Talk about confidence

Why do I end up in many scenarios where I feel so unnoticed that I feel I do not belong, so in the background that I feel unloved, unworthy, unwanted?

I think a big part of it is that I purposely hold myself back. If I stay neutral, in the background, people will have the time to grow accustomed to my presences, however meager it may be, before they have a chance to know me for who I actually am. Thereby decreasing the likelihood of rejection when they face me, the unlike-anyone-I’ve-ever-known powerhouse of a person. A person we never would expect to find hiding uncomfortably in the background. Yet, there I cower oh, so often.

It’s like how I cowered at my gym, feeling I didn’t really belong, because I wasn’t monetarily wealthy or super fit or super strong. Yet, one night, I attended the class of people who weren’t exactly in those categories (bough most of the gym was in one or both), and I saw how I was just…, well, myself. I was talking freely and comfortably, and we were all smiling and laughing and having a really great casual time together… like we all belonged and we all wanted everyone there to be there, exactly as they were. At the time, noticing this helped me learn to talk to ‘the cool guys’ more comfortably and confidently, including the guy on whom I had an undeniable an unrealistic crush. It helped me to remember to treat them like people, not unreachable people. And then the world closed up business shop, and I haven’t seen any of them since. And the gym is now closed permanently, and I’m not sure I’ll ever see them all again, and definitely not all together again.

Now, I find myself looking deeper into that whole experience. It wasn’t that I had a crush on the one guy, nor that I felt I wasn’t supposed to talk o them because I wasn’t strong enough or rich enough. It was because I saw them in a position of power over me, and I saw myself as below and indebted to them. I could not talk truly with them, because it would have been interesting the master’s business, and I would have been possibly beaten and then dismissed from my post. Talk about ridiculous, right? But that’s how it was for me. That’s how it is for me in so many situations in life.

Here, I will help someone and genuinely expect nothing more than some expression of gratitude in return, yet I expect that, in order for anyone to help me, I would have to be indebted to that person for all time, always below a new master, to serve his every whim and demand. In jobs, I submit to the people in charge the same way, like I am an unworthy worm (thinking Hercules quote here) that they might crush at any moment if I do not do exactly as they wish – if they find out who I truly am.

But who am I truly?

I am a child and beautiful creation of God, who loves dearly and with all her being; who wants to do the best job possible, because she cares truly about the results and outcome of her labors; who wants to make the world a better place with every step she takes; who sacrifices with ease, when another is to benefit; who can get any job done, and done quite well; who is honest; who is an inspiration to almost anyone who really gets to know her for real; who blows me away so much that I struggle to believe I really am she, being this amazing and wonderful and awe-inspiring, especially in the midst of each of my life’s struggles… I am a person worth having around, no matter who you are or what you believe. I can make it happen, whatever it is.

And, somehow, I force myself to forget that, and to put myself beneath others, as though I am not even worth a second glance, let alone love and praise and friendship and reliance.

Okay

I am working on this now. I am worth so much more Han hiding in the background, even if I am at the mercy of someone’s whims as to whether I get or keep a job. I can always find another – I know that now. And the universe will help me, if I am being my true self. And it will send me to better and better places every step of the way forward…, because those are the places I belong, where I get to be myself. And nowhere else.

Perhaps that is why I have felt so out of place so often… perhaps I am out of place, and something better awaits my noticing.

Post-a-day 2020

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