Tag: crazy

Action

Today, I woke up after close to 11 and a half hours of sleep. I took some time to consider things, then got to work. I did only a few things at the house today, but they made a big difference in terms of creating easier forward motion with things this week. I have the week off school, and I want to get our house in order. We have some simple but major changes we’d like to put into place, and this week is a big chance to get all of that started.

So, I swapped a dresser in the bedroom today. Tomorrow, I have a rodeo shift and will get almost nothing done at home. Likely, I will create more mess by using dishes and eating food just before I pass out tomorrow night.

Clean up office: Clear out shelf by desk; remove shelf
Find bookshelf options for 'library' feel
Fold laundry and find where it all will live going forward
Vacuum everywhere
Mop floors
Tidy up the stuff left out in the living room from our trip
Tidy up and restore order to the guest room

That may not seem like much, but it is loads. I have a lot of work I want to accomplish this week. Even half of any of these would be massive progress, so I will give myself grace on it all. My big goal is to accomplish all of it. However, even doing one of these fully and another in part will be a valuable accomplishment for me.

So, let’s see how it all goes!

God, help me to serve you this week especially though caring for my home and family. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Shift three

Today was our third shift of four. It started at 6:30am and finished around 3:30pm. I didn’t go to bed terribly late last night, but I didn’t sleep very well. I got home at nearly five PM and have had to force myself to stay up until now, seven PM. But I might need food still. I’ll go see what I can find quickly, then brush my teeth and pass out for the night.

Thank you for rest, God. Keep my man safe, please, and me and my family, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Rodeo

I love volunteering with the rodeo. But things I love can become things I dread when I don’t get enough sleep. And that is somewhat the case today. I still love the rodeo and doing our shifts, but I found myself feeling worn out by the one committee and not being interested in our shift tomorrow morning, let alone the fact that we have another on Monday. I noticed that I could hardly wait to be done with the Monday shift, so I could be done with all my shifts for the year.

I think I’m just worn out in general.

Yes, from rodeo, but only in part. Mostly from work, I think. I have to strike a balance between doing all the stuff I really want to do for my students and what I’m actually being paid to do for my students – hint-hint: I’m paid roughly half a regular teacher’s salary this year, since the previous teacher quit right before school started – as well as between the two possibilities of whether I will be offered the position for real for next year or not, which determines whether I’m doing things one way now in preparation for next year or in preparation for leaving. And it’s a lot mentally, especially on top of all the regular stress of teaching I have in the first place. And on top of those caddy and rude girls in class… that, too.

And my sleep schedule has been wrong for me. I think I need to be absurd to society and go back to an 8:30pm bedtime. Lights out, goodnight. My body wants to be up before five AM, and I need to give it sleep when it will allow itself to sleep best, so that I can be my best.

Anyway, going to bed now, totally worn out but grateful to have had a delicious steak for dinner earlier.

Thank you, God, for my husband and our home. Please, help us both to be our best selves each day and night, always growing closer to each other and you. Keep us safe, please, and thank you for our food today especially. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Being of service

Today, there was much setting up done on the rodeo grounds here in Houston. I was volunteering for one of my committees. There were many times I could have left, but I stayed and worked more. I had hopes of getting something specific accomplished before leaving, but that didn’t happen. As I said to my husband on my way out, the true point of my being there was to be of service, and I was very much of service – I accomplished and helped loads. Though I was a bit sad and disappointed not to have achieved this one particular thing, and so have a tendency to be sad and disappointed about the whole day, I notice that I was actually very fulfilled every time I got to accomplish something for someone else. That is, I felt fulfillment in being of service.

Perhaps this is a big guide for me in life. In all that I do, I find true joy in making a difference for others.

Then again, there is also the thought that the reason I want to be of service is so that I become invaluable and thereby worthy of being loved.

However…

I once functioned that way. If I wasn’t being of service, I became somewhat stressed and panicked. I had to be of service. Because that was my unconscious way of guaranteeing love for myself. Once I saw that, though, I was able to do something about it.

When I am not of service now, I am not panicked. I do want to be of service. But I want to be of service. It is not longer a sort of necessity or obligation for me. It is something I can want freely, and do. And, when I am of service now, I find joy in sharing love. When I walk away from it, I am not crushed it is over or wonder if it was enough and if something will come along soon enough next… I just get to be happy about the service I gave.

So, that’s cool. I’m not sure I had really thought about that in recent years. And I may not have explained it well here, but the difference is massive to me, transformational, from back then to now. I love to serve, and I get to serve freely now. And I do it. And I love it. And I’m grateful for that.

I’m still bugged I didn’t handle what I had hoped to get done today (even though I did accomplish something very useful for myself and for many on my other rodeo team, which wasn’t expected for today), but I guess that’s okay. I didn’t speak up about what I wanted – I was embarrassed and opted not to ask. Okay, got it. Space for improvement next time. But I kept my integrity, which is more important to me than getting stopped by embarrassment on something that isn’t critical on any level. I’ve been working on speaking up, though, so I am still frustrated with myself. And it’s okay to be frustrated with myself. It’s part of my process of growing. I had a breakdown. Therefore, I now can have a breakthrough.

Work on the courage, babe. And, also, acknowledge when it feels greedy, and get clear on everything. Perhaps you need only share your concern of its being greedy to ask, and that will communicate clearly that you understand if the answer is no to the request. That’s okay. And it’s okay that you failed at this today. I’m still proud of you for keeping your integrity and for letting go of control many times today, especially considering that it often meant things being done less efficiently. Some people can only give certain service. Sometimes, being of service means letting people do things an inefficient way, so that they can contribute, too.

Thank you, God, for today. Thank you for the lessons of today. Thank you for my husband. I love him and am grateful for him constantly. Keeps us safe, please, and help us always to be our best selves through you, pursuing and fulfilling your will in our lives. Thank you. I love you, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Marriage

I love being married. And I love specifically being married to my husband.

It’s just a wonderful thing to be able finally to live a part of life we have longed to live, to be husband and wife, together in all ways, and blessed by God.

Thank you, God. Keep us safe, please, and help us always to pursue and fulfill your will as we work to be our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Kids

I spoke with the dean today and got support on how to proceed with the kid who has been cheating throughout the year. His guidance was helpful by scores. It also helped to know that, should the conversation not go well, we had a clear plan of proving the cheating and then, if it continued, withholding the grade for the class as a whole, since the student hadn’t actually earned one by doing her own work.

When I spoke to the student after school, the conversation seemed to go really well for what it was. She admitted her lack of academic integrity, and helped me understand what was behind it all, where specifically and why she struggled in class. We talked through the class guidelines and agreements – to which she had agreed at the start of the year – and discussed how she could start following them again and how I and others could support her in doing that.

I had been very worried before the conversation. I didn’t know how to approach it without being pissed at her for doing this all year and for making me have to change all sorts of things just to be able to keep her from cheating, when it would have been better for everyone else another way. Because I was pissed at her.

I was also crushed that I had been such a bad teacher not to have addressed it at the start directly and looked to see how to help her start to participate and actually learn (instead of cheat) way back then.

And I think it was that idea that helped me get to the right place.

The whole reason we want them not to cheat is because they cheat themselves out of an education that way. She lost all this time for learning, because she cheated instead. And I was too afraid of making an enemy of her to call her out on it sooner. (To be fair, there were other bad behaviors from her and her group that took up a lot of my energy for class every time, so this was a minor concern over all of that stuff each day.)

Nonetheless, when I went to talk to her, I almost couldn’t speak. Then I just looked right at her, and I got it. She knew and I knew she had been cheating, and neither of us wanted this confrontation. In that moment, I was clear that I cared about her and was worried for her own fears and concerns. And I shared that with her.

I told her that I wanted to talk with her about her academic integrity in the class. I told her what I had been seeing, including specific dead-giveaways of her cheating at times. I didn’t give all the details, because I saw I didn’t need to give them. I told her I wanted to know what was going on for her in class that she was struggling so much – what specifically was so hard for her, because I want to work with her on that. I said other things that were God-givenly well said, though I don’t recall them now.

And she admitted that she was really having a lot of trouble in class. We talked about how she had done the year before, where she had excelled versus struggled, and why the transition to this class kind of hit her like a tank. I made it clear that she needs to follow the guidelines and requirements in class, specifically the number one rule of understanding every word, every time. It is their duty to stop me, to ask me to speak slower, to repeat, to give the meanings of unknown words… and it is my promise that I will do as they ask every single time. And I do. Her class, of course, is the worst at following this rule, which hasn’t helped her have the courage to speak up at all. And, of course, she is very shy, which only makes it harder for her to speak up and thereby admit she didn’t understand something that it seems like everyone else understood. I told her to have friends ask for her sometimes, if she gets especially nervous or feels like it’s too much in a single class. I told her the special secret that not everyone else does know what I’ve said half the time. She isn’t alone in her lack of understanding, and I’ll be having conversations with others on that topic, too.

I also told her that I want to help her and I want her to succeed. I will work with her both during class and outside of class, whatever support or explanation she may need. We are having this conversation because I care about her success.

And, though she looked very much by the end like she was hitting her limit and needed to leave quickly and cry her eyes out, it felt like there is a real chance she got it and understands that I actually do care. If I didn’t, I would have turned her into the dean directly – I had clear proof of her cheating long ago, and still had that proof to hand over at any second. Not something a student would want senior year, to be sure. But I didn’t turn that in to anyone. And she knows that. I just so hope that she will take seriously what we discussed and that I want her to succeed. I was very proud of her, especially because of how I know she has been struggling, when she recited her quiz thing almost perfectly after class today (it was to make up for a day she had been absent). I was genuinely delighted for her success. And maybe that played into finding the right words, too. Maybe that was how I truly was able to get present to my care for her.

Whatever the case, I am grateful I found the emotions and the words. I hope she got them fully and takes them to heart. I would love to see her succeed in this class the rest of the year. I also hope she doesn’t hate me, because it really does suck when a teenage girl hates you – trust me, I know – but that comes second to her success in class. Because my ultimate goal is to offer growth to the students. So, here’s to her newly impending growth in class! Cheers!

Thank you, God. Keep my husband safe, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Sleep, again

Sure enough, I didn’t sleep well last night. First half of the night seemed fine. But the second half was filled with either coughing or an inability to find physical comfort in my comfortable bed. I went to school today exhausted.

And I was kind of on edge all day. I took a nap for close to 15 minutes between classes this morning, but had to be on and going the whole rest of the day. I had wanted to do a quick workout right after school, but I was beyond myself. I just wanted to go home and shower and sleep. And, possibly, cry, too.

I had to deal with a lot of kids being upset that they got grades they had earned, mostly due to late submissions and not following instructions. I hate having to be so harsh with them, especially when they aren’t prepared emotionally for it. One kid is clearly an A student. His partner for a project is older and more of an A/B student who understands his own weaknesses. The older student messed up and turned in something wrong. The younger student didn’t confirm with the older that all was submitted correctly. They both lost points for it. The older student made a request that would get them some points back, understanding that he had messed up and the grade was a necessary result of that. The younger student was incapable of taking responsibility for his own role in the poor grade. (We’ll ignore the fact that the thing submitted was their first draft that I had forced them to change, because they would have done terribly as a whole with it only that way. If I’d said nothing in the first place, they wouldn’t have had a better version, and they both would be sad about the grade with equal fault feelings.) He just couldn’t be with the offering of the poor grade that had already been improved from the original poor grade. And I say “poor grade,” meaning it would go from a 60% to roughly an 80% (with the requests and concessions the older student had made). 80% wasn’t good enough for the younger student… but he didn’t do any of it right in the first place, and he didn’t play his part in making sure the fully updated version got submitted properly.

Frankly, the more I think on this, the more I feel he needs to deal with the mistake he made, to take responsibility as his partner did, and to accept the generous offer not only of my telling them to fix it before I graded it but of my offering to accept the fully updated one as a late grade. I don’t want to be mean, though. I do want them both to learn – that is the true point. I also know that this will not crush the grade for either of them in the class. It’s a minor project, and we grade rolling for the semester. So, it’ll count as almost nothing by the end of the semester. (Perhaps he is mostly worried about the quarter grade and making the A list, though… hmm…)

Anyway, I told them the grade they would have received on the updated project – I had offered to average the two grades, too, but he wouldn’t accept that either – and I told them to think on it and get back to me with their request/s. Officially, my job was done – I had graded what was submitted. If they want something different from that, it is on them to make the request. That’s fair, yes?

Fingers crossed that they come up with a just solution. I want them to learn and to grow from this, not be jerks forever afterward to each other or to me.

God, help me to see clearly how best to make a positive difference in my work each day. Thank you for my job and for my husband. Please, keep my husband always safe. In your name, I pray in gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Power outage

We decided to go to Galveston for the rest of the weekend, because Airbnb had some affordable places that normally cost loads more (likely because they weren’t rented already for the weekend, and today was Saturday already). Also, we wanted to take advantage of the extra time off work for me, and go spend some time together intentionally.

So, we came to Galveston. Just after we placed our meal orders for dinner, enjoying our appetizer of queso flameado, as well as the house frozen margarita that had just been placed on our table, the power went out.

It turned out that the whole portion of the island had lost power, and it didn’t seem like it was coming back too quickly. So, after about ten minutes, we had finished our queso and some final chips with salsa (not to mention that it was getting cold in there), and the rest of our food couldn’t be made until the power came back, since the oven wasn’t working. We decided to take our drinks to go, finished dinner at a gumbo place in another neighborhood, and headed home. Fortunately, as we had confirmed with the original outage look-up, the Airbnb was not part of the outage.

Funny bit, though, was that we sat at the bar for the gumbo place, and Wheel of Fortune was on. One of the puzzles was “Brief Power Outage”. We chucked at that one.

Anyway, we’re exhausted, so going to sleep just after nine right now. Goodnight!

Thank you, God, for our safety. Keep us safe and well and in your hands. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Ash Wednesday

Yesterday was Mardi Gras, also known in other states who know no French as Fat Tuesday. It is the day before Lent begins, the period of 40 days of meditation and fasting before the celebration of the coming of Christ, Easter. All the sugar and fat stores are meant to be used up on Mardi Gras, thus the name. This includes the idea that we will not be eating sugary or fatty things during Lent, even if they don’t come from one’s own making. The first day of Lent, as well as each Friday during it, is a day that specifically includes fasting and having no meat. That day is called Ash Wednesday. It is called so for that ashes are distributed to all, via a cross on the forehead, to remind us that we have come from dust and shall, one day, return to dust – we are the creations of God and will return to him after this life for eternal life. Ash Wednesday…

Ash Wednesday was today.

Today was also the feast of Saint Valentine, also known commercially as Valentine’s Day. It is a day filled with treats and commercialism and indulgence and, even, waste. It does not line up with the morals of Ash Wednesday… which was also today.

So, today was a bizarre Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday combination – one I haven’t known to happen previously in my life. Definitely interesting to have the solemn day land on and, therefore, trump the celebratory day.

But also interesting that, as someone noted today, “Lent” is right in the middle of “Valentine”, you could say at the heart of it… 😛

Interesting thought to have us reconsider how we want to do Valentine’s Day in the future, too.

Thank you, God, for your love and your creativity and your forgiveness and generosity. We love you. Keep us well, that we pursue and fulfill your will for us in our lives. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024