hannah.ananas

God’s plans

A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates one’s kakizome, “first writing”, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is one’s goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (that’s when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This year’s… well, we’ll get to that.

Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand God’s plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.

Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway… it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans… When the labyrinth of God’s love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path… faith gets tested, to be sure.

And that is, basically, my every day right now… and that kind of really sucks…

What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is “faith in God”, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – ‘Jesus, I trust in you.’ Like that.

So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ‘nother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully… there is not much this year where I haven’t given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go still…

I’m genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.

Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.

Saint Jude, pray for us.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Goals and problems

Today, I started out the day with a few specific goals, mostly of watching all these videos I had lined up from this really great learning resource. That partly happened.

What happened unexpectedly was a tough conversation that ended in a massive stalemate. I won’t stop loving the person, of course, but the disregard for health and well-being is very difficult for me to accept. I want that person to be here for a long time and to be fully healthy and well for all of that time, for as long as possible. I also want to spend time together with this person, and a lot. Yet the subject of our disagreement necessarily takes away the chance of most of those desires. And it just really hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it.

God, please, give me clear guidance here. Please, help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

But is it real?!?!

I was planning to shop for work clothes and that leather bag today at Walmart and at resale shops. However, my menstruation that began this morning kind of started hitting me hard by about midday – that, ‘It feels like diarrhea, but in the wrong place,’ feeling in the lower front part of my belly (aka my whole uterus area). So, I just got the Velcro I needed at Walmart, glanced quickly at the clothes and declined them, then went to three resale shops. I was quick in each, not even five minutes in any one of them. I got in, looked through all their bags, and got out. Well, I was probably in the first one a little over five minutes, because I had to wait in line to buy this great small leather purse that I likely will be using for a project in the future. It was two dollars efficiently spent, I tell you.

Then, there was nothing at the second store I liked much, so I was there only about two minutes, going through all their purses and handbags. It was easy not being in a mood to try on clothes. I knew I could do that another time with comparable ease. Today was focused on the Velcro and the bag search.

At the third resale shop, though, right as I entered, I glimpsed a bag behind a counter. A man asked if I needed help, and, though I hadn’t fully determined that I wanted to see the bag up close, I went ahead and asked to see it. After some quick research online, I agreed to buy the bag. I walked the store quickly, just to make sure I wasn’t missing some gem somewhere, and then purchased the leather bag.

I called my man to tell him I was headed home and that I’d found a bag. And, not only is it a good quality, real leather piece that I like, nor was it merely $35 plus tax, but it was also ‘a stinking name brand purse.’.

His immediate response was, “Is it real? Are you sure it’s not a fake?”

“No, I’m not sure! But now I want to know!”

It hadn’t even occurred to me that it might be a fake, because, well, I DIDN’T CARE. I cared about the quality and the leather, and those two things had checked the boxes. The name on it was more funny to me than anything else. But, now that he had mentioned the idea, I suddenly absolutely wanted to know if it was real or a fake. Mind you, I was and am still fully aware of the fact that it does not matter if the bag is a fake or not – we both agree it was a good purchase, whatever the case. I just really want to know, now that he’s brought up the idea.

And that almost feels stupider than caring about it for the sake of purchasing a crazy expensive purse just for the name. But, anyway, I still want to know now.

I looked up one article immediately and started comparing. Coincidentally, it passed the main tests – quality stitching, matching threads, quality and heavy-duty metal parts, quality and matching bordering leather. However, there is one test it fails: the tag. It doesn’t have a fabric tag inside it anymore. However, from what a quick search showed me, the bag is from the ‘90s. From the inside of the bag, this thing was not treated kindly by its last owner… at all. I crossed bags online with that little fabric tag partly or almost fully shredded. It would not surprise me if such a thing happened to such a tag in this bag. However, I will check tomorrow if there seems to be a seen in the right spot for that missing tag. In addition to that, the long strap on it has different thread. So, there’s a definite chance that the strap did not originally come with the bag. And the strap may be fake or may be from just another D&B bag altogether, and it merely got switched or stolen one day (mean that as you like it).

So, I’ll do some more online research tomorrow, especially with how to clean this poor thing. It really is great quality, especially seeing how terribly it must have been treated and how well it held up. With a good clean and conditioning, though, I think this bag will look spectacular again. And, as I said, whether it’s a real or a fake D&B purse, it was still worth the $35.

…. But I still want to know. 😛

Thank you, God, for this life and this success and fun today. Thank you for the amazing family dinner and music tonight. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my man, who carries part of my heart with him always now – thank you for such a blessing. Help us all to pursue and fulfill your will, being our best selves, better and better each day. Thank you. I love you. We love you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Searching

I’m just searching for some quality work clothing and a quality (used, because I can’t afford new) leather handbag. But that, apparently, is too much to request from our clothing industry right now.

And that is just so, so sad…

There is so much junk out there. There is so much junk that will get thrown away without ever being sold. And there is so much junk that will fall apart quickly after people start to use it. And it isn’t even a matter of just not buying the junk – there is too much junk and too little out there that is of quality. I cannot even find the quality stuff(!!!!). (Aaaahhhhrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The only place I’ve found not-junk (but also still loads of junk) has been as resale shops. I actually found a great leather handbag in one shop today – no, it isn’t even a name brand bag, because even most of those are rather crappy quality and aren’t actual leather anymore – but it is a bit big for my purposes. So, my search continues for the quality leather handbag.

Finding clothes has been distressingly difficult. They cost more than ever right now, yet their quality is significantly worse than they were even a few years ago. One distinct thing I noticed during the previous presidency was that product quality in general, clothing included, increased. Things were suddenly made better or they didn’t sell. And lots was made in the USA, and not crappily. It was suddenly kind of easy to find whatever I wanted as a product made in the USA and made well, and at a very reasonable price. Not cheap, but reasonable and worth the quality. Now, I am very much not into politics, but I have noticed that clear difference. During this presidency, there has been a weird supply chain issue, along with an intense drop of quality in products and a huge jump of products from China, and yes, I mean the crappy kind, exploding out of almost every store. On top of that, the prices of the junk are higher than the quality and quality made-in-the-USA products’ prices a few years ago.

Just the waste of it all is sad enough. But the lack of fair wages and intense markup pricing brings it all to a whole ‘nother level of sad…

Dear God, please, help us to restore quality to this planet, and on all levels. Help us begin with providing quality services, quality care, and quality products to one another. Help us all to learn to care about our own work and about the work of others. Help us to appreciate truly the value of quality work, services, products, and love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Waking up

I want to start waking up at my early hours again, and naturally so. And, by ‘waking up,’ I actually mean, ‘getting up and staying up.’ I still mostly wake up close to my former time. I get up and use the bathroom and go right back to bed most of the time. And I am so tired most days that I do fall back asleep somewhat quickly. However, I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get up early and go to bed early. I like being nearly halfway through my day by the time most people are starting work for the day. I don’t get up to near as much good by staying up late, anyway. When I get up early, just as Marie Kondo said from her experience with customers, I get a whole lot more done, and faster than when I wake up at standard or late times.

So, here’s to looking into what has been in my way for the past year and (almost) a half, and seeing what I can alter for myself in order to get myself back to bed when I actually want to go to bed, and then getting out of bed for the day, rested, when I actually want to be starting my days.

Help me to see clearly, please, Lord. Guide me to pursue and fulfill your will by being my best self. Thank you for this life and this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Aches and pains

My left shoulder has been giving me some surprising grief this past week, and I’ve also had a lot of trouble sleeping well. At the chiropractor today, she said that the shoulder pain was mostly due to my jaw’s being slightly out of place. She then did some subtle shifting inside my mouth, and I felt almost I stand relief in certain areas of my neck and shoulder. The rest, she said, would dissipate over the next day-ish, as it likely was pain due to inflammation that remained. So far, it has gone down loads more since she adjusted my mouth this morning.

She also mentioned that clenching my jaw might be a factor… something that I know myself to do sometimes at night, though I haven’t yet figured out when I do it versus not (because I definitely don’t do it all the time – I can tell the next morning whenever I’ve done it overnight). But she also is concerned that my aligners might also be the culprits…, which, unfortunately, wouldn’t surprise me. I haven’t been able to rest with my teeth together ever since I had my teeth straightened… I spend the whole day with my lips closed, but my teeth never touching, and I had to train myself to do that. Not sure it was what was best for me to have done, but it was what I did as my teeth got straightened out. However, they never aligned for me to set them together comfortably. I have to push my lower jaw out in order to rest them all together.

Post-a-day 2023

A super night

Well, I have finally seen the original Superman film, the one from 1978. Unsurprisingly, I found Superman quite handsome and Lois Lane a major idiot. The film was unnecessarily long, however, I believe it was intentionally taking its time to show certain film features that were rather new back then, still, and that were done rather well, and that was cool to see.

What is most exciting, perhaps, is that I have finally discovered and seen the scene which inspired the, “Gee, thanks, mister!” used in Hercules when the two sidekicks, Pain and Panic, are human boys being rescued from under the boulder that Hercules should have just set right back down… anyway… So, knowing that line’s origin now is great, and it was quite fun how I discovered it! So, yay!

Thank you, God, for a blessed and productive day today, as well as a blessed and entertaining night. Goodnight. Amen.

“Krypton with a K-R-Y-P-T-O-N.”

Post-a-day 2023

A great day

And, boy(!), did we get loads accomplished in the yard today! I had an amazing time today, taking it easy while using my physical energy to make improvements to our backyard. We added so much beauty today, it was such a blessing to be able to do it all. And it was even more of a blessing not to have to check the clock… at all. We just got to take care of things, have fun together, argue a lot about what way to do certain things (especially when one of us already had a way we were going to do it, and the other didn’t realize that), and learn to let it go and continue onward together, even when we did separate things from one another. It was just a beautiful day making beautiful things.

And, oh, yeah, it was extremely hot. One neighbor mentioned that there may even have been a heat warning… so, there’s that.

But today was such a blessing and a meditation and a working out of kinks, it was perfect.

Thank you, God, for this day. We tidied so much more than just the yard today. Thank you for all of it. Help us always to see clearly our next step to fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Saturday night

We went to Mass this evening, and I kind of really like doing that. There is something about ‘making sure we go to Mass’ on Sunday that usually makes Sundays just not feel like a day of rest. I certainly want to go to Mass. But there is something about going Saturday evening that makes so much more seem possible in a weekend. It’s easy to have dinner after a 5pm on Saturday, because we can stay up late Saturday night. But dinner after a 5pm on Sunday must be quick and orderly, and we have to ‘get to it’ to get everything ready for bed and for an early start Monday morning. If we do Sunday morning Mass, we can’t stay up late Saturday night, removing much of the fun of having a Saturday night without a day of work after it, but with a day of rest to follow. Granted, we aren’t going out and partying hard or anything. Oftentimes, we are just doing things at home after dinner, or wanting to watch a movie or something, just hanging out together, even. But we’d have to cut it all short, especially in the summer, to go get ready for bed, if we had Mass the next morning. Plus, there is a certain stress around making sure alarms are set for everyone to get up and out the door in time for Church the next morning, allied with getting as much sleep as possible yet practicable. We can never seem to get to bed truly early enough on a Saturday night – we have too much energy for that on Saturdays – not to be rushing the next morning to get to Mass. So, Sunday morning Mass always has a certain stress tied to it.

What’s more, I get stressed having to keep an eye on the time all day to make sure we don’t miss the only chance we have for something. By going to Mass Saturday, the idea of having the options of Sunday morning and evening, just in case something changes or comes up, gives me great ease…

Coming home from Mass on Sunday requires down time for me. Often, I want to go do something, to celebrate the joys we just got to experience in Mass. But that doesn’t work out so easily on a Sunday evening, for reasons already mentioned, or on a Sunday after morning Mass, because it’s time to start getting ready for lunch and anything else that needs to get done that day before bedtime routines need to start.

This may all sound ridiculous, but it is very real for me. I had forgotten the ease that came with Saturday vigil. Experiencing it tonight brought forth a release of stress that I hadn’t fully realized I’d been carrying about Sunday Mass. But, boy, can I feel the lifting of that weight tonight as I go to bed…

I can now look forward to a Sunday in which I don’t have to get dressed up or go be around and with a lot of people. I can truly have a day of rest and contemplation in my own home. The hubbub and buzz of going to Church is much more suiting for Saturday and its many activities and events and general happenings around town. The restful start – without the alarm and rushing to get ready and out the door – with no requirements but to be faithful and to be here, makes Sunday a true day of rest, and, thereby, prayer and contemplation, as well as an offering to God. Wow.

Thank you, God, for this insight into my relationship with you and with the world around me. Thank you for this love. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A prayer for work

Dear Lord, please, help my man to find relief and fulfillment in his work. If this is not the job for him, help him to find clearly what he must do now and next, and when next is. Please, make his every step clear for us both, that we may pursue and fulfill your will through his work. Grant him ease and confidence, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023