Tag: exhausted

Relating

It is somewhat common that people will offer to do something, and then, when it comes time for them to do it, they will back out, making some sort of excuse.

And I can’t relate to that. I just don’t do that. If I say that I will do something, I will do it. If something comes up, fine – I’ll readjust to the best my ability. But I’m still going to do it. Only something major has to come up that prevents me from doing everything else that day or whatever.

Perhaps it is that people commit to things without actually thinking through them and seeing that it actually will work for them to do them. I am often hesitant to agree to something until I confirm with all my relative family members and schedules, and, sometimes even, the weather. I actually check to see that it will work before I commit to it.

But people keep promising things, asking to do things for me, saying they’ll help by doing x. And then, at the last second, no x. Usually, with some lame and long excuse accompanying the lack of x.

And it really sucks.

And it’s a huge part of why I don’t want to allow others to help me with things a lot of the time. Even with the wedding plans, I have been very cautious handing over tasks, despite people’s offers and requests. Unfortunately, around half of those I’ve handed over have been abandoned/canceled by the other person, and I have to start again on my own. So, as with the other stuff in life, I keep a couple backup plans in place. I make sure that I will be able to pick up the slack if they fail to do what they have promised to do. I have handed off a few final yet important tasks to a few people for this next week and the following couple days. And I am fully prepared to go do each of them myself, should any individual fail to do them. And I have a way of checking that they have done them fully within enough time for me to do that.

Only one is not like that. And I have to leave that one fully up to God after this weekend. I have set it up for success. I am in charge of fulfilling the final pieces before the wedding day. And then they have to handle it themselves on the wedding day. Fortunately, I think they will be able to handle it well and will make it work, no matter what, because of what specifically it is and who they are. (But I still have a backup plan in place for that!)

I guess I’ve been burned too many times by people reneging on commitments. And I really cannot relate to them.

God, please, help me to find ease this week especially. Keep us and our home safe. Keep my grandma safe and help her to heal significantly, such that she may attend and enjoy easily and immensely our wedding and wedding celebration. Help my mom to handle her tasks efficiently and to my dream standards. Help me to look and to feel how I long to look and to feel, surrounded by and guided by your love and the love of my man. Thank you for my man and my mom, especially. Help the friends pull through and be true friends throughout the next nine days, please. Please. And please, give us good weather for our wedding morning and, especially, early evening and night. Thank you for your love and guidance. Please, continue to show me my next step clearly in following your will for my life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Wine Night

Tonight, we had our wine tasting dinner. The neighbors, one by one, ended up with a cold and couldn’t make it at all, though they still made and dropped off the planned wonderful salad. My sister-in-law was just relent not feeling up to getting out. But I managed to get my mom to come, after all, so it was still a small party of sorts with her, my brother, my man, and me. My mom and I definitely had to start spitting after a while, as, even just tasting a single small sip or two adds up like crazy when you’re tasting 18 different wines and Proseccos. And that’s excluding the five we didn’t even open. Nonetheless, we ended up having a great time testing and comparing them all together. And it was quite helpful to have two other palates and opinions to contribute to the considerations.

In the end, it seems we have selected our wines. Just need to go get them all tomorrow. Supposedly, we are doing something like 70 or 76 bottles of wine. While that is a lot, we are getting most of it at Costco, which makes they group all returnable, so long as they’re unopened. And that is a wonderful thing. Thank you, Costco. Well, same deal with the liquor store attached to Costco. Same policy and great pricing, too. Only the Prosecco we preferred seems to be cheaper at Total Wine than at Costco.

Whatever the case for all of it, I really hope folks enjoy the wines we picked. My man has an understanding of wines – because apparently you can’t not when you spend several years living in the smack middle of wine country in California, surrounded by vineyards 24/7 – and he seemed happy with the selections we made. They aren’t awesome wines, no. But they are decent wines. And they are wines that we can afford. And those two are what really matters for it all.

So, thank you, God, for this lovely evening together. Keep us all safe, please, and grant us nourishing sleep tonight. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

You aren’t crazy

My mom has always said that crazy people don’t wonder if they’re crazy – they just think they’re normal. Today, I was blessed with the opportunity to speak with someone who was able, with spectacular grace and ease, to state clearly that what I have experienced throughout my life does not make me crazy, but actually one of many. I’ll keep it at that for now, but he made sure to check in with me to discuss further later in the day, and then followed up to confirm I had his e-mail and phone number, so that he could help get me set up with a spiritual director in town. And not just any spiritual director, but someone who is acquainted with my situation, and can support me in serving God and His people through this gift – after all, as I am coming to understanding, this gift is one specifically intended, not for one’s own spiritual growth, like the gifts of the Holy Spirit are, but for the good of all. So, yeah… I guess I now will learn to be like Spiderman, and make the world a better place in some new and yet undetermined way.

God, you certainly have some crazy surprises sometimes. I said I’d trust you, and so I do and shall. I definitely appreciate your sense of humor and irony. I love you. Thank you for the blessings that continue to grow around me in my life. Help us always to pursue and follow you and your will for us. Thank you for my man, my fiancé. Grant us grace and ease these next two weeks especially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Chaos

My cousin was sharing with me about her current stress load of not only packing up, mostly on her own, to move states, but also having to pay a bunch of yearly bills, repair a toilet thing that busted today in the current house they’re trying to sell soon, and manage it all with neither her nor her husband’s having employment the past six weeks or so. I shared with her genuinely that I have observed and experienced that, whenever we are transitioning to something better, we always have to have a time of chaos first. Something has to go awry in order the change the daily standards, so that something new can be set into place. When the new and better life isn’t compatible with the current one, something’s got to blow first. And that’s where they seem to be right now, right in the midst of the chaos.

I sometimes even feel that the chaos is also there for us to have a chance to show and to prove even to ourselves, as well as the universe, that we truly want the change, want the new thing. Whatever the case, though, the chaos always seems to come right before something beautiful settles in.

And then, not even an hour after my saying all that, we began even more of our own readjusting in life, our own chaos: My man was ‘severed’ from his job. He was planning to quit already, as he has hated the new job after the new company’d taken over. He also half-expected to be let go, anyway, in the near future. He had just hoped to find another job first. That, however, didn’t happen. And the company that has been pretty crap to his whole department genuinely gave hypocritical reasons for his dismissal – that’s the part that actually upsets me, because they’ve been such hypocrites, and that is something I just can’t seem to stand(!!!!!!!!!!) – and acted like they were being super generous by providing him with a small severance package of money only (because this state doesn’t require severance packages, even though common decency does).

Ugh. I just hate hypocrisy. Seriously… ugh(!).

Anyway, we’ll sort through the muck and find the right path. Obviously, this was a perfect time in terms of getting wedding stuff sorted out, as well as his being able to have a rest from the terrible job leading up to our wedding. It also means my man gets to go with us for a site visit tomorrow for our reception venue, which he had been disappointed yesterday that he wouldn’t be able to do because of his work schedule. Plus, it’ll let him get started with his flight program – ironically and perfectly which started today with orientation – without having to mess with the crap job all day every day, and see what kind of job he actually does want to have while in the program. It isn’t the best financially for us, but I think it is best mentally for us both. And, if we keep to God’s calling, I believe the money will follow. It always seems to do so.

Thank you, God, for this difficult blessing today. Help us to use it effectively to pursue and fulfill your will, sharing your love fully through our lives. Help us to let go of the automatic reaction with one another toward anger and frustration, and to hear each other openly and lovingly. Heal where healing is needed, please, especially now. Thank you for this life. Please, make clear the next step for each of us, both now and always. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Reading

I’ve gotten a good amount done today, given that I went for a miniature movie marathon with a girlfriend for several hours – which was awesome, by the way – yet I had only expected to be about two total. I did some tidying at home and some reorganization that seems to be a step very much so in the right direction. I stayed up way later than intended, but even got a lot of folding and putting away of laundry done, too. And, of course, I had an audiobook running that whole time, which was great use of my time.

Thank you, God, for the accomplishments and the love and friendship of today. Help me to make tomorrow another great day, sharing and living your love and helping to be my best self. Thank you for this life and this man and these opportunities. Please, heal those in need of healing and call to you newly all those who most need you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Coming together

Things are, by no means, sorted. However, they are beginning to come together. Little by little – 少しずつ sukoshi zutsu – they are starting to solidify, and possibilities are starting to make sense. As a result, my stressed panic has begun to lessen, and today specifically. We have lots to accomplish, but a big part has been just getting research done and finding certain things that we need. Today, we got a good handful of research done. Sure, there’s still a whole mound of it in waiting, but the first parts can be the hardest, as it all is still so new and unfamiliar. By the end of today’s research, I had a decent handle on several things about which I had previously known next-to-nothing.

So, progress. Today has been good in that sense. Yes, we had some yelling and crying and lots of frustration and ache. And we also had some important and valuable conversations that seem to have accomplished much on their own. We are growing, and we are doing it together. And we aren’t perfect yet. 😛

Thank you, God, for today’s many accomplishments. Keep my man safe, please, and me, too. Help us always to grow together and with you, and through you and each other. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Boots and belts

Today, for the second time, I went to a warehouse scratch-and-dent sale for this boot company that I love, Tecovas. I was going simply to meet my mom and stepdad and see if he might be able to find a pair of boots – his first pair of western boots, actually – for the upcoming rodeo season. He’s on a committee with us all now, so he needs to have at least one pair for the shifts he works for the committee.

Anyway, I went for them, grabbed some things to keep them available while waiting on them to arrive, since I live much closer, and I also grabbed a few belts for my man’s and for me, since the belts were half the price today that they had been Friday. Eventually, they arrived, and my stepdad liked and bought a very nice pair that I had grabbed for him. (When he tried them on and walked around, my mom and I both were impressed with how nice it made him look as a whole – what we wear truly does make a difference!) I was there an hour before they arrived. Then we three spent about forty minutes working on my stepdad’s boots.

However, it took me another two hours before I left. Why?

Because I asked my man about a pair of men’s loafers.

He got too stressed, so, yet again, I got to wait at this sale while he went to the regular store beer our house to try on boots in the store in order to confirm fits and sizes. And yes, you read that correctly. We did this already on Friday for a couple hours. One benefit, though, was that prices dropped while I was waiting, so we got them all for even less than they already would have been at the already-amazing prices.

Eventually, however, after four hours of being in the store with no bathrooms (because it’s a pop-up shop situation, not a real store), I left with, for the price of one pair of boots new at the store – approximately $300, though they are $600-$700 comparable quality – one pair of loafers, two pair of men’s boots, and five very nice leather belts belts. Not bad. Not bad at all.

I actually had a really great time doing it all, too. I also noticed how much I like to help people. I was consistently either chatting with a waiting person or helping people find what they were seeking or, get this, helping to organize the products. I even went through all the women’s belts to confirm that all but a few were size XS, pulled the few out and set them next to the huge plastic bins, and then adjusted the sign that read S to read XS, and split the XS belts in the two bins evenly. Yes, I pulled out a pen from my bag to write the X on the sign, very similarly to how they were adjusting all the signs around (one-time paper signs, you see). So, anyway, I had a good time helping people. And I also found great satisfaction and delight in getting things for someone that are both useful, solid quality, wanted, and a treat all in one.

Thank you, God, for such a lovely start to the day today, and thank you for the lovely continuation and finish it has had. Thank you for this beautiful life. Please, heal those in need of healing and help them to ask for healing and forgiveness in all ways. Thank you for this love I receive. Please, keep my man safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good time

Tonight was a dinner for faculty and staff and their plus ones. I expected to have an okay time. I ended up having a really nice time. We had a pleasant and loving time at our table with a few folks. We had a nice time chatting with my boss and his wife. We had a delightful time chatting with some guys who have taken religious orders to become priests. My man got to meet a good handful of the important people for me at work. And then we stopped by the karaoke after-party just to check it out on the way home, but ended up staying until it closed down. (Just need to say that it was 100% like a slightly toned down version of a frat party. It was hilarious and kind of wonderful [minus the handful of people who had gotten truly drunk and were not so fun].)

Suffice it to say that I am going to bed tonight very late, but socially and emotionally satisfied.

Thank you for this wonderful evening and night. Keep us safe, please. Heal my man’s defensiveness with me, please, and mine with him. And heal my burned finger, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Theatre

We went to a show tonight. It was a one-man-show about Katharine Hepburn. It was called “Tea at Five”, I believe, and was a delight. And it was about Katharine Hepburn from the 1930s, not Audrey Hepburn from the 1950s. We looked it up afterward, and discovered that she and Audrey were related only distantly by a great-great (and maybe a few more greats) uncle, who ended up being a husband to Mary Queen of Scots… something like that, anyway. But Audrey wasn’t even her niece or anything reasonable. 😛

Anyway, the show was great. I’m exhausted, though. I almost cried after I got home when I realized that I don’t have to go to school in the morning. I was so relieved, because I’m just so worn out from the semester as a whole, but also from this week in particular.

Granted, we’re doing breakfast with my dad in the morning, so we have to be out the door at 8:30. But I can still rest well tonight.

Thank you, God. Keep my man safe, please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023