Tag: self-expression

The struggle

Sometimes, I just don’t want to do it anymore… it just feels so hard.

In a pit of the impossible, miserable and feeling like hope is worthless…

And part of me knows that all will be well.

Yet the everything of right now just makes it feel not worth it.

I guess this is the point they’ve been discussing all of Lent on Hallow, when we must just let go and let God take over for us. When we have hit our own limits and we can only proceed by acknowledging that we cannot do it ourselves, that we need God’s help.

A part of me doesn’t want it to get better, but I don’t know why. Perhaps because I know it will take such effort to get better. Perhaps because I don’t want to have to get over the pain. Perhaps because I want to be right that this is horrible behind fairness. Perhaps because, if this were better, I then would have to deal with all the other junk out there right now… and the idea of facing any of that after facing this is just…. even worse than sitting here in the crap mental space that currently surrounds me…

Oh, God… help me to want to heal fully and truly, and then to heal. Help me to forgive you. Help me to let go of the responsibility and guilt of this all. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Society

Society calls for us to hide our pains from the world around us. And yet, how hurtful has it been each time we have learned that someone has been suffering silently, and often entirely alone, right by us, but without our knowledge… and wished we could have helped?

Perhaps we aren’t made to keep it hidden inside. Perhaps we were made to share, including our struggles, with those around us.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…

I think we were. How else would we grow truly close to those around us? How could we learn to love each other fully, to show our love fully? Perhaps it is why everyone seems so far away these days…

Post-a-day 2024

Ugh

I ate reasonably today. Though, I definitely likely should have eaten more. I’m going to bed feeling slightly ill, and I’m hoping I’ll have a good appetite in the morning, and eat some good eggs. I need to make sure I have snack bars for lunch, though, because school has been doing only breaded stuff for Fridays during Lent, and that won’t do for me right now, especially not fried fish (I can’t stand it).

I wish my husband were home right now. He has a meeting. But I miss him.

Anyway, I’m going to sleep now. Goodnight.

Thank you, God. Be with us always, please, and take over wherever you see fit, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Bellyache

Well, it seemed a bit easier to eat today than yesterday, and definitely easier than the previous week. I missed lunch, due to the schedule at school and the fact that the one location didn’t have anything I could eat (and not be massively ill), and so couldn’t get to the other location in time before class even to get salad and quinoa. But, since that made me very hungry by the end of the school day, I went ahead and went to one of the Chinese places to get a dish I had kind of been wanting for several days already.

So, I arrived at home with a bunch of food for us both. I kept gluten out of it, and the only grains was a box of steamed rice that we barely even touched. (Genuinely had a single bite with the rest of the food, then a few bites after we got home later from shopping.) I overate, but we went for a digestion walk, so that helped.

However, as we headed out to pick up a few things from the grocery store and to look at a shelving unit at IKEA, we discovered that the food had hit us a bit. Walking through IKEA, my husband kept saying things like, “Don’t follow me,” as he casually walked away from me… to pass gas. And no, it was not even silent gas most of the time. It was a good thing the store was almost empty, because people would have been 1) shocked and 2) on the floor. They were bad. At one point, I was running away from one, and I hid my face so the approaching woman wouldn’t see that I was holding my nose. However, a few seconds later, she was covering her own nose with her jacket as she rushed down the main aisle. ::face palm

But, before all the gas started – yes, I had gas, too, but it was silent and meager compared to what was going on chez my husband – we had gotten some cake and coffee at the cafe, since the thing downstairs was closed and we couldn’t get any soft serve. It was a nice little date that cost us only the price of the cakes, since we’re IKEA Family members.

Oh! And we got our pillow and mat for the back door for a total of a dollar, seven, because I had a $10 discount birthday reward. So, yay to that, too! Double yay!

Anyway, I’m lying in bed now, clearly with gas still in my belly. Hopefully, it can release at least a bit more before I go to sleep, or it will be a tough night for sleep. I’m glad it was easier for me to eat and to stomach food today, but this gas… yikes. Haha

Yes, I’m sure you were delighted to hear all about that part of our evening. 😛 But imagine how surprised someone would have been if I’d allowed my husband to leave one of his noxious gas deposits in one of the drawers that have the “Look inside!” sticker on them… that would have been a terrible experience for the poor soul who opened it to look inside, to be sure. (Totally hilarious, of course, but also very uncool and not appropriate or loving to our fellow humans.)

Post-a-day 2024

Bedtime

I’m tired. And I want to be held. And I’m tired of going to bed alone. And I’m tired of not exercising enough.

I did actually get in some exercise both yesterday and today, though both were only partial exercise. However, they were more than I did the previous two weeks, which was an improvement, and I am grateful for that. I hope to do some tomorrow, too. Even that little bit today helped and that chunk yesterday helped, too.

I also wakes the dog today. It was the longer route, and we went kind of fast. I kept up my pace, which meant I was basically dragging the dog along by the final third of it. But it was good for us both. I got depressive today, which felt all the more terrible than I had been feeling lately for lack of sleep and for rodeo stress – aka people being stupid very unnecessarily. So, going outside into the sunlight and also doing a brisk walk we’re both helpful. And the dog’s being with me helped me feel like I had company. (I had thought my husband and I could spend the day together today, but hadn’t known until last night that he had his onboarding stuff at the office all morning today, then flying all afternoon. So, sad for the day’s plans, but good for his work, for his mental health, and for our income.)

But we got to have a Costco pizza pie for dinner (and a hot dog for me) to celebrate Pi Day together. We even shared one of the coffee freeze things that are delicious, which is rare for us – my husband doesn’t exactly share single servings of things, so that was big. We had a great little date night out at Costco, and we also got my grandma’s coffee things and fresh organic blueberries for myself (I’d say we got them for ourselves, but he never ate his half of the last batch, and they went bad, so I’m not bothering to share this time. Not in a mean way. Just in a practical sense. If he wants some, he can take them, but I’m not leaving any for him intentionally this time.).

I’ve been really wanting fresh fruits and veggies lately. I want all those awesome smoothies and juices from these couple super healthy smoothie places. But that’s super unaffordable. Why the stuff without all the added junk is so much more expensive is still baffling to me. It tastes better and is better for us, plus is easier to make, but costs loads more. I just wish I were better at making smoothies. I somehow mess them up 60-70% of the time and make something terrible, though healthy. That 40% where it is tolerable or delicious is giving me ever-decreasing confidence in trying to make them at all anymore.

But I really want a good smoothie. I can make this one morning one really well still. But making ones that don’t have too much sweet (to where they don’t give me gas) has been difficult for me the past few years. That’s why I stopped making them altogether, really. I need veggie smoothies, but don’t have any good recipes. I always just made it up. (Also why they often sucked.)

Anyway, I’m worn out. Off to snuggle with my stuffed animals and sleep half-upright, because that pizza was so bad for my digestion, I can’t even lie down flat without risk of things going back upward right now (hours later). Ugh…

Anyway, goodnight, folks! Sleep well, sweet dreams, and May God bless you beautifully and unexpectedly this week.

God, be with us all newly this week, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Bedsheets

How long is right for the time between changing bedsheets? Some folks sweat at night, others (myself included) really do not. Some folks go to bed without showering – absolutely not okay for my brain – and others always shower and go to bed clean.

If one is both of the dirtier options, then one necessarily would need to wash sheets more frequently (well, change them, anyway – one could have ten sets and wash them only rarely). If one is both of the cleaner options, it can go longer, but there is still a limit.

And the weather often affects what the body does throughout the night, anyway. So, a wrench in any effort at having a clear strategy from the previously-mentioned information.

So, yeah. Just about every day sounds good to me. Thanks. 😛

Post-a-day 2024

Done

We are done with our rodeo shifts for this year’s rodeo. “We” being my mom and sister-in-law and I. My husband still had two more to go with my stepdad. But we are finished for the year now. We finished this afternoon. And then we had prime rib for having paid our dues early as a team, then tres leches for my miniature surprise birthday celebration. My brother brought the cake and the surprise, and my husband joined us, too, for the planned family hangout. We then strolled around with purpose, aiming to have the random terrible-for-you food stuff we had wanted to try this year. So, we each had a fried Oreo, we shared a funnel cake, my man and I shared a fried Snickers – actually, I like those lots better normal than fried, because it just seemed like warm crunchy peanut butter when fried (Not that it wasn’t good. It just wasn’t snickers.) – we considered some Fruity Pebbles things – it sounded kind of awful, in the end, either with friend shrimp or pineapple – we sat in absurdly expensive massage chairs that were so-so, and we watched some steer being judged in one of the youth shows for ‘lightweight’ steers, which are up to 1150 pounds… can you believe that is considered light weight?

Anyway, it was a good time. I am grateful to be done with shifts for the year and I am grateful to have had a good time with my family this afternoon and evening. Now, I shall sleep and truly relax.

Thank you, God, for the good time. Help me to recover well with my sleep tonight, please, that I may continue to improve our home tomorrow and the rest of this week. Help me to honor you through honoring my family and our home. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Tea Party

Today, we attended a tea party as a bridal shower for my friend’s sister. And it was actually really nice. We very much enjoyed the tea party, and it had me want to have more tea parties in my life… which was a surprise for me! Who knew I would want to have tea parties in my life??

Thank you, God, for such a lovely day with family and with friends. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024