Sometimes, I fear tomorrow. Not because I fear the dawn or what is to come, but because I worry that I have not done enough with today, and that the feeling will drag into tomorrow, as well. I am exhausted and I want to sleep, yet I have lain awake (just barely) in my bed for over half an hour already. I accomplished much today, both physically and mentally, and I had a wonderful time with my mom, sharing most of the day with her, loving one another well and clearly. But today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday. I have so little time during the weekdays right now, that I feel a compulsion to make each weekend fully “worth it”. Today was great, and yet I worry that Monday will arrive, and I will wish I had done something more over the weekend. To be fair, though, I typically wish that I had had more sleep over the weekend, more so than wishing I’d done anything else. How odd… perhaps it is best, then, that I sleep now.
I have been worrying lately about my future. Every time I aim to figure out how to steer my career for the long term, I end up somewhat sad and upset, and totally uninspired. Thinking about this this weekend, I had the sudden obvious realization that I don’t have to know my long term – I don’t have to know what’s next after what’s next. Just one what’s next is good enough. It’s better than good enough – it’s actually great. Ideal, possibly. Yes, I have all sorts of ideas for my future, but they don’t need to be solid, set in stone now and forever. Every year, my dad is ‘about to retire’, and that’s been for the past decade, I believe. And yet, he’s still chugging along happily (mostly happy with it, anyway) at his job. And he’s one of the most plan-y people I know when it comes to work, finances, and career choices.
So, if I go for this now, I can be looking for what’s next while doing it. I certainly know that I end up becoming a new, different person after every phase of this or that, so how could I possibly know now what the future, new I will want most? Though I have my amazing moments, I’m not God, so I don’t know all.
I guess it is kind of just a slightly altered perspective of “What About Bob”’s baby steps. Worry about this room… then, when I’m in the hall, think about that hall…, and so on and so forth.
Yeah, I’m down with that.
Also, Brad Paisley was interviewed by Jeff Foxworthy on the radio this evening, and it was delightful in an unexpected way. Find the recording, if you can. They now plan to write a song together, as a result of the interview. I’m looking forward to it. 🙂
Today, someone put words, and therefore solidity and realness, to a thought that has floated nervously in the background of my mind recently. He said that, since I will be piecing together my work, and arranging my schedule to work with whatever work I do, I will be like an entrepreneur for myself (Hannah entrepreneur, he said), organizing things and my schedule out myself, as opposed to having my schedule and expectations already set out for me (as is typically the case with a job).
I liked and still like that idea – I get to design my life and be creative with it, instead of having to accept whatever some job tells me has to be my daily schedule for at least a year.
He also asked me all about things that interest me for my non-normal-job time (which could end up being close to a year, depending on how positions open up places). I almost have a sort of game plan already, just from this one conversation, and I have scheduled to sit down and think through things tomorrow, all with today’s conversation and ideas in mind.
A few of the things that stand out most to me as ‘something I want to do,’ but have never pursued, are becoming trained as a yoga instructor, improving my knowledge of massage therapy, teaching dance (for money), and working/volunteering at least once at The Texas Rennaissance Festival (Renfest for short). I am already added or applied to be added to various substitute lists, and I am on one tutoring list (need to make some decisions on location, and then make calls for that within the next week for more lists). And I need to check up on lacrosse officiating recertification within the next week, too.
These are my present ideas, and they inspire me. 😀 I am excited about my planning tomorrow.
A blank page awaits me, and yet I have nothing to say… Rather, I have so much to say, that I cannot seem to make any of it organize itself out into something sensical. I know that I have much to say, but all that is coming to mind is a sort of doo-too-doo hoo-hoom, boom ba-doom…di-doh-doo… doo-too-doo hoo-hoom, boom ba-doom… some unidentifiable song that my mind seems to be humming passively. It almost feels like an obsessive relaxation technique at play, as though my subconscience were taking steps to keep me as near to sanity as possible, when it sees me edging toward a sort of breakdown. Right now, if I focus on this nothing, this song, I am okay. I am breathing. If I were to focus on one of the many somethings that are rolling around in my head, I might just freak out and go a little nuts (in a different way than my typical demeanor displays my general oddness and weirdities).
So, instead of going insane, I hum-drum in my head, unable to find words or any clear thoughts. I am breathing shallowly somewhat, but I am breathing. And that, in itself, is something worth appreciating.
My life is a blessing, no matter how much I may be terrified of what it may hold next. 🙂