Tag: future

Not my kind of Monday

And some days seem like they’ll be fine, yet end up filled with an uncomfortable mix of great, good, tiresome, and frustrating, leaving you simply wanting to go to bed, so you can get to a fresh start tomorrow.

Today has been one of those days.

And, of course, after you notice this, it then feels all the more dreadful to want to go to bed, instead of doing something about it to make the day seem more worth it all… just upping the feeling of depression, when you know you aren’t going to do anything else about it today…

God, help me to sleep well tonight, please, that I awaken refreshed and ready for all that tomorrow holds. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

This man, my husband

We aren’t even on a honeymoon, and I have a high. I think, because we are having to do our everyday life already, I get so focused in on those tasks and whatnot, that my conscious mind forgets temporarily that we are married. And so, when it suddenly has something to remind it that, in fact, we are married now, I get all the more excited and delighted remembering it. I get surprised and delighted all throughout my day and night. And I love it.

Naturally, of course, my man, my husband, thinks I’m nuts for it. When I become newly present to the facet that we are married and that I am extremely grateful for this fact, I’ll often end up staring at him with ebbing tears in my eyes, and saying soppily, “We’re married,” or, “You’re my husband,” or something of the like. He chuckles and rolls his eyes most of the time, concurring that, yes, we are or yes, he is, and often telling me I’m ridiculous. Which, to be fair, I totally am. I have even jumped up and down or clapped or half-panted/grunted like an excited dog plenty of times already. I’m just super excited and grateful to be married to this man, and I show it. (!!!!!!!!!!)

And he actually knows me and still Chose me. That’s what’s just so cool about it all… opposite of my dear that people will know me and reject me, he knows me and chooses me, again and again, and chooses to do this for the rest of our lives.

And that’s awesome.

That is the love of God.

Thank you, God, for being with and within us. Please, keep us safe and together, and help us always to do your will. Show us clearly our next step always, please. And thank you for your love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Day two

Today was a good day. I am extremely grateful for my husband.

Thank you, God, for this man and for our relationship. Please, help him to sleep well and to learn well. Help him to pursue effectively this dream he is currently pursuing for work. Ease his worries, sharpen his mind for the tasks at hand, and, please, keep him always safe. Help me to find my path with work, too, please. Make my next step always clear. Grant us both ease in our trust in you. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Rehearsals

Our wedding rehearsal is tomorrow. Musicians – meaning a friend and a cousin of mine – were rehearsing at the house here today. Another friend came early for the hen party, and she helped my man, my fiancé, rehearse – meaning review – waltz, since we picked a song yesterday to use for our first dance as a married couple, and it is a waltz. (And he takes coaching and correction better from not-me. And she taught ballroom and also did country waltz a bit (I do country waltz.), so was a qualified teacher-slash-reviewer.) And I rehearsed dancing in my dress shoes with him for our first dance. And another friend came early, just because of driving distances for going home then back to here for the party, and she helped touch up our wall paint that has looked hideous where the thermostat was moved – before I ever first came here – and an ugly green paint and another whitish paint were just sitting in a patch right next to the thermostat (since it was a different size, smaller than the previous one). And my mom also came and did another fitting for my dress. I’m a bit nervous about that one, still…

So.. yeah… more tomorrow.

God, help us to pursue and fulfill your will. Guide us to be our best selves. Help us to have a spectacular wedding and wedding celebration, please, and give us clear and beautiful skies all day and night Tuesday, please. Morning light showers are absolutely acceptable, of course, and would be beautiful. Please, help this day to go well with our hopes and dreams for it. Thank you for this life and this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Thermometer

I’ve been working on tracking my cycle exactly, so as to know what specifically it does. I’ve had a good understanding of the phases for most of my life. However, I’ve never paid super close attention to them, as it’s never really been relevant for me. It’ll be relevant starting Tuesday, though, so I’ve been working on tracking it all the past month again. (I say “again” because I had practiced it for a couple months or so last year to see how it all looked, and determined I didn’t want to hassle with it until a month before the wedding, when it would be especially relevant.)

However, it has sucked. I just don’t have a consistent schedule right now, so I wake up at all different times, depending on the day, and I also go to bed at all different times, depending on the day. The Christmas and New-Year break was an absolute mess of inconsistency. And this tracking stuff needs consistency.

I’ve been much more consistent the past week, since school started. But it still hasn’t been great. I have to get at least four hours of unbroken sleep, and take my temperature at roughly the same time every day. I have trouble doing anything at the same time every day right now in life. Before I met my man, I was like clockwork on just about everything. Since he showed up, however, I adapted to his slightly chaotic schedule in an effort to spend more time with him.

And, separate from the struggle of doing all this tracking, the schedule has really been wearing me out. I love my man. But I am not well if I do not sleep well. No one is. And I somehow can’t sleep well beyond about six in the morning, and that’s at the latest. My best nights of sleep are when I go to sleep by nine o’clock, and wake up naturally around five. Eight to nine hours of sleep that ends by 5:30am seems to be the ideal for my sleep effectiveness.

Anyway… so, I’m working on getting myself back to that consistency. Because this has been really sucky not being able to track this stuff efficiently, only adding to the stress I already have of not sleeping enough or well in my daily life.

Dear God, help us to create healthy consistency in our sleep schedules, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. God, can we have perfect weather on Tuesday, please, so as to do the things we really want to do for our wedding reception? In your name, I pray, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Feeling like crap

For me, when I am going to someone’s wedding, especially a family member’s, I check in ahead of time on any extra activities that they have where I am wanted or expected to attend, separate from the actual wedding and wedding day. Before I make other plans, I confirm what all of their plans are.

It seems that almost none of my family did this, and they have almost all made other plans, to the point that some of them likely won’t even be at the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (This includes folks who are part of the actual wedding and need to be at the rehearsal.). And some of them basically ignored what I said about plans over the weekend, and made other plans. So, I only will get to see them at the actual reception, with everyone else, even though they’re coming in from all over the place and are never in the same place at the same time anymore, which makes me miss them loads usually.

And it just feels really sh***y, and makes me not at all look forward to seeing any of them.

I feel crushed and like no one is really even coming for my or my man’s sake but for themselves and their other plans.

I had expected my wedding to be awesome and exciting and a wonderful reunion with all our loved ones…

Post-a-day 2024

Relating

It is somewhat common that people will offer to do something, and then, when it comes time for them to do it, they will back out, making some sort of excuse.

And I can’t relate to that. I just don’t do that. If I say that I will do something, I will do it. If something comes up, fine – I’ll readjust to the best my ability. But I’m still going to do it. Only something major has to come up that prevents me from doing everything else that day or whatever.

Perhaps it is that people commit to things without actually thinking through them and seeing that it actually will work for them to do them. I am often hesitant to agree to something until I confirm with all my relative family members and schedules, and, sometimes even, the weather. I actually check to see that it will work before I commit to it.

But people keep promising things, asking to do things for me, saying they’ll help by doing x. And then, at the last second, no x. Usually, with some lame and long excuse accompanying the lack of x.

And it really sucks.

And it’s a huge part of why I don’t want to allow others to help me with things a lot of the time. Even with the wedding plans, I have been very cautious handing over tasks, despite people’s offers and requests. Unfortunately, around half of those I’ve handed over have been abandoned/canceled by the other person, and I have to start again on my own. So, as with the other stuff in life, I keep a couple backup plans in place. I make sure that I will be able to pick up the slack if they fail to do what they have promised to do. I have handed off a few final yet important tasks to a few people for this next week and the following couple days. And I am fully prepared to go do each of them myself, should any individual fail to do them. And I have a way of checking that they have done them fully within enough time for me to do that.

Only one is not like that. And I have to leave that one fully up to God after this weekend. I have set it up for success. I am in charge of fulfilling the final pieces before the wedding day. And then they have to handle it themselves on the wedding day. Fortunately, I think they will be able to handle it well and will make it work, no matter what, because of what specifically it is and who they are. (But I still have a backup plan in place for that!)

I guess I’ve been burned too many times by people reneging on commitments. And I really cannot relate to them.

God, please, help me to find ease this week especially. Keep us and our home safe. Keep my grandma safe and help her to heal significantly, such that she may attend and enjoy easily and immensely our wedding and wedding celebration. Help my mom to handle her tasks efficiently and to my dream standards. Help me to look and to feel how I long to look and to feel, surrounded by and guided by your love and the love of my man. Thank you for my man and my mom, especially. Help the friends pull through and be true friends throughout the next nine days, please. Please. And please, give us good weather for our wedding morning and, especially, early evening and night. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please, continue to show me my next step clearly in following your will for my life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Wine Night

Tonight, we had our wine tasting dinner. The neighbors, one by one, ended up with a cold and couldn’t make it at all, though they still made and dropped off the planned wonderful salad. My sister-in-law was just relent not feeling up to getting out. But I managed to get my mom to come, after all, so it was still a small party of sorts with her, my brother, my man, and me. My mom and I definitely had to start spitting after a while, as, even just tasting a single small sip or two adds up like crazy when you’re tasting 18 different wines and Proseccos. And that’s excluding the five we didn’t even open. Nonetheless, we ended up having a great time testing and comparing them all together. And it was quite helpful to have two other palates and opinions to contribute to the considerations.

In the end, it seems we have selected our wines. Just need to go get them all tomorrow. Supposedly, we are doing something like 70 or 76 bottles of wine. While that is a lot, we are getting most of it at Costco, which makes they group all returnable, so long as they’re unopened. And that is a wonderful thing. Thank you, Costco. Well, same deal with the liquor store attached to Costco. Same policy and great pricing, too. Only the Prosecco we preferred seems to be cheaper at Total Wine than at Costco.

Whatever the case for all of it, I really hope folks enjoy the wines we picked. My man has an understanding of wines – because apparently you can’t not when you spend several years living in the smack middle of wine country in California, surrounded by vineyards 24/7 – and he seemed happy with the selections we made. They aren’t awesome wines, no. But they are decent wines. And they are wines that we can afford. And those two are what really matters for it all.

So, thank you, God, for this lovely evening together. Keep us all safe, please, and grant us nourishing sleep tonight. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024