We went to Mass this evening, and I kind of really like doing that. There is something about ‘making sure we go to Mass’ on Sunday that usually makes Sundays just not feel like a day of rest. I certainly want to go to Mass. But there is something about going Saturday evening that makes so much more seem possible in a weekend. It’s easy to have dinner after a 5pm on Saturday, because we can stay up late Saturday night. But dinner after a 5pm on Sunday must be quick and orderly, and we have to ‘get to it’ to get everything ready for bed and for an early start Monday morning. If we do Sunday morning Mass, we can’t stay up late Saturday night, removing much of the fun of having a Saturday night without a day of work after it, but with a day of rest to follow. Granted, we aren’t going out and partying hard or anything. Oftentimes, we are just doing things at home after dinner, or wanting to watch a movie or something, just hanging out together, even. But we’d have to cut it all short, especially in the summer, to go get ready for bed, if we had Mass the next morning. Plus, there is a certain stress around making sure alarms are set for everyone to get up and out the door in time for Church the next morning, allied with getting as much sleep as possible yet practicable. We can never seem to get to bed truly early enough on a Saturday night – we have too much energy for that on Saturdays – not to be rushing the next morning to get to Mass. So, Sunday morning Mass always has a certain stress tied to it.
What’s more, I get stressed having to keep an eye on the time all day to make sure we don’t miss the only chance we have for something. By going to Mass Saturday, the idea of having the options of Sunday morning and evening, just in case something changes or comes up, gives me great ease…
Coming home from Mass on Sunday requires down time for me. Often, I want to go do something, to celebrate the joys we just got to experience in Mass. But that doesn’t work out so easily on a Sunday evening, for reasons already mentioned, or on a Sunday after morning Mass, because it’s time to start getting ready for lunch and anything else that needs to get done that day before bedtime routines need to start.
This may all sound ridiculous, but it is very real for me. I had forgotten the ease that came with Saturday vigil. Experiencing it tonight brought forth a release of stress that I hadn’t fully realized I’d been carrying about Sunday Mass. But, boy, can I feel the lifting of that weight tonight as I go to bed…
I can now look forward to a Sunday in which I don’t have to get dressed up or go be around and with a lot of people. I can truly have a day of rest and contemplation in my own home. The hubbub and buzz of going to Church is much more suiting for Saturday and its many activities and events and general happenings around town. The restful start – without the alarm and rushing to get ready and out the door – with no requirements but to be faithful and to be here, makes Sunday a true day of rest, and, thereby, prayer and contemplation, as well as an offering to God. Wow.
Thank you, God, for this insight into my relationship with you and with the world around me. Thank you for this love. Amen.
Dear Lord, please, help my man to find relief and fulfillment in his work. If this is not the job for him, help him to find clearly what he must do now and next, and when next is. Please, make his every step clear for us both, that we may pursue and fulfill your will through his work. Grant him ease and confidence, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Well, jury duty was a success. I prayed a lot about it, and I asked for clear guidance, courage, and the necessary words and judgement from God and the dear Saints in order to do God’s will and to share his love in the world through me, and I do believe they provided it all. I knew I would be selected as a potential juror – one of those God-granted feelings – and I ended up being the second-to last one called, of 80 people (from a total of about 200 folks who didn’t get excused).
But, because I’d known, when there were only five names remaining, I knew not to think I was about to go home. It was just a matter of which number I was. And that was juror number 79.
And juror number 79, despite full intentions not to speak up about things unless absolutely necessary, spoke up a lot.
Mostly, I asked for clarity on things, definitions, to repeat something that had been read aloud quickly (which half the room could not actually read on the far-away screen in small font – seriously, what are they thinking there?? – in the first place). Sometimes, I answered the questions they were asking, mostly when I had a clear answer to share and no one else was speaking up already or had not mentioned what I then added. For the most part, each time I contributed left me chucking to myself quietly afterward and shaking my head. I had asked for clear guidance and the right words for fulfilling God’s will, and it was quickly clear that God wanted me to be seen and heard today.
I was not one of the annoyances – a few people did it intentionally, and several just didn’t seem to have a clue on many things – but I was involved a decent amount throughout the two hours of questioning from the attorneys. By the end of it, I was genuinely wanting to be on the jury.
It was even a criminal case, which I had feared most beforehand. The subject, however sensitive it may be, was a matter in which I truly felt I could see both sides freely. I have had to sort through some serious crap that was done to me in my life, and that people I care about have done. And I have learned to honor that they did what they felt was the only option at the time – no matter how horrible the action may have been or how twisted their thinking likely was – and that people do not necessarily act maliciously when they commit crimes against others… even the really bad ones. Yes, there certainly are plenty of times that malicious intent is present for crimes in this world – the devil’s work is rampant at times. But it is not necessarily there, and that distinction is well beyond being of little importance, and possibly one of the most important aspects of a crime.
Now, the one place where I disagree heartily with the legal system is that people who’s really convicted of crimes rarely get the actual rehabilitative help they truly need to rejoin society as fully functioning, contributing, and valuable members of society. Often, they are merely given fines and/or locked up for a long time, and then released, older and a bit wiser, but not likely healed from whatever caused them to commit a crime in the first place. That, to me, is extremely sad and unequivocally important. However, that set aside for the moment, as there is nothing that would handle it so immediately as to be relevant today, my mind really went in a direction I had not fully expected for today (though, it did not surprise me truly).
Wanting to be on that jury felt odd. I would not be at all surprised if the defendant had done the crime of which he was accused. But I also would believe that he hadn’t done it at all, or hadn’t done it in a sound mind with the true intention of injury that may have resulted from it. But I knew I could see both sides openly, and that I could call out my automatic judgements and biases rather well – after all, I had been doing it since we’d started the afternoon’s questioning.
I had major biases that came up for each of the attorneys present, as well as the rest of the people in the room. And I intentionally let each of those drop, so that I could consider what was actually being offered to me, instead of my predetermined judgements. One side had a good-looking attorney and then a mostly smooth-talking attorney who asked all the questions. Though I fully love my state, I did not trust these young and clean-cut state attorneys. As I thought about it throughout the afternoon, I came up with a clear way to say how I seem to approach everything and everything: I am respectfully skeptical of everyone (and everything). I notice my biases and immediately look to see how things would be different without them. I typically alter my behavior with my thinking, whenever necessary in those moments.
The other side of the trial had an older, somewhat dumpy-looking (due to fat, not any actual unkempt nature of the man – he was quite clean and together) attorney who was not great with technology (but he figured it out well enough!), and a slow-talking and occasionally bumbling attorney who was clearly not the best at switching between reading and speaking on the fly. My natural instinct was to trust the good-looking attorneys and not the not-good-looking ones, to trust the easygoing quick-tongued one and not the slower one. But I saw those biases and did not trust them as truth. They are merely judgements, and do not necessarily determine what is actually true. Like with the slower talking attorney who struggled with the back-and-forth of questioning and reading his notes and adapting to changes – we all learn differently. Anyone can look like an idiot in the right setting, and anyone can thrive and seem like a genius in the right setting. These men are no exception. One lawyer thrives on the talking, the other does not. It does not mean that the latter cannot make a better legal case – just that it won’t have such pretty words and fluidity as the former’s.
So, anyway, having constantly to set aside my judgements had me realize that I not only could be quite valuable on a jury, but that I wanted to be on the jury because I felt I could be fair in my judgements. Even if the man had done the crimes, if the court could not provide evidence in support of it beyond a reasonable doubt, he is innocent in court, no matter if the whole jury were to think him guilty; he must be declared innocent of the crimes. Taking it one step further, no matter the outcome in court, his behavior going forward for the rest of his life will determine for him what happens for eternity for him. Either he will be with God or he will not be with God. Whatever the case, that part is on him in this life, determined by him and by him alone. We have no say in that. But we do have say as to whether the evidence provided supports one way or the other the accusation given to this man. (And, somehow, that realization this morning made all the difference for me.)
In the end, nine men and three women were selected, and they didn’t even make it past the 50s in the selections. So, though I very much expected to be on the jury, they never even got to discuss me as a possibility. I’d briefly forgotten what I had been grateful to remember initially this morning that juries are selected in order, only moving forward if one is denied – a jury could be the first 12 jurors if no denials arise on either side of the case, however unlikely that may actually be. Ours had the first half of the jury filled by juror ten, at which point I remembered how they filled a jury and was bummed out a bit. I likely was the only person released today who wasn’t really glad to have been released.
God granted me understanding and a change of mind, as I very much anticipated, and somewhat didn’t want. Haha
Now, it was perfect that I’d had the duty today, as it placed me near the car dealership. Just as I was leaving, I cracked my windows a bit to let out the hot air from inside the car. I rolled them all back up a few seconds later as I drove out of the parking lot to head home.
And I heard a metallic-like CRACK!
In some degree, the rear passenger window had come off its railings in a malfunction, and would not slide up anymore. I pulled over only to find that the window could slide casually down and down and down.
Not good.
So, I dropped it to the dealership – because this has to be covered under warranty, since I rarely use the window and the car isn’t even three years old – even though they had no appointments available for the final 40 minutes of their workday. The manager was actually helpful and kind to me, though – I’d never met him before, but I had had lots of struggle with agents in the past there – and sent me on my way in an Uber rather quickly, after a free snack and drink. (I had a soda can of V8 that was just veggies with tomatoes, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.) Someone will look at the window in the morning, and they’ll let me know the full situation. Until then, it will sit inside a shop, with window tape covering the slightly open window. It might be a few days for parts to be ordered and delivered. They would give me a free rental car, but only once they know what’s wrong and confirm it is warranty-valid (versus tampering). So, I’ll have to go back to get the rental car, which is rather far from home. So, we’ll see what happens.
Whatever the case, sure glad I had the jury duty summons today, which put me right by the dealership, and sure glad I don’t have the case the rest of this week, so I don’t have to figure out how to get way out there without my vehicle tomorrow.
Phew!
God sure has a way of helping us to find gratitude in upsets.
While emotionally difficult, the film “The Sound of Freedom” is an important and valuable film, especially for those who have little exposure to information of human trafficking and its statistics.
Human trafficking is a true thing, unfortunately, and, many could say, undeniable work of the devil, as spooky or odd as that might sound. I, myself, had the thought tonight, Why does God allow this? And I realized immediately: He doesn’t. It is not God’s will or work at all…
So, go see “The Sound of Freedom”, a film that portrays rather well the true story of a Homeland Security officer who was moved by the encouragement of God to valuable, illogical, immensely dangerous, and life-saving action. Then, spread the word to upload hotel and hotel room photos to TraffickCam.com in order to help AI help to identify where trafficked people are being kept, transferred, and photographed. They are both small yet significant steps on helping to heal the world and to slow down the terrifying rate of human trafficking, in hopes of eventually ending it altogether.
If you’re ever in Houston, stop by A 2nd Cup, a coffee shop dedicated to educate on and to help end human trafficking. As they say, they are more than a cafe – they are coffee with a cause. And their coffee and teas are actually quite good to drink, too.
In addition to that, love. Please, love. Especially those who are the worst of company, show them mercy’s no show them love. If you cannot show your own love to these people, show them God’s love. The only way truly to heal our world and its many sadnesses and evils is with love. Let people know that they matter – they, too, are children of God, even if they have strayed from His path and will in their lives. It is likely a lack of love that led them astray in the first place. They, too, and they, especially, need love. So, I ask you, please, to love.
Dear God, help us to love, please. Give us the courage we need to help heal the world through your love. In your name, we pray. Amen.
But we are still struggling to figure out how to let go of all the insecurities and junk that doesn’t serve us, in order to accept the love each of us has for the other.
And that part has proven surprisingly difficult and incredibly annoying.
‘Why do we have to piss each other off so much?’
‘Because we’re so hard-headed.’
‘And defensive.’
‘What? Me? Speak for yourself!’
😂😂
I’m just glad we can see it all. It isn’t easy to work through all of this, but it would be loads harder and nearly impossible doing it blindly.
Thank you, God, for this love and this relationship. Help us always to become better with each other through your love. Help us to let go of that which does not serve our highest selves and you, as you intended it to be in our lives. Thank you for this life. Help all to experience and notice your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.
I’ll get to wake up knowing that he is on his way back here. I likely will be a bit anxious throughout most of the day. However, I pray for God’s guidance and steadying hand, that I keep myself busy with the tasks I want to complete tomorrow before my love gets back.
Dear God, please, keep my man and the dog and the stuff all safe and together tomorrow. Give them safe and easy passage back here to me. Give me guidance and a steadying hand – help me to trust in you, tomorrow especially, and to trust in your love and your power to keep them safe. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will. Heal where we are hurting. Help us to share your love always and to be our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.
One more day, and then he’ll be heading back to me. I can hardly wait. I’ve never missed someone – not even him – like this.
God, keep him safe, please, and give him a safe and easy passage back here this Friday, along with all his things and the car and the dog – keep them all safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
I was so extremely careful with every photo I sent and with everything I wrote here, and then I got distracted and wanted to capture a video of my uncle starting up his boat, and rushed to do it, then sent it to my mom and my man without thinking about proofing the photo first.
And that blew it. I almost immediately had a phone call. “Where did you get those plants?” Plants? What plants did he mean? I checked the photo I’d last sent him twenty minutes prior. Those are only the trees in pots that I moved around a bit – not new plants. I think that must be it. And then I realize that I had just sent a photo to him and my mom, not just to him… and I definitely didn’t proof it before sending it.
Sure enough, right there in the center bottom of the photo is visible a whole corner of the new garden beds and their flower and shrubs. I worked so many hours on that thing, and I was so careful to keep it a surprise for my man when he got back this Friday… for two weeks, I have kept this secret from him successfully, despite a few close calls. But man… I blew it this morning, and now he knows about the brand new flower beds, which are gorgeous, by the way. I hauled almost a thousand pounds of bricks… twice… to make the border of the beds. Add to that the weed burning and pulling and digging-up, as well as the shoveling out of all the pebbles, and then the tilling of the soil and removal of random brick pieces buried all throughout the area, flattening of the border area, laying of pebbles, tamping the pebbles flat, and then placing and leveling the border bricks. It was a lot. And it was outside in the heat, all in my own.
And, before all that, I’d gone to talk with experts and to look at plants, researched a bunch online, and, later, even brought a soil sample to an expert to confirm that my planned plants could survive in the soil. I was keeping it on a tight budget, so far as putting in garden beds goes. And I’d arranged to get a bunch of free mint (three types) and oregano from my brother, who has a huge garden.
The only consolation I truly have is that he hasn’t seen the whole area, all together. It really is impressive all together, even compared to seeing just a portion of it. So, I hope he truly will enjoy that and be surprised by it. I know he’ll love it all, whether he’s surprised or not, and that’s truly the point – that he enjoy something I did for him to enjoy. So, we still have that, even if the element of the big surprise has been lost.
I did tell him how I worked so hard to keep it all secret and just to do it all period, and asked him still to be surprised when he got home. He readily agreed, and, when I reiterated later in the conversation, he replied, ‘About what?’, which was lovely of him to do.
Thank you, God, for this absolutely amazing man and for allowing us to choose each other. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please, help my flowers and plants to thrive and to keep our yard beautiful. In your name, I pray. Amen.
So much energy today, after so much energy last night and so little sleep… has me worn tf out… seriously. I’m too in the middle to be so surrounded by extroverted stuff for so long in a row. I need that balance of the introverted stuff and low energy breathing room. Too much of either is too much. Balance is where perfection lies for me, and this weekend has been way out of balance so far.
I look forward with gratitude to tomorrow and to having much less stimulation. Still won’t be what I fully need, but it will be less, and I am grateful for that.
God, thank you for this life. Please, help me to find the ease I seem to need right now. Help me to release this pent-up strain from overstimulation. Help me to be myself and at ease, breathing fully again. Also, please, keep my man safe and well, and the dog and vehicle and stuff, too, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Thank you, God, for the guidance I received for today. Please, help me to understand my guidance for tomorrow, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.
I woke up just after 4:30 this morning, used the bathroom quickly, and got back into bed, sleepy. But I couldn’t fall back asleep. By 5:30, I had determined to get on up. Shortly after that, I did a full workout, finishing around 6:30, and cooking and eating a bigger-than-usual breakfast around seven. And the day only went on well from there. Even the rainstorm felt beautiful today, somehow, despite the veritable pond that has developed in our backyard where the chickens are supposed to have free roaming.
Anyway, I got bitten horribly by mosquitos when I went outside this evening, but it was still a good day.
I even really started missing my man, in a way I really haven’t since woke first nights of knowing each other… but it was still a good day.
And now, I will go to bed and likely sleep very hard tonight, still missing him.
Thank you, God, for all this beauty and love in my life. We love you. Amen.
hannah ananas 