Tag: prayer

Trust like children

I shared with my aunt today about the kakizome and the idea of these dreams God has given me being like the center of a labyrinth – they were recently just within sight and reach, but have suddenly swooped far away, like I have gone to the outer edges of the labyrinth… yet a labyrinth only has one path, and it eventually will turn all the way to the center goal… we just have to walk the whole thing, which weaves inward and outward many a times. She commented that the labyrinth comparison was a very good one to remember for all of life, that, yes, God is with us and guiding us and there is truly the one pathway on which He is guiding us, even though it seems to wander near to and far from our goals again and again…, but it still will reach there eventually. We just have to trust in God and follow His guidance.

On that note, she also commented that, when we trust in God, everything is easy. ‘That’s why He says to trust Him as children trust,’ she said. Because children trust wholly. As they grow up, they experience betrayal and they learn to be distrustful of others and of the world. But, when children are children, they trust wholly, and it is easy for them to be happy and free. Even when something bad happens, they are sad for a bit, and then bounce right back to being happy and free. They are trusting that they are cared for, that they are safe, that all is well.. even if they aren’t aware of it, they are trusting. And life is easy for them then.

What if we could trust God as children trust life? How free and easy we could be…

So, that is my goal: To keep an eye on my trust. If I am not free and easy, I can look to see where I am not trusting God in that moment. And then I can let it go and give it up to God, and trust in Him there, too. Just from our conversation this morning, I was able to see so much of how I was resisting trusting God, which was why I was so stressed still. As soon as I let it all go and gave it up to God, I suddenly was lighter physically, and was ready to go run errands I had dreaded so much, I had anticipated avoiding them entirely and skipping them. I went and shopped for – and found! – tops for work that fit me at two separate shops. And I had a great time. I wasn’t even stressed about it, though I had been the other day. I noticed the marked difference in how easy it was to find things and also to be okay when things didn’t fit, and just to move on without getting upset. It didn’t even occur to me to get upset when things didn’t fit, be they too big or too small, though that had not been the case the last two trips I’d made to look for work clothes. I’m not saying life was happy-go-lucky today. But it was significantly easier than it had been. And I actually had a great time today doing all of it.

I even had the first shop accidentally not give me the shoes I’d purchased, and I didn’t find out until after dinner tonight. I was loaded with adrenaline when I realized the error, and I was hoping they hadn’t re-sold the shoes to someone else, but I didn’t have this heavy sense of panic I typically might have gotten (or would have gotten recently, anyway). I just took action, found out the shop still had them for me, and got back dressed instead of showering and going to bed, and went to pick them up. I’m getting to bed an hour later than planned. And yet I had a good time even going to pick up the shoes. I’m still in a good mood now, and hour and a half past when I’d hoped to be in bed tonight. And it’s okay. I’m taking steps to improve, and I am trusting in God on a whole new level now… and it is amazing. And it is growing. And I love it all.

And I even had horrible diarrhea today, and I’m still in a great mood. It’s ridiculous and wonderful.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

God’s plans

A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates one’s kakizome, “first writing”, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is one’s goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (that’s when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This year’s… well, we’ll get to that.

Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand God’s plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.

Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway… it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans… When the labyrinth of God’s love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path… faith gets tested, to be sure.

And that is, basically, my every day right now… and that kind of really sucks…

What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is “faith in God”, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – ‘Jesus, I trust in you.’ Like that.

So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ‘nother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully… there is not much this year where I haven’t given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go still…

I’m genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.

Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.

Saint Jude, pray for us.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Saturday night

We went to Mass this evening, and I kind of really like doing that. There is something about ‘making sure we go to Mass’ on Sunday that usually makes Sundays just not feel like a day of rest. I certainly want to go to Mass. But there is something about going Saturday evening that makes so much more seem possible in a weekend. It’s easy to have dinner after a 5pm on Saturday, because we can stay up late Saturday night. But dinner after a 5pm on Sunday must be quick and orderly, and we have to ‘get to it’ to get everything ready for bed and for an early start Monday morning. If we do Sunday morning Mass, we can’t stay up late Saturday night, removing much of the fun of having a Saturday night without a day of work after it, but with a day of rest to follow. Granted, we aren’t going out and partying hard or anything. Oftentimes, we are just doing things at home after dinner, or wanting to watch a movie or something, just hanging out together, even. But we’d have to cut it all short, especially in the summer, to go get ready for bed, if we had Mass the next morning. Plus, there is a certain stress around making sure alarms are set for everyone to get up and out the door in time for Church the next morning, allied with getting as much sleep as possible yet practicable. We can never seem to get to bed truly early enough on a Saturday night – we have too much energy for that on Saturdays – not to be rushing the next morning to get to Mass. So, Sunday morning Mass always has a certain stress tied to it.

What’s more, I get stressed having to keep an eye on the time all day to make sure we don’t miss the only chance we have for something. By going to Mass Saturday, the idea of having the options of Sunday morning and evening, just in case something changes or comes up, gives me great ease…

Coming home from Mass on Sunday requires down time for me. Often, I want to go do something, to celebrate the joys we just got to experience in Mass. But that doesn’t work out so easily on a Sunday evening, for reasons already mentioned, or on a Sunday after morning Mass, because it’s time to start getting ready for lunch and anything else that needs to get done that day before bedtime routines need to start.

This may all sound ridiculous, but it is very real for me. I had forgotten the ease that came with Saturday vigil. Experiencing it tonight brought forth a release of stress that I hadn’t fully realized I’d been carrying about Sunday Mass. But, boy, can I feel the lifting of that weight tonight as I go to bed…

I can now look forward to a Sunday in which I don’t have to get dressed up or go be around and with a lot of people. I can truly have a day of rest and contemplation in my own home. The hubbub and buzz of going to Church is much more suiting for Saturday and its many activities and events and general happenings around town. The restful start – without the alarm and rushing to get ready and out the door – with no requirements but to be faithful and to be here, makes Sunday a true day of rest, and, thereby, prayer and contemplation, as well as an offering to God. Wow.

Thank you, God, for this insight into my relationship with you and with the world around me. Thank you for this love. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A prayer for work

Dear Lord, please, help my man to find relief and fulfillment in his work. If this is not the job for him, help him to find clearly what he must do now and next, and when next is. Please, make his every step clear for us both, that we may pursue and fulfill your will through his work. Grant him ease and confidence, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Important

While emotionally difficult, the film “The Sound of Freedom” is an important and valuable film, especially for those who have little exposure to information of human trafficking and its statistics.

Human trafficking is a true thing, unfortunately, and, many could say, undeniable work of the devil, as spooky or odd as that might sound. I, myself, had the thought tonight, Why does God allow this? And I realized immediately: He doesn’t. It is not God’s will or work at all…

So, go see “The Sound of Freedom”, a film that portrays rather well the true story of a Homeland Security officer who was moved by the encouragement of God to valuable, illogical, immensely dangerous, and life-saving action. Then, spread the word to upload hotel and hotel room photos to TraffickCam.com in order to help AI help to identify where trafficked people are being kept, transferred, and photographed. They are both small yet significant steps on helping to heal the world and to slow down the terrifying rate of human trafficking, in hopes of eventually ending it altogether.

If you’re ever in Houston, stop by A 2nd Cup, a coffee shop dedicated to educate on and to help end human trafficking. As they say, they are more than a cafe – they are coffee with a cause. And their coffee and teas are actually quite good to drink, too.

In addition to that, love. Please, love. Especially those who are the worst of company, show them mercy’s no show them love. If you cannot show your own love to these people, show them God’s love. The only way truly to heal our world and its many sadnesses and evils is with love. Let people know that they matter – they, too, are children of God, even if they have strayed from His path and will in their lives. It is likely a lack of love that led them astray in the first place. They, too, and they, especially, need love. So, I ask you, please, to love.

Dear God, help us to love, please. Give us the courage we need to help heal the world through your love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Talk about mysterious…

All I will say for now is that today started out very differently than how it turned out. Note this exchange between a friend of mine from college and me from just after midday today (though, morning still for the friend).

J: How are things with trying to find work?
H: Iffy
H: I had a clear message from God to do other things while waiting for a reply for this one particular job interview. But it has been a few weeks now with no follow-up after the second interview.
J: Ahhh that’s hard to wait through. His timing can certainly be mysterious.
H: Yes!!

Fast forward to 18:45, and I sent that same friend the following message:

H: What did you start this morning?????

Suffice it to say for now that my prayers and understanding of God’s guidance proved true, and to an extreme. He kept telling me that I would understand and know how to proceed once they reached out to me, meaning the school where I had applied for the IT position. He didn’t say anything about whether I’d get the job or even that their reaching out had to do with that job – just that I would understand after talking with them when they reached out. And I had started getting antsy just the past two days, like it was getting close, whatever it was…

And, boy… what an unexpected conversation – two conversations – I had with them this evening when they reached out. God led me truly and clearly, that’s for sure. I have at least one more conversation to have tomorrow morning, but this much of a turn of events was certainly unexpected, though not unbelievable. God truly works in mysterious ways and with mysterious timing. To put it simply, though vaguely, God has just offered me almost exactly what I asked to have several years ago, but that I likely wouldn’t have been able to manage and handle at the time I first wished for it. Now that I say that, I’m not sure I ever prayed and asked for it directly, though I certainly wished it were possible and could and would happen. Man… what a wow-filled evening…

Thank you, God. Help me to act according to your will and to see clearly, especially tomorrow. Help me also to speak clearly and to have the words that make the best difference, tomorrow and always. Thank you for this blessing of an offer. Please, heal all those in need of healing, and help them to feel your love clearly. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Sorting it out

We love each other. God, do we love each other.

But we are still struggling to figure out how to let go of all the insecurities and junk that doesn’t serve us, in order to accept the love each of us has for the other.

And that part has proven surprisingly difficult and incredibly annoying.

‘Why do we have to piss each other off so much?’

‘Because we’re so hard-headed.’

‘And defensive.’

‘What? Me? Speak for yourself!’

😂😂

I’m just glad we can see it all. It isn’t easy to work through all of this, but it would be loads harder and nearly impossible doing it blindly.

Thank you, God, for this love and this relationship. Help us always to become better with each other through your love. Help us to let go of that which does not serve our highest selves and you, as you intended it to be in our lives. Thank you for this life. Help all to experience and notice your love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Getting closer…

One more day, and then he’ll be heading back to me. I can hardly wait. I’ve never missed someone – not even him – like this.

God, keep him safe, please, and give him a safe and easy passage back here this Friday, along with all his things and the car and the dog – keep them all safe and well and together, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Guidance

Thank you, God, for the guidance I received for today. Please, help me to understand my guidance for tomorrow, too. In your name, I pray. Amen.

I woke up just after 4:30 this morning, used the bathroom quickly, and got back into bed, sleepy. But I couldn’t fall back asleep. By 5:30, I had determined to get on up. Shortly after that, I did a full workout, finishing around 6:30, and cooking and eating a bigger-than-usual breakfast around seven. And the day only went on well from there. Even the rainstorm felt beautiful today, somehow, despite the veritable pond that has developed in our backyard where the chickens are supposed to have free roaming.

Anyway, I got bitten horribly by mosquitos when I went outside this evening, but it was still a good day.

I even really started missing my man, in a way I really haven’t since woke first nights of knowing each other… but it was still a good day.

And now, I will go to bed and likely sleep very hard tonight, still missing him.

Thank you, God, for all this beauty and love in my life. We love you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023