Is this slight pain in my tooth a cavity?
God, forbid it, please, and heal my mouth, please.
I take such good care of my teeth and my oral health. Even the dental workers are surprised with how good of a job I do.
It could just be exposed too far down the tooth, and so it is sensitive. I do floss somewhat often…
Oh, God, please, let it just be that. Please. Heal us all. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Has anyone noticed that so many nice people tend to be the people at whom so much of our culture currently seems to be mad? In my experience, the youth who hold the doors open and say, “Yes, Ma’am,” “No, Ma’am,” “Yes, Sir,” “No, Sir,” are the stereotypically declared ‘dumb country rednecks’. And their ‘dumb country redneck’ parents tend to behave the same. They are actually usually very kind and respectful. And they seem to be some of the only ones these days.
It is starting to make me wonder if most of the stereotyping-based hate and noise around them all might truly just be tied to a very small percentage of the population’s actual actions, and be drastically blown out of proportion, quite possibly by people who aren’t willing to step up for themselves and let go of being victimized and making themselves victims to life.
I was a victim of abuse, but I didn’t victimize myself for it. I didn’t make it such that life happened to me and ‘poor me,’ I need everyone to stand up for me now and hate that man and get him back. I didn’t make a big fuss or demand that the horrid actions be addressed by reparations. He owes me nothing. I repeat: He owes me nothing.
Sure, I have trouble forgiving and letting go at times, and I have very angry and aching feelings at times. But that doesn’t mean I bash the man or bring it to the media. How does that make the world better? How does that help me to heal and let go and move forward in life, rather than fixate on the past abuse and keep bring it up again and again? I can’t find a single way it doesn’t harm my progress instead of help it.
Instead, I pray for healing and ask for God’s help. I share what I need to share with those who want to help me to heal. I pray to release my ill will toward that man. I help create safe spaces for others where I had once found none. I help others to be heard and to heal. I help to make a positive difference in the lives of others. I use my terrible experience as a means of making the world better. In short, I love.
And, when I want to hate instead, I remember that his horrible actions come from his own life of hurt, whether he is aware of it or not. And I pray not to hold that against him. I don’t want him in my life, but I don’t have to make his life end – figuratively or literally – in order for me to live mine. The two are separate ideas entirely, independent of one another. They truly are…
I just can’t help but wonder if, instead of throwing out so much anger and hate to people – especially to people we do not know directly but whom we stereotype based on specific interactions with disproportionately select individuals among the group – if we looked for how to solve problems with love, the world would be so much brighter and genuinely better. Like what I said about my fear of guns – if we got to know one another better, it might be a completely different story altogether. The biggest part of the fear – and, thereby, anger and outrage – is the unknown behind that face or culture or lifestyle or way of thinking or way of dressing or way of eating… If we used love as our foundation, perhaps we might find a lot more common ground than anyone ever thought possible… And perhaps the problems would be fewer and fewer and be handled much more easily in the moment through love and communication…
Just some thoughts on my mind tonight.
Post-a-day 2023
Okay, to clarify, as I realized I might never have done so:
I am working on my comfort around and with guns. Why? Because I noticed how utterly uncomfortable and incapable I was with them. Let me explain.
***Note: If you don’t want spoilers for Fifty Shades of Grey, don’t read the following.***
When I read the Fifty Shades of Grey books – yes, I read them eventually, and as audiobooks… not sure I could have continued reading if I’d been reading them as text! – I eventually got to the part where Anna opens Christian’s desk drawer and finds a gun sitting there. Her immediate reaction is that she proceeds to pick up the gun, she checks if it’s loaded, and then she sets it back down in the drawer. At no point does she express any nerves or unease at doing any of this. Her only thoughts are of why he might have the gun in the first place, as it surprised her to find one in his desk drawer.
Initially, I was panicking. I felt like some accident would ensue from her unintentionally mishandling the firearm. But then I remembered that her stepdad, who helped raise her, was a military man who had taught her everything he knew how to do. So, she likely had grown up knowing guns very well and using them comfortably and with ease. She wasn’t being unsafe by picking up this handgun. She was actually been even safer than Christian had likely been with the gun, as she truly knew what she was doing with it and how to handle it safely.
I was awed. When I thought about it, I was certain that I could not have done what she had done – check if it was loaded – even though that was about as simple as it gets with firearms. If I ever were to come across a gun or, God forbid, please, have to fight one away from an attacker, I wouldn’t even know how to pick it up and know that it wouldn’t fire as soon as I touched it. I knew not to touch the trigger itself, but that’s about all I knew. I couldn’t even turn a weapon in to the police if I crossed one. So, how would I make sure no one else came across it on accident, if I didn’t even know how to pick it up and unload it? And, God forbid, if someone were to attack and have a gun, if the gun got loose, how I could pick it up safely and keep it away from the perpetrator, let alone use it for defense, if needed?
What’s more, later in the book, she actually carries the gun with her, fully concealed, and then saves her own life by using it at the right time as she is being attacked by a man who means, likely, to kill her.
My mind was doubly blown by that part, especially considering we the readers don’t even know she has it until she draws it… I think, anyway… Nonetheless, this again brought up that I wouldn’t even know how to go about any single part of that whole scenario, let alone the whole thing. In addition to everything else about it, I just kept wondering how on Earth she knew she wouldn’t accidentally get shot with the gun in her waistband…
This determined for me that I knew too little about firearms and weapons handling.
And, for whatever reason, this weighed heavily on me for years after reading the book. Eventually, I knew I had to do something about it, and somewhat soon.
Last year, I had the opportunity for someone, in the comfort of a home, to show me how to take apart a semi-automatic handgun – think of the most typical black handgun you can imagine, and that’s what that means – and to guide me to do it all myself and put it all back together myself, including unloading and loading each bullet into the magazine.
Once I finished it all, I set the weapon down on the counter and declared I was finished for the day. The weapon was put away directly, and we raked some more about what all we had just done and discussed. It was absolutely terrifying for me, but extremely informative and good for me to do. Talk about having courage… courage was what got me through it all, along with the grace of God. This was important to me to learn – truly learning and getting to know something removes a great deal of fear from it, as history has shown us often, especially with peoples*.
I went through a similar thing with makeup. Once I learned how to do all the fancy stuff – and I do mean all of it – and I was comfortable with it all, I no longer was afraid of wearing make-up. Sure, I actually wear make-up even less now than before all of that, but I have no anxiety around make-up anymore. And I truly only wear it when I want to wear it. And I can pick it up on the fly and do it easily, every time. Basically, that’s how I want to be with guns. I’m not trying to become a competitive shooter and gun-hoarder for any zombie apocalypse or anything. I just want to be able, should the need ever arise, to handle and, if needed, use a firearm both safely and effectively.
Thus my reasons for working on my relationship with guns. I highly encourage everyone to lean into those intense fears that could change your life for the better, let alone possibly save it one day. I believe that, when we learn about what we fear, we have the potential to transform for the better the world that we face every day.
*Yes, I mean that plural use exactly as I wrote it.
It really makes all the difference having a family member help tidy the house with you, and not having to clean up everyone’s stuff on your own… even if that family member is rather pissed off about having to do it. 😛
Post-a-day 2023
Well, we went to the range today. It was only my second time going to an indoor gun range, but I believe I was much better prepared this time than last time. I had eye and ear protection that fit well (and didn’t hurt), for one thing. For another, I was mentally prepared for all the reverberations and all the physical shakes I’d get from other firearms being fired throughout the room/range. (You know, I feel like carpeted walls and floors and ceilings would go a long way for indoor ranges not being so loud and miserable… they’re only concrete right now, anyway, so I don’t see the carpeting hurting in any way…)
Now, I got to shoot two different revolvers and a 9mm, each for the first time today. The first revolver was a .22 caliber. The grip was a bit large for me, but I was able to shoot it okay, nonetheless. Starting with that one helped me significantly not to break down into ugly tears*. Then, after getting my man’s input on the kick of the .38 Special as compared to the .22 and the 9mm – double the .22, but much less than the 9mm – I reloaded the single round, aimed, breathed a bit, exhaled, and fired. And it was not anywhere near as frightening as I had been expecting. It felt doable, frankly. I put a full round in, then, and went through them all, and at a reasonable speed. And I nailed the target with all of them.
After that, I tested it at different distances from the target – I was pleasantly surprised to find that I had wonderful accuracy with this gun. Both its sights and its weight and lack of massive kick helped me in my accuracy, I know. After a few rounds, I knew we were running out of time, so I switched back to the .22 revolver to have a little more experience with the ‘little’ guy.
Then, in our last few minutes, I went back to my man’s lane to try the 9mm. 9mm had, so far, made me cry every time I start shooting one. I don’t necessarily cry the whole time – only with certain ones, it seems – but I cry after the first shot, at least, and for an unclear amount of time. So, he tried to get me to fire the .45 first. I watched him fire a round from it, and then firmly declined – that was the one that had hurt with a wall between it and me(!). I had him show me the 9mm, then, and determined I could give it a go. I only wanted a single bullet in the magazine/gun – mental safety right there – which he set up for me. I picked up the gun, aimed, exhaled, fi… and pulled the really light trigger a long way… and got stressed and released it…
I’m sorry – what?? I guess it had a really long pull. Try again.
So, I did. This time, I found the hard spot in the trigger action, paused, inhaled and then exhaled once more, and pulled that last bit.
And it wasn’t as bad as I had been expecting.
I immediately asked for five bullets, please. We were short on time, and I wanted to have the practice, so let’s do it. But let’s not overdo it or anything. Five is a good big number for me right now. Haha
I fired the five comfortably, especially after having discussed the trigger with my man, and felt a sense of relief. It was a bit of a wow: a 9mm that didn’t make me ball. And it was still a black pistol. That’s kind of a big deal.
After that, I packed up shop and got out of dodge (meaning the range room). It had been a good and successful time for me, and I wanted to end it all on a high note(!). (Our time was also basically up, and my man had to leave for a meeting, so I wasn’t just being dramatic or anything. It actually was time to go.)
I am both glad and grateful for our time at the range today. Yes, there were still people going at it with something loud down the way, upping my heart rate every time they decided to shoot – think a whole bunch of loud booms, one right after the other. And yes, my man’s firing of the .45 scared me every time he fired it. But I worked on accepting the noise and the shaking in my body from those Boom!s, and continuing my own steps, anyway. And it went really well. And firing the firearms I intended to test out went really well, too. And my aim was good with them all! It was a really good time at the range today. I genuinely wanted to keep reloading the revolvers, because – get this – it was fun! (Shocked me, too, I know, but it really was fun.) For the first time, I understood why people might want to compete in shooting competitions. Not that I intend to do that – my eyesight likely isn’t good enough, in the first place – but you never know. I can be quite competitive, and competition helps me strive and work to do better at something…
Anyway, I’m really glad we went, just the two of us, and that it wasn’t very busy at all. I don’t expect it always to be that way, but it was just what I needed for today. Baby steps, right? Today had several of them accomplished, that’s for sure.
Thank you, God, and thank you, my man, for such great support and such a great time today.
Thank you, God. Keep us always safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
*Okay, I did break down slightly, though. When we first arrived, my man told me he was going to fire the .22. Uh, okay… thanks for the warning… on a gun that barely will go boom at all… I was grateful he was watching out for me, right? So, then, after he fires it, I fire it, and then I go back to my own lane to see if I can get myself to fire the .38 Special revolver that is there. Just as I’ve loaded a single bullet into the cylinder and aimed, I am accosted by a sudden series of loud and repetitive Boom!s in quick succession that shake my insides and make my ears cringe. I set down the .38 Special, and step away from it, my eyes beginning to water.
As silly as it may sound, that was shocking and scary for me. It was sudden and very loud and very shaking for my actual body. Why was it so rough? Because it was a .45 shooting right next to me(!). Who shot it? My man.
Really, man?? You’re going to warn me for the .22, but not for the really big and loud .45 with a ton of rounds in it????!!! Massive eye roll, I’m telling you. I told him, too, of course, and we both laughed about the idiocy of it all. Baby steps. Haha. I didn’t end up crying full out; I just had tears prick my eyes, then go away. But that was how it happened today. Massive improvement from the constant ugly crying of the last two times I went to a range and shot guns. 😛
Post-a-day 2023
I think it is time to start my days when I truly went to start them: before the sun fully rises. It has been long enough of not doing what I know I am here to do, including the little things.
God, guide us both, please, as we begin to pursue this goal. Thank you for this life and the opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
We went to an early dinner at the house of a friend of my man. The friend and his wife have two four-and-a-half-year-old boys – today is their half birthday – and a younger daughter, as well as a baby girl. Being at their house was loud, exacerbated by the open-plan two-story home, as well as the wooden floors and almost-no carpets or sound-muffling surfaces. It isn’t something I could or would handle every day, but I did enjoy being with all of them. The kids likely were extra wirey due to the rainy weather that’s kept them indoors all day today. We, on the other hand, we’re more drowsy for the weather, which was interesting to note for me.
However, the whole experience at their house was that of being in a space of managed chaos. They didn’t have control over the chaos, not directly. But they were able to redirect and manage parts of it all that affected the whole experience. There were ups and downs in the sound levels and the degrees of outright mania. And I enjoyed that. If it had been constant and consistent chaos, it would have been too much for me. But their management of it made all the difference. I truly enjoyed being with them all, and I look forward to spending more time with them, both in the house and out and about.
Thank you for these wonderful blessings, my Lord and my God. Heal us all. Help us to say what needs to be said in a way that it needs to be heard, always. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Today, I got to experience flying in a small airplane on a hot and clear day – loads of, basically, constant turbulence; high crosswinds with crazy-high gusts that made landing quite difficult and had several planes look insane as they were landing (successfully); an unidentified malfunction of the flaps – those help you slow down when landing, as I understand it – that prevented us from landing with those gusts, multiple times; the discovery that that malfunction was related to power… as all the plane’s electrical power eventually disappeared while in the air – remember that the engine still is running, just nothing else works, including the com system; navigating with no modern electrical airplane tools; and landing at a towered airport without radioing the tower, and, instead, by telephoning someone on the ground to let the tower know we have no power, and getting the all-clear from the tower through that person.
We never actually got to stop at the fly-in event we were going in the first place to attend, but we got to where we apparently needed to be today. Talk about a nutso flight… we certainly had it today! But I am extremely proud of my man and grateful for his passion and dedication to learning and practicing what he needed to learn and practice in order to handle it all safely and efficiently today. I mean, sure, I was definitely crying… a lot…, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t handling each situation well. That just meant I was terrified, which is really nothing new for me with flying.
(I know, it’s hard to believe, given all of my experience flying all over the world, but I genuinely am nervous and at least a little stressed every time I am preparing to travel by and am traveling by airplane. Walking off that plane and onto solid ground always gives me such immense relief. Seriously.)
Anyway, I prayed a lot today. I was definitely stressed as things were happening, but God and Mary and Jesus and Jude and Joseph of Copertino all came through and kept us safe and, eventually, gave us a safe landing… and on a real runway. (I kid you not, we never said it aloud, but we were both thinking that we were likely about to be emergency landing in one of the many fields we were passing.)
Thank you, God and Jesus and Mary and Jude and Joseph (of Copertino – grazie!), for keeping us safe and bringing us home, safe. Thank you for this training for the both of us. Please, help me to find a call around my man’s flying. And, please, help him always to have safe travels and departures and arrivals, especially for work. In Jesus’s name, I pray. Thank you. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Dear God, we ask, through your love that you have granted to us, that this paperwork be handled and approved and granted to us with supernatural speed. As C— prayed, give all those involved in the process and on whom others must wait an inexplicable need to complete their portion effectively and with haste – wake them up in the middle of the night to go complete their portions. Help them experience an urgency with this process for us, that we may pursue fully and live the life you have so graciously offered to us. We wait with patience, yet anticipation for the beauty we will be able to create, especially once this paperwork is granted in our hoped-for direction. If it be your will, please, complete all necessary steps of this process, and grant us the declaration we long to receive. In your name, we pray. Amen.
P.S. Please, heal us all. We’ve got some sick bodies right now, even with our friends. Heal us all, please, all in need of healing. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
It seems my cold has changed it’s mind, or else I have yet another one now. 
I was almost entirely healed. Now I have yellow stuff in my nasal cavity that I coughed up this morning – fortunately only a small little bit – and a sore through and somewhat stuffy nose that made me sneeze throughout the day and blow it often. What’s more, I have a sore spot under my left arm, in my underarm area. Nothing seems to be visible, but, boy, is it sore to the touch. It feels like a bruise. I’m not sure it isn’t a bruise. But can’t see anything colorful on the surface, so it isn’t looking like a bruise (literally). Might be a slightly swollen lymph node. Might be something else. I’m hoping sleep and water and care will heal it.
And my man is quite sick with his burning throat and constant coughing and nose-blowing. Poor guy despises blowing his nose, and now has to do it, or he’d be covered in icky dripping snot… eew. Anyway…
If you dare, please, pray for my healing, and for his.
Dear God, please, heal my body and heal all those in need of healing, in all the ways they most need it, please. Help us all to sleep well at night, always. In your name, I pray. Amen.
St. Jude, pray for us, please.
Post-a-day 2023
hannah ananas 