hannah.ananas

Feeling like crap

For me, when I am going to someone’s wedding, especially a family member’s, I check in ahead of time on any extra activities that they have where I am wanted or expected to attend, separate from the actual wedding and wedding day. Before I make other plans, I confirm what all of their plans are.

It seems that almost none of my family did this, and they have almost all made other plans, to the point that some of them likely won’t even be at the rehearsal or rehearsal dinner (This includes folks who are part of the actual wedding and need to be at the rehearsal.). And some of them basically ignored what I said about plans over the weekend, and made other plans. So, I only will get to see them at the actual reception, with everyone else, even though they’re coming in from all over the place and are never in the same place at the same time anymore, which makes me miss them loads usually.

And it just feels really sh***y, and makes me not at all look forward to seeing any of them.

I feel crushed and like no one is really even coming for my or my man’s sake but for themselves and their other plans.

I had expected my wedding to be awesome and exciting and a wonderful reunion with all our loved ones…

Post-a-day 2024

Weather

We have some freezing weather going on right now, through most of tomorrow, and then again tomorrow night. Specifically, hard freeze weather. The low tonight is -7°C, plus the wind chill. And Houston isn’t made for such weather. A touch below freezing, sure. But a hard freeze is very hard for Houston buildings and roads.

Deer God, please, keep us all safe, especially the next few days with this weather. Please, grant us spectacular weather next Tuesday afternoon, evening, and night. Please. Help us to fulfill the calls we have had toward being our best selves and having fun through your love and your gifts and blessings in life. Thank you for this life and my man. Keep us well and safe and happily together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Relating

It is somewhat common that people will offer to do something, and then, when it comes time for them to do it, they will back out, making some sort of excuse.

And I can’t relate to that. I just don’t do that. If I say that I will do something, I will do it. If something comes up, fine – I’ll readjust to the best my ability. But I’m still going to do it. Only something major has to come up that prevents me from doing everything else that day or whatever.

Perhaps it is that people commit to things without actually thinking through them and seeing that it actually will work for them to do them. I am often hesitant to agree to something until I confirm with all my relative family members and schedules, and, sometimes even, the weather. I actually check to see that it will work before I commit to it.

But people keep promising things, asking to do things for me, saying they’ll help by doing x. And then, at the last second, no x. Usually, with some lame and long excuse accompanying the lack of x.

And it really sucks.

And it’s a huge part of why I don’t want to allow others to help me with things a lot of the time. Even with the wedding plans, I have been very cautious handing over tasks, despite people’s offers and requests. Unfortunately, around half of those I’ve handed over have been abandoned/canceled by the other person, and I have to start again on my own. So, as with the other stuff in life, I keep a couple backup plans in place. I make sure that I will be able to pick up the slack if they fail to do what they have promised to do. I have handed off a few final yet important tasks to a few people for this next week and the following couple days. And I am fully prepared to go do each of them myself, should any individual fail to do them. And I have a way of checking that they have done them fully within enough time for me to do that.

Only one is not like that. And I have to leave that one fully up to God after this weekend. I have set it up for success. I am in charge of fulfilling the final pieces before the wedding day. And then they have to handle it themselves on the wedding day. Fortunately, I think they will be able to handle it well and will make it work, no matter what, because of what specifically it is and who they are. (But I still have a backup plan in place for that!)

I guess I’ve been burned too many times by people reneging on commitments. And I really cannot relate to them.

God, please, help me to find ease this week especially. Keep us and our home safe. Keep my grandma safe and help her to heal significantly, such that she may attend and enjoy easily and immensely our wedding and wedding celebration. Help my mom to handle her tasks efficiently and to my dream standards. Help me to look and to feel how I long to look and to feel, surrounded by and guided by your love and the love of my man. Thank you for my man and my mom, especially. Help the friends pull through and be true friends throughout the next nine days, please. Please. And please, give us good weather for our wedding morning and, especially, early evening and night. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please, continue to show me my next step clearly in following your will for my life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Opinions

After much consideration, discussion, and deliberation, we submitted our requests for the hors d’œuvres for our wedding reception. When I sent the list to my mom, just to share it with her, she almost immediately expressed concern about it. Three in particular, she said we’re not commonly-enough liked, and so we should axe them. She also said that we needed to decide if we were picking the hors d’œuvres for ourselves or for the guests. But then she made it clear that she expected us to choose them for the guests.

It was extremely frustrating for my man, but also frustrating for me. I appreciate that my mom always shares her opinions with me. But this was an occasion on which she was doing it forcefully and with a somewhat self-serving reason.

And that is? My stepdad.

He doesn’t eat seafood, which some of them are, and he doesn’t eat anything that isn’t basic pure meat or vegetables… so, he wouldn’t eat almost any hors d’œuvres that we might pick, anyway. But, since I was planning to get something extra for my mom to have on her own, since she’s vegetarian and the hors d’œuvres are not. She took that offer to turn it into, ‘and also order this $40 thing for your stepdad.’ News flash: that’s more than we’re spending per person on the hors d’œuvres in the first place. Also, THIS IS NOT DINNER. We specifically chose a cocktail hour setting with cocktail hour food and drink and tables, as well as a cocktail hour timeline. It starts at 4:30pm, and will be done by around 7:30pm. We aren’t serving dinner, because we are only having a reception in order to mix and mingle and chat with those who came to support us at our wedding.

And my mom knows all of this. She has been supportive the whole way through, encouraging us not to worry about what others will think, but to create the party we want to have. Thus the irony of her trying to force an opinion about pleasing guests with non-high-class tastes. Because, frankly, she vetoed hors d’œuvres that easily could be labeled as on the snootier side. No, they aren’t caviar or anything absurd. But oysters and raw tuna and lamb are certainly for a palate that is accustomed to a higher bill.

Which is the entire reason we selected them – if we’re getting this catering and all of the hors d’œuvres cost the same, we are absolutely getting the ones we wouldn’t usually be able to afford buying.

We understand her concern. Truly, we do. And we also have been intentional about the food. We both will continue to consider her concerns over the next two days, of course. But the final decision must be made by Monday night, and we will keep ourselves present to the whole goal and point of our event.

I reached out to my dad to ask his opinion on the selection. He, basically, said it looked like a great selection that had, not only variety, but crab cakes, which are always awesome. He, as we both knew before asking him, also regularly eats higher-prices foods at higher-prices restaurants. Called it a more sophisticated palate. It just means more expensive, whatever you call it, though.

My cousin, who is extremely money-conscious and pescatarian, also understood my mom’s point, but initially saw the list as a great list of foods. And I very much trust her opinion to step away from forceful bias.

So, that was one of the many things found within tonight. Now, I shall sleep. Hopefully, I can use the new pillow that seems like it might end up being perfect… if only the smell will leave it from the packaging…

Goodnight, God. Thank you for this life. Please, please, give us perfect, clear weather for flying on the 23rd. Please. And keep us all safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Wine Night

Tonight, we had our wine tasting dinner. The neighbors, one by one, ended up with a cold and couldn’t make it at all, though they still made and dropped off the planned wonderful salad. My sister-in-law was just relent not feeling up to getting out. But I managed to get my mom to come, after all, so it was still a small party of sorts with her, my brother, my man, and me. My mom and I definitely had to start spitting after a while, as, even just tasting a single small sip or two adds up like crazy when you’re tasting 18 different wines and Proseccos. And that’s excluding the five we didn’t even open. Nonetheless, we ended up having a great time testing and comparing them all together. And it was quite helpful to have two other palates and opinions to contribute to the considerations.

In the end, it seems we have selected our wines. Just need to go get them all tomorrow. Supposedly, we are doing something like 70 or 76 bottles of wine. While that is a lot, we are getting most of it at Costco, which makes they group all returnable, so long as they’re unopened. And that is a wonderful thing. Thank you, Costco. Well, same deal with the liquor store attached to Costco. Same policy and great pricing, too. Only the Prosecco we preferred seems to be cheaper at Total Wine than at Costco.

Whatever the case for all of it, I really hope folks enjoy the wines we picked. My man has an understanding of wines – because apparently you can’t not when you spend several years living in the smack middle of wine country in California, surrounded by vineyards 24/7 – and he seemed happy with the selections we made. They aren’t awesome wines, no. But they are decent wines. And they are wines that we can afford. And those two are what really matters for it all.

So, thank you, God, for this lovely evening together. Keep us all safe, please, and grant us nourishing sleep tonight. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Big Brother

It seems that someone has been watching me via my security camera in my home. It was maybe a few weeks back that I had thought my man was on the camera and about to talk to me. I said hi to him, but got no response. I then called him, only to find out that he hadn’t been on the camera at all… and it has happened several times since then. I wasn’t sure what the deal was – perhaps it was merely a weird camera thing with the nighttime lighting, shifting back and forth.

But then tonight happened. While it was on – kind of like the live viewing and clicking the microphone to speak – I heard an 18-wheeler’s horn honk… through the camera.

My man was not on it. I confirmed. It spooked us both. We changed out passwords immediately. And yet, it just happened again…

I reported the issue to the company. We shall see if they are able and willing to track the recent access of the device. I know there was a massive data leak recently for just about everything, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what happened, that a password got into the wrong hands.

God, please, free us from this potentially dangerous and definitely inappropriate invasion of privacy. Keep us always safe and pursuing and fulfilling your will, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Back to school

Tomorrow is the first day back at school for the Spring semester! I’m simultaneously chill and stressed. I basically have to create my entire two lessons in the morning before I have class. And I need to sit in on first period with the paternity leave sub, just to support and also to share how I sit in on the class regularly. So, that’s an hour less time I’ll have for making lessons.

God, help me to be productive and efficient tomorrow, please. Help me to be a good teacher for my students, and a good support for my colleagues. Keep us safe, please. And thank you for my man. Please, heal my grandmother, give her physical strength, and giver her renewed mental strength. In your name, I pray in gratitude and trust. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

You aren’t crazy

My mom has always said that crazy people don’t wonder if they’re crazy – they just think they’re normal. Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to speak with someone who was able, with spectacular grace and ease, to state clearly that what I have experienced throughout my life does not make me crazy, but actually one of many. I’ll keep it at that for now, but he made sure to check in with me to discuss further later in the day, and then followed up to confirm I had his e-mail and phone number, so that he could help get me set up with a spiritual director in town. And not just any spiritual director, but someone who is acquainted with my situation, and can support me in serving God and His people through this gift – after all, as I am coming to understanding, this gift is one specifically intended, not for one’s own spiritual growth, like the gifts of the Holy Spirit are, but for the good of all. So, yeah… I guess I now will learn to be like Spiderman, and make the world a better place in some new and yet undetermined way.

God, you certainly have some crazy surprises sometimes. I said I’d trust you, and so I do and shall. I definitely appreciate your sense of humor and irony. I love you. Thank you for the blessings that continue to grow around me in my life. Help us always to pursue and follow you and your will for us. Thank you for my man, my fiancé. Grant us grace and ease these next two weeks especially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Life

I need only be myself. Everything will work out beautifully and perfectly, if I choose always to be myself and to be myself fully and truly. God made me in his image and through his love, with his creativity. I am perfect through God, and God always will guide me.

Thank you for all of that, God. Keep us safe, please, and always in your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024