Month: June 2023

Lacking a goal

Lacking a goal can be one of the toughest times. I found a great one to have today, and I accomplished much and was very grateful for the accomplishments. Tomorrow shall be another such day in which I must create a specific goal, for I presently have none, and it is already becoming difficult.

Sure, I have the long-term goals. But I am at a small get significant crossroads right now. Perhaps this is the perfect time for me to do the things I’ve been putting off. (Meaning that it definitely is the time for that! Haha)

God, help me, please, to be my best self and to pursue and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good book

Have you ever avoided finishing a book, because you were enjoying the book so much, you weren’t ready to finish the story of the world within it? Even if you know the ending will be great, just as the book has been great so far, you resist finishing it, so as to live that much longer in the joy of reading the book, being in the middle of such a great story. Ever had that?

I have. I once had it for over a decade, actually, though that was, by far, the longest. It was the last book of a series I had been loving for years. It just wasn’t ready for it all to be over, you know? For there not to be anything else to look forward to reading… Though, by the time I went back to that book, I actually had no idea who several of the characters were and what was going on anywhere near where my bookmark had been. Even when I restarted the book itself, I was lost. It was too important a series to start off the final book confused. So, I then re-read the whole series up to that point, and finally finished the final book 11 years after I’d begun it. It was great, to be sure. But it was also worth waiting those 11 years of anticipation.

Today, I had a similar feeling for a book I had already read – I just wasn’t ready to finish it. However, the feeling wasn’t nearly as strong as that series’s one had been, as I picked ip the book and finished it later this afternoon. But that waiting period still felt great. 🙂

Anyway, happy reading!

Thank you, God, for wonderful books and for reading and knowledge! Amen!

Post-a-day 2023

Greatness

My grandmother lives in an old folks home. I recently visited her. After the second day, I realized that there’s an old lady there who goes around giving ice cold cans of Dr. Pepper to various people throughout the day. Always smiling. It’s incredibly adorable.

And it seems to be the same people each day, making it even more adorable, somehow. How ridiculously sweet and utterly silly?! I love it and it brings me such wonderful joy.

Dear God, thank you for the blessing of getting to witness that Dr. Pepper lady spreading joy so beautifully. Thank you. And thank you for the fun of Dr. Pepper itself, too. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Old crap

(Forgive the language, please a it just seemed quite appropriately used here.)

There’s a lot of junk that comes with getting old. I don’t merely mean old-er. I mean old. There are lots of little hassles and troubles involved with getting older, with aging as a whole. But getting old has a uniquely stressful aspect: As the body and mind age, they often tend to revert towards babyhood, and adults are not prepared to take care of a 90-year-old toddler who not only can make others believe he is competent and allowed to be out alone, but can get out alone the moment a back is turned or a corner is rounded.

At some point, when ZK was still on my childhood, I was talking with my dad about the idea of grown kids wiping their parents’ butts as the parents grew too old to do it themselves. I asked him if he expected us to wipe his butt one day. He, quite seriously, said he absolutely did not expect it. I was surprised. He said he expected us to hire someone else to do it. I was even more shocked. You wouldn’t want your own family to care for you? And his answer was a firm, confident, and clear, ‘No.’

I didn’t understand it back then, not really. He had said something about hatred or resentment, but it didn’t make sense to me. After seeing the struggle with someone in my own family lately, and now having to deal with it firsthand myself, I understand what my dad had meant. He didn’t want us to resent him int he final years of his life. He wanted us to be able to love him and be happy with him in those years. Yes, it is very loving to care physically for someone, but it isn’t always happy or easy doing that. There can be a massive buildup of very negative memories in that relationship right at the very end of the old person’s life, leaving the younger person grateful of the death and, necessarily, then feeling horrible for being relieved and glad for it.

It is hard dealing with an old, sick person. Getting almost no sleep in order to help with constant bathroom wake-ups throughout the night, cleaning up bodily filth that ended up all over clothes and the floor and almost none in the toilet, forcing down medicines or vitamins or healthy foods or water just to help heal an illness or relieve the pains, changing a diaper on a fully grown person who resists it, despite having just walked around half-naked in public and not knowing it… that and so much more is very hard to handle. What’s harder is handling it all and not, in some way, resenting the person for whom one is doing it all. It’s so hard not to take it personally, especially when that person yells at you for who knows what…

So, I get it. I wouldn’t want my kids to have their final memories of and with me be ones of near-constant frustration and anger and heartbreak. Having and unrelated person come in to take care of the old person goes much further than one might think, for all members of the family. I never would have thought that before doing it myself, seeing it happen myself, twice now. And I am all the more grateful for the people in this world who do choose to take up that role in society. Those caretakers make more than a little difference. They don’t just do the grunt work or the dirty work of the situation. They can truly heal the situation. They completely transform what likely would have happened without them, and all the relationships involved for the better.

Thank you, all you who take care of the old people for their families. You help more than you could know.

Thank you, God, for these people.

Post-a-day 2023

Service

Sometimes, we get the honor of biting the bullet and being of service, especially in situations where we know we really don’t want to do it.

Like really don’t want to do it…

But are those not the times that God is, basically, giving us the stink eye, waiting for us to gtf over it, give up being comfortable or within our comfort zone, and do the right thing? It often feels that way, doesn’t it?? That feeling of super judgement – lovingly done, of course – until we give up and just do it, right?? Haha

Post-a-day 2023

Returning

I’ve worked out normally again for the past three days, and it has been marvelous. I have been so sore that I moan and groan every time I go to sit on the toilet or bend over. My hamstrings in particular are shaking like they haven’t in a long, long time. It is much like when we first started working out – and that same friend is doing the sprite with me now – and it is amazing. We both are hurting in such a good way, and it feels oh-so-good to be back.

And it feels like I’m actually being myself again, which makes it all the better.

Thank you, God. And thank you, friend. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Nightmares

My nightmares used to involve my being attacked in some way or another – someone was after me, and I was having to fight for my life.

Now, however, they all involve, in some form, my having to go without my man, his having been lost to me by force somehow.

And that’s been the case ever since I met him. I guess it’s kind of simple: These dreams God had given me for a partner and husband and family in my life were finally coming true… Now, my greatest fear is no longer to lose my own life, but to lose the life I’d get to live with him.

So, I guess the fear hasn’t changed – it’s still about losing my life. But the version that I see of my life has altered drastically.

Oh, God, heal me, please, of these fears. Help me to sleep well at night, free from these visions, and help me, also to live with a true ease and comfort that you are holding us both in your hands and you are keeping us safe and happy and healthy and holy for this life you have offered to us to live and fulfill together, with and through you. Thank you for this opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So far, so right

I got an interview today. It was short and sweet and to the point, and I very much enjoyed it. It seems to have gone well. We shall see what comes next.

But I know things would have been different for me today with this interview if I hadn’t stood my ground yesterday (and, possibly, earlier this week).

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust in you. Please, continue to do so – continue to make it clear for me which way you are calling me in each moment. Help me to pursue you and your will as also my own. Help me to love and to be loved, with and through you always. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. I really would like to get this job, just so we’re all clear.

Pulled

God is calling me, encouraging me to take a stand, yet something, too – the devil, perhaps? – is pulling me to feel guilty at this desire to stand for myself, to stand my ground, to stick with what feels right, though it may seem selfish at a glance.

I cannot explain it any other way right now, but it feels like God is calling me to be here right now.

Ironically, I was just sharing Sunday how I’ve determined that I need to trust wholly whatever call I feel from God right now, as that will lead me to where I need to be. And now, mere days later, I am having to do just that in a very difficult way, and I almost didn’t stand up for it.

Post-a-day 2023