Month: August 2021

Hmm…

I think that, if being honest and open with people overwhelms them, frightens them, then that is OK – they are just not the people meant to be in your life right now. They were here so that you could express yourself, and, now that that has happened, they are not meant to be here with you anymore.Perhaps they are not ready for who you are yet. Perhaps they never will be. Whatever the case, there is nothing wrong with their temporary passing through your life. It is just what’s so.

Post-a-day 2021

Lovely life, lovely strife

Sometimes, life feels unreasonably difficult. It is often music that helps me to reground in these times. And, somehow, this particular song, over and over, does just that, giving me both hope and a reminder that I can do this and the Universe and God are with me, supporting me on this path.

I know that it is I who have chosen to pursue this path. I am the one who chose to do things as I did, and I am the one who will continue to choose how I do things going forward. Sometimes, it feels like I picked wrong, chose wrong. Sometimes, I find myself mourning what feels like a major loss of potential or opportunity in my life. Right now, I feel that with teaching. Every time I teach, I am reminded of the life I could have led, had I continued in my pursuit of full-time high school teaching.

However, every time I teach, I am also reminded of how miserable I end up becoming at some point in the mix. There is something about it that just does not work with who I am in this life, who I am meant to be, and what I am made and meant to do.

Be who you are meant to be, and you will set the world on fire. I love that phrase. Yet, when I teach full-time in a school, I sometimes end up wanting to pull out a flame-thrower on my whole life, and just burn it to the ground. Definitely not the same idea…

So, I am 100% here in the life on this planet to teach. But I haven’t yet figured out in what capacity. I am heading in a direction that feels right, and in such an unexpected and terrifying way that only God and the Universe would have planned such a pattern. I am not there yet, though, and there are still many places for change, plus there will be a lot of work I have to put into it all, especially in the next year. A lot.

But it is something I want to do. So, even though I don’t know how I will earn enough money to function, come November, I believe this is the path for me, and so I will blaze forth. Dear God and O my Universe, please, help me to create the strength, courage, and love I need to make this beauty possible, as best as I possibly can make it happen. Guide me as I step forward into this next What’s next.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2021

Hold

Some days,

I just want to hold some

Body.

Some days,

I just want to hold

Myself.

And some days,

I just want some body

To hold me.

But most days,

The first and the last

Are on hold.

I’m growing weary,

So often being on hold.

I’m growing tired,

Of being all I have to hold,

While on hold,

on my own.

Post-a-day 2021

Now, must sleep

Well, it looks like I missed the regular alarms this morning. My body required that I rest. It still wasn’t much sleep, but it was loads more than the two and a half hours it would have been.

School went okay, though was somewhat tiring, as expected. I had a cleaning at the new dentist this afternoon, and he gave much praise on my oral health and home care. It had been almost four years since my last cleaning, and he never would have guessed – I had less plaque buildup than most anybody who comes through. And they come through every four to six months.

Also, I got to watch a friend practice with aerial silks, which was awesome.

Post-a-day 2021

Moving on up

I guess you could say my credits finally transferred fully today. You see, I started out in the adult division this sprint as a yellow belt, not white. But I hadn’t done any adult division before this year – only junior division. But I had gotten to the top belt level in the junior division, red belt.

Nowadays, they offer a dual credit, where junior students who are close to the age limit for juniors can take the tests for the adult belts, alongside their junior belt tests. That way, when they reach the adult age group, they don’t have to begin again at white, but just can continue. That was not a thing when I was a kid, however.

Nonetheless, the instructor started me off with the second belt level, yellow. I did all the classes (and then some) and participated in and helped with the tournament, and then took the belt test and moved up a level, to orange.

But then, the instructor asked if I would be comfortable, if given approval by the head of the whole organization, moving up a few belt levels at the upcoming belt test. I was, and I told her so.

A few days later, she told me that I not only would be able to move over a few levels, but that I would be passing through another three levels (four total), and would be testing to receive my brown belt (the one just below black).

I was excited, but knew a lot of work would be needed in order to pass the test – I definitely did not know the katas.

However, these past several days, I have learned them.

Tonight, I performed them, as well as the original kata I created this morning while on a break at school.

And no onlookers would have known that I learned them all in under a week, with only a total of about two hours of practice.

All in all, I did an excellent job on the test as a whole, which is exactly what I had wanted to do. Still room for improvement on site-ups speed and katas. All the test, however, is golden.

And I am officially a brown belt in American Karate now, which is very, very cool.

Post-a-day 2021

Class tomorrow

What am I doing in classes tomorrow? Unsure at present.

Am I worried? Not really, no.

I have a plan in place regarding what I shall look into first. I have a rough idea of how that will play out in terms of what we will do in class. And I have multiple back-up plans already in my mind.

I have a touch of stress about it, because it is not yet handled. But I was so exhausted last week, I knew I needed to go ahead and leave. I evaluated decently enough that I could handle what was next on Monday before classes, and that is just what I shall do.

I still have no locker, though, so it looks as though I simply will arrive to school…. oh, wait. Let me pack a towel and soap. I’ll shower quickly at the gym and go from there. I’m not having to make morning practice tomorrow, so I can handle it, just so long as I shower and change quickly. I don’t want to do that regularly, but I can make it happen for tomorrow this once.

Post-a-day 2021

Saturday night

I didn’t go right to sleep when I got home. I stressed a little, ate sufficient food, tidied a little further, then chatted for over three hours with a friend on the phone. At one point, she asked me how karate was going, and I ended up pulling myself off the floor and pulling out the videos of the katas I have to do this coming Monday. I mostly knew the steps of one, and the beginning of the other, from watching the videos and stepping through Thursday night after testing in class for the other stuff. Today and this week have been so exhausting, though, I had already forgotten about needing to learn the katas this weekend. But I got up and got to work.

She stayed with me on the phone as I did it, and she even commented that she felt like she understood exactly what I was doing, just by listening to me. Hearing me work through out loud each part and combination and re-doing and adding and remembering and learning and breathing and exclaiming thoughts, she was right there with me in my mind as I figured it all out and worked through everything. Sure, she knows next to nothing about karate. But she knows dance and she knows choreography, so she understands the process. I think it was actually a lot of unexpected fun for the both of us.

Anyway, I think I know the two katas now. I just have to focus tomorrow on the details of the various steps and movements, and then go through for nit-picking improvements with the instructor before actually performing them Monday evening.

And, of course, I have to make up my own and perform that, too…

On that note, though I stayed up way late doing all of that, I shall sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow, aside from all of this, already.

Post-a-day 2021

Bizarre

“He-llo.”

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Wiping boogers on my knee, and marveling at how one looks like a squid.”

“…”

“…”

“Don’t you hate being dirty?”

“Yes. But I’m about to shower, and so a little bit more dirt apparently doesn’t bug me right now…”

“…Ooooo-kaaayyy…”

“I know… Trust me. I know…”

Gotta love the weird folks. 😛

P.S. Happy Friday, the 13th!!

Post-a-day 2021

Beginning to breathe

The first day of school was a decent success. Sure, it was way too hot in the building, though the air was blasting loudly – so loudly that it was difficult to hear many of the students through masks -, as it has almost entirely broken and is being coaxed into working reasonably until replacement parts can arrive (very expensive replacement parts). And yes, we ran out of time and didn’t finish half of what I had intended for the first class. However, I liked the kids, and I think the like and respect and, at least slightly, fear me. All of which is a very good beginning.

One student, upon recognizing me in the hall, immediately hugged me fervently, not for the first time. It was adorable, and also empowering. I had only been their teacher for nine weeks, and yet had made such an impact on the lives of several. I know that I will have to be the Mrs. Wood – the teacher who somehow made me feel pathetic and useless and not good enough and embarrassed, though I had always felt like she cared about me – and unintentionally cause upset for certain people, certain students. Not everyone is ready to hear me when I enter their lives. But, for the ones who are, it is magical to see how my dreams are being achieved in their successes moving forward in life.

I am terrified of all the work this will entail, the time it will take to do the job I want to do. And I am ready.

Let’s go, Clark*.

*Kent… because I am the superhero setting aside my workout gear, and putting on the undercover suit for a while.

Post-a-day 2021

School begins

Watch out, World! Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I’m coming for you.

It is consistently amazing how wonderful life can be, especially amidst all the junk and struggles, when we are honoring ourselves by being true to ourselves and being our best selves. I am being who I truly am, andI can hardly wait for what nonsense the World will throw at me tomorrow.

Bring it, my love, and we shall make beauty together. ❤

Post-a-day 2021