Tag: prayer

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am letting some kids make up work during the morning break – while I have breakfast at school – and then meeting with my other class that I didn’t see in the schedule today. I likely will have lunch after that, possibly work out, then go home and not come back for a week and a half.

And that will be very good for me.

I still have to sort out and post all of their assignments for while I’m not there, but I will have an hour to do that before I have class and after the make-ups. So, that should be enough time to get it all handled. I also have the time in class, when they’ll be taking their test. I’d forgotten that that is also usable time for me. Hmm. Thanks for that reminder(!).

Anyway, I have work to do in the morning for school, and then I will be able to come home and do the work I need to do here, both for my home and for myself, all for our healing and stepping forward into the life we want to be leading going forward.

I am still stressed, but I am also somewhat excited.

Thank you, God, for this opportunity for healing and accomplishments. Help me to do them both effectively this next week and a half, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

The struggle

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore… it just feels so hard.

In a pit of the impossible, miserable and feeling like hope is worthless…

And part of me knows that all will be well.

Yet the everything of right now just makes it feel not worth it.

I guess this is the point they’ve been discussing all of Lent on Hallow, when we must just let go and let God take over for us. When we have hit our own limits and we can only proceed by acknowledging that we cannot do it ourselves, that we need God’s help.

A part of me doesn’t want it to get better, but I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know it will take such effort to get better. Perhaps because I don’t want to have to get over the pain. Perhaps because I want to be right that this is horrible behind fairness. Perhaps because, if this were better, I then would have to deal with all the other junk out there right now… and the idea of facing any of that after facing this is just…. even worse than sitting here in the crap mental space that currently surrounds me…

Oh, God… help me to want to heal fully and truly, and then to heal. Help me to forgive you. Help me to let go of the responsibility and guilt of this all. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Layers

Because, when I looked for a word to express my exhaustion, “layers” came to mind. Why? Because exhaustion has layers, and I am at a much deeper one than usual. My brain is even struggling to work fast enough actually to do anything.

So, I’m going to sleep now, mostly satiated from the day’s activities and time spent both with people and alone.

God, help me to sleep well and effectively tonight, especially, and all nights. Keep my husband safe and with me, please. Help us both get to Church tomorrow (well, today), please, and to be kind, both to others and to ourselves. Thank you for this life. Help me to be well and to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Prayer

I was already doing the daily readings each morning and the rosary each night. Now, for Lent, because of a specific 40-day prayer challenge offered, and then a specifically relevant one offered, as well as one that includes a priest I know personally, I have between 25 and 50 minutes of extra prayer and intentional meditation each day. It’s a lot, but I have enjoyed it so far. In a way, it keeps me focused. And I like that it is giving me all different ideas thrown to me each day, from different directions. It is keeping me rounded in my thinking and exposing me to more good in the world than I had known previously, which is always a wonderful thing.

So, thank you, God, for the Hallow application and for this prayer opportunity that is actually more than forty days, even though it’s called a 40-day challenge. Thank you, also, for that silly irony. Keep us safe, please, my man (this is my husband) and our children (once they begin), especially, please. Help my mom to breathe easily and comfortably. Help to heal my dad’s daily pains by his turning closer to you. Thank you for this life. And thank you for my husband. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Being of service

Today, there was much setting up done on the rodeo grounds here in Houston. I was volunteering for one of my committees. There were many times I could have left, but I stayed and worked more. I had hopes of getting something specific accomplished before leaving, but that didn’t happen. As I said to my husband on my way out, the true point of my being there was to be of service, and I was very much of service – I accomplished and helped loads. Though I was a bit sad and disappointed not to have achieved this one particular thing, and so have a tendency to be sad and disappointed about the whole day, I notice that I was actually very fulfilled every time I got to accomplish something for someone else. That is, I felt fulfillment in being of service.

Perhaps this is a big guide for me in life. In all that I do, I find true joy in making a difference for others.

Then again, there is also the thought that the reason I want to be of service is so that I become invaluable and thereby worthy of being loved.

However…

I once functioned that way. If I wasn’t being of service, I became somewhat stressed and panicked. I had to be of service. Because that was my unconscious way of guaranteeing love for myself. Once I saw that, though, I was able to do something about it.

When I am not of service now, I am not panicked. I do want to be of service. But I want to be of service. It is not longer a sort of necessity or obligation for me. It is something I can want freely, and do. And, when I am of service now, I find joy in sharing love. When I walk away from it, I am not crushed it is over or wonder if it was enough and if something will come along soon enough next… I just get to be happy about the service I gave.

So, that’s cool. I’m not sure I had really thought about that in recent years. And I may not have explained it well here, but the difference is massive to me, transformational, from back then to now. I love to serve, and I get to serve freely now. And I do it. And I love it. And I’m grateful for that.

I’m still bugged I didn’t handle what I had hoped to get done today (even though I did accomplish something very useful for myself and for many on my other rodeo team, which wasn’t expected for today), but I guess that’s okay. I didn’t speak up about what I wanted – I was embarrassed and opted not to ask. Okay, got it. Space for improvement next time. But I kept my integrity, which is more important to me than getting stopped by embarrassment on something that isn’t critical on any level. I’ve been working on speaking up, though, so I am still frustrated with myself. And it’s okay to be frustrated with myself. It’s part of my process of growing. I had a breakdown. Therefore, I now can have a breakthrough.

Work on the courage, babe. And, also, acknowledge when it feels greedy, and get clear on everything. Perhaps you need only share your concern of its being greedy to ask, and that will communicate clearly that you understand if the answer is no to the request. That’s okay. And it’s okay that you failed at this today. I’m still proud of you for keeping your integrity and for letting go of control many times today, especially considering that it often meant things being done less efficiently. Some people can only give certain service. Sometimes, being of service means letting people do things an inefficient way, so that they can contribute, too.

Thank you, God, for today. Thank you for the lessons of today. Thank you for my husband. I love him and am grateful for him constantly. Keeps us safe, please, and help us always to be our best selves through you, pursuing and fulfilling your will in our lives. Thank you. I love you, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Hallow

Hallow is just so cool. Now, I’m doing this 40-day prayer challenge – actually, it’s really hard that each day has a different length and I don’t know that length until I go to play the recording; some are five to eight minutes, others 22+ – and it’s already cool. But now a priest I know personally has popped up on the challenge for the German one. (Recall that I’m doing a German one and an English one, on top of the rosary and daily readings that I already do daily in English.) Such a fun surprise!

Thank you, God, for Hallow, for the wonderful people I have been able to know, and for this lovely day and my wonderful husband. Thank you. Keep us happy, healthy, holy, please. And keep us always safe and in your arms, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

An SJ worth knowing

Have you heard of Walter Ciszek, SJ? He is a priest worth studying. I’ve only learned a bit so far, but have already put his book on hold with the library – I want to read it.

If you haven’t heard of the new app called Hallow, check it out and sign up for the 40-day Lenten prayer challenge called “Lent Pray40: He Leadeth Me”. That’s where I’m learning about Walter Ciszek, and am also having a great chance to try some new forms of prayer from what I typically do.

https://hallow.com

Thank you, God, for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. SJ stands for Society of Jesus, an order of Catholic religious. Also, go download the app!

Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Mardi Gras, also known in other states who know no French as Fat Tuesday. It is the day before Lent begins, the period of 40 days of meditation and fasting before the celebration of the coming of Christ, Easter. All the sugar and fat stores are meant to be used up on Mardi Gras, thus the name. This includes the idea that we will not be eating sugary or fatty things during Lent, even if they don’t come from one’s own making. The first day of Lent, as well as each Friday during it, is a day that specifically includes fasting and having no meat. That day is called Ash Wednesday. It is called so for that ashes are distributed to all, via a cross on the forehead, to remind us that we have come from dust and shall, one day, return to dust – we are the creations of God and will return to him after this life for eternal life. Ash Wednesday…

Ash Wednesday was today.

Today was also the feast of Saint Valentine, also known commercially as Valentine’s Day. It is a day filled with treats and commercialism and indulgence and, even, waste. It does not line up with the morals of Ash Wednesday… which was also today.

So, today was a bizarre Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday combination – one I haven’t known to happen previously in my life. Definitely interesting to have the solemn day land on and, therefore, trump the celebratory day.

But also interesting that, as someone noted today, “Lent” is right in the middle of “Valentine”, you could say at the heart of it… 😛

Interesting thought to have us reconsider how we want to do Valentine’s Day in the future, too.

Thank you, God, for your love and your creativity and your forgiveness and generosity. We love you. Keep us well, that we pursue and fulfill your will for us in our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Oops…

Well, we were supposed to have a Texas flag that flew over the capitol building on our wedding day… only the will of God can make that happen now. My man will look into it to find out. God willing, he will get one. If not, I asked him to get one for the anniversary of the day we met. Not exactly the same, but still cool.

I was really looking forward to this for us. But it wasn’t my task to manage, and I forgot all about it until today. We shall see what happens, though. I trust that God will give us exactly what we need to be our best selves, and that is the ultimate goal.

God, thank you for this life. Help us to find the joy and fun and community pride that this small yet significant luxury offers to us. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will. Thank you for my husband and his love and your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024