Today has been my birthday. Thank you, God. For once in less than a blue moon, my birthday is not the last day of the month this year. Happy leap year, y’all!
Thank you, God. Keep my husband and me and our family safe, please. Help us all to heal through and with you. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Day one of rodeo is completed. And I am exhausted. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will go by the rodeo because I told folks I would go by and because I have some printouts I said I would do and bring. I might even attempt the pull-up challenge with the Marines if they are still out there, though I’ve been doing a terrible job with pull-ups and general strength lately. But, after that brief stop, I think I will head back out and go to dinner with my family. Have a nice dinner with good, loving company, and then go to bed early and happy…. yes, that sounds great. 😀
Thank you, God, for this life and its many gifts. Keep my husband and me safe, please, and help us always to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I was already doing the daily readings each morning and the rosary each night. Now, for Lent, because of a specific 40-day prayer challenge offered, and then a specifically relevant one offered, as well as one that includes a priest I know personally, I have between 25 and 50 minutes of extra prayer and intentional meditation each day. It’s a lot, but I have enjoyed it so far. In a way, it keeps me focused. And I like that it is giving me all different ideas thrown to me each day, from different directions. It is keeping me rounded in my thinking and exposing me to more good in the world than I had known previously, which is always a wonderful thing.
So, thank you, God, for the Hallow application and for this prayer opportunity that is actually more than forty days, even though it’s called a 40-day challenge. Thank you, also, for that silly irony. Keep us safe, please, my man (this is my husband) and our children (once they begin), especially, please. Help my mom to breathe easily and comfortably. Help to heal my dad’s daily pains by his turning closer to you. Thank you for this life. And thank you for my husband. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Today, there was much setting up done on the rodeo grounds here in Houston. I was volunteering for one of my committees. There were many times I could have left, but I stayed and worked more. I had hopes of getting something specific accomplished before leaving, but that didn’t happen. As I said to my husband on my way out, the true point of my being there was to be of service, and I was very much of service – I accomplished and helped loads. Though I was a bit sad and disappointed not to have achieved this one particular thing, and so have a tendency to be sad and disappointed about the whole day, I notice that I was actually very fulfilled every time I got to accomplish something for someone else. That is, I felt fulfillment in being of service.
Perhaps this is a big guide for me in life. In all that I do, I find true joy in making a difference for others.
Then again, there is also the thought that the reason I want to be of service is so that I become invaluable and thereby worthy of being loved.
However…
I once functioned that way. If I wasn’t being of service, I became somewhat stressed and panicked. I had to be of service. Because that was my unconscious way of guaranteeing love for myself. Once I saw that, though, I was able to do something about it.
When I am not of service now, I am not panicked. I do want to be of service. But I want to be of service. It is not longer a sort of necessity or obligation for me. It is something I can want freely, and do. And, when I am of service now, I find joy in sharing love. When I walk away from it, I am not crushed it is over or wonder if it was enough and if something will come along soon enough next… I just get to be happy about the service I gave.
So, that’s cool. I’m not sure I had really thought about that in recent years. And I may not have explained it well here, but the difference is massive to me, transformational, from back then to now. I love to serve, and I get to serve freely now. And I do it. And I love it. And I’m grateful for that.
I’m still bugged I didn’t handle what I had hoped to get done today (even though I did accomplish something very useful for myself and for many on my other rodeo team, which wasn’t expected for today), but I guess that’s okay. I didn’t speak up about what I wanted – I was embarrassed and opted not to ask. Okay, got it. Space for improvement next time. But I kept my integrity, which is more important to me than getting stopped by embarrassment on something that isn’t critical on any level. I’ve been working on speaking up, though, so I am still frustrated with myself. And it’s okay to be frustrated with myself. It’s part of my process of growing. I had a breakdown. Therefore, I now can have a breakthrough.
Work on the courage, babe. And, also, acknowledge when it feels greedy, and get clear on everything. Perhaps you need only share your concern of its being greedy to ask, and that will communicate clearly that you understand if the answer is no to the request. That’s okay. And it’s okay that you failed at this today. I’m still proud of you for keeping your integrity and for letting go of control many times today, especially considering that it often meant things being done less efficiently. Some people can only give certain service. Sometimes, being of service means letting people do things an inefficient way, so that they can contribute, too.
Thank you, God, for today. Thank you for the lessons of today. Thank you for my husband. I love him and am grateful for him constantly. Keeps us safe, please, and help us always to be our best selves through you, pursuing and fulfilling your will in our lives. Thank you. I love you, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I love being married. And I love specifically being married to my husband.
It’s just a wonderful thing to be able finally to live a part of life we have longed to live, to be husband and wife, together in all ways, and blessed by God.
Thank you, God. Keep us safe, please, and help us always to pursue and fulfill your will as we work to be our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
It can be very hard to stand one’s ground when kids get sad and start to beg and be pathetic in their sadness at their mistakes… and that is when it is so important to help them to learn truly, to acknowledge how their behavior has failed them and that it must change if they are to succeed, not the criteria for success.
God, give me the courage, please, to hold the ground I need to hold in order to make the best difference for these students and for the world. Thank you for this life. Please, keep my husband and me safe and in your love together. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
I spoke with the dean today and got support on how to proceed with the kid who has been cheating throughout the year. His guidance was helpful by scores. It also helped to know that, should the conversation not go well, we had a clear plan of proving the cheating and then, if it continued, withholding the grade for the class as a whole, since the student hadn’t actually earned one by doing her own work.
When I spoke to the student after school, the conversation seemed to go really well for what it was. She admitted her lack of academic integrity, and helped me understand what was behind it all, where specifically and why she struggled in class. We talked through the class guidelines and agreements – to which she had agreed at the start of the year – and discussed how she could start following them again and how I and others could support her in doing that.
I had been very worried before the conversation. I didn’t know how to approach it without being pissed at her for doing this all year and for making me have to change all sorts of things just to be able to keep her from cheating, when it would have been better for everyone else another way. Because I was pissed at her.
I was also crushed that I had been such a bad teacher not to have addressed it at the start directly and looked to see how to help her start to participate and actually learn (instead of cheat) way back then.
And I think it was that idea that helped me get to the right place.
The whole reason we want them not to cheat is because they cheat themselves out of an education that way. She lost all this time for learning, because she cheated instead. And I was too afraid of making an enemy of her to call her out on it sooner. (To be fair, there were other bad behaviors from her and her group that took up a lot of my energy for class every time, so this was a minor concern over all of that stuff each day.)
Nonetheless, when I went to talk to her, I almost couldn’t speak. Then I just looked right at her, and I got it. She knew and I knew she had been cheating, and neither of us wanted this confrontation. In that moment, I was clear that I cared about her and was worried for her own fears and concerns. And I shared that with her.
I told her that I wanted to talk with her about her academic integrity in the class. I told her what I had been seeing, including specific dead-giveaways of her cheating at times. I didn’t give all the details, because I saw I didn’t need to give them. I told her I wanted to know what was going on for her in class that she was struggling so much – what specifically was so hard for her, because I want to work with her on that. I said other things that were God-givenly well said, though I don’t recall them now.
And she admitted that she was really having a lot of trouble in class. We talked about how she had done the year before, where she had excelled versus struggled, and why the transition to this class kind of hit her like a tank. I made it clear that she needs to follow the guidelines and requirements in class, specifically the number one rule of understanding every word, every time. It is their duty to stop me, to ask me to speak slower, to repeat, to give the meanings of unknown words… and it is my promise that I will do as they ask every single time. And I do. Her class, of course, is the worst at following this rule, which hasn’t helped her have the courage to speak up at all. And, of course, she is very shy, which only makes it harder for her to speak up and thereby admit she didn’t understand something that it seems like everyone else understood. I told her to have friends ask for her sometimes, if she gets especially nervous or feels like it’s too much in a single class. I told her the special secret that not everyone else does know what I’ve said half the time. She isn’t alone in her lack of understanding, and I’ll be having conversations with others on that topic, too.
I also told her that I want to help her and I want her to succeed. I will work with her both during class and outside of class, whatever support or explanation she may need. We are having this conversation because I care about her success.
And, though she looked very much by the end like she was hitting her limit and needed to leave quickly and cry her eyes out, it felt like there is a real chance she got it and understands that I actually do care. If I didn’t, I would have turned her into the dean directly – I had clear proof of her cheating long ago, and still had that proof to hand over at any second. Not something a student would want senior year, to be sure. But I didn’t turn that in to anyone. And she knows that. I just so hope that she will take seriously what we discussed and that I want her to succeed. I was very proud of her, especially because of how I know she has been struggling, when she recited her quiz thing almost perfectly after class today (it was to make up for a day she had been absent). I was genuinely delighted for her success. And maybe that played into finding the right words, too. Maybe that was how I truly was able to get present to my care for her.
Whatever the case, I am grateful I found the emotions and the words. I hope she got them fully and takes them to heart. I would love to see her succeed in this class the rest of the year. I also hope she doesn’t hate me, because it really does suck when a teenage girl hates you – trust me, I know – but that comes second to her success in class. Because my ultimate goal is to offer growth to the students. So, here’s to her newly impending growth in class! Cheers!
Thank you, God. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Sure enough, I didn’t sleep well last night. First half of the night seemed fine. But the second half was filled with either coughing or an inability to find physical comfort in my comfortable bed. I went to school today exhausted.
And I was kind of on edge all day. I took a nap for close to 15 minutes between classes this morning, but had to be on and going the whole rest of the day. I had wanted to do a quick workout right after school, but I was beyond myself. I just wanted to go home and shower and sleep. And, possibly, cry, too.
I had to deal with a lot of kids being upset that they got grades they had earned, mostly due to late submissions and not following instructions. I hate having to be so harsh with them, especially when they aren’t prepared emotionally for it. One kid is clearly an A student. His partner for a project is older and more of an A/B student who understands his own weaknesses. The older student messed up and turned in something wrong. The younger student didn’t confirm with the older that all was submitted correctly. They both lost points for it. The older student made a request that would get them some points back, understanding that he had messed up and the grade was a necessary result of that. The younger student was incapable of taking responsibility for his own role in the poor grade. (We’ll ignore the fact that the thing submitted was their first draft that I had forced them to change, because they would have done terribly as a whole with it only that way. If I’d said nothing in the first place, they wouldn’t have had a better version, and they both would be sad about the grade with equal fault feelings.) He just couldn’t be with the offering of the poor grade that had already been improved from the original poor grade. And I say “poor grade,” meaning it would go from a 60% to roughly an 80% (with the requests and concessions the older student had made). 80% wasn’t good enough for the younger student… but he didn’t do any of it right in the first place, and he didn’t play his part in making sure the fully updated version got submitted properly.
Frankly, the more I think on this, the more I feel he needs to deal with the mistake he made, to take responsibility as his partner did, and to accept the generous offer not only of my telling them to fix it before I graded it but of my offering to accept the fully updated one as a late grade. I don’t want to be mean, though. I do want them both to learn – that is the true point. I also know that this will not crush the grade for either of them in the class. It’s a minor project, and we grade rolling for the semester. So, it’ll count as almost nothing by the end of the semester. (Perhaps he is mostly worried about the quarter grade and making the A list, though… hmm…)
Anyway, I told them the grade they would have received on the updated project – I had offered to average the two grades, too, but he wouldn’t accept that either – and I told them to think on it and get back to me with their request/s. Officially, my job was done – I had graded what was submitted. If they want something different from that, it is on them to make the request. That’s fair, yes?
Fingers crossed that they come up with a just solution. I want them to learn and to grow from this, not be jerks forever afterward to each other or to me.
God, help me to see clearly how best to make a positive difference in my work each day. Thank you for my job and for my husband. Please, keep my husband always safe. In your name, I pray in gratitude. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
Well, I done gone and got a good night’s sleep last night – almost twelve hours – after the terrible sleep over the weekend. But here I am tonight, going to be later than planned, and having to get up much earlier than I need for sleep. So, I won’t be getting up early to exercise before school tomorrow, since everything got pushed back so late tonight by my husband. But I will make an effort to get to bed early tomorrow night instead, since I have no contingencies on others for tomorrow evening. And, depending on how I’m feeling by the end of the day tomorrow, I might see about getting in a short workout after the end of the school day (I’m either teaching or subbing all day tomorrow, you see.).
It’s hard sometimes not to stress about needing to exercise. But I am making a real effort not to be mean, nasty, or stress-y with myself around figuring out a workout routine. I have the workouts themselves. Just need to find when to do them. Every time I find a time, something changes, and that routine can’t last anymore. Ideally, I get back to morning workouts. But I must sleep well and earlier in order for that to work well.
Nonetheless, tomorrow will be a day of accomplishing lots of work stuff. If I’m up early and rested, I can get up and go exercise, anyway, possibly even take a short nap before school starts, if needed. If I’m not, I’ll get up at the regular needed time and go to school for the day, still glad to be alive and well and to have a wonderful job, though it doesn’t truly pay fairly. I will be in a good mood either way, as I will trust that God has guided me in having it go that way for the day.
Thank you for life, God. Help us to sleep well tonight and each night, that we be able to be our best selves each day, pursuing and fulfilling your will in our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
P.S. We’ve been married a month now! Yippee!! And I love him and am still grateful newly every day, that he is my husband and that I am his wife. Thank you, God. Amen!
Having the adventure in Galveston was lovely, and I am grateful for the wonderful weather we ended up being able to enjoy yesterday and today together and with the dog. I love our little family we have right now, and it was wonderful doing something different from usual together. One family said they thought the dog was a lamb, because of the way she trotted (and that she was wearing a white Christmas sweater, though they didn’t mention that part). That was hilarious.
Nonetheless, we had horrible sleep in a terrible bed under a ceiling that made monstrous noises every time the folks upstairs walked (which was every half hour to hour from 10:30pm to 7:30am, unfortunately). I didn’t sleep almost at all the first night. Other guests were gone last night, so we merely had the horrible bed and pillows with which to contend, give us a significantly better horrible night’s sleep.
I am grateful for the trip we took together.
And I am grateful to be home from it.
Thank you, God, for the pleasantness of this weekend, and thank you for our wonderful home. Help us both to honor and respect it better going forward than we have in the past. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2024
hannah ananas 