Tag: fear

Appointment

Well, I scheduled an appointment today. It seemed absurdly irrelevant, given that it was so far into the future and was about something that just happened. I said as much after the call ended. Within ten minutes, however, I had a call back from the office. ‘The doctor said to squeeze you in tomorrow. Can you do that?’ No, I didn’t want to risk missing the whole day of school and not getting paid – that would turn a $40/$80 appointment into a $240/$280 appointment. But I also need to have the appointment, and kind of asap. So, this is the only option if I want it handled now.

I begrudgingly accepted the appointment.

My mom adjusted her schedule to go with me. I am grateful. I am nervous about the whole thing, as I care very much about what might come of it. I just hope it all goes well and all is safe and good, and I make it to school in time still to get paid for the day.

God, help me to heal and to earn money to care for my family well financially, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Weather

We have some freezing weather going on right now, through most of tomorrow, and then again tomorrow night. Specifically, hard freeze weather. The low tonight is -7°C, plus the wind chill. And Houston isn’t made for such weather. A touch below freezing, sure. But a hard freeze is very hard for Houston buildings and roads.

Deer God, please, keep us all safe, especially the next few days with this weather. Please, grant us spectacular weather next Tuesday afternoon, evening, and night. Please. Help us to fulfill the calls we have had toward being our best selves and having fun through your love and your gifts and blessings in life. Thank you for this life and my man. Keep us well and safe and happily together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2024

Getting there

I have been quite stressed today. Actually, I was quite calm about everything this morning. I was calmly and efficiently working this morning on the things that still need to be done for the wedding (and that I could do today from home). But, for whatever reason, when my man got home, he was on edge. He did eat some food, when he realized he was quite hungry, but I think it wasn’t enough and was too little too late. He was already in a tough mood and he was getting hangrier and hangrier. It wasn’t a good combination.

So, we had a tough time doing errands together. I’ve been working so much on every detail for the wedding – mostly in my own, because he had work while I didn’t over the Christmas and new year holidays – that I have already thought through things enough to have determined which route I want to take on most things. For the ones where I’ve not been sure, I’ve asked for input and help. For many of those things, he has been very helpful. For some, he has shown that he genuinely has no preference one way or the other and trusts me to pick what I like best. Which is still helpful in its own way.

But today was one of the times where he tried to give help where help was not wanted and not needed. Yes, it could have been helpful a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. But he was a little too late to the mark for it to help today, and it, combined with his generally sour mood while we were doing something I had thought would be a fun time just being together intentionally, kind of set me off.

I have been under a lot of stress, and of all different kinds lately. There are deadlines for the wedding; goals and hopes and dreams for it; weather concerns, missing something important that will make everyone think I’m not good enough for him; the fact that I even feel like certain people (who really don’t know me very well, so it ought to be irrelevant, yet the brain clearly doesn’t care and won’t let it go completely) might think I’m not good enough for him; knowing that I am an amazing and wonderful person and that I love my man immensely and always the best for him, and sometimes feeling like I have to prove that to others; my grandma not being well and going up and down so much; the stress that gives my mom in general; the time that takes from my mom, preventing her in playing as big of a role as she has always wanted to play in helping to plan and prepare my wedding; my family who have always been there for me being pointedly absent throughout this whole process; the same family asking if there’s anything special I’d like for my wedding, and my not knowing how to say that all I want of for them to be here, helping me, enjoying this process with me, having fun with me; the dog throwing up and still getting black hair all over the house; struggling to find a pillow that lets me sleep well again; figuring out why on Earth I still haven’t taken the time to organize and put away all my clothes in the new dressers I got months ago, now; why going to bed alone is such a depressing piece of my day almost every day; not knowing what to do about it; not knowing yet how best to care for my family; struggling to find some calm and reliability in terms of having a consistent, decently-paid, fair job that makes a difference in the world; not being sure if I’ll be invited to work more permanently at this place I love and where I have felt called to be and to contribute; noticing that I have fears that I am misunderstanding God’s wishes for me, thereby doubting God; not feeling good enough because I doubt God through my fear; how stressed my man seems to be about his own career path and work future, as well as finances; not knowing how to ease his pain in all of that; forgetting that God is here for us and will support us always, so long as we choose him and let him support us…and that my hands keep cracking and bleeding and staying unrealistically dry, despite my efforts to avoid washing them anywhere near as often as I used to do.

Those are just the main ones of the moment… the ones on my mind every single day lately.

No wonder I’m exhausted.

And no wonder I kind of flipped on my man when he tried to help but kind of made it worse, having me feel like all my tie and effort so far on that particular matter wasn’t good enough for him, since he was suddenly doubting it and thinking we needed to adjust it.

Nonetheless, I still apologized immediately, before I even had relaxed enough not to be fussing with my words and stress popping out of me. It wasn’t fair for me to be angry towards him… well, it was absolutely fair for me to be angry towards him. It was, however, not kind and loving for me halfway to yell at him in the store. It was not respectful of me to react that way, and it put me further on edge that I had just done something unkind as an automatic response. I want my automatic instincts and reactions to be loving with my man. This one was not, and hurt all the more.

(I feel like Forrest Gump now…)

Well, that’s all I really have to say about that for now… so, goodnight.

Thank you, God, for this life and your love. Please, continue to guide me, and help me to see clearly my next step, always and forever, in pursuing and fulfilling your will for my life. Also, please, please, please, give us perfectly wonderful weather on our wedding day and evening and night, so we can do all our awesome stuff and everyone can travel safely. Please. In your name, I pray. Thanks be to God. Alleluia. Amen!

Post-a-day 2024

P.S. Thanks for getting him home safely from the poker night. Please, get him home safely to me from the gym, too. Thank you. Amen.

Big Brother

It seems that someone has been watching me via my security camera in my home. It was maybe a few weeks back that I had thought my man was on the camera and about to talk to me. I said hi to him, but got no response. I then called him, only to find out that he hadn’t been on the camera at all… and it has happened several times since then. I wasn’t sure what the deal was – perhaps it was merely a weird camera thing with the nighttime lighting, shifting back and forth.

But then tonight happened. While it was on – kind of like the live viewing and clicking the microphone to speak – I heard an 18-wheeler’s horn honk… through the camera.

My man was not on it. I confirmed. It spooked us both. We changed out passwords immediately. And yet, it just happened again…

I reported the issue to the company. We shall see if they are able and willing to track the recent access of the device. I know there was a massive data leak recently for just about everything, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was what happened, that a password got into the wrong hands.

God, please, free us from this potentially dangerous and definitely inappropriate invasion of privacy. Keep us always safe and pursuing and fulfilling your will, please. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Happy Thanksgiving

As usual, my family and I celebrated Thanksgiving today, the Friday that follows the official holiday. And, as usual, we had a lovely time together – I very much enjoyed being with those who attended and am very grateful for the time we all spent together.

However, I am absolutely exhausted, and so must sleep. My man is driving to Mexico tonight and then tomorrow for the long haul actually into and through Mexico. As usual, I am scared.

Dear God, thank you for this lovely day and family. Thank you for my man. Please, help him to be safe on his trip. Keep him always safe, happy, healthy, and holy. Help him, please, to follow and pursue your will. Bring him back home to me safely, happy, healthy, holy. Watch over him and guide him, please. And help me to trust in You and Your protection, and to release this fear I am presently carrying. Help me to find comfort and ease in Your promise and love. Keep him and the dog and the car and all the stuff safe, please. Bless his driving. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A kick

Perhaps the fear was the kick I have been both wanting and needing. I have been busy and tired and not sleeping well and needing to do loads of work (though not necessarily being productive during the school day, anyway). I have not been exercising almost at all. Perhaps it has been once or twice a week for the past month. Three times one week, and only one or two since then. None last week at all. So, here I am, experiencing a terribly stressful level of fat on my body. It’s one thing not to exercise and to eat well. But not to exercise and then to continue eating the same easy way… bad recipe, as I have now proven.

Anyway, so here I am. And I exercised today, especially doing the interval cardio section that I really haven’t felt like doing lately. It was a good feeling afterward.

And I still feel and see the fat on me, so, hopefully, it will encourage me to keep going with the exercise. I was for so long at a point of not being as fit as I wanted but not being able to see excess fat… it led me to doing less and less, because it was neither inspiring/encouraging nor terrifying. Now, the scales have tipped, at last, and I am terrified. Though it inevitably will improve, until it is at the original ideal fitness I have for myself, the scale somehow always stays tipped to the negative.

Thus, to work!

Thank you, God, for this clarity and this opportunity. Help me to heal, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

The King’s Speech

The film is a marvelous one, and it has been on my mind lately. Finally, tonight, I was able to watch it (again, of course), and it was as lovely as ever. In some ways, it was better than ever, really, as it had a new context applied to it.

You see, I got curious, and looked up the recording of the actual broadcast by King George VI that is portrayed in the film. I listened to it. By George, Colin Firth does a spectacular job of portraying the real man and his historic speech. I also crossed a 60 minutes shortened clip, and that shed wonderful light on the film and the story and the characters within it. I also followed it with glimpsing one of the letters the King had written to Lionel Logue, thanking him for the support with the coronation and commenting that, though he’d said his part well enough, several other bits went slightly awry, including that he’d gotten ink all over his hand from the pen. 😛 It was adorable and silly and absolutely wonderful. I’d love to read the whole collection, if it were an option. They seem to have had a truly wonderful and powerful friendship, and I am grateful to know as much as I do about such a blessing.

Thank you, God, for such friendships and dedication and love. Help us to have more of it in the world today. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Limits

“Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone,” so often declared my German professor in college. She was quoting roughly Neale Donald Walsch (It seems he said it first, anyway), of course, and she was saying it as a means of encouraging us to be uncomfortable and to speak German anyway. But it stuck with me beyond just that class. Here I am, 12 years later, and I still reference the quite and idea regularly.

Tonight, I stepped beyond my comfort zone by joining a service event that involved working in a sort of soup kitchen help staff role… not a comfortable thing for me in the first place. And it required a lot of me that is nigh on painful for me emotionally. I did adjust and shift a bit within the flexibility of the volunteering, so as to be of service without freaking out. However, I was still very much outside of my comfort zone in terms of my OCD. Many of my limits were hit.

Even the dinner we had together after the service required me to step beyond my comfort zone on multiple levels with the OCD.

And I had a very enjoyable time as a whole.

And I was uncomfortable for a lot of it.

But I adjusted, and it got less uncomfortable. By the end of the evening, I was genuinely comfortable. Looking back on it all – and act that alone gives me discomfort due to the circumstances of the service and dinner – I am impressed at how comfortable I ended up being in both locations and in driving between them. I won’t get into details, because that just helps to bring on the panic. However, I’ll add just that I impressed myself. I found a place of ease within myself as I did these things this evening, these things that, even considering doing, give me anxiety and stress. I almost didn’t go at all tonight, for that reason. But it felt right.

And that feeling was right. It was life, asking to be lived. And I did. And it scared me. And I’m so glad I went.

(And now, due to the OCD, I must set aside any clear memories I have of details, in order to be able to function the rest of the week!)

Thank you, God, for this evening’s events and developments. Thank you for helping me find a way to be of service. Thank you for helping me find a space of belonging and of being truly welcome tonight. And thank you for the innumerable blessings you have graciously planted in my life. And thank you for the story shared by Matthew Perry – May it help people as I believe it truly can. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Baby steps

I seem to be making progress on various things, though it is heavy-going. I am grateful for the progress, but it isn’t feeling much lighter, likely because I am carrying a lot for a lot of things right now – lots of progress to come, one could say! (Others might say it’s a long way to go yet… so, pick your flavor!)

I asked for something today, too, and not angrily or meanly – just straightly. And the answer was a very decent and respectable one. Nothing firm or final, but a promise to have a back-up option, which is more than I would have had if I hadn’t asked. So, yay for being courageous and asking!

Thank you, God, for all the encouragement and progress of today. Please, help me continue to pursue and fulfill your will by my life. Help me to achieve the goals you have granted me and placed before me. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Signs

I pray about things. And I do that both formally and informally. Sometimes, I sit and do the sign of the cross and address God, then say things to Him and, maybe, ask Him for things, and end ‘in His name, Amen.’

Most of the time, though, I pray more in an open prayer. That is, I turn to God, both physically and mentally, throughout the day, and interact with Him. I say things to Him either in my head or aloud – usually in my head, when others are around – and I listen for His replies. He always replies, but I don’t always understand at the time. One of my biggest prayers is for clarity in my next step with everything in my life. I pray that I want, pursue, and fulfill God’s will in all that I am and in all that I do, and I always ask for clarity as to how next to step in order to do just that. And, when it is time to do something other than what I’ve been doing lately, I receive some kind of clear sign – usually in the form of a strong and almost-sudden pull, desire, calling – and I can just feel that it is God’s will pulling me forward, showing me my next step on His desired path for me.

Lately, I have been in what has felt like a sort of limbo. I see not my path forward, and I have no idea how we are going to get to what comes next – because I can feel God’s promise of what is next, but just don’t yet see or know quite what or how it is to be – though I do see what I am to do for right now. He’s told me to do well by the kids – ‘Do a good job,’ He has told me, and I feel that He means for the students.

Naturally, I started stressing at how I’m not being a good enough teacher right now, as soon as I understood that to be His present will. So, I’m working on that.

However, there are so many directions life could go in the next six months, and I find myself getting scared and stressed about that. I cannot yet see where God is taking me, and it is scaring me a bit.

But, of course, now that I’m saying all of this, my obvious answer is, Well, that would be because you are not trusting in God. No duh, banana. No duh… So, I guess it is time to trust fully in God and to let go of the not knowing. He will make sure I know when it is time for me to know. And He will take care of me. All I need do presently is continue to choose Him every day and to do His will of doing a good job. And I do. And I will.

Okay, God. I let go. You can have back this fear I’ve been picking up, and turn it into something gloriously beautiful in a new form, please. Thank you for this life, and thank you for prayer. Thank you for being with me so much and for always being ready and able to listen and, also, to respond. Thank you for your guidance. Please, help me to see exactly how to proceed to create and to realize this amazing life you are offering to me. Help me always to pursue and to fulfill your will by my life. Heal those in need of healing, please. And let me know whatever I need to know, please. In your name, I pray in immense gratitude. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023