Tag: self-expression

Oops

Well, we’re going to RenFest tomorrow, first thing. We wear awesome outfits that I made. They could use some minor yet valuable adjustments. Yet, somehow, every year, I forget to make the adjustments until the last minute… this year’s being no different, I didn’t even pull them out until tonight…

So, I’ll be fiddling with my man’s cloak in the car on the way up in the morning, and hoping I’m doing the best thing for it. However, so far as our new drinking horns are concerned, I came across them by accident the other day, about a week ago, I guess… I remembered that we needed to seal them for safe drinking. So, I hauled them out, washed them, looked up what I was supposed to be using and doing to make them ‘safe’ for use, and then went this past Sunday to get the stuff. I did the sealant and let them cure for more than double the recommended time (kind of forgot about them), and now they’re ready! Of course, because I kind of forgot about them, 1)they each have a couple droplets that are, basically, permanently on an outside edge of the horn, and 2)I genuinely almost forgot even to go get them as I packed up our stuff tonight. It was only because I went through the whole bag and came across the carriers that I even remembered we had them… as though I hadn’t just prepared them for use a handful of days ago…

Like I said, I kind of forgot about them… 😛

Anyway, I hope tomorrow goes well!

Dear God, keep us safe and well, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Well, then…

I did not exercise today. I got a decent amount of work done instead, because I had forgotten that I was subbing during my off time today (which was when I had planned to exercise, you see). I also got to be extremely productive at the end of the school day, because the bookshelf I have been awaiting (technically since the first week of school, but I found this shelf myself two days ago) was moved across campus and delivered into my office today while I was in class). So, rearranging was necessary.

I got the study desk (think of a desk with sides that go upward like blinders for taking tests, because that’s what it was made to do) out of my office and into the common space, which might actually prove useful for all the teachers in my office suite, now, as we have kids constantly having to take tests and quizzes just in the open area with folks walking past them and around them the whole time. I then moved almost everything else around until I found an organization that I seemed to like. I had a small blip with the phone and desktop, as an internet outlet that should work doesn’t. But I found a way to swap out cables, and it resolved a dangling cable that used to drive me nuts as well as the phone’s having to be right next to my desk. (We’re more of an e-mail school than phone call one, you see, so I rarely use the phone in my office. Phones in the classrooms are more used than the office ones, as that’s how kids get pulled out of class for this or that.)

Anyway, I had some blips and re-shifting and such, but I was happy with the final result. To top it off, just as I was doing final touches, a co-worker walked by and almost immediately commented on how “awesome” and “bad-ass” my office was. Not a bad improvement from being merely a “large closet cave”. It still has no windows to the outside and no great overhead lighting, but the furniture arrangement and lamp make all the difference. Oh, and not having piles of stuff all over the floor anymore, now that I have hanging filing folders (arrived end of last week) and a bookshelf.

Thank you, God, for the blessings in my life, and thank you, especially, for the relief this office arrangement has provided. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A kick

Perhaps the fear was the kick I have been both wanting and needing. I have been busy and tired and not sleeping well and needing to do loads of work (though not necessarily being productive during the school day, anyway). I have not been exercising almost at all. Perhaps it has been once or twice a week for the past month. Three times one week, and only one or two since then. None last week at all. So, here I am, experiencing a terribly stressful level of fat on my body. It’s one thing not to exercise and to eat well. But not to exercise and then to continue eating the same easy way… bad recipe, as I have now proven.

Anyway, so here I am. And I exercised today, especially doing the interval cardio section that I really haven’t felt like doing lately. It was a good feeling afterward.

And I still feel and see the fat on me, so, hopefully, it will encourage me to keep going with the exercise. I was for so long at a point of not being as fit as I wanted but not being able to see excess fat… it led me to doing less and less, because it was neither inspiring/encouraging nor terrifying. Now, the scales have tipped, at last, and I am terrified. Though it inevitably will improve, until it is at the original ideal fitness I have for myself, the scale somehow always stays tipped to the negative.

Thus, to work!

Thank you, God, for this clarity and this opportunity. Help me to heal, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

This man

There is a man. The first thing I said to this man was, “Hey! Are you lookin’ for me?” He replied after a pause, “Yes, but not quite yet.” I love this man. I want to pray with this man, grow with this man, become with this man my best self for each day for the rest of my life.

And I have known this since the day I met him… that night, standing in the horse barn, loving him already and wondering how on Earth he was truly here in front of me… and knowing that he was feeling the same about me.

Thank you, God, for the absolute blessing of this man in my life. I am eternally grateful. Please, help me to do well and to do your will in this life with him. Help us both to live your love and your light through our relationship with one another. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Possibilities

It is a good feeling when things start to feel possible.

It also can be a stressful feeling, knowing that the time has come to pick and to make things happen… fast. A fast deadline for a big-deal project is always kind of a stress ball…

God, help us to handle this all well and beautifully and perfectly with your guidance and will. Help us to fulfill these dreams you have granted us. Thank you for this life and for these new possibilities. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good night

Tonight, we got to spend time with two separate couples, separately, who are friends of ours. And it was awesome. I went shopping with my friend and her daughter first – that got me out of the house in this cold weather after I read a while. That was running my errands but with the two of them. Then we went back to their house, and my man eventually joined. Both there and at the other friends’ house, I believe that my man and I both had a great time. We played with little kids and chatted and joked with our friends. We pet happy and loving dogs. We sat around a fire pit. We just hung out.

Tonight, I am going to bed (socially) satiated. And I haven’t really done that in a long while. It is a very good feeling, both physically and emotionally.

The irony is that I didn’t exactly do a lot today, but I got to spend a lot of time with people I love and who, in their various ways, love me. And that made a simple day feel full in the best of ways.

Thank you, God, for such a lovely day. Please, keep us safe and help us to sleep well at night. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Something’s Different…

“What’s happening?” he mouths to me across the room, edges of a smile on his surprised face.

I smile back, slightly incredulous myself. “I don’t know…”

It’s half an hour past the end time of the event, and yet we are all still standing around chatting happily. Our hosts are animated and involved in their conversations with us all. No one has come to kick us all out, either gently or forcefully.

This has never happened before.

Usually, ten to fifteen minutes before the end time, a group of staff are going around kindly saying goodnight and reminding us to turn in our name tags as we leave. Then, by one ‘til, they have come back around to walk us kindly and smiling to the door, gently kicking us out by two minutes past the end time.

Tonight, however, none of that happened. We all are still wearing our name tags, even. I went to the bathroom at a quarter ‘til, so that I wouldn’t stand out as a problem at the end or have to wait on anyone else needing to go before driving the long way home. After I came out, I was looking briefly at some brochures before they got picked up – which definitely would be within the next five minutes or so – and our main host is suddenly opening up some double doors that had been, different from usual, closed tonight. I watch, smiling as he figured out the western door’s latch system. Once he gets it open, he turns right to me and invites me to come into the now-open room… to see his wife’s flower arrangements. 😛 He says he doesn’t know why it was closed the whole time, but he wants us to see the flowers, now that it is opened.

I begin to look around with him and am very much impressed by her arrangements – think beautiful Japanese ikebana, not western flower stems in an upright vase – saying so to him. He then suggests that we need to get the others, and so proceeds to go gather the majority of the remaining guests and bring them into the room.

More than half an hour later, we’re all still there. My small group has had multiple comments from me already about the not-being-kicked-out-yet situation. This is when a friend turns around across the room and mouths his question to me. He and I both know how it usually is. Most of the others are here for the first time, and so really just don’t get it. When he joins me, we both laugh in our amazement.

He thinks at first is it because our hosts have no children, but the previous hosts did. But no, we were still kicked out promptly for other events with these particular hosts.

However, I add, these hosts have always been very sociable and excited at having us all here. They never seem to be wanting to stop the party, and actively engage guests right up to the time those guests are kicked out by the wranglers. Perhaps, because they have no specific schedule or plans for this weekend – one of them told me so at the start of the event – they told the wranglers to hold off this time. Or something of the sort… because no one tried kicking us out. I joke that, perhaps, they are still on daylight saving time, and just don’t realize it is so late as it is – they still have another 25 minutes on a DST schedule!

I finally went to check in with one of the staff folks, who was chatting happily himself in the next room over, and even he had no idea why we all still were there and hadn’t been kicked out. He and I agreed to go ahead and give a gentle nudge to everyone by my making a big-ish deal of saying goodbye to our hosts. I began to do so, but, given how much the hosts love to chat, I then just straight up went and told the Americans that we were supposed to leave now. We have little issue with such a direct and clear communication between ourselves, so long as we aren’t mean about it, of course. Then everyone rallied together to say goodbye to our hosts, and the party actually ended… about seven minutes later.

At four ‘til nine, we all wandered out through the drizzling rain to our vehicles, and headed home after a bizarre and wonderful night… a whole extra hour later than we were supposed to be. 😛

Never done that one before at the Consul-General’s Residence!

Thank you, God, for this lovely evening of camaraderie and surprise. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Limits

“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone,” so often declared my German professor in college. She was quoting roughly Neale Donald Walsch (It seems he said it first, anyway), of course, and she was saying it as a means of encouraging us to be uncomfortable and to speak German anyway. But it stuck with me beyond just that class. Here I am, 12 years later, and I still reference the quite and idea regularly.

Tonight, I stepped beyond my comfort zone by joining a service event that involved working in a sort of soup kitchen help staff role… not a comfortable thing for me in the first place. And it required a lot of me that is nigh on painful for me emotionally. I did adjust and shift a bit within the flexibility of the volunteering, so as to be of service without freaking out. However, I was still very much outside of my comfort zone in terms of my OCD. Many of my limits were hit.

Even the dinner we had together after the service required me to step beyond my comfort zone on multiple levels with the OCD.

And I had a very enjoyable time as a whole.

And I was uncomfortable for a lot of it.

But I adjusted, and it got less uncomfortable. By the end of the evening, I was genuinely comfortable. Looking back on it all – and act that alone gives me discomfort due to the circumstances of the service and dinner – I am impressed at how comfortable I ended up being in both locations and in driving between them. I won’t get into details, because that just helps to bring on the panic. However, I’ll add just that I impressed myself. I found a place of ease within myself as I did these things this evening, these things that, even considering doing, give me anxiety and stress. I almost didn’t go at all tonight, for that reason. But it felt right.

And that feeling was right. It was life, asking to be lived. And I did. And it scared me. And I’m so glad I went.

(And now, due to the OCD, I must set aside any clear memories I have of details, in order to be able to function the rest of the week!)

Thank you, God, for this evening’s events and developments. Thank you for helping me find a way to be of service. Thank you for helping me find a space of belonging and of being truly welcome tonight. And thank you for the innumerable blessings you have graciously planted in my life. And thank you for the story shared by Matthew Perry – May it help people as I believe it truly can. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Baby steps

I seem to be making progress on various things, though it is heavy-going. I am grateful for the progress, but it isn’t feeling much lighter, likely because I am carrying a lot for a lot of things right now – lots of progress to come, one could say! (Others might say it’s a long way to go yet… so, pick your flavor!)

I asked for something today, too, and not angrily or meanly – just straightly. And the answer was a very decent and respectable one. Nothing firm or final, but a promise to have a back-up option, which is more than I would have had if I hadn’t asked. So, yay for being courageous and asking!

Thank you, God, for all the encouragement and progress of today. Please, help me continue to pursue and fulfill your will by my life. Help me to achieve the goals you have granted me and placed before me. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Signs

I pray about things. And I do that both formally and informally. Sometimes, I sit and do the sign of the cross and address God, then say things to Him and, maybe, ask Him for things, and end ‘in His name, Amen.’

Most of the time, though, I pray more in an open prayer. That is, I turn to God, both physically and mentally, throughout the day, and interact with Him. I say things to Him either in my head or aloud – usually in my head, when others are around – and I listen for His replies. He always replies, but I don’t always understand at the time. One of my biggest prayers is for clarity in my next step with everything in my life. I pray that I want, pursue, and fulfill God’s will in all that I am and in all that I do, and I always ask for clarity as to how next to step in order to do just that. And, when it is time to do something other than what I’ve been doing lately, I receive some kind of clear sign – usually in the form of a strong and almost-sudden pull, desire, calling – and I can just feel that it is God’s will pulling me forward, showing me my next step on His desired path for me.

Lately, I have been in what has felt like a sort of limbo. I see not my path forward, and I have no idea how we are going to get to what comes next – because I can feel God’s promise of what is next, but just don’t yet see or know quite what or how it is to be – though I do see what I am to do for right now. He’s told me to do well by the kids – ‘Do a good job,’ He has told me, and I feel that He means for the students.

Naturally, I started stressing at how I’m not being a good enough teacher right now, as soon as I understood that to be His present will. So, I’m working on that.

However, there are so many directions life could go in the next six months, and I find myself getting scared and stressed about that. I cannot yet see where God is taking me, and it is scaring me a bit.

But, of course, now that I’m saying all of this, my obvious answer is, Well, that would be because you are not trusting in God. No duh, banana. No duh… So, I guess it is time to trust fully in God and to let go of the not knowing. He will make sure I know when it is time for me to know. And He will take care of me. All I need do presently is continue to choose Him every day and to do His will of doing a good job. And I do. And I will.

Okay, God. I let go. You can have back this fear I’ve been picking up, and turn it into something gloriously beautiful in a new form, please. Thank you for this life, and thank you for prayer. Thank you for being with me so much and for always being ready and able to listen and, also, to respond. Thank you for your guidance. Please, help me to see exactly how to proceed to create and to realize this amazing life you are offering to me. Help me always to pursue and to fulfill your will by my life. Heal those in need of healing, please. And let me know whatever I need to know, please. In your name, I pray in immense gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023