Tag: stones

Back and forth and round and round

Have you ever checked your subconscious for its opinions on things?

My mom introduced me to pendulums years and years ago, and I’ve even had my own for many years now. However, I have very rarely used it in the past. I thought they were spectacular, and, of course, I wanted one. But I think I didn’t really have anything on which I wanted to use it after the initial excitement and enrollment into it. And, over time, it became a passive piece of knowledge: Oh, yes, that is my pendulum. And the thought ended there, no longer calling up the possible practical applications of seen pendulum.

The other day, though – okay, a week ago, now – a friend of mine mentioned a method for discovering and altering our subconscious opinions of things. He relayed loads of details on research behind it and all, but I have found that the best test of such things is just to test it out. No matter what anyone else says, either it works for me or it doesn’t, and I won’t know until I do it.

So, I did it.

And I took on a rather intense idea, one that has lately been at the core and the surface of my life in many ways: I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort. There has been a lot of crying and stress for me in recent years and recent months, and each bit has been part of my becoming more myself out of all of it. But that has, of course, not been an easy task. And I have felt that I am needing to convince someone, anyway, that it is all worth the effort. All of these struggles in pursuit of my best self are worth it, right? Yes, of course.

And yet…

So, I asked the pendulum for yes and no and neutral. Then I stated, “I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort.” And, without a doubt, it gave me a resounding no.

I actually laughed. I felt relieved, really. So much internal struggle over this exact concept was not for naught. I genuinely was struggling to believe it myself (according to this practice, on a subconscious level), which, in a way, made every stride forward that much more difficult to take.

And so, following the steps of this method for transforming the subconscious opinion, I asked if it was okay and safe and acceptable to change this opinion right now: yes. And then I went to task, meditating in a certain way and being withheld and inviting in anything and everything that might come up as I repeated the statement over and over again, until I felt a shift within myself.

“When it happens, you’ll know,” he told me.

And I did.

And I discovered that it was so much more than I had ever considered. This idea wasn’t just about me and my actions and efforts – it was about everyone around me and their efforts and struggles, too. I believed somewhat that I was worth my own time and effort, but I couldn’t possibly have been worth everyone else’s… and yet…

As I worked through being with every comment and idea and issue and experience and emotion that arose in my repetitions of the statement, I ended up with two shifts. One, quickly, was around myself, and the other, after a much longer time, was about the whole world. And then, after I opened my eyes and rejoined the world around me, I asked the pendulum again.

“I am absolutely worth every bit of all of this effort,” I said with confidence and conviction I had never even considered associating with such a concept.

And it was a resounding yes from the pendulum.

From myself.

And that was really, really cool.

And slightly terrifying, when I considered how powerful this tiny activity was and would be, should I choose to use it going forward with things.

Tonight, one week later, after seeing the very clear results of that one transformation of my opinion on one idea, I sat down with my list of things about my book writing and the mental struggles I have had with getting myself actually to sit down and do it. Part of me was terrified I’d discover that I already believed them all to be true, yet still wasn’t writing. And part of me was terrified to discover that I didn’t actually have faith in myself, this the not writing. But I knew it would be only beneficial to look into it all, and unhelpful not to do so. So, I did it.

And it was amazing to see how things aligned with my actions so perfectly. I do believe that I am a great writer, despite any lack of credentials or ‘the right education background’ or whatever. I can write extremely well, when I want to do so, and I happen to be rather good at story-telling, which transitions easily into writing. That’s part of why I’ve stuck with it over the years, and I’ve kept coming back to books over and over again, despite my failures to make a book. But there were other bits that didn’t quite align with what I wanted, and instead aligned with my lack of sitting down to write those desired books. And I went to work on those, following the simple yet intense steps. In the end, my whole being felt light and excited, and every statement was a solid yes from the pendulum.

It was awesome. And slightly terrifying, too…, but in a good way, and mostly awesome. 😀

Now that those are transformed in my head, we shall see what happens in the very near future. ;). I am quite curious to find out.

Post-a-day 2020

But… those are mine – the things we do for love <3

Girls and bracelets.  Seems like a rather simple topic, right?  Just girls and bracelets.  Nothing special.  Today, however, they were both special.

It was my last day going by the school where I have been based this past year.  A student had been in touch to find out this information, and so knew that I was going to be there today in the morning.  When I arrived at my (well, it’s not my former desk, but I guess it must have still been mine, since the stuff all on it was for me) desk, I was surprised by a small and adorable (because Japan) pile of wrapped gifts.  Each one had a different note and was from someone different, both teachers and students.  They all surprised me, but the one that got me ready for tears was the one on a beautiful piece of Rapunzel Disney (C) paper, with “Love” tape to attach it to the pink bag.  It read:

Dear Hannah
Present for you.

From Nono, Yuna

These were the two main trumpet players in the band at school, the two with whom I had spent bits of time here and there, just listening to them play, chatting with them, having lunch with them, taking photos with and of them, letting them paint me (yes, they painted my arms one day), giving them fun jazz (which they had never heard!) music to play, and also playing trumpet with them.  Of course, I am going to miss these two dearly.

However, I never quite expected a present from them.  Let alone the nice little Japanese mirror, charm, and coin purse (or maybe it’s for makeup, even).  They’re designed to go with the whole yukata/kimono getup, and I had never found ones to go with mine.  So it was essentially a perfect going-away present for me!  And they had no idea.  They were just being sweet and giving me something Japanese.

So, a short time later, they show up to the teachers’ room and ask for me.  I rush over to them and shove them out of the teachers’ room in a hurry – no one else needs to be part of this little celebration-slash-goodbye ordeal that’s about to go down.

With the two are a handful of other girls from the band, too.  I thank them eagerly (Is that right?  Let me check… “eager, avid, keen, anxious, athirst mean moved by a strong and urgent desire or interest. eager implies ardor and enthusiasm and sometimes impatience at delay or restraint,” says merriam-webster.com, so I accept it as appropriate in this case.), and give hugs all around.  Some embrace the american social norm, and others delight in it hesitantly, but they all hug me with joy and enthusiasm.  I will miss these guys, runs through my head as we’re all chatting and being silly together, and I know my thought is right.  I will miss them desperately, and I know they will miss me, too.  The simple fact that my successor is not even musically inclined shows the unlikelihood of their finding a replacement-ish for me, and the fact that I am leaving Japan almost guarantees that I couldn’t even begin to find a sort of replacement for all of them.

As we are wrapping things up, so that they can go eat before they have to be back at band rehearsal (to which I had been listening earlier on in the morning, secretly), I notice yet again a comment directed at my shins-ankles-feet region.  i couldn’t hear what was said, as it wasn’t said to me.  Each time it happened, the comment was almost whispered to another girl, just quietly enough that I couldn’t quite hear.  But I could see.

I wondered if they were finally noticing how I don’t shave my legs – I kind of gave up shaving… not sure where I’m going with that in life, but it seems to be the current situation.  I am always happy to talk about almost anything with the girls, despite their often being incredibly shy about most things.  So, as I usually do, I encourage the comment to come to the open.

Finally, someone gets the nerve enough to say it aloud, and I am surprised.  It was not, as I thought, anything to do with my hairy legs (it is dirty blonde, after all, so it isn’t all too noticeable in the first place, but I imagine they’re all accustomed to mine already anyway, plus they seem to love the colors in all my various hairs (since they’re not just black, like Japanese people’s)).  What was the comment regarding?  My anklet.

“She… want… it,” was the oh-so-embarrasing phrase.  And oh, what self-searching consideration I had to make all of a sudden – I was amazed at myself at my success in the matter.

And so, as we all hug once more (or twice more) and say our goodbyes, I watch with a huge smile and a chuckle, as three of the girls bounce off wearing my anklet and two bracelets, all of which I had made for myself a couple or few years ago, and all of which I absolutely love wearing.  But, hey, as I told the girls, I made those myself, so I can get some more Mookaite and Jasper stones when I get back to Houston (I might even still have some, actually), and make myself some new versions of those same bracelets and the matching anklet.  Plus, as much as those meant to me, it pales in comparison to how much each now (and likely for the rest of their lives) means to those girls.  As they say in Japanese, one of them told me that it is her “precious treasure”.  I’m not sure they could have been more grateful, even if I had made the bracelets for them specifically.

I still kind of can’t believe those girls got my bracelets and anklet off of me.  But I also love how wonderful it felt to give away a part of myself to those who so greatly longed for a bit of it.  It was more than just giving away something I had with me, because it was 1)something I valued and 2)something I made myself, for myself.  It really was giving away a part of me.  It kind of feels like I’ll be able to take care of them forever, in some small way.  I like that.

Anyway, that was about ten minutes of today.  A really, really good ten minutes.  ðŸ™‚


 

Post-a-day 2017