Tag: self-expression

Day one (post)

Well, it happened. And it went well. It was odd, to be sure. But it was still good. I truly believe and see that God has put me here on purpose, to fulfill His will in service. It is still, however, very easy for me to forget that I am trusting in God wholly, and not to freak out about the sense of instability and financial crisis in my life right now. Someone commented today that I seemed very stressed. I told her clearly that she was right and that I am very stressed. I am finally starting to have periods throughout the day in which I do trust God wholly. But I still have much time during which I only trust Him partly – unintentionally so – and end up worrying about what to do to take care of myself and my family. So, I most definitely cried on my first day. And that’s okay and perfect. It built bonds I hadn’t known I had longer to have built. So, that also was really cool, in addition to odd. 😛

God, take us into Your hands, please, and care for us as You love us. Help us to love one another with more and more of Your love each day and night. Help us to be strong. Help us do and fulfill Your will in all that we do and in all that we are. Help us to find through that fulfillment of our own dreams that You have granted to us. Thank you for this life. Free me to let go and give it all up to you, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. It is very weird to me when I am taking to you, God, and I use the capitalized letters to reference you. Talking about you? Works perfectly. Talking to you? Feels super odd, and I have to keep reminding myself to do it. Thank you for understanding me, and especially all of my silliness. I love you. Amen again. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Day one

Tomorrow is the first day on which I will be part of the faculty/staff body at this school, sort of for real this time, my third time joining them. I am only teaching part-time, officially, and as a long-term sub, technically. However, I am the hired teacher of four French classes for the entire school year. And my name will be on the classes this time, and my name alone.

I am curious to see how they relate to me, the administration. Will they see me as someone helping out or as a teacher? In a way, this year will be a massive test for my fit at this school. It also will be a massive test for me for myself, regarding my effectiveness at teaching. I know I can do very well in the short-term. But how do my methods and plans and organization translate to the longer-term? We certainly shall see, shan’t we? (I do hope so, anyway!)

God, guide me to do my best and to share your love. Help me always to pursue and fulfill your will. Grant me the gift of words that make the positive difference for all. In your name, I pray. And thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Trust like children

I shared with my aunt today about the kakizome and the idea of these dreams God has given me being like the center of a labyrinth – they were recently just within sight and reach, but have suddenly swooped far away, like I have gone to the outer edges of the labyrinth… yet a labyrinth only has one path, and it eventually will turn all the way to the center goal… we just have to walk the whole thing, which weaves inward and outward many a times. She commented that the labyrinth comparison was a very good one to remember for all of life, that, yes, God is with us and guiding us and there is truly the one pathway on which He is guiding us, even though it seems to wander near to and far from our goals again and again…, but it still will reach there eventually. We just have to trust in God and follow His guidance.

On that note, she also commented that, when we trust in God, everything is easy. ‘That’s why He says to trust Him as children trust,’ she said. Because children trust wholly. As they grow up, they experience betrayal and they learn to be distrustful of others and of the world. But, when children are children, they trust wholly, and it is easy for them to be happy and free. Even when something bad happens, they are sad for a bit, and then bounce right back to being happy and free. They are trusting that they are cared for, that they are safe, that all is well.. even if they aren’t aware of it, they are trusting. And life is easy for them then.

What if we could trust God as children trust life? How free and easy we could be…

So, that is my goal: To keep an eye on my trust. If I am not free and easy, I can look to see where I am not trusting God in that moment. And then I can let it go and give it up to God, and trust in Him there, too. Just from our conversation this morning, I was able to see so much of how I was resisting trusting God, which was why I was so stressed still. As soon as I let it all go and gave it up to God, I suddenly was lighter physically, and was ready to go run errands I had dreaded so much, I had anticipated avoiding them entirely and skipping them. I went and shopped for – and found! – tops for work that fit me at two separate shops. And I had a great time. I wasn’t even stressed about it, though I had been the other day. I noticed the marked difference in how easy it was to find things and also to be okay when things didn’t fit, and just to move on without getting upset. It didn’t even occur to me to get upset when things didn’t fit, be they too big or too small, though that had not been the case the last two trips I’d made to look for work clothes. I’m not saying life was happy-go-lucky today. But it was significantly easier than it had been. And I actually had a great time today doing all of it.

I even had the first shop accidentally not give me the shoes I’d purchased, and I didn’t find out until after dinner tonight. I was loaded with adrenaline when I realized the error, and I was hoping they hadn’t re-sold the shoes to someone else, but I didn’t have this heavy sense of panic I typically might have gotten (or would have gotten recently, anyway). I just took action, found out the shop still had them for me, and got back dressed instead of showering and going to bed, and went to pick them up. I’m getting to bed an hour later than planned. And yet I had a good time even going to pick up the shoes. I’m still in a good mood now, and hour and a half past when I’d hoped to be in bed tonight. And it’s okay. I’m taking steps to improve, and I am trusting in God on a whole new level now… and it is amazing. And it is growing. And I love it all.

And I even had horrible diarrhea today, and I’m still in a great mood. It’s ridiculous and wonderful.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

God’s plans

A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates one’s kakizome, “first writing”, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is one’s goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (that’s when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This year’s… well, we’ll get to that.

Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand God’s plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.

Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway… it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans… When the labyrinth of God’s love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path… faith gets tested, to be sure.

And that is, basically, my every day right now… and that kind of really sucks…

What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is “faith in God”, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – ‘Jesus, I trust in you.’ Like that.

So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ‘nother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully… there is not much this year where I haven’t given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go still…

I’m genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.

Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.

Saint Jude, pray for us.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Goals and problems

Today, I started out the day with a few specific goals, mostly of watching all these videos I had lined up from this really great learning resource. That partly happened.

What happened unexpectedly was a tough conversation that ended in a massive stalemate. I won’t stop loving the person, of course, but the disregard for health and well-being is very difficult for me to accept. I want that person to be here for a long time and to be fully healthy and well for all of that time, for as long as possible. I also want to spend time together with this person, and a lot. Yet the subject of our disagreement necessarily takes away the chance of most of those desires. And it just really hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it.

God, please, give me clear guidance here. Please, help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

But is it real?!?!

I was planning to shop for work clothes and that leather bag today at Walmart and at resale shops. However, my menstruation that began this morning kind of started hitting me hard by about midday – that, ‘It feels like diarrhea, but in the wrong place,’ feeling in the lower front part of my belly (aka my whole uterus area). So, I just got the Velcro I needed at Walmart, glanced quickly at the clothes and declined them, then went to three resale shops. I was quick in each, not even five minutes in any one of them. I got in, looked through all their bags, and got out. Well, I was probably in the first one a little over five minutes, because I had to wait in line to buy this great small leather purse that I likely will be using for a project in the future. It was two dollars efficiently spent, I tell you.

Then, there was nothing at the second store I liked much, so I was there only about two minutes, going through all their purses and handbags. It was easy not being in a mood to try on clothes. I knew I could do that another time with comparable ease. Today was focused on the Velcro and the bag search.

At the third resale shop, though, right as I entered, I glimpsed a bag behind a counter. A man asked if I needed help, and, though I hadn’t fully determined that I wanted to see the bag up close, I went ahead and asked to see it. After some quick research online, I agreed to buy the bag. I walked the store quickly, just to make sure I wasn’t missing some gem somewhere, and then purchased the leather bag.

I called my man to tell him I was headed home and that I’d found a bag. And, not only is it a good quality, real leather piece that I like, nor was it merely $35 plus tax, but it was also ‘a stinking name brand purse.’.

His immediate response was, “Is it real? Are you sure it’s not a fake?”

“No, I’m not sure! But now I want to know!”

It hadn’t even occurred to me that it might be a fake, because, well, I DIDN’T CARE. I cared about the quality and the leather, and those two things had checked the boxes. The name on it was more funny to me than anything else. But, now that he had mentioned the idea, I suddenly absolutely wanted to know if it was real or a fake. Mind you, I was and am still fully aware of the fact that it does not matter if the bag is a fake or not – we both agree it was a good purchase, whatever the case. I just really want to know, now that he’s brought up the idea.

And that almost feels stupider than caring about it for the sake of purchasing a crazy expensive purse just for the name. But, anyway, I still want to know now.

I looked up one article immediately and started comparing. Coincidentally, it passed the main tests – quality stitching, matching threads, quality and heavy-duty metal parts, quality and matching bordering leather. However, there is one test it fails: the tag. It doesn’t have a fabric tag inside it anymore. However, from what a quick search showed me, the bag is from the ‘90s. From the inside of the bag, this thing was not treated kindly by its last owner… at all. I crossed bags online with that little fabric tag partly or almost fully shredded. It would not surprise me if such a thing happened to such a tag in this bag. However, I will check tomorrow if there seems to be a seen in the right spot for that missing tag. In addition to that, the long strap on it has different thread. So, there’s a definite chance that the strap did not originally come with the bag. And the strap may be fake or may be from just another D&B bag altogether, and it merely got switched or stolen one day (mean that as you like it).

So, I’ll do some more online research tomorrow, especially with how to clean this poor thing. It really is great quality, especially seeing how terribly it must have been treated and how well it held up. With a good clean and conditioning, though, I think this bag will look spectacular again. And, as I said, whether it’s a real or a fake D&B purse, it was still worth the $35.

…. But I still want to know. 😛

Thank you, God, for this life and this success and fun today. Thank you for the amazing family dinner and music tonight. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my man, who carries part of my heart with him always now – thank you for such a blessing. Help us all to pursue and fulfill your will, being our best selves, better and better each day. Thank you. I love you. We love you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Searching

I’m just searching for some quality work clothing and a quality (used, because I can’t afford new) leather handbag. But that, apparently, is too much to request from our clothing industry right now.

And that is just so, so sad…

There is so much junk out there. There is so much junk that will get thrown away without ever being sold. And there is so much junk that will fall apart quickly after people start to use it. And it isn’t even a matter of just not buying the junk – there is too much junk and too little out there that is of quality. I cannot even find the quality stuff(!!!!). (Aaaahhhhrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The only place I’ve found not-junk (but also still loads of junk) has been as resale shops. I actually found a great leather handbag in one shop today – no, it isn’t even a name brand bag, because even most of those are rather crappy quality and aren’t actual leather anymore – but it is a bit big for my purposes. So, my search continues for the quality leather handbag.

Finding clothes has been distressingly difficult. They cost more than ever right now, yet their quality is significantly worse than they were even a few years ago. One distinct thing I noticed during the previous presidency was that product quality in general, clothing included, increased. Things were suddenly made better or they didn’t sell. And lots was made in the USA, and not crappily. It was suddenly kind of easy to find whatever I wanted as a product made in the USA and made well, and at a very reasonable price. Not cheap, but reasonable and worth the quality. Now, I am very much not into politics, but I have noticed that clear difference. During this presidency, there has been a weird supply chain issue, along with an intense drop of quality in products and a huge jump of products from China, and yes, I mean the crappy kind, exploding out of almost every store. On top of that, the prices of the junk are higher than the quality and quality made-in-the-USA products’ prices a few years ago.

Just the waste of it all is sad enough. But the lack of fair wages and intense markup pricing brings it all to a whole ‘nother level of sad…

Dear God, please, help us to restore quality to this planet, and on all levels. Help us begin with providing quality services, quality care, and quality products to one another. Help us all to learn to care about our own work and about the work of others. Help us to appreciate truly the value of quality work, services, products, and love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A great day

And, boy(!), did we get loads accomplished in the yard today! I had an amazing time today, taking it easy while using my physical energy to make improvements to our backyard. We added so much beauty today, it was such a blessing to be able to do it all. And it was even more of a blessing not to have to check the clock… at all. We just got to take care of things, have fun together, argue a lot about what way to do certain things (especially when one of us already had a way we were going to do it, and the other didn’t realize that), and learn to let it go and continue onward together, even when we did separate things from one another. It was just a beautiful day making beautiful things.

And, oh, yeah, it was extremely hot. One neighbor mentioned that there may even have been a heat warning… so, there’s that.

But today was such a blessing and a meditation and a working out of kinks, it was perfect.

Thank you, God, for this day. We tidied so much more than just the yard today. Thank you for all of it. Help us always to see clearly our next step to fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Saturday night

We went to Mass this evening, and I kind of really like doing that. There is something about ‘making sure we go to Mass’ on Sunday that usually makes Sundays just not feel like a day of rest. I certainly want to go to Mass. But there is something about going Saturday evening that makes so much more seem possible in a weekend. It’s easy to have dinner after a 5pm on Saturday, because we can stay up late Saturday night. But dinner after a 5pm on Sunday must be quick and orderly, and we have to ‘get to it’ to get everything ready for bed and for an early start Monday morning. If we do Sunday morning Mass, we can’t stay up late Saturday night, removing much of the fun of having a Saturday night without a day of work after it, but with a day of rest to follow. Granted, we aren’t going out and partying hard or anything. Oftentimes, we are just doing things at home after dinner, or wanting to watch a movie or something, just hanging out together, even. But we’d have to cut it all short, especially in the summer, to go get ready for bed, if we had Mass the next morning. Plus, there is a certain stress around making sure alarms are set for everyone to get up and out the door in time for Church the next morning, allied with getting as much sleep as possible yet practicable. We can never seem to get to bed truly early enough on a Saturday night – we have too much energy for that on Saturdays – not to be rushing the next morning to get to Mass. So, Sunday morning Mass always has a certain stress tied to it.

What’s more, I get stressed having to keep an eye on the time all day to make sure we don’t miss the only chance we have for something. By going to Mass Saturday, the idea of having the options of Sunday morning and evening, just in case something changes or comes up, gives me great ease…

Coming home from Mass on Sunday requires down time for me. Often, I want to go do something, to celebrate the joys we just got to experience in Mass. But that doesn’t work out so easily on a Sunday evening, for reasons already mentioned, or on a Sunday after morning Mass, because it’s time to start getting ready for lunch and anything else that needs to get done that day before bedtime routines need to start.

This may all sound ridiculous, but it is very real for me. I had forgotten the ease that came with Saturday vigil. Experiencing it tonight brought forth a release of stress that I hadn’t fully realized I’d been carrying about Sunday Mass. But, boy, can I feel the lifting of that weight tonight as I go to bed…

I can now look forward to a Sunday in which I don’t have to get dressed up or go be around and with a lot of people. I can truly have a day of rest and contemplation in my own home. The hubbub and buzz of going to Church is much more suiting for Saturday and its many activities and events and general happenings around town. The restful start – without the alarm and rushing to get ready and out the door – with no requirements but to be faithful and to be here, makes Sunday a true day of rest, and, thereby, prayer and contemplation, as well as an offering to God. Wow.

Thank you, God, for this insight into my relationship with you and with the world around me. Thank you for this love. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A prayer for work

Dear Lord, please, help my man to find relief and fulfillment in his work. If this is not the job for him, help him to find clearly what he must do now and next, and when next is. Please, make his every step clear for us both, that we may pursue and fulfill your will through his work. Grant him ease and confidence, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023