creating your future – hannah ananas

Dreams, then reality

As I’ve said before, dreams tend to take care of us – they find where we are emotionally unsettled from the day (or from even longer), and they aim to resolve those points for us while we sleep. We go to bed with suppressed angst, we have a torrid dream of seemingly disconnected and/or nonsensical events, throwing us through emotion after emotion, and then we wake up slightly shocked yet – whether we notice it or not – no longer quite so full of the angst of yesterday. It’s like how we are always told that we’ll feel better in the morning, or after a good night’s rest – our brain helps to heal us as we sleep, and dreams are the part of the healing that we, somewhat, are able to witness.

Last night, I had a long series of one of those dreams, and it was surprising how it was put together. However, it made perfect sense, after I considered it all for a little while today. I am physically attracted to this type of guy, but I am emotionally, psychologically, and mentally attracted to a very different type of guy. It is not the tall, dark, and handsome that keep my attention – they only grab it initially. It is the gloriously intelligent, slightly dorky guy, the one who can’t help but be true to his inner nerdiness, and share it with the world freely, and free from shame. It is the guy who is comfortable in himself and is unapologetically smart and silly, who keeps my attention. (Well, as long as he has good teeth, that is – I can’t stand bad teeth… just saying…)

And so, despite the gloriously handsome guys who could have shown up for the delightfully silly series of events that were an absurd version of dating and loving someone truly, my brain gave me the nerdy genius of the bunch… and I loved it. As I mentioned, I was surprised when I woke up, and I processed the fact that I had just had a mental dating relationship with the least physically attractive guy on my mind. However, it did not take me long after asking the question, “Why was he the one?” that I knew exactly why. My body is attracted to the other guys loads more, and my mind a good amount, but my mind is absurdly attractive to him, when compared to the others… they can’t even begin to compare, really, because they aren’t even on the same plane.

So, yeah, it was a lovely set of dreams… and it really helped me deal mentally with some unsettled stress…, but the dream itself lacked an ending – it just kind of fizzled out, as dreams often do, leaving me wanting not more of the dream but the real thing, life itself. Now, I want more than ever to meet my own nerdy love of my life. And I have no idea what to do about that.

Well, I actually do, in a way… As I have begun, I must continue to pursue this living space beautification process. I see the next steps in it all, and I think it is more important than ever that I take them, so that I can actually achieve this dream of mine with my living space. By pursuing something that is so important and also so difficult for me (yet entirely true to who I am to pursue and achieve), I am making mental and physical space for this person to arrive. I am also setting myself up for the life I want to lead, and for being who and how I want to be in more ways than ever… that, in and of itself, is a bold and powerful step, I believe, in not only inviting but allowing that person to enter into my life, my daily life.

So, now that I’ve had the lovely dream last night, I want to do what it takes to create the real thing for me, to turn the ideas of that dream into my reality. (Obviously, I don’t want the specifics of the dream, people included, [myself aside, that it], but I want the ideas and emotions presented and managed within it to become part of my life.) Basically, I was inspired by my nighttime dreams to create something spectacular and unexpected in my reality. Thank you, dreams. Thank you, brain. Blowing my mind here, and I am grateful… just help me to take the next steps, would you, please? 😀

On that note, time to go to sleep, Banana. 😉

Post-a-day 2020

Accomplishment: check

I sorted through almost an entire box of old papers today. I left out about two inches worth of spirals and papers, because I knew they specifically had loads of content I would want to peruse (and possibly photograph) somewhat thoroughly. And it was exhausting. However, I lay down sideways for a minute or two on my bed, and then got to work on another box of mixed stuff. I pulled out a few things for donation, more for trash, and loads for recycling. There’s still a good chunk of papers left in this box, however, that is only about 8% of what was in the box earlier today.

All-in-all, I am quite satisfied with the progress I made today on my clearing out, cleaning, and organizing task. It is suddenly as though an entire half of my room is in spectacular condition (while the other half has mediocre cleanliness and clutter, as well as several boxes of apartment stuff). After having the entire room be a storage room, in which one could barely walk to get to the twin mattress on the floor, this is spectacular. 😛 Just in case you didn’t know how things were in here before.

Anyway…, I want to finish out that last 8% of the one box tomorrow, and play with the glass ball I found in it. And yes, the glass ball is made for playing with it. It isn’t a fortune-telling object, nor is it decoration (intentionally). It is for playing. And I am greatly looking forward to doing so with it. 🙂

Post-a-day 2018

career planning like child’s play

As I pondered about today at work, with no actual work to do, but tons of pastimes to pursue at my desk, I somehow came to the idea of thinking like a child. I think I was inspired from the fact that a girl in this one movie was about to become a full-fledged lawyer, and I found myself somewhat envious. It got me thinking about how, as a child, I never really wanted to be anything specific when I grew up. Sure I said singer/actor, but that was kind of a ‘just ’cause’ answer, not an impassioned one – my heart was certainly not in it. It just sounded fun to be famous and super talented, you know?

So, as I was thinking about how kids have these people they want to be when they grow up, and how ridiculous those things sometimes sound, and then how boring of jobs those kids typically eventually end up getting when they are adults, I got into the crazy-ish idea of, “Well, if I were a kid now, what would I want to be when I grow up?” And that’s when the fun started.

It didn’t take very long for me to come to my conclusion. Fully-passioned and excited, I felt a need to share the news with the world. I didn’t think much beyond that – sharing it – other than how fun it sounded, and how silly it would be should I actually somehow become such an individual. Why? Well, I said that I want to be a cello-playing ballerina artist who does astronomy and physics stuff for fun.

So, I posted about it on the beautiful world of Facebook. After seeing a few of the comments that friends made, however, I began actually thinking about such a career path for myself. Part of the whole reason I started thinking about it, was because I thought it crazy how kids, who can do next-to-nothing about it, are so passionate about what they want to do for their jobs, and yet adults, who have all the ability to do something about their current jobs, tend to be so dispassionate about their careers. So, here I am, taking on a child’s passion in terms of career direction/choice (really, choosing freely (as a child chooses) what I would do, if I could do anything I wanted), and I suddenly realized that I am one of those adults who is in a position actually to do something about my career.

Wow. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how easy it could be for me. Yes, it is loads and loads of hard work. I know. But I’m talking about practicality of the situation. I’ve recently re-begun ballet lessons, I’m picking up my own art supplies next week in order to continue in my student-taught art lessons I’ve been receiving, and I’m working at a school with lots of musical connections (likely with links to a student of some age who could start teaching me to play the cello). And this is all just in my small town in Japan. When I move back to my big city in the US this Summer/Fall, I’ll have innumerable resources at my fingertips. And, without even realizing this earlier today, I have made specific progress towards this goal for the Fall: I now recall that I have already spoken to a sort of art expert to help me find some appropriate art classes for me to take this coming Fall.

Life is looking beautiful on the career path front. I in almost no way have a ballerina’s body. And that’s okay. I don’t want to be on the main stage. I know that. But I want to be dancing ballet. 🙂 (I’m so excited about this, I can’t stop smiling and having a little delighted shudder race through me every so often as I think about it all.)

My cousin commented about my career goals being similar to the career of Hedy Lamar. I had to look her up, though I recognized the name. As I was on the phone with my mom, I asked her what she knew about Hedy. Just that she was a black and white actress, very gorgeous 30s look. When I found her Wikipedia page, I read it aloud to my mother, and we both were amazed – she was fabulous, and my cousin was exactly right in comparing my career goals to the career of Hedy Lamar! Check her out. She was awesome. She and the guy from Queen (Brian May) who has a PhD in Astrophysics. They rock.

So, yeah… that’s today’s ponderings that I cared to share here. 🙂 Peace out, yo.

Post-a-day 2017

Self-discovery and second opinions

Today, I am sharing with you (whoever you may be) an e-mail, which I wrote earlier today. I feel it expresses the exact reason for which I have been calm and at ease today and tonight, and even did laundry without a fuss just a bit ago, and have made plans for my next load tomorrow (and with ease of mind).

Note: The thing I am referencing, the thing to which I listened Sunday morning, is a Ted 250 talk on making hard decisions, which my dad had sent me.

Listened to this Sunday morning, and been thinking about it ever since. Mom, I just sent you some texts about my current thoughts, but here’s an e-mail to keep you two in the loop on my thinking, and to give a space for each of your thoughts on the matter.

As I mentioned to you, Mom, I think I’m not a big business person. (I’d been considering looking for work with Schlumberger or the likes) I could be a big business person, and I don’t want to be one… not really. I only want the money and the prestige for it, the respect from others, and their high opinions of me. As you mentioned recently, Mom, other’s people’s opinions of me are none of my business. An initially difficult thought, but a powerful and releasing one. If I were to be a big business person, I realize (and I have always known this on some level) that it would be a never-ending effort to keep the real me alive, to maintain who I am at heart…, because the big business is not who I truly am, you see. Suits are fun, but only on occasion – I don’t want the daily suit lifestyle. (Though, to be fair, I might like it better if this were the norm!! Is it weird that I can So see Rob in these? But I digress…)

So, I think I want to do art school. I am constantly thinking about how I want to be trained in art skills (since high school, actually), and have always somehow seen myself being in a million art classes. I’m not sure exactly how to go about doing it, but I think I want to start with working and schooling together in [—]. I can do [Community College] evenings as a start, with subbing and tutoring and potentially teaching a couple classes part-time, as well as reffing (and possibly coaching) lacrosse. Perhaps, after I’ve done some art classes, I’ll know if I want to go into an official school or something – I’ll at least know if I like what I’m doing, and it will only be one university semester to figure that out (as opposed to a high school semester or an academic year or more).

My main thought is that I need to focus my life around the things for which I most long, instead of finding work that provides the money to do the things I want to do, and just doing those things on the side, and often ending up not having time for them in the first place.

Mom, I know you already said, and quite perfectly, “If you build it, they will come. Follow your heart, and the money will follow.” (Yes, I added commas for myself.) Nonetheless, I would love for y’all’s thoughts and ideas on it all. You two know me best, and in two different ways, so I look most to you two for… well, everything. 😛

Love y’all!

Peace

Hannah

Okay, two e-mails – I also want to share my follow-up e-mail to my mother’s response to the initial e-mail…

Haha! Yep! Get it. Got it. Good. And I liked how what she said inspired my thinking, as opposed to all of the specific things she said for their own value and meaning. Some was great, and a lot was “Okay…..?” The end result, however, was an inspired thinking and evaluation of my current situation of “hard decisions” to be made. I like looking at it as Who do I want to be out of this decision/choice? and What has integrity for who I want to be?

Love y’all.

Peace

Hannah

Post-a-day 2017