Tag: culture

Appointment

Well, I scheduled an appointment today. It seemed absurdly irrelevant, given that it was so far into the future and was about something that just happened. I said as much after the call ended. Within ten minutes, however, I had a call back from the office. ‘The doctor said to squeeze you in tomorrow. Can you do that?’ No, I didn’t want to risk missing the whole day of school and not getting paid – that would turn a $40/$80 appointment into a $240/$280 appointment. But I also need to have the appointment, and kind of asap. So, this is the only option if I want it handled now.

I begrudgingly accepted the appointment.

My mom adjusted her schedule to go with me. I am grateful. I am nervous about the whole thing, as I care very much about what might come of it. I just hope it all goes well and all is safe and good, and I make it to school in time still to get paid for the day.

God, help me to heal and to earn money to care for my family well financially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Mardi Gras, also known in other states who know no French as Fat Tuesday. It is the day before Lent begins, the period of 40 days of meditation and fasting before the celebration of the coming of Christ, Easter. All the sugar and fat stores are meant to be used up on Mardi Gras, thus the name. This includes the idea that we will not be eating sugary or fatty things during Lent, even if they don’t come from one’s own making. The first day of Lent, as well as each Friday during it, is a day that specifically includes fasting and having no meat. That day is called Ash Wednesday. It is called so for that ashes are distributed to all, via a cross on the forehead, to remind us that we have come from dust and shall, one day, return to dust – we are the creations of God and will return to him after this life for eternal life. Ash Wednesday…

Ash Wednesday was today.

Today was also the feast of Saint Valentine, also known commercially as Valentine’s Day. It is a day filled with treats and commercialism and indulgence and, even, waste. It does not line up with the morals of Ash Wednesday… which was also today.

So, today was a bizarre Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday combination – one I haven’t known to happen previously in my life. Definitely interesting to have the solemn day land on and, therefore, trump the celebratory day.

But also interesting that, as someone noted today, “Lent” is right in the middle of “Valentine”, you could say at the heart of it… 😛

Interesting thought to have us reconsider how we want to do Valentine’s Day in the future, too.

Thank you, God, for your love and your creativity and your forgiveness and generosity. We love you. Keep us well, that we pursue and fulfill your will for us in our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Weather

We have some freezing weather going on right now, through most of tomorrow, and then again tomorrow night. Specifically, hard freeze weather. The low tonight is -7°C, plus the wind chill. And Houston isn’t made for such weather. A touch below freezing, sure. But a hard freeze is very hard for Houston buildings and roads.

Deer God, please, keep us all safe, especially the next few days with this weather. Please, grant us spectacular weather next Tuesday afternoon, evening, and night. Please. Help us to fulfill the calls we have had toward being our best selves and having fun through your love and your gifts and blessings in life. Thank you for this life and my man. Keep us well and safe and happily together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Relating

It is somewhat common that people will offer to do something, and then, when it comes time for them to do it, they will back out, making some sort of excuse.

And I can’t relate to that. I just don’t do that. If I say that I will do something, I will do it. If something comes up, fine – I’ll readjust to the best my ability. But I’m still going to do it. Only something major has to come up that prevents me from doing everything else that day or whatever.

Perhaps it is that people commit to things without actually thinking through them and seeing that it actually will work for them to do them. I am often hesitant to agree to something until I confirm with all my relative family members and schedules, and, sometimes even, the weather. I actually check to see that it will work before I commit to it.

But people keep promising things, asking to do things for me, saying they’ll help by doing x. And then, at the last second, no x. Usually, with some lame and long excuse accompanying the lack of x.

And it really sucks.

And it’s a huge part of why I don’t want to allow others to help me with things a lot of the time. Even with the wedding plans, I have been very cautious handing over tasks, despite people’s offers and requests. Unfortunately, around half of those I’ve handed over have been abandoned/canceled by the other person, and I have to start again on my own. So, as with the other stuff in life, I keep a couple backup plans in place. I make sure that I will be able to pick up the slack if they fail to do what they have promised to do. I have handed off a few final yet important tasks to a few people for this next week and the following couple days. And I am fully prepared to go do each of them myself, should any individual fail to do them. And I have a way of checking that they have done them fully within enough time for me to do that.

Only one is not like that. And I have to leave that one fully up to God after this weekend. I have set it up for success. I am in charge of fulfilling the final pieces before the wedding day. And then they have to handle it themselves on the wedding day. Fortunately, I think they will be able to handle it well and will make it work, no matter what, because of what specifically it is and who they are. (But I still have a backup plan in place for that!)

I guess I’ve been burned too many times by people reneging on commitments. And I really cannot relate to them.

God, please, help me to find ease this week especially. Keep us and our home safe. Keep my grandma safe and help her to heal significantly, such that she may attend and enjoy easily and immensely our wedding and wedding celebration. Help my mom to handle her tasks efficiently and to my dream standards. Help me to look and to feel how I long to look and to feel, surrounded by and guided by your love and the love of my man. Thank you for my man and my mom, especially. Help the friends pull through and be true friends throughout the next nine days, please. Please. And please, give us good weather for our wedding morning and, especially, early evening and night. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please, continue to show me my next step clearly in following your will for my life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Big Brother

It seems that someone has been watching me via my security camera in my home. It was maybe a few weeks back that I had thought my man was on the camera and about to talk to me. I said hi to him, but got no response. I then called him, only to find out that he hadn’t been on the camera at all… and it has happened several times since then. I wasn’t sure what the deal was – perhaps it was merely a weird camera thing with the nighttime lighting, shifting back and forth.

But then tonight happened. While it was on – kind of like the live viewing and clicking the microphone to speak – I heard an 18-wheeler’s horn honk… through the camera.

My man was not on it. I confirmed. It spooked us both. We changed out passwords immediately. And yet, it just happened again…

I reported the issue to the company. We shall see if they are able and willing to track the recent access of the device. I know there was a massive data leak recently for just about everything, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what happened, that a password got into the wrong hands.

God, please, free us from this potentially dangerous and definitely inappropriate invasion of privacy. Keep us always safe and pursuing and fulfilling your will, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Birthday party

Nothing quite like going to a small child’s birthday party and being the only ones who aren’t actual family. And the only ones besides the mom who aren’t Mexican. And we don’t even have any kids of our own yet. But this baby and her big sister feel like they’re part of our family from back when I lived with them for a couple months, so we went to the party across town for a one-year-old. Fortunately, all the family remember us from the last birthday party for the older sister, so it was no biggie today, not even for my man, who didn’t live with any of them, but is just now my future husband, and has thereby absorbed these guys as extended family. 😛

Ridiculous, I know.

Thank you, God, for the love and friendships we have. Keep us all safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good time

Tonight was a dinner for faculty and staff and their plus ones. I expected to have an okay time. I ended up having a really nice time. We had a pleasant and loving time at our table with a few folks. We had a nice time chatting with my boss and his wife. We had a delightful time chatting with some guys who have taken religious orders to become priests. My man got to meet a good handful of the important people for me at work. And then we stopped by the karaoke after-party just to check it out on the way home, but ended up staying until it closed down. (Just need to say that it was 100% like a slightly toned down version of a frat party. It was hilarious and kind of wonderful [minus the handful of people who had gotten truly drunk and were not so fun].)

Suffice it to say that I am going to bed tonight very late, but socially and emotionally satisfied.

Thank you for this wonderful evening and night. Keep us safe, please. Heal my man’s defensiveness with me, please, and mine with him. And heal my burned finger, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Segregation

Somehow, it never occurred to me that my parents were there for desegregation. We learned all about it in school, but they never had us ask our parents about it… We once had to ask our grandparents about some event, but I don’t recall what it even was. But why didn’t we use our own family members more with history? They, after all, did live through much of the detailed stuff that is referenced in the classrooms… and it makes things more memorable when we can tie them to something personal.

I remember, actually, doing one interview for school with my dad. Part of it, at least, was about race stuff, but it wasn’t tied as much to all the things we learn about, the events and people and such. It was about how a parent grew up relative to another race. I remember that much. It’s when I learned that the first black person my dad met was his college roommate, in college. Also that his parents didn’t particularly like (or know at all) black people, but, since black people weren’t ever around – remember how he never met one until he left home for college – my dad was exposed to much of an opinion about black people. In a way, the almost-certain racism never got much of a chance to be passed on to him. No, he didn’t get to know people of other races, but he also didn’t have any hostility toward them.

Fast forward to the next generation, and I grew up going to school in the most diverse county in the most diverse city in the country. Several of my best friends and crushes growing up were races other than white. And it never even occurred to me to care. People were just people. Kind folks were kind and mean ones were mean. Race truly never came up as a factor beyond looks.

Kind of cool, really…

Anyway, I’ve gone way off topic here. The point was that history class missed a huge learning opportunity here, and I want to remedy it as best as I can. I’ve already reached out to both my parents for some basic memory sharing, and I’m arranging really sitting and talking with them about it in the near future, too. How cool that my parents were there for so much stuff that we learned about in school… And how bizarre that that never truly occurred to me that they could share with me all about it personally, not just from a learned knowledge base. (Like how my mom was talking to me at Dealey Plaza about JFK’s assassination… but I subconsciously thought she was telling things she had learned in school – she was a great student, after all – not that she was remembering it from the live news reports…)

I have so much to discuss with my parents…and I almost feel a need to bring along a textbook!

I just might…

Post-a-day 2023

Signs

I pray about things. And I do that both formally and informally. Sometimes, I sit and do the sign of the cross and address God, then say things to Him and, maybe, ask Him for things, and end ‘in His name, Amen.’

Most of the time, though, I pray more in an open prayer. That is, I turn to God, both physically and mentally, throughout the day, and interact with Him. I say things to Him either in my head or aloud – usually in my head, when others are around – and I listen for His replies. He always replies, but I don’t always understand at the time. One of my biggest prayers is for clarity in my next step with everything in my life. I pray that I want, pursue, and fulfill God’s will in all that I am and in all that I do, and I always ask for clarity as to how next to step in order to do just that. And, when it is time to do something other than what I’ve been doing lately, I receive some kind of clear sign – usually in the form of a strong and almost-sudden pull, desire, calling – and I can just feel that it is God’s will pulling me forward, showing me my next step on His desired path for me.

Lately, I have been in what has felt like a sort of limbo. I see not my path forward, and I have no idea how we are going to get to what comes next – because I can feel God’s promise of what is next, but just don’t yet see or know quite what or how it is to be – though I do see what I am to do for right now. He’s told me to do well by the kids – ‘Do a good job,’ He has told me, and I feel that He means for the students.

Naturally, I started stressing at how I’m not being a good enough teacher right now, as soon as I understood that to be His present will. So, I’m working on that.

However, there are so many directions life could go in the next six months, and I find myself getting scared and stressed about that. I cannot yet see where God is taking me, and it is scaring me a bit.

But, of course, now that I’m saying all of this, my obvious answer is, Well, that would be because you are not trusting in God. No duh, banana. No duh… So, I guess it is time to trust fully in God and to let go of the not knowing. He will make sure I know when it is time for me to know. And He will take care of me. All I need do presently is continue to choose Him every day and to do His will of doing a good job. And I do. And I will.

Okay, God. I let go. You can have back this fear I’ve been picking up, and turn it into something gloriously beautiful in a new form, please. Thank you for this life, and thank you for prayer. Thank you for being with me so much and for always being ready and able to listen and, also, to respond. Thank you for your guidance. Please, help me to see exactly how to proceed to create and to realize this amazing life you are offering to me. Help me always to pursue and to fulfill your will by my life. Heal those in need of healing, please. And let me know whatever I need to know, please. In your name, I pray in immense gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023