Tag: self-expression

Roughness

Sometimes, I bite my nails, because they’ve grown too long, and I can’t seem to stand them another minute… and they end up being all rough and uneven around the edges. And then they catch on things a bunch, including my skin and face, until I bite them some more and/or eventually find a nail file and file them down to where I’d wanted them to be in the first place.

It seems an utterly ridiculous struggle to have, yet I face this struggle regularly and often. I have reminders on my phone, telling me to do my toenails and my fingernails at certain increments of time that I figured out were accurate about a year or so ago. And yet I still struggle more than half the times with availing cutting them and ending up biting them down out of annoyance a week or so later (al while my phone still displays the message telling me to trim and file my nails).

I haven’t quite gotten to the root of the struggle, as we can all see by my consistent struggling with this same issue. It seems like it must be an easy solve, if I just gave it a bit of actual time and attention again. Or followed my reminders like I once did. Nonetheless, a ridiculous struggle continues.

And it has me wonder: How many other ridiculous struggles am I having in my life right now? How many other seemingly rough situations actually have a simple solution, for which I need only give it some genuine attention and effort and consistency?

Likely loads…

Post-a-day 2023

Happy Easter!

I wish you all a very happy Easter season. May you feel God’s love and blessings in new and powerful and life-moving ways, as you find yourself shifting further onto the paths that lead you to the person you long to be and who you were made to be. In God’s name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Fitting in

I’m starting to turn into them…(!)

Although, now that I think about the specifics, perhaps it is just becoming clear that I always was one of them… hmm… haha

Tonight, instead of going to bed well before 10pm, as fully expected and planned, I got caught up working on a coding project. I had to build a landing page that adjusted well to different screen sizes. It’s one of the final projects in the whole section on web design for my course. I decided a while back to have fun with the projects, whenever I’m having to make most of it up, anyway. For the half-existing things where I just edit or add bits, I don’t do much personalization, if any. No need there. But, if I’m basically making it all up, anyway, I want it to be something I’ll enjoy and actually want to show someone else, you know?

Anyway, so I was making this page for ‘a club, real or imaginary.’ I happened upon an idea that I loved, shortly before my planned bedtime… like twenty minutes before it. Next thing I knew, it was two and a half hours later, and I was still working on the project. It was definitely progressing, and well. But I was 100% not in bed.

Instead, my man made me some seared tuna – I know – after it thawed half an hour, and then I worked even more. At about 1am, I had finished my project and shown it to my man, and was finally heading to bed… only four+ hours later than planned…

I felt like I was finally starting to be like all the other nerds who end up having that late night, ‘because I was working on some coding,’ and/or, ‘and I really wanted to resolve this one part.’ I did that tonight, and not for the first time. But it was the first time I had a full product at the end.

However, I already do this with things. I already stay up late just to finish something up, even if it isn’t even time-sensitive. I’ve basically always done this, until I started occasionally forcing myself to go to bed, everything left to be done tomorrow, so I could wake up early for the gym.

So, this was nothing new for me… except that it finally was for coding stuff.

And that’s the really fun part.

Post-a-day 2023

At-home stuff

I haven’t much liked working out on my own in the past. However, there has been something about it this past week that has changed my mind a bit. I think the music at the gym has gotten too loud for me to want to be there so often, and the classes are sometimes too full for me; it has become a bit of a drain on me emotionally and social just being st the gym, I think. It’s almost like it has been overwhelming, in a way… just too much stimulation to be going five days a week. Even four days is a bit tough, it seems.

I think I am doing these workouts at home in large part due to the fact that I can stay away from all of that external stimulation and not have the shock it provides, let alone the reset and quiet time and relaxation it demands afterward for me. The mental disruption from classwork was already enough of a struggle before, but it has become increasingly obvious that the overwhelm of the scenario itself has become a bit much for me lately.

Perhaps working out at home once or twice a week will be all I need to get myself exercising five to six days a week again. I can still go to the gym three or four times, that way, and get that extra push from having folks do the workout with me. But I might strategize a bit and pick my classes as the lower-attended ones most weeks.

I’m wondering if this might just make a huge difference for me and my fitness and workouts, as well as productivity…

Post-a-day 2023

Sunday

For the first time in what feels like months, we got just to hang out and do stuff at home on a Sunday after Church. And it was awesome.

He got to get to work on finally sorting through the garage’s contents. I got to nap a bit, do some coding work for my courses, and get started on checking whether CDs were in my music library already (and adding them, if they weren’t). He came inside every so often just to see me and trade kisses, then went back out to continue working.

It was great. I had a really nice day, though am, nonetheless, going to bed quite exhausted.

At that, thank you, God. Amen. Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2023

Zoom-zoom

Today, we had about an hour to spare before heading from one place to the next. We were heading home, and decided suddenly to go ahead and stop at the go-kart place we pass all the time. We pulled into the packed parking lot – cars were lining the street, too – and it was by divine agreement that someone was leaving right as we pulled into the lot, giving us a space to park (and right by the entrance door).

Tickets were for a five-minute ride. There were regular, fast, and really-fast karts. The fastest ones require a valid driver license, though they only go about 20 miles per hour at top speed (the girl guessed 30, and was sorely mistaken). We went ahead and bought two tickets and got in line for the super fast ones. No one was ahead of or behind us, as most people were younger folks, we’ll say, or their parents who weren’t interested in driving the fastest ones.

I tell you what: we had a great time. It was a safe space for us to race and be slightly reckless and goofy and crazy and to take risks, and I have a blast. Genuinely, as soon as we started our onto the track, and I was working to block my man from passing me while I adjusted my seatbelt straps – I’d out them on properly, but then my arms weren’t long enough to reach the steering wheel, which I discovered as I took off 😛 – I felt like we were in a real-life version of Mario Kart. I even imagined shooting tortoise shells out my kart’s butt and dropping banana peels to keep him from passing me… as though that were an option. 😛

It was great. I got to practice crazy turns and get very good at them. You know, the whole hitting the break suddenly while turning the wheels quickly, so the back end swings around the sharp curve but the driver seat barely moves over the ground, just rotating almost in place, and then flooring it and taking off straight on the other side of the turn. It was way cool. I finally perfected the turn, and thought I’d broken the thing with the turn, but it was just that the timer had just run out right then, disabling the high speed of the fast karts and reminding us to exit at the end of the circuit (which I had Just started, and so had to do slowly like the normal people for most of the rest of it [only the back straight-away was disconnected from the sensor, and so we got to speed there again before hitting the sensor wall again to finish out the lap at a slow chug]).

Also, fun fact: it seems that weight plays a role in the kart’s speed success. The fact that I weigh a good portion less than my man meant that I had less traction and less speed on my kart. Even when we were on even scores on the back straightaway, both giving them full gas, his kart would leave mine behind before the end of the straightaway. (Perhaps it wasn’t weight, but that explanation made the most sense to us, versus that my kart just wasn’t as good as his. They all seemed to be the same age and quality and all, so it was unlikely that his would perform so differently like that just on its own.)

Anyway, it was such a great time, and I was smiling basically the whole time – big, toothy, open-mouthed grin smiling, it was so much fun for me.

And it was only five minutes. But I’m really glad we did it.

Thank you for that blessing today, God. Please, continue to keep us both safe. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A different day

It was very difficult to get out of bed this morning. Very difficult. I didn’t make the first workout’s alarm, as I was way too heavy with exhaustion. However, I snoozed the second workout’s alarm twice and then got myself up before it went off the third sounding… something like that. It might have been only one snooze… Whatever the case, it took a lot of effort to get up, even then, but I did it and I exercised.

Afterward, I made breakfast tacos for me and for my man, and I even weight and measured for his macro and calorie counts for his food. Then, though I wanted to sleep, I showered and got to work on my coding courses. Early afternoon, while he went to the gym, I finally lay down for a nap for about an hour. I needed it at that point, as my brain was starting to take breaks all on its own.

Afterward, I got back to work. One of the things I learned in the history but I was reading was about the original NASA computers – real people who did mathematical computations, before machines existed for it – and about the original IBM used at NASA, which took up an entire large room and required a whole slew of people just to make it work at any given time. It was a massive advancement at the time, though it is comical to consider that it could do less than just about any digital device we have today.

Nonetheless, reading that bit of history finally put me over the edge for wanting to see the movie it briefly referenced, “Hidden Figures”. I’ve known about the movie since it came out in 2016, but never quite worked up the full desire to sit and watch it. But now was the perfect time. I could appreciate – and understand! – so much more about it now than I would have even several weeks ago, let alone years ago. The movie was quite cool and was well done. Though, my man and I both chuckled at the part where a new reporter in the film said some absolute bogus info, stating the craft and man, Alan Shepard, would be traveling “at an altitude of 116 miles per hour.” Because altitude is measured in miles per hour, and all… 😛 That was rather funny to us, and we both enjoyed that we both caught it, especially since it was more of a filler kind of shot than a main one.

Anyway, I’m really glad we watched the film tonight. Now, however, I just go to sleep. Much more to do tomorrow! (Including that 7:30am workout that I always dread, somehow. Haha)

Post-a-day 2023

Another day

I had caffeine yesterday, and, due to my long mid-morning nap, I hadn’t realized how late in the day it was when I was having it. Therefore, as I lay in bed last night, just after 9pm, though I was exhausted, I never could truly fall asleep. I was doomed to dose for most of the night. By the time my alarm sounded just before six, I had deemed it smarter for me to go back to sleep than to go to the gym. I was, after all, finally able to sleep, and I still would be going to the gym four days in the week by the end of the week. So, I went back to sleep.

I ended up sleeping well for another three and a quarter hours, then got up just after nine and got to work.

Mid-afternoon, I met my mom to pick up a couple books, and ran a couple other errands before heading back home and doing more work.

At the end of it all, we even watched an episode of “Friends” before I came to bed, and it is only now just after 10pm. I feel very accomplished from today, and I am grateful for all the progress in my studies, as well as having been able to make the other errands work in the schedule and still get work done.

Thank you, God. Help me to continue in being satisfyingly productive each day, always pursuing your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Goodnight.

Post-a-day 2023

Current Stresses

Here is an incomplete list of my current stresses:

  • I’m not good enough for my man and I am failing at just about everything I agreed to do and wanted to do in our relationship
  • I can’t support us financially
  • I’m not even contributing financially right now
  • I’m not getting through my courses fast enough 1)to be able to do meaningful-to-me work or 2)to contribute financially, let alone 3)to support us financially
  • I’m really upset with my body’s current status in terms of fitness
  • I feel responsible for the state of fitness and the stress my man has around his state of fitness right now
  • I have stupid acne – a kind I haven’t had since high school or college – that showed up on my face, and I can’t seem to shake it
  • I have a miniature stress session every night when I have to get ready for bed, because I have to go in and out of what is mentally my safe space after showering (because the sink still hasn’t been replaced)
  • I don’t know how to replace the sink myself without messing things up
  • Same thing regarding the handle on the drawer in my desk
  • I can’t seem to get enough sleep, and so am exhausted most of the day most days
  • By being stressed, my body is off-put by the idea of food, making the whole fitness situation even worse
  • My gym plays music too loudly now – it wasn’t this loud in the past – including at the classes that actually were still okay just recently
  • I have trouble focusing on my work when I’m in the same office/room as my man – he’s too ADHD for me when I’m focusing on something, and it distracts me immensely
  • I haven’t sorted out the rest of my stuff after moving it into the house, and so I don’t actually have anywhere else to go to work (that doesn’t cost money)
  • Going through all the classes at Church to join the Church officially has kind of off-put my man to Church-related activities outside of Mass on Sundays… which includes marriage prep-type-stuff
  • The marriage prep-type stuff feels almost pointless anyway right now, because we’re waiting on that annulment, anyway
  • We’re going to keep waiting on that annulment until the other people who agreed to help with it do their part
  • People agreed to help with the annulment and are being non-responsive and not showing any care or concern whatsoever at the fact that their participation literally affects our future and our daily lives
  • People not responding to things period has been really getting to me lately
  • This includes that I invited people to my birthday party, and they didn’t even acknowledge that I did so, let alone show up for the celebration
  • Maybe those people don’t need to be in my life right now – also stressful to consider, seeing as how I was the one who picked them to be in my life in the first place…
  • Do I just have crappy judgement right now? Or sometimes? Or always?
  • Am I even pursuing the right things with my life currently?
  • For some reason, I want to marry on a Thursday – Thursdays are important to me. Churches seem only to offer weddings on Saturdays…
  • It makes me feel sick even to consider planning for a wedding reception right now, while I cannot contribute financially.
  • I don’t want to be around people smoking or who smell of smoke, period.
  • I especially don’t want to be touched by or be near such people during parties I am having, including my wedding, nor do I want them smoking at my wedding.
  • I don’t like drunk people.
  • I don’t want to pay for the creation of drunk people, and I don’t exactly want to pay for anyone’s alcohol at our wedding.
  • I haven’t figured out how to share stresses with my man without pissing him off…
  • Which stresses me out even more, not being able to share myself openly and just be heard
  • My man doesn’t seem to understand that, oftentimes, I just need to say how I feel about something, and that’s enough for me to let it go and be over it.
  • My man keeps feeling like he’s wrong or messed up or not enough or something like that, all because of what I say and do
  • Why do I keep making him feel that way? What am I doing so wrong?
  • Why do we still have gnats in the house?
  • My hands are getting drier than ever all of a sudden…
  • Why can’t I get all the house stuff DONE already???
  • Why can’t I get house stuff and school stuff done, all together in a day, multiple days a week?
  • Why do I feel fat and weak and failing at so much right now?
  • There’s dog hair on the insides of my house sandals.
  • This coffee table we had made in Mexico keeps spitting out bugs that apparently were nested inside of it. There’s yet another one lying on the floor now, this time in the bathroom, across the house from the table and not in the direction of the door to outside (which is where the others have all headed so far).
  • My foot hurts, and I don’t know why nor how to fix it.
  • I cost too much money.
  • That fact kind of makes me dislike myself.
  • I feel like I barely get to see and spend time with my man anymore… I miss him. I miss being present together, spending time together intentionally.
  • I feel like it’s all my fault.

……….

That’s just what’s on my mind right now, as I get ready for bed.

God, take it all, please. Please, take it. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023