Tag: exhausted

Discussion

We started going through some question and answer things together tonight, and actually discussing some of it… and I feel so satisfied by the conversation as a whole, so accomplished, satiated… satisfied not as in proved right, but as in filled, whole. I have been wanting to do just this for so long, and we are finally doing it clearly and intentionally, and it is wonderful. We both are learning, I think, both about each other and about how to discuss different things effectively with one another, and both are extremely valuable in any relationship. So, I go to sleep incredibly grateful tonight.

Thank you, God, and thank you, my man, for the communication, the willingness, and the love involved in it all. Thank you, God, for this life. Please, make clear our next steps always in pursuing and fulfilling your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. In class today, we started discussing jobs and work and careers and crafts. (This is French class.) At the end of class, we started reading together an article on the Japanese concept of ikigai. (If you don’t know it, look it up, because it is really cool.) Tonight, as I looked at my memories on Facebook, I crossed a post from this day seven years ago talking about how I had just discovered the Japanese term ikigai and that it was an awesome addition to my vocabulary. How fun! 😛

Thanksgiving Day

Today was a lovely day. I chatted on the phone with my sister for an hour and a half, then watched a movie with my man on the sofa, snuggling against the cold and drizzly weather, then took a nap before watching a couple episodes of “Fixer Upper” with my man while I baked sweet potatoes for tomorrow, and also watched the end of the movie we’d started the other day.

It was cold and slightly dreary, and we had a wonderfully lazy and wholesome day of rest. I am very grateful for today – it was just what we both needed, I think.

Thank you, God. Goodnight and Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. Two months from today… 😛

Social energy

After my cousin and his friend left late this morning, his parents, my aunt and uncle, showed up to pick up my uncle’s boat that we had been storing for him. So, I spent the morning interacting with the cousin and friend, then the midday and early afternoon with my aunt and uncle. By the time our dads and their wives arrived for dinner (almost an hour late) close to five, I was kind of done with my social interactions for the day. 😛

Quite convenient, I know. So, I stuck it out and participated a reasonable amount, I believe. But the seating arrangement allowed for me to take it easy and talk to the grandmother in the living room while the dads and wives all chatted together at the dining table – their spending time to get to know each other was kind of the main point of the dinner, after all. And I got to do a lot of cleaning etc. in the kitchen, which helped me balance it all, too.

Nonetheless, I think the evening was a rather good time as a whole for everyone. I’m very grateful to be going to bed now, though it is after ten PM.

Thank you, God, for today’s blessings. He’s me and help me always to do your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Well, then…

I did not exercise today. I got a decent amount of work done instead, because I had forgotten that I was subbing during my off time today (which was when I had planned to exercise, you see). I also got to be extremely productive at the end of the school day, because the bookshelf I have been awaiting (technically since the first week of school, but I found this shelf myself two days ago) was moved across campus and delivered into my office today while I was in class). So, rearranging was necessary.

I got the study desk (think of a desk with sides that go upward like blinders for taking tests, because that’s what it was made to do) out of my office and into the common space, which might actually prove useful for all the teachers in my office suite, now, as we have kids constantly having to take tests and quizzes just in the open area with folks walking past them and around them the whole time. I then moved almost everything else around until I found an organization that I seemed to like. I had a small blip with the phone and desktop, as an internet outlet that should work doesn’t. But I found a way to swap out cables, and it resolved a dangling cable that used to drive me nuts as well as the phone’s having to be right next to my desk. (We’re more of an e-mail school than phone call one, you see, so I rarely use the phone in my office. Phones in the classrooms are more used than the office ones, as that’s how kids get pulled out of class for this or that.)

Anyway, I had some blips and re-shifting and such, but I was happy with the final result. To top it off, just as I was doing final touches, a co-worker walked by and almost immediately commented on how “awesome” and “bad-ass” my office was. Not a bad improvement from being merely a “large closet cave”. It still has no windows to the outside and no great overhead lighting, but the furniture arrangement and lamp make all the difference. Oh, and not having piles of stuff all over the floor anymore, now that I have hanging filing folders (arrived end of last week) and a bookshelf.

Thank you, God, for the blessings in my life, and thank you, especially, for the relief this office arrangement has provided. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A kick

Perhaps the fear was the kick I have been both wanting and needing. I have been busy and tired and not sleeping well and needing to do loads of work (though not necessarily being productive during the school day, anyway). I have not been exercising almost at all. Perhaps it has been once or twice a week for the past month. Three times one week, and only one or two since then. None last week at all. So, here I am, experiencing a terribly stressful level of fat on my body. It’s one thing not to exercise and to eat well. But not to exercise and then to continue eating the same easy way… bad recipe, as I have now proven.

Anyway, so here I am. And I exercised today, especially doing the interval cardio section that I really haven’t felt like doing lately. It was a good feeling afterward.

And I still feel and see the fat on me, so, hopefully, it will encourage me to keep going with the exercise. I was for so long at a point of not being as fit as I wanted but not being able to see excess fat… it led me to doing less and less, because it was neither inspiring/encouraging nor terrifying. Now, the scales have tipped, at last, and I am terrified. Though it inevitably will improve, until it is at the original ideal fitness I have for myself, the scale somehow always stays tipped to the negative.

Thus, to work!

Thank you, God, for this clarity and this opportunity. Help me to heal, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

As planned

Well, that did not go as planned… nor did it go as promised.

So, I need to see how best to proceed with this. Feedback is important in improvement, – actually, feedback is valuable in everything – and improvement is important when things don’t go well. Degrading and denying feedback and avoiding responsibility for things that didn’t go well helps nothing and hurts much.

As hard as it is to accept that we have messed something up, it is extremely valuable to all parties involved just to acknowledge that we see that we messed up. What makes it even better is also acknowledging that we are committed to something better than what we produced. Then and only then can we truly improve something.

Please, keep that in mind whenever you mess up in the future (we know we all do it often enough, so it’s coming!).

Dear God, thank you for our safety today and our time together as a family. Thank you, also, for this opportunity for growth. Please, help me to grow well, pursuing and fulfilling your will in the process. In your name, I pray. Amen.

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Fantasies

Some people fantasize about being rich or indulging in fancy yet unhealthy foods or about diving into physical or sexual acts.

Actually, that probably covers most people…

Anyway, about what do I fantasize, pray tell?

I fantasize about not having to brush and floss my teeth before bed.

To each his own, you know? 🤷🏻‍♂️

Post-a-day 2023

Sharing is caring

I shared last night my recent stresses about getting out with my man. It has grown increasingly difficult to get myself to go anywhere that isn’t absolutely necessary. I already had the touch of depression, then my hormones and such got a little more off than usual. Add to those the stress about money, and we have an effective recipe for my sort of agoraphobia to pop back up.

Granted, it has come in tiny waves the past few years, popping up in little bitty sports here and there. But it always settles back down and disappears into the sand after a couple weeks at most, and it never gets very bad in the first place.

But this has been different. It has been increasing steadily the past several weeks or so. I almost didn’t notice at first that it was stronger than usual, because I normally adjust my ways and it goes away. So, I don’t have to out much thought into it. By the time I paid it closer attention, it had progressed significantly.

And it isn’t that I’m afraid to go out and be around people. It’s that the idea of leaving the house and going somewhere that isn’t necessary seems a nearly-insurmountable task. And, when I consider surmounting it, I come close to breaking down and crying, feeling utterly inadequate, and just wanting to cuddle up into a blanket and someone’s arms (preferably my man’s) on the sofa and slowly fall asleep.

So, I told all this to my man last night. I was embarrassed to tell him, and even more so because I had waited so long to say anything to him. Clearly, I have been having an increasing issue, but I haven’t wanted to share about it, because I had felt like he would be mad at me, or maybe just even more frustrated at my stupid OCD-related crap… because my whole thing is that I’m not worth it, and this would be one more reason to hand him that would show how very much I am not worth it… Likely that is the real reason I didn’t say a word about it, though I never put much thought or conscious intention into not telling him.

Nonetheless, I told him. And I was sad and ashamed. And he said that he was okay. And I cried very hard.

And then I felt better. By the time I woke up today, definitely not rested enough, due to the crappy sleep thing right now and waking up constantly for the second half of each night, I felt loads better. I dealt with a lot of crap at school today, and then had no struggle heading to volunteering. I hung out there afterward a bit, then headed to Costco for gas and groceries for my man, forgot about Costco, because I was on the phone with my man, and went home to see my man before he went to the gym. When I was down the street, he asked what I was doing, because I was supposed to be at Costco. Oops. I would give him a kiss, then, and then go. And the next part was awesome, in its way.

He said he was worried I wouldn’t be able to go back out, if I came home first. I thought about it, and I realized that I was totally okay and that I would have no issue getting back out. I was grateful for that feeling. But I also was grateful that we had been able to discuss it clearly and honestly. I think that alone could have helped me tonight, had I needed the help to get back out. Though I didn’t need it tonight, this opportunity to discuss my struggles openly together could prove to be immensely helpful in the future.

And I am incredibly grateful.

Thank you, God, for guiding me to share last night. And thank you for this man. He is such a beautiful piece of your Creation, and an absolute blessing to me (not to mention the perfect kind of thorn in my side [or is it a rib, in fact, and we just never realized it?]). Thank you. Help us sleep well at night, please. Heal us all, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Calling and Stressing

Sometimes, it feels like God is calling me in a certain direction, yet the world seems to be setting itself against my going in that direction. And sometimes, it feels like I am being offered a choice between two seemingly similar yet extremely different directions, and I truly cannot tell which is the one God is asking, recommending, calling me to pursue.

And sometimes, it’s both at the same time.

God, help me, please, to see clearly your will for me and my family and our life. Help me to see this next step clearly and to pursue and fulfill it with comfort, ease, and confidence in your guidance and will and love. Thank you for this life. Please, help me to live it at my best possible. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Jobs

I suddenly got the urge to check up on job postings for my man tonight (as I’m getting into bed, of course, because what else would I need to do when I’m needing to go to sleep?), so I did a quick search. I sent him one actual serious listing at first. Then I sent another that seemed interesting. Of course, it had shown up under the search criteria of “remote” for location, but, after checking after sending it to my man, I saw that it lists specific locations. Basically, that part was dumb. However, I’d already sent it to him. So, I iust added that I don’t actually want to move. It just sounded cool, and I liked that they included the salary range in the posting, so I was sharing with him.

But seriously, why do jobs not include a salary range in the posting in the first place???????? It actually matters, and it makes a difference on many levels. Plus, it would save a lot of time for a lot of people, including the ones who are doing the hiring in the first place. They waste loads of time interviewing overqualified candidates for low-paying positions, and also waste loads of time interviewing under qualified people for high-paying positions. Plus, who wants to get a job and find out after the fact that the company gave you the lowest possible salary, even though you’re massively qualified? Just be up front about it, please. Everyone.

Post-a-day 2023