hannah.ananas

Baby steps

As I’ve started to sit in the space of that I was actually very strongly and negatively affected by the stuff with the gym folks in August, things are starting to shift slowly within me.

We went on a long walk yesterday. Today, while relaxing with a film after dinner, I had a desire to do some arm work. So, I got the dumbbell and did sets of curls and strict presses for a bit while watching the movie.

These might and do seem small on their own. However, I can feel how massive they are by the weight they are both lifting from me. This is the direction I want to go. I so incredibly missed doing intense workouts, I can hardly stand it… lately, it has been hard to stand myself, really. I want these workouts and they make all the difference for me and my mental and physical and spiritual health. I want them in my life still.

And I know I have a lot to release in order to get back into them fully. Nonetheless, I will persist in my efforts to increase my exercise activity levels, as well as to release and release and release, so that I can complete. I have begun to reach a new stage of this strain. Instead of feeling pathetic as a victim, or apathetic or wanting to avoid every or merely depressed, I am entering the rage stage. I just want to scream and yell at them and be mad at how crappily they each did their jobs – I just want the whole world to know that these people failed miserably and neither noticed nor cared how any of it affected anyone else, especially me. The phase doesn’t feel long. I think I’ll just need to say it aloud and be angry for a few days, and then I’ll be able to let it go and move onward. Rage never lasts long for me. And it is always a sign of progress, as it is never my first phase in a situation. So, in this case, rage is good. Rage is very good. Haha 😛

Dear God, thank you for helping me to know myself and for helping me to experience this outrage and anger. Thank you for showing me the love and the responsibility that I do deserve and that does work in the world, such that I could be enraged at how these particular people treated me. Thank you for this opportunity to step away from a community that was no longer lifting me up and improving me. And thank you for whatever wonders are to come as I let this all go for good. Thank you for this life. Thank you. I love you. I love me, too. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A good evening

We went walking at the park this evening as a family. Of course, it started to rain just as we arrived, and my man didn’t pay attention when I’d said earlier that I was going to walk the whole loop. So, we had a rough start to it all. But the rain quit quickly, and he peed in the woods, so it worked out in the end, and we had a very nice walk. We even saw – first time for me! – some bull frogs and some were even hooping and hollering with their crazy croaks! And we saw a boatload of frogs in the lake and a large-ish snakes that kept trying and failing to catch frogs (or something). Very exciting for the two of us, but the dog didn’t seem to care or notice. 😛

After the walk – well, near the end, we were smelling steak cooking, and it made us want burgers – we stopped at a place we just were passing on the way home and had burgers. We actually ended up with one burger cut in half and a steak, because it was their weekly steak night, and steak also sounded great. The dog enjoyed it all, too, especially the part where she got a lot of steak fat from that ribeye.

Oh! We also each had an on-tap beer. I very much enjoyed my fresh Blue Moon with an orange. It had been years since I’d had one. However, my man didn’t know that I just like to eat the orange and don’t actually want it in the beer. He even got two slices for me. Not realizing that I’d left them on the rim on purpose, he started to squeeze one into the beer… that didn’t go over so well. But we did agree that I am ridiculous and weird, and I got to eat the other orange slice untouched, so it sorted out well enough. 😛

And, somehow, throughout it all, I got almost no bug bites whatsoever. Very, very cool. Great surprise right there. Much gratitude.

All in all, it was a good evening and night, and I’m glad we got to do it.

Thank you, God, for this blessing of this evening. It was truly lovely. Thank you. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A Prayer

Ave María, grátia plena, Dóminus tecum. Benedícta tu in muliéribus, et benedíctus fructus ventris tui, Iesus. Sancta María, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatóribus, nunc, et in hora mortis nostræ.

Amen.

Things are starting to shift significantly within me. I can feel the progress being made at present while I let it all be in the face of God. I have let His hands begin to work rather directly with it all, and He is incredibly capable, I am seeing firsthand.

Thank you, God. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

A question:

When did I stop mattering? Or, rather, when did I stop being good enough? Worth it?

It was, almost, easy for quite a while for me to take care of myself. For me to go to bed early to get enough sleep, to wake up early with my natural body rhythm, to exercise greatly, to feed myself very nutritious foods almost always… to take true care of myself. It took little mental effort for so long…

Then something changed.

I don’t know what specifics it was or when, but something big changed inside. Something snapped for me. I have a feeling it was in August when the stuff went down with the gym… actually, yes, that was exactly it. (Haha. Duh. Already blocking it out, I guess! Better work on completing it instead, or I’ll be stuck in this cycle and state for even longer.) Yeah, that gym stuff really shat on me, for lack of better phrasing.

It’s interesting to see how subtle crap like that can have someone go from physically fit and strong, emotionally powerful, empowered, eager for life, and inspiring to a mere shadow of herself, both in terms of presence and in terms of the physical body. As I said to my mom the other day, referencing my being, my energetic space, “I keep getting smaller.” But the same could just as truly be said about my physical space. I’m down likely no body fat, but purely muscle loss of about ten pounds. I was already at nearly-prime physical fitness when I weighed 124lbs last year. The fact that I weigh 114 right now is starting to be a bit scary. Ten pounds is a massive change when one is only 124lbs to begin.

To add some extra context, when I was athletic in college, I weighed about 125-126. Later, when I was not doing great with my physical health and fitness, and I had gotten very sedentary (but never fat), I weighed 130lbs. Weight fluctuated between 128 and 130 on any given day for a few years. After a year at the gym, my muscle mass was way up and my fat was way down – yes, I did body scans for relative comparison over time – and my weight had only gone down about five pounds. So, in my prime physical fitness, I weighed about 124-125. That’s only a 5-6-pound difference from my heaviest. I’ve been in the same five-pound range my whole adult life. Now, in a matter of months, I am suddenly down ten pounds.

Not a great feeling in the mind.

I also have felt that I am, through allowing this struggle, torturing myself. And it hurts all the more that I can’t seem to figure out how to stop it, how to heal it for good. All efforts so far have been necessary, fear-based, and only meant to be temporary. I know they won’t solve anything, but I also know every little bit helps right now.

I think I might just want to sit with this tonight, sit with this sadness and the open-ended space for what I want to create for what’s next. Something is always next, and we always have a say in it. So, I will sit with this all tonight and see where it leads me for tomorrow’s considerations and inspirations.

Thank you, God, for this able-bodied brain and true logic. Help me to use them well, especially concerning my health and well-being. Help me to let go of the anger and the hurt and the need to fight back and attack and scream and yell at them for being so horrid to me. Help me to say to you what I seem to need to say and where I feel I need to be heard. Hear me, please, and help me to release and complete all of this pain and frustration I’ve been carrying around and by which I have somewhat literally been starving. And, if it be your will, please, teach those people not to be jerks – help them to see the light of you, so I don’t have to feel like punching them in the face anymore. That would be great, too. Thank you for a sense of humor. I appreciate when you make me laugh at absurdities. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. If you want to pray for my healing and my completion with all those events last year, I would appreciate it and I welcome the loving prayers. 😉 Thank you, too.

Post-a-day 2023

A big day

Firstly, I just will say that I had an almost-normal BM this morning, and that was awesome. Woohoo!

Now, the bigger news in my head: My man went to Mexico today. And he came back today, too. All by car.

He had to extend or complete his vehicle registration for use in Mexico, which he had set up when he drove down there for the New Year’s vacation time. He just hadn’t closed it, as he’d expected to go back at least once more before late June. However, having seen this past week that he won’t be making it back down way south in the next three weeks, we found it best for him to go to the border today and handle the necessary paperwork. So, he left around 10:30 this morning, and got back just after midnight tonight. And, I kid you not, his car looks like he destroyed school upon school of bugs… it is coated… like 3-D paint, actually. Haha Apparently, there are even feathers in the mix, which is kind of sad, really. But that’s how it goes sometimes. I’m glad he was kept safe through it all.

Thank you, God, for the safe travels and successful trip of my man today. Grant him and me both the rest we need tonight to give us the ability and energy to do great things tomorrow, always pursuing and fulfilling your will, hopefully with increased clarity all the while. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Last day of this yet?

Well, today showed no signs of diarrhea.

It showed no signs of a BM at all, unfortunately.

I ate quite normally today. Eggs and bacon to start, and a bit of beef jerky and dried fruits, yogurt, some other stuff, and pho. I keep wondering how I am possibly storing all this stuff inside me. It is uncomfortable, but only like a single tough meal kind of uncomfortable, not like the previous few days uncomfortable. Oh, but goodness… I need to release my bowels… my brain can barely handle this right now, and staying away from thoughts of germs and problems resulting from constipation…

Dear God, please, heal my body. Help me to go poo on the toilet in the morning, and to release all this buildup inside of me. Heal my body and mind, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Baby steps… forward?

Well, I ate some solid food today… but not a ton. And, unfortunately, I was very much craving steak for dinner time…, so I had some. My body was very clear with me as to when it was time to stop, a point much sooner in the meal than is usual when it comes to home-grilled steaks.

However, my belly had been filled with gas for hours beforehand, giving me miserable pains that occasionally incapacitated me or made me yell out involuntarily, but that I could not seem to relieve. Hours and hours later – meaning around midnight, enough gas had released that I no longer was carefully clutching myself and avoiding moving too much or in the wrong way.

At last, I think I can possibly go to sleep in my bed and actually sleep. I hope, anyway… and, hopefully, a solid – literally – BM will release after I awaken in the morning.

Fingers crossed!

God, heal us all, please, and help us to rejuvenate fully always with sleep. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Belly problems

Still on the indigestion train here. Or, perhaps, just again, one day later. Though, if I didn’t have a normal BM, I imagine I never actually got off that train in the first place.

So, yeah…

Struggled to sleep starting around 1:30 in the morning. Got up to my alarm and rushed to the bathroom this morning. Repeated twice more before leaving. Repeated twice at the office where I was presenting… and something similar many times later on at home. I’ve basically been unable to get almost anything done today, thanks to my belly hurting off and on and needing to go to the bathroom so intensely at varied intervals (sometimes twice again before I even leave the bathroom)…

God, heal me now, please. Let me sleep well tonight and awaken healed. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Food allergies

Why must I have such a sensitive stomach? Why?

Ugh!

I just got over having an actual mild fever due to some kind of food issue in my stomach. Now, after feeling actually good today, I have to end up with a dinner that makes me feel like I’m about to be spewing from both ends at once? Really?

Ugh.

God, help me, please. Heal me. Heal us. Please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Please, enjoy the message I sent to my cousin for his birthday today:

Cousin. I believe today has been your birthday. I have a mild case of food poisoning/intense case of indigestion and a fever, so I let it get away from me.
If you can, imagine a phone call from me, in which my mom and P—— and I all sing “Happy Birthday” – remember that my mom will be off-sync, due to being on a different phone, and P—— will be in and out with the vocals due to what’s next in the sentence – while P—— gives his honest but digressing attempts, due to a lack of practicing, at playing the melody of the song on piano while also keeping normal time, and I do my best to follow his lead for the base chords, since he’s the melody and the melody is in charge. Likely, I also, chime in and out with the vocals, because, no matter how many times we practice, when it starts to go poorly, I can’t stop laughing hysterically and mostly silently.
We might even have thrown in there “Las Mañanitas” for you, sung by my mom, in which case, you have almost no vocals for the English “Happy Birthday,” because P—— is concentrating so hard on playing notes and keeping in time and I’m too busy holding my gut as I keel over laughing but still diligently playing the piano part correctly.
Hope that brightens your day! Happy, Happy Birthday, Cousin!!

Also, enjoy photos of our real life egg hunt today

This last one is the one we never found at Easter. I guess a raccoon got it and ate the candy inside… and, possibly, the other half, too?

One of the eight possible candidates for the real eggs

Happy Birthday! Chickens laid eggs today for your birthday!

I’d say it’s a darn solid birthday message, especially considering my being somewhat sick and all. Decently done, Nanner! Decently done! Haha 😛

Dear God, please, gran my cousin safety and success in his endeavours to do your will. Thank you for such a wonderful cousin and friend. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023