Tag: fears

Got a sec’?

It is very difficult for me to ask people for things, to make requests of others.  No matter the situation, no matter the request, it is always somewhat – if not extremely – difficult for me to make the request.  Of course, people seem to feel as though I have a comfortable confidence when making these requests, and have admitted to me of having no knowledge of my difficulty in making requests.  But that is simply because I make sure I am as ready as possible before making the requests.  I am usually the only one present for the inevitable turmoil that precedes a request for me.  Occasionally, my mother or best friend is around for part of the paranoia, and so they understand it a bit.  However, most people have no idea what it takes for me to make the simplest of requests of them.

All of that being said, perhaps one could understand how devastating it can be for me when I am denied a request, especially one that I might have expected to have been granted easily enough.  I am always so willing to receive requests from others, and yet I cannot practice what I wish to receive from others.  I suppose I have just had a little too much rejection of sorts in the past, that I lack the confidence now.

Post-a-day 2018

Fear of something, but what?

I did it.  I accomplished exactly what I’d wanted for today (and then some), and I cleaned out and cleared out that big box and its last 8%.  And as nervous as I might have been about doing that – trust me, this getting rid of things I’ve had forever and resisted getting rid of for at least a decade has been an incredible strain on me.  I mean, having all this stuff, exactly how it has been stored (a total mess), has been a huge part of my identity.  I guess it was a big part of myself of which I wasn’t really proud, but that doesn’t make it any easier to clean it up and let it all go.  I’ve never done anything so intense for myself as I am doing right now.  (Not actively, anyway… Japan was tough, but I wasn’t actively seeking out all of that.  I had no idea what was in store for me when I signed on for that job.)

That being said, I find that I’m almost more concerned about tomorrow’s events than any of this cleaning up and out stuff.  I’m going to a sort of luncheon for people in the Texas and Oklahoma area who returned this past year from the same program in which I participated, the returnees.  Something about it kind of terrifies me.

And I’m really not sure what it is…

 

Anyway, I’m going to do my meditation and painting I had planned for tonight.  Sweet dreams, this half of the world (and good morning and afternoon to the other half).  🙂

Post-a-day 2018

Is it tomorrow already?

Sometimes, I fear tomorrow.  Not because I fear the dawn or what is to come, but because I worry that I have not done enough with today, and that the feeling will drag into tomorrow, as well.  I am exhausted and I want to sleep, yet I have lain awake (just barely) in my bed for over half an hour already.  I accomplished much today, both physically and mentally, and I had a wonderful time with my mom, sharing most of the day with her, loving one another well and clearly.  But today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday.  I have so little time during the weekdays right now, that I feel a compulsion to make each weekend fully “worth it”.  Today was great, and yet I worry that Monday will arrive, and I will wish I had done something more over the weekend.  To be fair, though, I typically wish that I had had more sleep over the weekend, more so than wishing I’d done anything else.  How odd… perhaps it is best, then, that I sleep now.

Post-a-day 2017

A quality life

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful to have a role in it.  I worry at times that I am not using my gifts and talents to the fullest to benefit the world, and that I might reach the end of my life and feel I have not accomplished a satisfactory amount, given enough, created enough.   Though, I suppose quality is greatly important in the matter.  Nonetheless, is my current work in life (not necessarily my paid work, but my works, things I do in my life) of the quality that I want it to be?  Am I being the quality person I want to be?  Right now, I’m not sure.  It is something I have not really considered, I think.

I suppose I will consider it now…

Post-a-day 2017

The Fear of Openness and Intimacy

It is often terrifying to be open with people regarding very intimate things.  Usually, though, the result of the openness is absolutely wonderful, often beyond expectations.

Tonight, after months of nervous waiting and somewhat avoidance, I finally asked a friend about something that had been driving me absolutely crazy, – it even played a decent role in my depression – and the resulting conversation was beautiful.  Rather than the worst happening, and losing the foundations on which our friendship stood, as I had somehow feared, it feels now as though we are closer than ever, and ready for most any terrain (as opposed to just being on steady ground, where any change in the land would send everything rocking to a tumble and crumble).  And, at long last, I am free of that dragging, straining haul of thoughts that had hassled me for so long.  I have a headache, and I feel like I might have a fever, and yet I am in an easy happiness as I am going to bed right now.  Life is sometimes terrifying, and that’s okay.  Sometimes it just makes the next bit even better for the struggle it took to arrive there.  So is tonight. 🙂
Post-a-day 2017

Dreams, come true?

Have you ever been afraid of getting everything you ever wanted, for fear of losing it?  I’m not so sure where I’m going with this, but I’m beginning to wonder if that fear somehow plays a part in my own role of not pursuing fully my dreams, and not creating the space in my life for certain dreams to come true…

It’s only a thought, but I just wonder…
Post-a-day 2017