A match made in France?

In my first year of college, I went on a traveling Janterm, where we spent two weeks studying French in Cannes, and doing tours to the nearby towns and famous spots, and one week in Paris, exploring as we wished.  During the first two weeks, while a group of us were on a city bus, I noticed a French kid about our age.  He was sitting in a seat, on the left side of the bus, somewhat near the front, listening to music with headphones on.  I was curious what music he had playing.  I also thought he was cute.  Therefore, I wanted to talk to him.  The easiest thing for me to say to him was to ask him to what music he was listening.  I fought constantly with the insides of my brain and the fluttering of my stomach, and at last, I believe, he got off the bus.  Or else, we got off the bus.  I really don’t remember. However, I remember making eye contact with him at least once, if not a few times while we were all riding  the bus.

Well, I was incredibly disappointed that I had not spoken with the boy, though not entirely surprised at myself – even today, I have to psych myself up for odd situations like that.  However, I usually succeed in making the interaction nowadays, whereas at the time, I did not.

But this tale does not end sadly.  At least, not yet.

I believe that it was that same night, or perhaps the following – but I really think it was that same night – that a group of us decided to go to a nightclub in the town.  Some of the older guys who were working at the dormitory where we were all studying offered to take us to some cool bar and club.  We all happily agreed.  Well, some of the girls and guys and I agreed, but not everyone.

So, a small band of foreigners temporary living in Cannes so they could study French headed to a nice bar for a while, and then to a dance club later on that night.  On the way, I learned that a Romanian speaker can understand other romance languages rather easily.  (Fun Fact: This was my first interaction with someone being able to understand another language that is similar to his/her own, without necessarily being able to speak that language.  Of course, I can now do that with various languages myself, but it was a fun start to the concept for me.)

The bar was fun and interesting, and we didn’t have to check our coats, but we did have to buy drinks to compensate for having not checked our coats, and we had to deal with a huge pile of coats, which we were somewhat hiding in the corner.  However, I need not say much more about the bar.  Rather, anything more.  The club is the important one, you see. 

First off, the club was huge and, really, quite an awesome dance club.  I was amazed at the environment, as well as the clientele.  People danced by themselves or with a friend or with friends, and it didn’t matter which they did.  There were no circles forming awkwardly, or anything like that.  People weren’t doing official or formal dances of any kind, though.  They were just free dancing, having a wonderful time, doing their own things to the music.  I happily joined in in this type of merriment, while being amazed that on one side of me could be a 17-year-old, and on the other side of me could be a 40-year-old – no one cared how old anyone else was.

In short, I loved the club, and I loved dancing in it.

And, while I enjoyed dancing in it, I saw a familiar head.  When he turned and saw me, we looked in each other’s eyes, and there was this sort of understanding.  We both knew that we had seen each other that day.  We both knew that we had not talked to one another.  And it felt as though we both knew that I at least had wanted to talk to him.  This time, however, it seemed quite clear that he wanted to talk to me, as well.  Shortly after seeing one another, he was dancing in front of me, with me.  We held hands as we danced with one another, and we danced without holding hands, too.  

Even though I could manage French rather well at that time, he never got to find out this fact, because he addressed me in English.  It was somewhat iffy English, but adorable, and I loved that he was trying and that he knew we had all been speaking English on the bus.  He had been listening to music, of course, but he clearly had been paying enough attention to us nonetheless.

I don’t remember how long we danced or how we started dancing with one another, but I remember that it was absolutely wonderful.  At some point later in the evening, a couple of the girls who were with me told me I needed to give him a way to contact me.  I didn’t have a phone, of course, but one of the girls had just gotten one that day, because she was staying for the whole semester.  So, we wrote my full name and her phone number on a piece of paper.  In the French conjugation of the verb to want, I couldn’t remember if the you form ended in an or a t.  So, instead of saying, “If you want,” I wrote, “If one wants,” which, in French, can also be read as, “If we want.”  (Si on veut.)

I handed him the paper and I said goodbye and rushed out with my friends.  I don’t even remember what I said to him, or if I even said anything to him as I gave him the paper.  I just know that I gave it to him.

I spent several hours throughout the following months searching a particular page on Facebook.  It was the page for the club where we had been dancing.  I was scouring the faces and names of all the people who had liked the page, looking for this guy.  I used to know his first name.  I honestly couldn’t tell you what it was now, though.  I do remember his eyes, though… those gray-blue, yet bright eyes.  But I searched long and hard for his Facebook, to no avail.

He never called.

Or, at least, if he did, it was after I had left, and my friend with the phone never told me.

I am reminded of all of this, because today, for the second time in my life, I gave a piece of paper with my name and contact info on it to a guy.  (My full name and LINE ID, to be exact.)  He has already contacted me.

Post-a-day 2017

You’ve got mail

During the credits of the film “You’ve Got Mail”, there’s a song that comes on where a guy is singing about how he is going to sit right down and write himself a love letter, ‘and pretend it’s from you.’  I’ve been thinking about it since then, and I’m going to do just that for myself.  I don’t know who you are, exactly, but I believe you are out there somewhere, and, if we were together – meaning a pair, duo – now, you might send me this email/letter.

-β€”————————–

Hey, hon.

Just sending you a quick message.

First off, I love you.
Secondly, I miss you (Duh, of course I do.).  And, though we are almost literally worlds apart, I am okay, because you love me and care about me and are with me.
Thirdly, I love you.  Just so we’re clear.  πŸ˜‰  You have developed and changed so much these past few months, and I can hardly wait to get to know and to love all the new parts there are to you.  (I’m being somewhat sappy, I know, but I get to do that every so often, right? Right.)

(Now to the body paragraph(s).)

I hope you had a great day today.  We’re just getting started over here, and it’s a beautiful day.  How is your breathing?  Short, hot, and firey today, I presume, since it was a Monday.  Hopefully, you’ve stretched them out to long, slow, and deep by bedtime – I want you resting well while you are able to sleep, you know?  You’ve got to take care of yourself… keep your balance, now that you’re back standing again.

By the way, I think five minutes a day dedicated to your abdomen would get you the comfort you’re wanting for your beach-going.  You could do two and a half minutes just before sleeping, and another two and a half just after you wake up in the mornings.  That would give you a full five, and a significant improvement for that slightly-tubbier-than-usual belly of yours.  (We’ll be a rockin’ bods pair when you’re back here and we head beachside.)

Loving you with the sun and moon, babe,

~~~~

A philosopher for the moment

Today, I did some fun things including showing up my friend at children’s games, but I don’t feel like sharing about that right now.  I feel like being philosophical, ponderous… something like that.  And yet, here I lie with almost no thoughts, no words in mind or even on their way.  I am listening to the guitar upstairs, and what sounds like company sharing in the music for once (it is Saturday night, after all).  I am somewhat worried about the next couple months, specifically regarding how they will unfold.  I fear regrets, especially for after I have left this country, and am back living in my own.  I fear my being wonderful and amazingly successful in my endeavors once I’m back there.  I fear letting go of my endeavors in exchange for something safe.  I fear not becoming myself, not being myself once I am back there in a seemingly unchanged world as an incredibly changed person.  Someone told us to take a picture of ourselves before we begin this time in Japan.  I had forgotten to do that before leaving home, but I took a picture in the elevator on my way down to our very first meeting on my first day of orientation here.  I wonder what I will see different in my final photo as I say goodbye to this place.  I know that the two people in the photos are similar, however, they are in no way the same.  I loved and still do love who the former person was, and I do not want to become her again.  

These are things that are sitting in my being right now.  If you would have asked me before I wrote this, what I was thinking, I couldn’t have told you.  But now, as I have written this, I can see clearly that this is what was resting in my mind, in my heart, in my bones and flesh and breath… in fact, somewhat restricting my breath…, and that that is why I do not care to share the joys of today, but feel myself to be of a philosophical persuasion at present.  I could have lived with the greats right now.
Post-a-day 2017 

Coincidental Acquaintances filling the Heart

I almost missed my trains home tonight, because I didn’t want to leave the people with whom I was.  I had only just met the majority of them tonight, and only passively, but I loved being with them.  You know the people who just seem to fill your heart, and make you wish for nothing but, perhaps, more time with them, for you are fully content in their presence?  That was my experience tonight.

I met these people at the dance event/social just a few hours ago, and only barely had the chance to talk with them during the social.  And yet, here I am, genuinely concerned (well, I was for a bit, anyway) that I might not make it home tonight, for I couldn’t seem to draw myself away from their presence as we stood outside the train station, just talking.  Well, we weren’t just talking, of course, but talking and laughing and joking and expressing joy and love with one another.  And that’s exactly the point, exactly the reason I felt myself magnetized to the little group of people who, except for the one couple, had only just met one another tonight.

It was beautiful, and has not left me wanting.  For now, for tonight, I am whole and complete, and utterly content, for I belonged with an ease I felt like I had forgotten, I was loved without hesitation, and my love was fully accepted.  πŸ™‚

❀ people who love
Post-a-day 2017

Trading Good for Great

One of the hardest things for me in life is giving up something good. Β And I don’t mean just giving it up, in any sense. Β I think I really mean giving up something good, when the only purpose is to make space for something better. Β ‘What I already have is wonderful. Β Why do I want to give it up, and risk having nothing in the end?’ Β For whatever reason, I believe that a sort of fairy tale is in progress in my life. Β Anything is possible, and I am determined to have an amazing life. Β Perhaps I have a separate sense for this kind of feeling, and perhaps I’m just filled with a sort of wishful thinking, likely inspired by film and novels. Β (Pride and PrejudiceΒ is one of my favorite books, after all.) Β I don’t know. Β I do know, however, that every time I have let go of something that has been “good” or less, something better has just shown up for me. Β The newer, better something is almost effortless in having it become part of my life. Β The hard part is letting go of the former, not-as-good something.

For clarity, imagine, well I don’t know right now. Β I can’t seem to think of anything specific from my life right now. Β (I am rather exhausted from having stayed up late for a friend who needed a place to stay last night, and then ending up chatting together, catching up, until way into the morning hours of nighttime. Β It was great finally seeing this particular friend again, but it has left me wiped tonight!) Β Well, let’s talk generally, then, on a common matter. Β Just watched Sleepless in Seattle again. Β If she had stayed with her wonderful Walter, life would have been nice; she could have gotten on just finely with her Walter for the rest of her days. Β But, she had a sense of there being something more, something even better than her Walter out there for her. Β By letting go of her Walter, she created the space in her life for Sam. Β And, frankly, it seems Annie and Sam were MFEO (made for each other), just as the young children had somewhat declared. Β So, Annie let go of something good, and something spectacular arrived in the space created by Walter’s departure from Annie.

Does that make better sense? Β I think it’s still iffy on my description tonight, but we’ll let it stand for now, so I can go to sleep. Β πŸ˜›

Anyway, I’m terrified to let go of what I know is not the best for me, but that is currently “good” and “decent” for me in my life. Β Absolutely terrified. Β And I know that I must first let go of it, in order to create the space for something amazing to come along. Β Deep breath, Hannah. Β Deep breath. Β πŸ™‚

 

Post-a-day 2017

Worldwide Shipping

Tomorrow, my life is scheduled to alter. Β A friend is coming over late morning, we’ll run a couple or few errands together, taking good advantage of her car’s being here, and then our plan is to pack up everything I no longer need for my daily life, but that I want to keep in my life once I have moved back to the US. Β To me, it is a sort of marker for the official beginning of the end; an end to which I look forward with great enthusiasm.

There are certainly many, many…, and let’s throw in another many things and people that I will miss from here. Β However, so much of my life here consists of my job, which I very much dislike as a whole, and my solo city and apartment, of which I am not a fan (I really dislike being solo in life. Β I’m fine with a solo apartment, so long as I have regular interaction (like daily, often multiple times a day) with people I love and who love me. Β That, however, is not at all the case in my life here.). Β Therefore, I am greatly looking forward to the end of this bit of my life.

In an odd way, I have felt as though I have taken a year out of my life. Β As opposed to this having been a yearΒ of my life, it feels like a yearΒ out of my life, as though we could hit pause and goΒ on brief tangents in life. Β (Perhaps it’s more like changing the channel briefly, always knowing that the real show is on the original channel. Β Something like that.)

So, I find myself delighted to be packing up tomorrow, getting ready to move forward. Β It allows me to let go of the material objects, as well as the concern of how to move them into the next part/s of my life (Think plane trips with insane amounts of baggage – this is about ten times worse than that.), and focus my attention and mental space on the people and world around me that I want to love as much as possible while I am here. Β It has been difficult for me to love at times while being here, and that, in and of itself, has been a powerful lesson for me in my life – learning to love when all I want to do is throw a fit at how terrible and unloving a situation is to me. Β I want to do what I can to love this world around me, while I have the chance, and I know that tomorrow is a good step in having that happen.

And I’m terrified. Β In a wonderful way, of course.

 

Post-a-day 2017

 

Sofa Buddies

What is it about sofas that makes them such a comfort?  I mean this question in a specific sense, though I am not actually looking for any specific answer.  Many a time, growing up, I found myself frightened in my bedroom, and so went down/out to the sofa in the living room to attempt to fall back asleep (usually passing out somewhat promptly each time).  Even nowadays, there is still something so comforting about the sofa, I regularly have a sort of desire to snuggle down and fall asleep on it, instead of getting up and going into my bedroom to fall asleep.

Perhaps is it the residual psychological and emotional link between the sofa and getting to watch cartoons and movies, and being snuggled by the dogs or my siblings or parent, and late-night movies when we didn’t have to get up early the next day, and enjoying summer vacation.  Perhaps it is the foot rubs my dad and I would exchange as we watched tv together in the evenings.  Perhaps it is because we always seemed to have amazing blankets to use on the couch.  Perhaps it is none of the aforementioned, and perhaps it is all of it, and perhaps even more still.  I don’t know what it is that makes sofas such a comforting, cozy, happy place for me.  But there is something about them, I just love hanging on the sofa, which is why I am now writing about it, as I lounge on my own sofa bed and notice my feelings of not wanting to get up and go get in my own real bed to go to sleep (although I am actually quite tired).  πŸ™‚
Post-a-day 2017

Japanese totes and morale boosting

If ever your morale is low, I suggest finding Japanese tote bags and lunch boxes.  They are one of the best sorts of ego- and morale-boosting tools out there.  Whether the words are a particularly clear message about your being awesome, wonderful, beautiful, worthy, loved, or something of the likes, or is simply wonderfully nonsensical English, the bags are sure to bring a smile to your face and warmth to your heart from their upbeat, delightful, and heartfelt messages.

Please enjoy these most recent examples of the aforementioned bags.  We came across them all today.

Actually a placemat/napkin, but still the same genre

Front

Back

Post-a-day 2017

Student love

I walked into class today, and a kid I didn’t even recognize looked up from his origami, and called out loudly, “Haaannnaaaaaaah!” Β πŸ˜€

Later, when talking to a teacher whose classes I no longer teach, I was informed that her male students miss seeing me and my amazing fashion sense in their class.

There are some parts of my job that really are amazing and filled with love, and that I definitely will miss. Β πŸ˜€  ❀ ❀ ❀

Post-a-day 2017

Accepting a Dream

Have you ever finally realized how you feel about something, – something kind of big – and, rather than be shocked about it, notice that you already knew how you felt deep down, but it was really just a matter of being unwilling to admit it to yourself?  I feel like I have been a boy who loves the color pink, and, resisting the color for years for the social construct’s idea of what colors boys are meant to like best, depriving myself of something I love, becoming so good at making excuses not to love pink, that I even began believing my own made-up excuses (and had other people reminding me of the regularly, as though it had been their ideas in the first place, instead of given to them over and over again by me).

Anyway, I’m not actually a boy, and I don’t particularly like the color pink (oddly enough), but I feel as though my situation is similar.  I have resisted the dance world for “reasons” of practicality.  If you get injured, people’s preferences change, you offend someone, you get sick, you take vacation, or any number of about a bajillion* other things that do not endanger typical job-holders, then you do not make money.  Being a professional dancer (of any kind, though I am mostly referencing partner dances, as opposed to the common understanding that being a dancer is synonymous with being an exotic dancer or stripper) is simply dangerously impractical.  And so I easily brushed it aside when I was younger, seeing how it clearly is a terrible idea, and so there was no point even to consider it.

In doing that, though, I eventually let my reasoning take over as an excuse for not improving in my dancing, as well as for giving in to my fears, and not speaking up enough or demanding enough that actually would have made a difference in my dance opportunities.  But after all, I’m not aiming at a career in this, so why invest more time and money than necessary for a simple pastime or hobby, hmm?  A thought which, of course, led me to a sad state of affairs both mentally and performance-wise with dancing.  I not only want to be good enough to be one of the professionals, I actually want to be one of them.  Period.

Period.

And I’ve never actually said that before.  It’s kind of terrifying, really, even just considering how much I just might mean all of that.  Deep down, I know I mean it.  And that in no way changes my surface level of resistance.  Well, a tad, but not much – I still don’t want to accept it, because of what all that would mean regarding my past with dance.  Granted, I realize that I am the one interpreting things in this way, making them mean this or that.  Even still… if I truly want to be a professional dancer, and truly be good enough to be one, as well, then I have spent a good amount of time doing a lot of nothingness, when I could have been actively seeking and working toward my absolutely achievable dance dream.  It’ll take a good amount of high quality work, for sure, but that in no way alters the achievability of it.

So then, where does that leave me now, and what steps do I take next and next and next to achieve my dream?

 

 

*I have spent most of my life believing that word to be spelled with a g.

Post-a-day 2017