Month: June 2017

A philosopher for the moment

Today, I did some fun things including showing up my friend at children’s games, but I don’t feel like sharing about that right now.  I feel like being philosophical, ponderous… something like that.  And yet, here I lie with almost no thoughts, no words in mind or even on their way.  I am listening to the guitar upstairs, and what sounds like company sharing in the music for once (it is Saturday night, after all).  I am somewhat worried about the next couple months, specifically regarding how they will unfold.  I fear regrets, especially for after I have left this country, and am back living in my own.  I fear my being wonderful and amazingly successful in my endeavors once I’m back there.  I fear letting go of my endeavors in exchange for something safe.  I fear not becoming myself, not being myself once I am back there in a seemingly unchanged world as an incredibly changed person.  Someone told us to take a picture of ourselves before we begin this time in Japan.  I had forgotten to do that before leaving home, but I took a picture in the elevator on my way down to our very first meeting on my first day of orientation here.  I wonder what I will see different in my final photo as I say goodbye to this place.  I know that the two people in the photos are similar, however, they are in no way the same.  I loved and still do love who the former person was, and I do not want to become her again.  

These are things that are sitting in my being right now.  If you would have asked me before I wrote this, what I was thinking, I couldn’t have told you.  But now, as I have written this, I can see clearly that this is what was resting in my mind, in my heart, in my bones and flesh and breath… in fact, somewhat restricting my breath…, and that that is why I do not care to share the joys of today, but feel myself to be of a philosophical persuasion at present.  I could have lived with the greats right now.
Post-a-day 2017 

Falling asleep

I’m lying in my bed, eyes closed, head on pillow, lamp on, and I am snuggling my stuffed animal (it’s a dog) and holding my phone, which is illuminated and plugged into the wall.  A blank page awaits me, and sleep just barely evades me.  What do I write tonight?  What is it that people need to read, or just want to read?  What is it that I need to express?  What is ready to come out of me for now and forever?

Sometimes, answering these questions is all too easy, and I almost don’t even have to ask them.  And other times, I can barely even ask them, for lack of an answer for any of them.  Sometimes, what needs to come out of me, I am unwilling to let go at the present moment.  And sometimes, what others want to read, I do not have to share (currently, anyway).  A friend told me that she wanted me to write a book about my life, and that she would be an avid reader if I wrote it.  This is something said by one person.  And yet, it is a driving force behind my dedication to writing daily – if I am to write a book, I wanted to be comfortable and easy writing constantly.

As it is, it is easy for me to write, and even to find plenty of topics about which I want to write.  My only struggle however comes in with timing.  When do I most have time to write currently?  At least, when do I most have time to write, as well as a comfort around me that creates the will to write?  Just before bed, when I’m at home and comfy and happy and at ease.  This means, on most days, anyway, that I am exhausted by the time it is time to pick a topic for writing.  Therefore, I often go for whatever topic will be shorter to share.  And how unfair is that?  I realize the shorter topic is no less important than the longer.  It is merely that the longer stories almost never have a chance.  It also means that I have a significantly higher rate of error in my writings, in part due to my sleepiness and lack of clear vision, and often in part due to the fact that I use speech recognition to write, as though I am simply telling a story with verbal punctuation in it.  Occasionally, speech recognition doesn’t quite capture what I am actually saying in my slightly mumbled and slurred state of sleepiness.  Sometimes, however, I kind of just don’t make any sense in the first place, and speech recognition has almost nothing to do with the resulting semi-nonsense.

Anyway, … that’s tonight.  Goodnight and good morning.

Peace

Post-a-day 2017

How to write

How beautiful is this quote?  I’m not sure if I spelled it all correctly, as I wrote it as I listened to the audiobook, and have therefore never seen how the names are spelled.  Nonetheless, I find the idea beautiful.  They were discussing Shakespeare.  (Helmholz had decided he wanted to go somewhere dreary to live, so that he could write better.)


Post-a-day 2017 

Note to self

I have this sticky note on my desk.  It’s not exactly positive, but it somehow encourages me.  I don’t remember when I wrote it, and I only somewhat remember writing it.  However, I mostly remember where I was mentally when I wrote it.

I was lost and depressed and stressed and unhappy, and I knew that I was going to stay in this current job to the end of my contract (this coming July).  I was concerned with my future, in terms of career, of who I want to be and the lifestyle I want to have, and in terms of potential partnership in my life (think “husband”).  And all I knew for sure was that my life was (and still is) here right now, in Japan and in this job.  There is something for me here for now.  When the something has been reached, I will move elsewhere, but not before then and not after then.  

And though I wrote this note months ago, it still applies and still rings true – it even gives me hope and inspiration for my future and my present both, despite its sounding so sad every time I hear myself read it in my head.  I think that I recall the pain that was present when I wrote the note, and I feel a connection, a sort of bond, with that person who wrote it.  I know that person was still I, but it was a different I from who I am now.  We still have that link of utter distaste in our mouths at being in this job and circumstance, though, and that is a powerful bond between us.  We work together through this bond to encourage one another to persevere – you can do it, and so can you.

It reads:

Also, bleib ich einfach

warte

“And so, I’ll just stay, wait”
And I do.
Post-a-day 2017

a day for rest

Sometimes, I just have to accept that my day’s productivity will consist of mental and physical rejuvenation (e.g. resting around all day), as opposed to standard ideas of ‘being productive’.  There can be a hundred things I want to accomplish on a day off of work.  However, if that day comes at the end of a long stream of busy, filled, tiring work days, then I might just need to postpone all 100 tasks.  Otherwise, I won’t even make it through the day.

I want a lifestyle where I balance out these tasks and this rest in a beautiful, perfect combination of activity and rejuvenation.  I think there is true value in having a day of rest in every week.  The religions really got that one right.  No joke, yo.
Post-a-day 2017

Picking leaves and drinking them

I have discovered a blessing of a drink.  It is rosemary tea.  Just steep fresh rosemary in hot water for three minutes, then pour it into a cup with honey, and enjoy it.  To me, it feels like a medicinal experience, like something that heals me when I am feeling ill.  Therefore, it brings up my spirits even more than regular tea, making the experience with it even better than just a good flavor.  And, thanks to my neighborhood having an odd abundance of rosemary, I can have this tea regularly and often.  🙂  So, yay!  And yes, I do thank the neighbors and their plants for the kind donation to my good mental and physical health. 
Post-a-day 2017

Tears for Art

Today, I cried a decent number of times.  I was exhausted, and still am (Therefore, I will keep this short.).  However, I only want to reference one of the cryings right now.

A student gave me her small piece of art today, after I complimented it to her.  As I was gazing at my newly acquired work of art, looking into the face of the person in it, I noticed that tears were starting to brim, and there was nothing to be done about it.  It was beautiful, and I was responding in a way I usually do not respond to beauty, though understand and accept fully.

Now, I want that student to do a portrait of me, color and all.
Post-a-day 2017

No!Drug!

I see various posters and signs and advertisements all over the place here regarding drugs (and even “drags”), and almost every single one seems to have something about it that portrays the idea of promoting, as opposed to opposing, drugs.  

The natural phrasing seems to be, “No, don’t do that.  Do this.”  And so, we have the natural adjustment in my brain of, “No!  Drug!” to, “No, don’t do that!  Do drugs!” or, “No, don’t do that!  Drug!”  (And then, is it meaning yourself or others?)

I know that I am silly.  This in no way changes that I am using legitimate logic here, and these posters are kind of hilarious.  😛
Post-a-day 2017

Poetry, I suppose

An aimless wandering does my life seem to be at present,
with no alteration in sight.
More of the same, and more of the same…
Everything is the same.

Except that I feel different from the rest,
and as though I am not meant to stay here
with this flowing, owing, wandering world.

I move differently, indeed,
but it is not enough – I know it is not.
I am still here, aimlessly wandering,
waiting…
for something, for someone, for me?
I can feel that it is almost time to go,
and I haven’t the slightest idea where that means.
But go I shall.
That I know.
And then I’ll know.

 

Post-a-day 2017