Tag: crazy

Signs

I pray about things. And I do that both formally and informally. Sometimes, I sit and do the sign of the cross and address God, then say things to Him and, maybe, ask Him for things, and end ‘in His name, Amen.’

Most of the time, though, I pray more in an open prayer. That is, I turn to God, both physically and mentally, throughout the day, and interact with Him. I say things to Him either in my head or aloud – usually in my head, when others are around – and I listen for His replies. He always replies, but I don’t always understand at the time. One of my biggest prayers is for clarity in my next step with everything in my life. I pray that I want, pursue, and fulfill God’s will in all that I am and in all that I do, and I always ask for clarity as to how next to step in order to do just that. And, when it is time to do something other than what I’ve been doing lately, I receive some kind of clear sign – usually in the form of a strong and almost-sudden pull, desire, calling – and I can just feel that it is God’s will pulling me forward, showing me my next step on His desired path for me.

Lately, I have been in what has felt like a sort of limbo. I see not my path forward, and I have no idea how we are going to get to what comes next – because I can feel God’s promise of what is next, but just don’t yet see or know quite what or how it is to be – though I do see what I am to do for right now. He’s told me to do well by the kids – ‘Do a good job,’ He has told me, and I feel that He means for the students.

Naturally, I started stressing at how I’m not being a good enough teacher right now, as soon as I understood that to be His present will. So, I’m working on that.

However, there are so many directions life could go in the next six months, and I find myself getting scared and stressed about that. I cannot yet see where God is taking me, and it is scaring me a bit.

But, of course, now that I’m saying all of this, my obvious answer is, Well, that would be because you are not trusting in God. No duh, banana. No duh… So, I guess it is time to trust fully in God and to let go of the not knowing. He will make sure I know when it is time for me to know. And He will take care of me. All I need do presently is continue to choose Him every day and to do His will of doing a good job. And I do. And I will.

Okay, God. I let go. You can have back this fear I’ve been picking up, and turn it into something gloriously beautiful in a new form, please. Thank you for this life, and thank you for prayer. Thank you for being with me so much and for always being ready and able to listen and, also, to respond. Thank you for your guidance. Please, help me to see exactly how to proceed to create and to realize this amazing life you are offering to me. Help me always to pursue and to fulfill your will by my life. Heal those in need of healing, please. And let me know whatever I need to know, please. In your name, I pray in immense gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

As planned

Well, that did not go as planned… nor did it go as promised.

So, I need to see how best to proceed with this. Feedback is important in improvement, – actually, feedback is valuable in everything – and improvement is important when things don’t go well. Degrading and denying feedback and avoiding responsibility for things that didn’t go well helps nothing and hurts much.

As hard as it is to accept that we have messed something up, it is extremely valuable to all parties involved just to acknowledge that we see that we messed up. What makes it even better is also acknowledging that we are committed to something better than what we produced. Then and only then can we truly improve something.

Please, keep that in mind whenever you mess up in the future (we know we all do it often enough, so it’s coming!).

Dear God, thank you for our safety today and our time together as a family. Thank you, also, for this opportunity for growth. Please, help me to grow well, pursuing and fulfilling your will in the process. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Civic duty

I went to a town hall meeting tonight about a local fire. I learned a lot… mostly that my guesses were all accurate. Government does a lot of junk. Certain groups and people actually care and do their best with what they’re given. Most of them, however, don’t do a good job at all, avoid responsibility, and then hand off the absolute crap situations they allowed and half created to those who do care, and then those caring folks have to work even harder to pick up the pieces of junk handed to them.

So, yeah…

Oh, and the news article didn’t even report the right information that was given at the meeting. Talk about fake news… that was straight up false information in that article. When we read it, we had a feeling of, ‘Did you even attend the same meeting we did?’

People are dumb an unfortunate amount of the time…

God, help us, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Halloween

Tonight, we got to join my friend and her husband and two little girls to go trick-or-treating. It was the first time for real for the three-year-old.

When we pulled up, they were all out front, and another friend of my friend was with them. As we set out, we realized that we were three different families present for the two children of only one of those families. It cracked us up, at least. The one family was dressed to theme together as characters from the movie “Encanto”. The mom was Luisa and the baby was a donkey, dad was Bruno, and the three-year-old, of course, was Mirabel. And yes, she wore the glasses. We actually had to stop at one point, because her glasses were falling down, and she had to fix them. (Of course, my man actually fixed them for her, because they’d popped out of socket on one side, but she was the one who was adamant that they had to be fixed before we could continue walking.)

Nonetheless, she would hold one of our hands while we walked, then would climb onto the front walkway of a house, run up to the door or table with her (meaning our) pumpkin, usually say, and adorably, “Trick or treat!”, receive or grab candy, often say even more adorably, “Thank you!”, run back down to us waiting adults (with the baby), grab ahold of a hand again, and then jump off the curb. For the first several times, she also then would add, “I got candy! I got candy!” Then, as we continued onward, she would declare, “I wanna go to Mimi and Pawpaw’s house! I wanna go to Mimi and Pawpaw’s house!” (Keep in mind, she is excited and adorable, not whiney and annoying. Just to be clear here, because that matters.)

Once we finally got to Mimi and Pawpaw’s house, they came along with us for a bit before going back home. At that point, the declaration from the street, after getting candy, had become, “I wanna do another one… I wanna go to someBODY’s house! I wanna go to someBODY’s house!” Why was she emphasizing the “body” part of the word? I genuinely have no idea. But it was stupidly cute, and she was just so excited to be trick-or-treating, which she also occasionally declared that she was doing, none of us minded about correcting her emphasis.

When we got back to the house, she immediately took off her shoes and then told us she wanted to eat a piece of chocolate. So, I had her pick one, and then I opened it for her. When she was ready for another piece, I showed her how to bring the bucket to the floor, and to sit down and dump it out with us, making that glorious candy waterfall and then pile. She clearly enjoyed both the dumping and the shoving her hands through it all to see what all was there. Right move!

And she actually had a surprising spread. I made her parents both feel how heavy her bucket was before we dumped it out, because no one understood how strong this kid had been. She was adamant about carrying it herself the whole time. But that thing was genuinely heavy, and she’s only three years old. Her commitment and success were impressive, to be sure. We were all both surprised and proud of her.

And we were proud of her for all of it, really. She had gone up to most houses all on her own. She’d remembered her lines almost every time. When she forgot the “Trick or treat” part, and my man asked her, “What do you say?”, she quickly then said to the ladies, “Thank you!” Not the direction he was aiming, but also not a bad line to pick(!). She did a really good job and clearly had a blast, and we were proud of her.

And we had a good time, too. It was fun being all together just hanging out, while also providing for this both adorable for us and fun for her time for the three-year-old. It was great.

Oh, and she also occasionally would declare, “I’m Mirabeeel!” Everyone enjoyed that one, too.

It was just a lovely night, and I am grateful for it. I’m sorry my man and I both felt kind of unwell afterward, and that we didn’t hand out any of the candy we’d purchased specifically to hand out this year, but I think we both are glad we went with my friend and them all, nonetheless. It was a surprisingly lovely time.

Thank you, God, for these friends, big and small. Thank you for tonight. Please, help us to sleep well tonight and to pursue and fulfill your will in all we do. Help my friend A-J to experience the love we have for her and the gratitude so many have toward her. Help her to feel your love and the love and gratitude she so well creates and inspires. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Shame

There is already a conversation on the concept of “Catholic Shame”, which is the idea that one feels intense shame at certain thoughts, feelings, and actions that may be somewhat commonplace or only a small deal in terms of sin, and it is especially strong for the realm of sexuality and sexual acts. I have both heard of this and experienced this much in my life.

What I hadn’t heard, however, was the idea of the Madonna-Whore complex as tied to Catholic Shame. Separate from the whole Sigmund Freud idea, it is the concept that Catholic (and Christian) women, once married, have trouble transitioning from the idea that sexual acts are always sinful to that they now are an acceptable and encouraged act of love with God at their center. Put differently, when, as a married woman, she participates in sexual acts with her husband, though those acts are blessed within the marriage, she feels like a whore… because she’s spent the first however many years of her life believing she must be a whore if she even wanted those acts, let alone participated in them.

So, that’s a new one for me… and I believe it most definitely will apply to me once I marry… :/

Post-a-day 2023

Fantasies

Some people fantasize about being rich or indulging in fancy yet unhealthy foods or about diving into physical or sexual acts.

Actually, that probably covers most people…

Anyway, about what do I fantasize, pray tell?

I fantasize about not having to brush and floss my teeth before bed.

To each his own, you know? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Post-a-day 2023

Sharing is caring

I shared last night my recent stresses about getting out with my man. It has grown increasingly difficult to get myself to go anywhere that isn’t absolutely necessary. I already had the touch of depression, then my hormones and such got a little more off than usual. Add to those the stress about money, and we have an effective recipe for my sort of agoraphobia to pop back up.

Granted, it has come in tiny waves the past few years, popping up in little bitty sports here and there. But it always settles back down and disappears into the sand after a couple weeks at most, and it never gets very bad in the first place.

But this has been different. It has been increasing steadily the past several weeks or so. I almost didn’t notice at first that it was stronger than usual, because I normally adjust my ways and it goes away. So, I don’t have to out much thought into it. By the time I paid it closer attention, it had progressed significantly.

And it isn’t that I’m afraid to go out and be around people. It’s that the idea of leaving the house and going somewhere that isn’t necessary seems a nearly-insurmountable task. And, when I consider surmounting it, I come close to breaking down and crying, feeling utterly inadequate, and just wanting to cuddle up into a blanket and someone’s arms (preferably my man’s) on the sofa and slowly fall asleep.

So, I told all this to my man last night. I was embarrassed to tell him, and even more so because I had waited so long to say anything to him. Clearly, I have been having an increasing issue, but I haven’t wanted to share about it, because I had felt like he would be mad at me, or maybe just even more frustrated at my stupid OCD-related crap… because my whole thing is that I’m not worth it, and this would be one more reason to hand him that would show how very much I am not worth it… Likely that is the real reason I didn’t say a word about it, though I never put much thought or conscious intention into not telling him.

Nonetheless, I told him. And I was sad and ashamed. And he said that he was okay. And I cried very hard.

And then I felt better. By the time I woke up today, definitely not rested enough, due to the crappy sleep thing right now and waking up constantly for the second half of each night, I felt loads better. I dealt with a lot of crap at school today, and then had no struggle heading to volunteering. I hung out there afterward a bit, then headed to Costco for gas and groceries for my man, forgot about Costco, because I was on the phone with my man, and went home to see my man before he went to the gym. When I was down the street, he asked what I was doing, because I was supposed to be at Costco. Oops. I would give him a kiss, then, and then go. And the next part was awesome, in its way.

He said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to go back out, if I came home first. I thought about it, and I realized that I was totally okay and that I would have no issue getting back out. I was grateful for that feeling. But I also was grateful that we had been able to discuss it clearly and honestly. I think that alone could have helped me tonight, had I needed the help to get back out. Though I didn’t need it tonight, this opportunity to discuss my struggles openly together could prove to be immensely helpful in the future.

And I am incredibly grateful.

Thank you, God, for guiding me to share last night. And thank you for this man. He is such a beautiful piece of your Creation, and an absolute blessing to me (not to mention the perfect kind of thorn in my side [or is it a rib, in fact, and we just never realized it?]). Thank you. Help us sleep well at night, please. Heal us all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Calling and Stressing

Sometimes, it feels like God is calling me in a certain direction, yet the world seems to be setting itself against my going in that direction. And sometimes, it feels like I am being offered a choice between two seemingly similar yet extremely different directions, and I truly cannot tell which is the one God is asking, recommending, calling me to pursue.

And sometimes, it’s both at the same time.

God, help me, please, to see clearly your will for me and my family and our life. Help me to see this next step clearly and to pursue and fulfill it with comfort, ease, and confidence in your guidance and will and love. Thank you for this life. Please, help me to live it at my best possible. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Great Films

Tonight, we finished watching Top Gun: Maverick… again.

We started it the other night, and stopped about halfway through to use the bathroom, and decided it was smartest to go to sleep immediately. So, we did the second half tonight.

And I was almost ready to hit start all over again once it ended.

This movie is just that great. And knowing how much of it was true flying, actually filmed in jets and all that jazz makes it all the better. Just such a good film. I really love it.

Thank you, God, for the blessing of wonderful art, especially wonderful films. In your name, I pray in gratitude. Amen! ❤

Post-a-day 2023

Opera

We went to the world premier of an opera today. It was called Intelligence, and was composed by Jake Heggie, with libretto by Gene Scheer. Also part of the team, directing and choreographing for her first time on an opera, was Jawole Willa Jo Zollar.

Now, a friend had originally scheduled to attend with us, but had to cancel due to a scheduling issue. So, someone else went with us at the last minute. The replacement person was truly delighted by the show, so we were really glad he was able to attend with us.

Not long after the show had ended, however, I got a message from the first friend, “How was it!?” (He could hardly stand that he hadn’t made it, and was already figuring out when he could get a ticket to go on his own later this week.)

My responses, in order:

It was cool
Very American opera
Haha
It was kind of weird in terms of flow, but I believe that was kind of the point
Cool how it’s based on a true story
Seeing how these two women significantly helped end the war
It was a cool combination of time period and cultures
But also totally an American opera, through and through 😂

I didn’t even have to explain myself, and I’m pretty sure he got it. Because, even though opera is opera, the old European opera is definitely a different animal from the modern American opera.

The friend’s response?

“Love that”. 😛

Opera nerds.

Post-a-day 2023