I realize the shorter topic is no less important than the longer.  It is merely that the longer stories almost never have a chance.  It also means that I have a significantly higher rate of error in my writings, in part due to my sleepiness and lack of clear vision, and often in part due to the fact that I use speech recognition to write, as though I am simply telling a story with verbal punctuation in it.  Occasionally, speech recognition doesn’t quite capture what I am actually saying in my slightly mumbled and slurred state of sleepiness.  Sometimes, however, I kind of just don’t make any sense in the first place, and speech recognition has almost nothing to do with the resulting semi-nonsense.

Anyway, … that’s tonight.  Goodnight and good morning.

Peace

Post-a-day 2017

an outlook saving the day

Sometimes, there are days when everything seems to go perfectly, and yet I feel dreadful (mentally).  And then there are, on the other end of the spectrum, days when things continuously seem to be going wrong, one thing after the next, and yet I feel, somehow, totally okay (and sometimes even quite good).  Today was one of the latter type of days.

Thing after thing went wrong and went ways I utterly disliked, and I was even borderline crying over some of them (for various valid and ridiculous reasons).  I actually did cry at least a couple times today.  And, somehow, everything worked out such that I’m feeling quite well right now, as I prep for bed at 8:16pm.  I am exhausted.  And I’m doing okay anyway.

One thing I noticed throughout the day, was how I kept honest and open with myself about my frustrations, and I talked through them each time they arose.  ‘This is what I have (this situation).  Now, what can I do with it?”  Sure, I occasionally had the angry and unkind words in response to this inquiry, but I always was able to let them go, and to find an actual remedy to whatever the situation, be it a mental attitude switch or an actual exchange in something regarding my at-the-time circumstances.

So, I am here, freezing my feet and extremities off, wondering if I’ll be able even to function tomorrow after the near-constant beating I received today from my second day ever (first day was about ten years ago) snowboarding.  And I’m okay.

Yeah.  I’m okay.  🙂
Post-a-day 2017