Running trauma

I ran again today, and much farther than the other two times from this past weekend. It is really cool to be able to run again. I am grateful and relieved. However, I have noticed that I definitely received some trauma from my fall six weeks ago (September 25th, y’all). When I run, I have a slight panic in my space, and I eye the ground with trepidation. It we better today than Sunday, and that was better than Friday. However, it is definitely there, that emotional and slight psychological trauma from such an intense and unreal fall and injury. I was actually scared to run on Friday, as soon as I started out. I took it easy and went slowly, but that wasn’t just to be gentle with my knees. I was scared. I eventually laughed at the point I found myself contemplating what running safety would or could be, because I knew I wasn’t going to wear it and I also knew that it would be ridiculous. (Basically, I imagined myself running in what I wear to ride my motorcycle, helmet and face mask and all, and I cracked up in delight as such an absurd idea. That helped with my fear somewhat, though it didn’t heal it.

Today, I was still scared when running, but the repeated activity was always becoming more casual and passive mentally, so my brain was able to relax some more for the run. It was a good time today.

Post-a-day 2020

Movie night(mare)s

My siblings thought it was an acceptable idea to have me watch the original ”Scream” film when it came out. I was five. My mom was furious. But I survived. I even have a sort of affinity for the film, despite the many nightmares it produced throughout my childhood. 😂

Then, “I know what you did last summer” was another they shared with me, only a year later… yikes. Again, though, I survived.

The sequel was freaky but fun for me, because it was possibly the first sequel to release during my lifetime for something that I knew.

At some point, before age nine, they showed me “Jaws”. “Jaws” is actually one of my favorite films – I even read the book recently! – despite the nightmares… and general fear of the ocean… that still exists today… 😂

Frankly, seeing “The Sixth Sense” at my mom’s strong recommendation when I was eight was significantly more traumatizing than any of the others, and I, to this day, have bad dreams and spooky nights because of it…, but that’s for different reasons. “Scream” isn’t very practical or realistic for everyday life.

“Deep Blue Sea” and “Lake Placid”, at age eight, were probably the films that put me over the edge in terms of being comfortable swimming alone in any body of water… I just couldn’t do it – even in the pool at my brothers’ dad’s house, I was somehow convinced that, after I had started to swim away from the wall, someone had opened up a secret panel behind me, and released a shark into the water…., and so I would rush to the other side and wrench myself out of the water as fast as possible, breathing hard… always to find no shark, of course… fortunately, of course…

One of my brothers – one not involved in having me watch the scary movies – had mentioned to me, after his having seen “The Ring” in theatres, that the film was terribly funny due to the fakeness of so much of it… he was the only one laughing during the film, but he was laughing hard at times, he said.

The thought of a scary film’s being funny was new to me, and I considered that I might want to see this film…, but not badly enough to seek it out – I had already written away scary films from my life by that point.

One night, however, years later, I was drawn by a film that came on television, not knowing what film it was. I had an odd feeling that it was “The Ring”, however, and I turned out to be correct in that judgment. Keeping my brother’s idea of humor in mind, I stuck with the film. Frankly, I also found the film quite stupid in many ways, as my brother had suggested and described years beforehand. I was still haunted in dreams by certain aspects of the film, but I recovered much more easily than with any other scary film I had ever seen, and I attributed it to the mentality of laughing at the graphics and illogic of certain visual scenarios within the film – thereby distancing myself from the story itself.

I still stay firmly away from scary films, though, and horror films are a solid no for me, with no question of even discussing them and their subject matter…

I’m almost certain that almost all of my nighttime and dark-alley fears have come from films…, so, perhaps life could have been a lot easier not having the scary films in it…, but perhaps it is just those fears that have me be so prepared for just about anything in life…?

Anyway, the point is that I very much dislike and avoid scary movies (now that I have say and am not a little kid), but I was exposed to several as a young child, yet I survived.

So, if you are watching a film, and discover in the middle that it might be a bit too gory or freaky for a child in the room, don’t worry too much… you’ll probably traumatize them much more with other things in life than with that movie… I don’t encourage the scary films – not at all – but I recommend not panicking too badly, if they end up seeing something you think might be a bit much for them… they’ll survive. 😂

Waltzing with trauma

Yesterday, a friend shared a recording of a waltz he sang.

It was lovely and inspiring.

I danced around my living room, true form and moves and everything; I felt it all through my back, that fabulous stress of tension that looks just glorious in the posture while waltzing… and I loved it.

And, while I was doing it, at one point, as I stumbled mentally on certain moves, I had the thought – the kind of thought that is more of an all-encompassing feeling and experience than it is actual words in my brain – of wanting to dance with a specific individual, as it would be so much easier if I were just waltzing with him.. it always was so easy to waltz with him…

It was a thought that made me open my eyes wider… it made me want to consider, but not too hard… for the moment, I would dance, and just set the thought to the side, and allow myself to return to it later on, so that I could enjoy my waltzing for the moment.

Today, listening to a faster waltz – a Viennese waltz – I found myself thinking again on how easy it always was, and therefore nice, to waltz with that same person who had come to mind yesterday…

I had, yesterday, found discomfort in my thoughts, via a slight worry that I actually would put myself back into interactions with this person – a person who hurt me terribly – , and thereby degrade my terrible experiences and all the feelings associated with them… kind of like just ignoring that they ever happened…

And that would feel like a disservice to myself, and a denial of my own value – for it was terrible, because I deserved and deserve so much better than the treatment I had been given – and I don’t want that to happen.

Yet, tonight, as those same thoughts arose again upon consideration of the somewhat surprising desire (?) to dance with him, I asked myself if there were something beyond that concern… What if that weren’t an issue? Is there something else to be noticed about this current scenario?

And there was, as it happens.

Just as I have said lately, and have very recently not so much discovered, but begun truly to acknowledge as being so within my own life, people are more than their good deeds or their bad deeds…. also, the good do not negate the bad, and the bad do not negate the good of an individual.

Said differently, if someone does loads of amazing things, and then does one bad thing, that one bad thing does not erase all the good things… and the reverse is true, as well, with one good thing not erasing all the bad things an individual has done.

What is the case, however, is that each action can stand for itself… a good deed can be taken as a good deed, a bad as a bad, and the one does not have to affect the other.

So, applied here, the terrible string of events and everything that happened because of that individual does not mean I need to feel guilty or worried or paranoid about wanting to waltz with him… I enjoyed waltzing with him, because he was good at waltzing… period.

And, just because I want to waltz with him, does not mean I am excusing him of all of the terrible he gave to me and my life, or even than I am saying it wasn’t a whole lot of terrible (because it certainly was a whole lot of terrible).

It simply means that, despite all the terrible, there was good, and I valued and still do value that good – in this case, the waltzing.

So, yeah… there’s that to think on for a while, I suppose.

Post-a-day 2020