Some people fantasize about being rich or indulging in fancy yet unhealthy foods or about diving into physical or sexual acts.
Actually, that probably covers most people…
Anyway, about what do I fantasize, pray tell?
I fantasize about not having to brush and floss my teeth before bed.
To each his own, you know? 🤷🏻♂️
Post-a-day 2023
I shared last night my recent stresses about getting out with my man. It has grown increasingly difficult to get myself to go anywhere that isn’t absolutely necessary. I already had the touch of depression, then my hormones and such got a little more off than usual. Add to those the stress about money, and we have an effective recipe for my sort of agoraphobia to pop back up.
Granted, it has come in tiny waves the past few years, popping up in little bitty sports here and there. But it always settles back down and disappears into the sand after a couple weeks at most, and it never gets very bad in the first place.
But this has been different. It has been increasing steadily the past several weeks or so. I almost didn’t notice at first that it was stronger than usual, because I normally adjust my ways and it goes away. So, I don’t have to out much thought into it. By the time I paid it closer attention, it had progressed significantly.
And it isn’t that I’m afraid to go out and be around people. It’s that the idea of leaving the house and going somewhere that isn’t necessary seems a nearly-insurmountable task. And, when I consider surmounting it, I come close to breaking down and crying, feeling utterly inadequate, and just wanting to cuddle up into a blanket and someone’s arms (preferably my man’s) on the sofa and slowly fall asleep.
So, I told all this to my man last night. I was embarrassed to tell him, and even more so because I had waited so long to say anything to him. Clearly, I have been having an increasing issue, but I haven’t wanted to share about it, because I had felt like he would be mad at me, or maybe just even more frustrated at my stupid OCD-related crap… because my whole thing is that I’m not worth it, and this would be one more reason to hand him that would show how very much I am not worth it… Likely that is the real reason I didn’t say a word about it, though I never put much thought or conscious intention into not telling him.
Nonetheless, I told him. And I was sad and ashamed. And he said that he was okay. And I cried very hard.
And then I felt better. By the time I woke up today, definitely not rested enough, due to the crappy sleep thing right now and waking up constantly for the second half of each night, I felt loads better. I dealt with a lot of crap at school today, and then had no struggle heading to volunteering. I hung out there afterward a bit, then headed to Costco for gas and groceries for my man, forgot about Costco, because I was on the phone with my man, and went home to see my man before he went to the gym. When I was down the street, he asked what I was doing, because I was supposed to be at Costco. Oops. I would give him a kiss, then, and then go. And the next part was awesome, in its way.
He said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to go back out, if I came home first. I thought about it, and I realized that I was totally okay and that I would have no issue getting back out. I was grateful for that feeling. But I also was grateful that we had been able to discuss it clearly and honestly. I think that alone could have helped me tonight, had I needed the help to get back out. Though I didn’t need it tonight, this opportunity to discuss my struggles openly together could prove to be immensely helpful in the future.
And I am incredibly grateful.
Thank you, God, for guiding me to share last night. And thank you for this man. He is such a beautiful piece of your Creation, and an absolute blessing to me (not to mention the perfect kind of thorn in my side [or is it a rib, in fact, and we just never realized it?]). Thank you. Help us sleep well at night, please. Heal us all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Originally, I was really excited about this weekend. But, now that it is here, I’m so not ready for it… I kind of don’t want to do it. That just shows how darn exhausted I still am.
God, give me the rest tonight and tomorrow and the energy to do well all of the volunteering I have this weekend, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Sometimes, it feels like God is calling me in a certain direction, yet the world seems to be setting itself against my going in that direction. And sometimes, it feels like I am being offered a choice between two seemingly similar yet extremely different directions, and I truly cannot tell which is the one God is asking, recommending, calling me to pursue.
And sometimes, it’s both at the same time.
God, help me, please, to see clearly your will for me and my family and our life. Help me to see this next step clearly and to pursue and fulfill it with comfort, ease, and confidence in your guidance and will and love. Thank you for this life. Please, help me to live it at my best possible. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
Tonight, we finished watching Top Gun: Maverick… again.
We started it the other night, and stopped about halfway through to use the bathroom, and decided it was smartest to go to sleep immediately. So, we did the second half tonight.
And I was almost ready to hit start all over again once it ended.
This movie is just that great. And knowing how much of it was true flying, actually filmed in jets and all that jazz makes it all the better. Just such a good film. I really love it.
Thank you, God, for the blessing of wonderful art, especially wonderful films. In your name, I pray in gratitude. Amen! ❤
Post-a-day 2023
I forwarded an e-mail to my man, asking if he wanted to go for the special $1 wings day at his preferred wing place, Pluckers, next week. I told him that I get out of school early, so we could go during his lunch break. His response?
“Woohoo, yeah!I was gonna ask you about it!”
Not even a space between the sentences, he was so excited. 😛
I love this man.
Post-a-day 2023
We went to the world premier of an opera today. It was called Intelligence, and was composed by Jake Heggie, with libretto by Gene Scheer. Also part of the team, directing and choreographing for her first time on an opera, was Jawole Willa Jo Zollar.
Now, a friend had originally scheduled to attend with us, but had to cancel due to a scheduling issue. So, someone else went with us at the last minute. The replacement person was truly delighted by the show, so we were really glad he was able to attend with us.
Not long after the show had ended, however, I got a message from the first friend, “How was it!?” (He could hardly stand that he hadn’t made it, and was already figuring out when he could get a ticket to go on his own later this week.)
My responses, in order:
It was cool
Very American opera
Haha
It was kind of weird in terms of flow, but I believe that was kind of the point
Cool how it’s based on a true story
Seeing how these two women significantly helped end the war
It was a cool combination of time period and cultures
But also totally an American opera, through and through 😂
I didn’t even have to explain myself, and I’m pretty sure he got it. Because, even though opera is opera, the old European opera is definitely a different animal from the modern American opera.
The friend’s response?
“Love that”. 😛
Opera nerds.
Post-a-day 2023
Tonight, I’m going to bed in – and, hopefully, sleeping in – the living room. I got this older Tempur-pedic bed, and I’m going to test it out on the proper box base. I hope it is clear to us which bed is right for us to keep. It’s stilly having a queen size mattress (and box frame) in the living room. But we also kind of really like it…
Just not something we ought to grow accustomed to having, I’d guess. Don’t need to turn into lazy bums or anything, here.
Dear God, please, help us see clearly what to do about these mattresses. Help us to sleep well tonight and every night. In your name, I pray. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
My mom came across a load of milk crates being thrown away, and brought us five or so of them. We don’t have an official use for them, of course, but we both grew up using them for any and all outside applicable uses, and two that we had recently had broken. No, I don’t remember why we use them beyond as step-stools and seats, but I know we have been a bit hassled at not having those two anymore lately.
So, we got new crates.
Tonight, we used a few of them for the first time. ‘How?’ you may wonder. For the chickens.
Yes, one was a stool inside the coop for my man to sit upon while administering the medicine (for the mites, recall, second round of treatment). Two others, however, I used to catch chickens. It’s much easier than grabbing them with hands, when they decide they want to run instead of submit, that is. Funnily enough, one got trapped immediately, right by the coop door, and we actually forgot all about it for a bit, because it sat so quietly under the black crate at night, with no light on it. My man trapped the very skittish chicken under a crate, only for me to see the chicken walking around casually a minute and a half later.
‘Honey, who is Blackie walking around?’ Because it was one of the old crates, and it had a massive hole in one side. She had merely walked right out after he’d set it on top of her. 😛
But we got it right for the others. Drop the crate over one, and then nab the one next to it that submitted. Administer medicine. Return them to their sleeping quarters. It actually went on rather well, despite the debacle it was to start, wings flapping like crazy and diatomaceous earth poofing all about. In the end, we got them all treated and back I to their sleeping area, and we didn’t forget any under crates in the dark.
Post-a-day 2023
While I do enjoy watching a good – me sing active and well-played – baseball game, I certainly am not into it like the average person who watches professional sports is. I do not have a strong association with this group of people who are not from my town or neighborhood, often, even, country, and who are here merely to play a sport. I find nothing wrong with their doing that. But I only would have immense interest in their games if they were people either who came from the same exact background as I did, or if they were people I knew personally.
For example, when the hockey team plays well at school, I am very proud of them. I go willingly to their games. Why? Not just because they are at my school, but because I know several of the players. Same for cross country. Yet it changes every year. I once cared a lot about the football games, because my students played in them. This year, not a single one plays football, and I haven’t made it to more than about twenty minutes or so of the first game of the season. I don’t know the players this year. But I do know members of the hockey and cross country and water polo teams, and so I watch their season with interest and enjoy attending their events when I can.
Anyway, all this is to say that, though I don’t exactly go wild for watching professional baseball, I really do enjoy the part where it often brings family and friends together just to sit around and be together for several hours at a time. It is truly a great pastime, and I appreciate and am grateful for it.
(And I still don’t support people being angry or mean in any way regarding sports rivalries. Not a chance. Grow up. Be a kind human being. Period. Support your team, and stop being nasty to others just because you support one team in particular and they don’t.)
Okay, and the nerd part is that I got an A on my Mandarin oral quiz! And I didn’t even have the full amount of time to prepare for it. So, extra-cool! Yay!
Thank you, God, for my success and for this opportunity. In your name, I pray in gratitude. Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
hannah ananas 