Tag: family

Fashionably late

Tonight, after all of our own family activities and general gay atmosphere hanging out, my mom and I headed to my high school boyfriend’s family’s Christmas dessert gathering/social.

I sent him a message when we actually were getting close to leaving, but received to reply, and so I called him when we actually were leaving my brothers’ dad’s house.

The party was slowing down, but we could for sure come hang with him, if everyone else was gone, he said… and so I had him verify with his mom that it was still okay for us to come over (because we live over half an hour away), and she said to come on!

And so we went… and his dad’s dad was practically walking out the door as we arrived, the final guest at the gathering.

And yet, the whole family was there to greet us happily with hugs and cheer, and then hung out with us for what turned out to be about two and a half hours of good and real chat time.

We finally walked out the door, and we were shocked to find it was just shy of one in the morning(!).

But it had truly felt like we’d received a sort of VIP treatment for the party – when other guests are present, conversations are cut short/off regularly, and often only last a minute or three at most, and often less time with the host of a party… and yet we spent two and a half hours with direct conversation with the hosts of the party.

How often does that happen during a party?

Quite rarely for me, really… it’s always only if I arrive really early or stay to the end that I get the one-on-one time with the party host.

And yet we had full attention the entire time we were there – it was certainly like special treatment for this party!

I definitely feel like this puts a whole new level/dimension to being “fashionably late” to events. 😛

Post-a-day 2018

Will they get along?(!!!)

Imagine bringing your partner home to meet your family over Christmas.

… for the first time after everyone knows that you even have a partner.

Now, imagine getting extremely sick, fever and emergency room visit and all, and being buggered up in bed the entire time after the first day and a half.

Let’s hope your partner likes your family and vice versa, because they’re spending all the time together, and without you.

How terrifying that could be, but also how true a test of the match.

So far, we really like him, so it’s all good on our end… he even survived and participated well in game night fun with us all… super bonus for us.

We’ll just have to see if he ever comes back… ;P

Post-a-day 2018

Self-worth can hurt

Sometimes, we just have to re-evaluate situations that have always gone a certain way, and consider if they, when going that particular way, are consistent with who we are and with valuing ourselves.

Whenever family comes into town, I spend those days at my mom’s house, and I clear my schedule for those days – I am, therefore, nearby and always available and flexible for whatever activities everyone else plans.

I might plan a something or three myself with some of that family, but that is always extremely flexible, and I regularly move it around to accommodate other plans made by others as needed.

Today, I had a sudden discovery that I accept this situation, because I don’t want to be alone…, and I assume that no one will reach out to me to spend time with me, if I’m not nearby and readily available…., because I’m not worth it / valuable enough for them to think of reaching out to me, let alone coming across town to see me – I must go to them if I want to see them, because it doesn’t work the other way around.

That’s how I’ve seen it for years, anyway… (Whether it’s actually true or not is yet to be discovered, but it has been very real for me for quite some time.)

It hurts my heart for this little girl who feels this way…, undesired by her own family whom she loves, praises, and adores…, and then I recall that this little girl is not some third party, and I just want to shower myself with love that I somehow cannot see already, as I feel the hurt inside of feeling unwanted, and only passively loved.

(That’s not meaning that anyone wants me not around, but that nobody wants me around specifically.)

And so it kind of sucks all around right now…, but I also see that this new perspective can be of extreme value – I can begin now to set up standards and situations and expectations that support me, instead of ones that feed negatively into my life, decreasing my sense of self-worth via an excuse of, ‘Well, that’s where everyone else is,’ and ignoring the second half of the idea, where ‘and I’m not worth anyone’s reaching out or coming so far to spend time with me,’ is waiting secretly, sneakily…

So, this new discovery is still a bit difficult to stomach slash not bawl over over and over again, and I’m still glad I’ve made it – it is terrifying to face, and yet I find it to be about time for me to deal with this whole deal in all aspects of my life…

I am worth it…, and it is high time to have my actions support that, instead of the contrary.

Post-a-day 2018

My brother’s birthday

Today was the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice.

Today also was my brother’s birthday.

It was wonderful – I got to devote almost my entire day to delighting, empowering, and loving someone else, and it happened to be someone who openly appreciated it all and who truly experienced the love from all of us around him.

I’m not so sure there is much of a better feeling to be had than that…

Perhaps this could be something I organize doing more often, and not merely for special occasions… it is just so wonderful.

Post-a-day 2018

Siblings

I sometimes wonder if my attachment to objects is somehow strongly connected to how I grew up with my siblings…

You see, during my Freudian development years, I have five siblings, and it would be anywhere from all five to non of them around, depending on the current situation… and I have a feeling that it was more often none of them around than any.

I have this vague memory of having a room full of toys when I was really little – it’s just a glimpse sort of memory of this one moment in this one particular house and bedroom… I wonder if my mom kind of surrounded me by toys – granted, we had awesome, genius-type toys and books, not stupid stuff, but there might have been a decent amount of them around – as a means of giving me the company I lacked from my siblings… possibly not, but also possibly so, just not consciously so…

Or maybe I just associate with objects as very important, because those were the versions of my siblings that did stay around whenever the real ones left…

It is difficult for me to let go of things, – I let go of them nowadays, though it definitely takes a lot of work for me to do so – and I wonder if it isn’t in part due to their representing my being surrounded by people who love and care about me.

Maybe not… it was just an idea that floated around for a while, and sounded like an interesting possibility.

I do think it is kind of odd, though, how often it seems I was alone, sibling-wise, in my early years, when considering that I technically had five siblings.

That’s just how those divorces worked out, you know?

Post-a-day 2018

Home, I guess

Three and a half weeks ago, I moved the last of my belongings into my new housing location… tonight, I am spending my first official night here.

‘Why?’ you ask.

Because first, there was suddenly no hot water (first two weeks); then, it was fixed, but I was in the middle of my final papers and didn’t want to mess with moving myself during that (slash to a place with no internet during that) (one week); and then, I just got nervous about staying here, because it had been so long of not being here and of being in a place where I was emotionally comfortable (at my mom’s, spending lots of time with her) (this past weekend).

What’s funnier, is that I was supposed to move in here another three weeks before I did, but it was pushed back, due to a huge crack in the ceiling from the foundation repairs over the summer.

So really, it’s taken 47 days to move from one place to another, only a few neighborhoods over. 😛

Totally nuts, huh?

And then tonight, while showering, I find that the hot and cold are switched on the shower – I was genuinely concerned at first, since no hot water was arriving, but it worked out (phew!) – and then, when I gently turn the shower-head so that it isn’t pointing really far to the side, water starts shooting everywhere.

I quickly turned the water back to the tub faucet, and worked to remedy the sudden spewing situation on the shower-head, by tightening it back into place… only to find the shower-head suddenly in my hand – apparently it was waiting to break off.

I actually laughed at the absurdity of it, it was kind of like the straw that broke the camel’s bag of laughter – I was in no way stressed, but merely finding the total humor of it all.

It was a clean break, and so I set the shower-head on the floor and turned the water back to the shower function, using just the metal tubing to which the actual sprayer of the shower-head had been attached… it isn’t as efficient, for my shower or the planet, but it works, and it’ll do for now.

Oh, the delights of life… all of this on top of the fact that I’m home super late tonight, but have to be up early tomorrow, and I started feeling the symptoms of my body fighting infection this afternoon (super sore muscles in my upper back and all the way around of my neck).

God, thank you for these blessings I have received – please, help me to be happy, healthy, holy through them all.

Post-a-day 2018

Domestic International Travel

One of the things I love about Houston is how I can just immerse myself in different cultures here.

Tonight, my mom and I attended a festival that was in celebration of the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

Naturally, we were immersed in the Spanish-speaking world, with a great emphasis on Mexican culture (and Mexican Spanish).

And it was wonderful.

People, for a good part of it all, did not behave using U.S. standards of behavior – southern hospitality, southern sweetness, and southern chivalry were on vacation, for sure.

A small fight even broke out between two guys, and people broke it up and gently shoved people back on their way through the festival, almost immediately forgetting about the altercation that had just occurred in front of them.

Items for sale couldn’t have been more stereotypical, and they were all genuine.

Performances were wonderful and traditional.

And the food was spectacular and native, as much as is possible out of country… I wasn’t even hungry, and I had to get some, because I knew how good certain things would be. (And I was right, too. But I just had a taste, and then saved the rest for tomorrow.)

And it was all a really good time, the two of us kind of being two of the very few gringas and gringos at the event – it was such a genuine piece of culture that we were the ones who were visiting, as opposed to the event visiting Houston… (I hope you get what I mean by all of this – it isn’t intended to be ignorant or rude or anything of the sort, but merely showing an appreciation for the drop of foreign culture that is utterly at home and at its ease here in Houston.)

It was great.

Post-a-day 2018

Goals

Your goal should always be to aim higher than you think you can reach

-George Strake

29 Nov 2018

It was in the middle of a speech that George Strake said that, and I found myself in a whirlwind to write it down as quickly as possible, so that I could return to it continuously in the days to come.

I felt it to be of the utmost importance in my life, both immediately and long-term… and I have done just that, returning to it each day (sometimes multiple times a day).

I started tearing up when he said it, because I could see almost immediately how wonderfully fulfilling such an endeavor could be, while simultaneously seeing how I very much was not undertaking anything of the sort…

I tend to aim right where I know that I will succeed, and only on occasion do I aim a bit higher than I think I can get, but only when the outcome relies on someone else in some way – like someone else’s opinion says how it turns out – and it leaves me not to blame for the lack of achievement in the end…, but it is still very likely that I will achieve what I’d hoped to achieve anyway.

So, here I am now, wondering what I might actually do with this idea – will I pursue it, or merely be afraid of it for a while longer?

I do believe that I will pursue it, but I’m not sure when or to what degree I will do so… I guess it all depends on how much I’m willing to give up around ‘playing it safe’ in life, you know?

Post-a-day 2018

Alcohol

I kind of grew up in a world where nobody could see how people could party or have fun without alcohol… and yet I have never been able o see why people can have fun with it.

To me, alcohol has almost always shown up – for the party and having fun version of it – as a means of escaping real life, forgetting about what’s going on right now in one’s life, and numbing the mind enough not to be able to have genuine interactions, thereby keeping (or even creating) a distance between individuals.

Without alcohol, one kind of has to face and to deal with whatever is going on in one’s life, one has to face the people around oneself, and one has the opportunity to be genuine and close with those people, and have true connections and build real relationships… it is definitely difficult a lot of the time, but it more than pays off through the genuine connections and relationships that come out of it.

Also, when I consider how people use alcohol for the former purpose, I begin to feel sick with sadness.

That’s always been my own experience of alcohol on the party front.

I’ve learned through certain specific individuals how alcohol can be a fun – almost nerdy, even – something to have among friends and/or family, when it is used for its flavor, uniqueness, and quality, and not for its potency nor for the purpose or outcome of drunkenness.

I usually am utterly comfortable not having any alcohol in my life, however, I have learned to appreciate these somewhat nerdy joys that can be part of alcohol consumption… and I usually participate (as do most of the others) with a mere few sips of whatever the specified delight is, and am fully satisfied in the small, unaffecting amount.

But I also can see easily how alcohol could cease entirely to exist in my world; it just isn’t a requirement, even for those nerdy times – we can always get nerdy about homemade juices and smoothies and holiday drinks instead (and we often do, anyway).

And I never cared for nor was interested in alcohol for everyday consumption – I want water or tea at the end of the day, or maybe some gelato…, but not alcohol.

I’m not opposed to alcohol, I think – I was fine when with a close friend at bars and hangouts where he would have beers (but not at all to the point of drunkenness) and I might have a taste of whatever he had… I just don’t have much of any interest in it for myself.

But perhaps I do have an opposition to it, along with drugs, whenever used for becoming drunk…

Drunk on love, not alcohol, folks – that’s my motto for all of this. 😛

…

Just some thoughts on my mind tonight…

Post-a-day 2018

Best Friends

When my best friend and I talk, even about the most serious or important of things in life, we never fail to be utterly ridiculous somewhere in there, and crack ourselves up to the point of tears.

Today was no exception, as our planned important and serious conversation had a solid beginning that included my pushing the laptop camera quickly backward, as a means of expressing a digital version of tackling someone, and then we even somehow used the phrase “like a butt flapping in the wind”.

Best friends are great.

Thanks for that, God. 😉

Post-a-day 2018