Some days, you rent a red 2013 beetle and, after spending four hours straight tutoring, drive two hours out of town to visit your cousin, who is in from… somewhere, anyway…, and you find yourself walking the neighborhood in the middle of the night together (even though you have to leave before seven the next morning), because you only reached 5,000 steps (of your required daily 10,000) in all of your tutoring and driving, and you find yourself, as you listen to Norah Jones to compare it with the Bob Dylan and the Beach Boys similar songs your cousin was playing on the piano, chuckling silently and inwardly at the silliness of the whole situation (including the part where you technically have two other vehicles sitting back at home right now), also wondering how that morning wake-up is going to go…
Oh, no… that, again, is just my some days… in particular, my today… 😛
Today, I have been in an area that feels like the end of my whits in terms of toleration of things. Even the little things, the ones that usually are very oh, well, whatever to me, evoked strong reactions from me today. To be fair, I did have a good amount of nonsense and frustration today with school. And I am quite tired. I struggled driving home tonight, and it was hardly after 8:30. By 9:00, I was sort of an angry emotional wreck, desperately prepping and eating some food, in a state of distress. Now, showered and sitting on my bed, I have tears edging their way out of me, though I haven’t felt any in waiting all day. (Except for during the really good bits of the opera, of course, but that’s totally different from the rest of the day’s events and emotions.)
I am angry, to at least frustrated, and I’m not sure why… and I worry that it is for health reasons that I am so stressed. Part of me wants to be right, but I think more of me wants to be wrong… and I worry that I am right, anyway.
I’m hardly making sense, I think, so I’ll just go to sleep, possibly sobbing a bit to relieve whatever this is coming up right now. I had a similarly-strong-emotion day this past weekend, and I wonder if they are related to the same underlying concern to which I have considered attributing today’s emotional state.
Anyway… goodnight, please.
Sometimes, I fear tomorrow. Not because I fear the dawn or what is to come, but because I worry that I have not done enough with today, and that the feeling will drag into tomorrow, as well. I am exhausted and I want to sleep, yet I have lain awake (just barely) in my bed for over half an hour already. I accomplished much today, both physically and mentally, and I had a wonderful time with my mom, sharing most of the day with her, loving one another well and clearly. But today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday. I have so little time during the weekdays right now, that I feel a compulsion to make each weekend fully “worth it”. Today was great, and yet I worry that Monday will arrive, and I will wish I had done something more over the weekend. To be fair, though, I typically wish that I had had more sleep over the weekend, more so than wishing I’d done anything else. How odd… perhaps it is best, then, that I sleep now.
Tonight, I put on my TUESDAY underwear after my shower. While I actually did believe today to be Tuesday at one point earlier on in the day, that was not my reason for doing this. I considered them for a few moments as I stood over my suitcase, and then reached down and grabbed them with intention. I’m not certain how to put it, really. It was, in part, a representation of my distaste for today’s events (and therefore today) and my rejection of today (in a sense), and, in part, my rejection of the standards of days-of-the-week underwear as a means of rebelling against something that feels to be beyond my control with my current experience of time and the specific days of this week. Also, things were much more hopeful on Tuesday. Tuesday was a good day this week and last.
Today was the bad one. Although, to be fair, a lot of good has come out of the ending section of today – lots of love, especially. When Snapchat (which I don’t even use) and the concern of looking good (someone else’s concern) knock you in the face, it’s really nice to have love show up and remind you that you are great, and that those ideas have no bearing on the situation.