Tag: work

Exhausted

Happy Groundhog Day and day we almost used for our wedding date!!

Actually, I almost cried several times today. And not even over anything individually worth crying. I was just so pushed to a point that all the normally manageable hassles and annoyances and unkindnesses were just too much for me today… I could take it, but I was nearly unwilling to take it… I didn’t want to make the effort anymore.

I apologized or clarified to my students several times today that I was not trying to be mean or harsh, and that I was just stressed and exhausted and worn down, and I didn’t mean for it to come out negatively toward them. I didn’t want to have to be saying that to them, but it was the responsible thing to do. And they got it. A few of them were also very worn down from the week for their own reasons, so they could relate at least somewhat.

But, man, were my buttons pushed today… and I so was close to not caring anymore and throwing out reason for revenge. Sometimes, people just [curse-word] suck. Ugh(!!!!!!!)!

Thank you, God, for this free day tomorrow to recover and sort out storing clothes in our marital home. (And thank you for our marital home!!!!) Keep us safe, please, and show us clearly our next step in pursuing and fulfilling your will. Help us to see clearly when to make a baby, please. Or just handle that for us when it is time, please, and help us to trust you on it. Thank you for this life and our marriage. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Day two

Today was a good day. I am extremely grateful for my husband.

Thank you, God, for this man and for our relationship. Please, help him to sleep well and to learn well. Help him to pursue effectively this dream he is currently pursuing for work. Ease his worries, sharpen his mind for the tasks at hand, and, please, keep him always safe. Help me to find my path with work, too, please. Make my next step always clear. Grant us both ease in our trust in you. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Back to school

Tomorrow is the first day back at school for the Spring semester! I’m simultaneously chill and stressed. I basically have to create my entire two lessons in the morning before I have class. And I need to sit in on first period with the paternity leave sub, just to support and also to share how I sit in on the class regularly. So, that’s an hour less time I’ll have for making lessons.

God, help me to be productive and efficient tomorrow, please. Help me to be a good teacher for my students, and a good support for my colleagues. Keep us safe, please. And thank you for my man. Please, heal my grandmother, give her physical strength, and giver her renewed mental strength. In your name, I pray in gratitude and trust. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Chaos

My cousin was sharing with me about her current stress load of not only packing up, mostly on her own, to move states, but also having to pay a bunch of yearly bills, repair a toilet thing that busted today in the current house they’re trying to sell soon, and manage it all with neither her nor her husband’s having employment the past six weeks or so. I shared with her genuinely that I have observed and experienced that, whenever we are transitioning to something better, we always have to have a time of chaos first. Something has to go awry in order the change the daily standards, so that something new can be set into place. When the new and better life isn’t compatible with the current one, something’s got to blow first. And that’s where they seem to be right now, right in the midst of the chaos.

I sometimes even feel that the chaos is also there for us to have a chance to show and to prove even to ourselves, as well as the universe, that we truly want the change, want the new thing. Whatever the case, though, the chaos always seems to come right before something beautiful settles in.

And then, not even an hour after my saying all that, we began even more of our own readjusting in life, our own chaos: My man was ‘severed’ from his job. He was planning to quit already, as he has hated the new job after the new company’d taken over. He also half-expected to be let go, anyway, in the near future. He had just hoped to find another job first. That, however, didn’t happen. And the company that has been pretty crap to his whole department genuinely gave hypocritical reasons for his dismissal – that’s the part that actually upsets me, because they’ve been such hypocrites, and that is something I just can’t seem to stand(!!!!!!!!!!) – and acted like they were being super generous by providing him with a small severance package of money only (because this state doesn’t require severance packages, even though common decency does).

Ugh. I just hate hypocrisy. Seriously… ugh(!).

Anyway, we’ll sort through the muck and find the right path. Obviously, this was a perfect time in terms of getting wedding stuff sorted out, as well as his being able to have a rest from the terrible job leading up to our wedding. It also means my man gets to go with us for a site visit tomorrow for our reception venue, which he had been disappointed yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to do because of his work schedule. Plus, it’ll let him get started with his flight program – ironically and perfectly which started today with orientation – without having to mess with the crap job all day every day, and see what kind of job he actually does want to have while in the program. It isn’t the best financially for us, but I think it is best mentally for us both. And, if we keep to God’s calling, I believe the money will follow. It always seems to do so.

Thank you, God, for this difficult blessing today. Help us to use it effectively to pursue and fulfill your will, sharing your love fully through our lives. Help us to let go of the automatic reaction with one another toward anger and frustration, and to hear each other openly and lovingly. Heal where healing is needed, please, especially now. Thank you for this life. Please, make clear the next step for each of us, both now and always. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Sleep, at last

I stayed at school today to work. I waited to work out, because I was able to be productive during last period. And then I kept being productive… until I finished with everything. Exams are done and ready and sent off for approval. All grading has been completed, even the late grades. When I finally finished at nearly 8pm, I was done. Time to go home and go to bed without dinner.

Actually, I had the final breakfast taco and a few bites of pumpkin pie as dinner. But still. Barely ate that, I was so tired already.

I’m really glad I got the work done – my brain and nerves needed it. I feel such immense relief now, and I can also show all the essay stuff to students tomorrow, which they’ll appreciate greatly, I’m sure. (Most of them, anyway!)

But I’ll have to do a workout Saturday or Sunday, or do two tomorrow to make up… so, we’ll see… 😛

Dear God, thank you for the Christmas lights going up tonight. Thank you for my home. Thank you for my man. Thank you for my job. Help me to do well by them all, please. And by you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Over the Saturday morning work

I love Saturday mornings. But part of that love’s foundation is in the fact that I get to choose how to spend my Saturday mornings. I can be up early and exercise or do things on my own or with family or friends, or I can sleep in after a late night of fun the night before or just lounge through the morning, moving from the bed, eventually, to the sofa… But I get to choose how I see myself most enjoying the morning each time…

Except when I have to work. Every time I have had work on a Saturday, I have been stressed and annoyed, even if just a little. I dislike doing it. When I proctor these tests, I have to get up earlier than even when I go to school during the week. And, right now, that doesn’t work too well for me. I’ve been on a mix between my man’s time and my own, meaning I get to sleep later than I want, and so have to stay in bed an extra couple hours past when I naturally wake most days.

Ugh… and then I have to sit there all morning being vigilant while the students take this ridiculous test that they’ve been taught specifically by the company now how to take… nonsense… just nonsense.

Anyway… I’m exhausted and going to sleep now.

God, grant me restful sleep, please. Thank you for the financial compensation tomorrow’s work offers to me. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Discussion

We started going through some question and answer things together tonight, and actually discussing some of it… and I feel so satisfied by the conversation as a whole, so accomplished, satiated… satisfied not as in proved right, but as in filled, whole. I have been wanting to do just this for so long, and we are finally doing it clearly and intentionally, and it is wonderful. We both are learning, I think, both about each other and about how to discuss different things effectively with one another, and both are extremely valuable in any relationship. So, I go to sleep incredibly grateful tonight.

Thank you, God, and thank you, my man, for the communication, the willingness, and the love involved in it all. Thank you, God, for this life. Please, make clear our next steps always in pursuing and fulfilling your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. In class today, we started discussing jobs and work and careers and crafts. (This is French class.) At the end of class, we started reading together an article on the Japanese concept of ikigai. (If you don’t know it, look it up, because it is really cool.) Tonight, as I looked at my memories on Facebook, I crossed a post from this day seven years ago talking about how I had just discovered the Japanese term ikigai and that it was an awesome addition to my vocabulary. How fun! 😛

Well, then…

I did not exercise today. I got a decent amount of work done instead, because I had forgotten that I was subbing during my off time today (which was when I had planned to exercise, you see). I also got to be extremely productive at the end of the school day, because the bookshelf I have been awaiting (technically since the first week of school, but I found this shelf myself two days ago) was moved across campus and delivered into my office today while I was in class). So, rearranging was necessary.

I got the study desk (think of a desk with sides that go upward like blinders for taking tests, because that’s what it was made to do) out of my office and into the common space, which might actually prove useful for all the teachers in my office suite, now, as we have kids constantly having to take tests and quizzes just in the open area with folks walking past them and around them the whole time. I then moved almost everything else around until I found an organization that I seemed to like. I had a small blip with the phone and desktop, as an internet outlet that should work doesn’t. But I found a way to swap out cables, and it resolved a dangling cable that used to drive me nuts as well as the phone’s having to be right next to my desk. (We’re more of an e-mail school than phone call one, you see, so I rarely use the phone in my office. Phones in the classrooms are more used than the office ones, as that’s how kids get pulled out of class for this or that.)

Anyway, I had some blips and re-shifting and such, but I was happy with the final result. To top it off, just as I was doing final touches, a co-worker walked by and almost immediately commented on how “awesome” and “bad-ass” my office was. Not a bad improvement from being merely a “large closet cave”. It still has no windows to the outside and no great overhead lighting, but the furniture arrangement and lamp make all the difference. Oh, and not having piles of stuff all over the floor anymore, now that I have hanging filing folders (arrived end of last week) and a bookshelf.

Thank you, God, for the blessings in my life, and thank you, especially, for the relief this office arrangement has provided. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023