Tag: emotions

Prayer

Some nights, when I’m getting ready for bed, after I’ve already prayed the rosary with Mark Wahlberg, I listen to a chanting-sung version by a German-born, Ecuadorian-raised sibling-group called “Harpa Dei”. Their prayer-song-chant is called “Rosary of the Nations”. It is sung with what I call a Latin base, and accents in Hebrew, English, Spanish, German, and French, with each decade having a different focus language. It is lovely and it is calming. Every night I play it before bed, I go to bed calm and feeling easy and somewhat light. Perhaps it releases the yoke, somehow…

Whatever the case, it is lovely. I actually donated to have the real version of it – high quality audio for the win – instead of the YouTube one, but here is the YouTube one, in case you’d like to give it a listen. I love it and I love how it improves my life each night.

Thank you, God, for sharing these prayers and this version with me. Please, bless Harpa Dei for these gifts they share so wonderfully with the world. Thank you for the love. Please, heal my grandma and my brothers’ dad. Thank you for this life and all of its love and opportunity. In your name, I pray. Amen.

P.S. If you would like to learn more about the group and consider purchasing any of their albums, via donation, click here to see their website.

Post-a-day 2023

Didn’t I just say…?

And here I am today, stressing out to tears about what I do not know about my job status. Was I even there yesterday when I thought all about how the need to know has its roots in the devil himself, and then I wrote all about it, too??

Granted, I slept a total of about three hours last night – woke up at 00:44, and couldn’t ever fall back asleep – so I was ridiculously tired today. I even thought about the whole conversation at one point in my crying misery today, and it helped, but I could tell I was just so tired, I couldn’t fully apply it to my present situation and just let go. I was genuinely sad and terribly tired. Not an easy combo for letting things go and feeling rational.

Fortunately, a coworker let me just be with what I needed to express, and she accepted and understood my sadness and acknowledged that it made sense on all accounts that I was feeling that way… and then she just hung out with me for an hour and a half, and we got to be totally normal people for a short while. And it was just a huge gulp of fresh air that I have been wanting and needing for quite some time. It feels now almost like we played hooky for an hour. But, really, I still went and got loads of work done afterward, anyway, so it was clearly rejuvenating for me.

I think I just need to get some good sleep tonight, and to take good care of myself and my work tomorrow, and then go to bed early tomorrow night. Once I’ve rested well, I can look to see what I actually need and want to do about all of this. Perhaps I will need to have a conversation with an administrator about my position, but there’s a high chance that conversation will be a bit different from the one I mentioned possibly having today. So, we shall see.

For now, goodnight and sweet dreams and blessings be upon you. In God’s name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Knowing

An employee is suddenly not at work on a Monday. The office is cleared out. The employee’s information is wiped clean from the online directories and website pages. It is almost as if the employee never existed… though the employee was there on Friday…

Not a word is said about the sudden disappearance and near-erasure of this employee.

In such a situation, we have a tendency to want to find out – to want to know what happened. We want to speculate. We want to discuss.

On one hand, we want to make sure we don’t make the same mistake or mistakes that that employee must have made. On the other hand, we just want to know. We don’t actually need to know, and we have no real reason we can name for wanting to know other than, simply, wanting…

And this landed for me in a new way today, as I discussed this whole scenario with another:

Is that not the work of the devil? I asked, almost surprised to be saying it myself. That was the whole deal with Adam and Eve – he set up a sense of ‘needing to know’, which had them eat from the Tree of Knowledge. That was the spark and the downfall for Adam and Eve… and it has been handed down to us, that same need to know.

He and I both sat there silently for a few moments, letting the idea sink in.

“That’s… a really good point,” he said.

We both kind of chuckled as we processed further exactly how good a point it was. Clearly, it had struck a chord in us both, for more than just the present scenario.

I mentioned how I was now reconsidering whole chunks of my life with this new perspective, and it was all occurring very differently suddenly. After all, I have already admitted plenty that one of my biggest struggles in life is when I have an experience of not knowing… either about how something is done or what is expected of me, and especially about what is to come next for me in life as a whole. When I now consider these instances of not knowing from the perspective of ‘the devil is who’s telling me I need to know,’ suddenly, I have a place of freedom around them all. The overwhelming thought is that ‘I don’t actually need to know, do I? God will make sure I know what I need to know. And He likely won’t tell me what I don’t need to know. So, I genuinely DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE ABOUT NOT KNOWING…’

About anything in life… I have no idea what actually will happen with my job in the next eight months. And, as I saw today, I truly do not need to know. That doesn’t mean I don’t prepare for different scenarios or prepare for success. It simply means that I don’t need to worry about the fact that I don’t know which scenario will be revealed. When it reveals itself will be the time for me to know and the time for me to respond. Until then, I can do my best where I am and head in the direction I feel called to go, to the best of my ability. I don’t know if I’ll make it that way, and that is totally okay. I’ll find out when I get there. If I don’t need to know, I likely won’t.

Perhaps life actually is on a need-to-know basis. Perhaps it is too heavy for any individual to carry, knowing everything… you know? My yoke is easy and my burden is light… because you don’t have to know everything I know. 😛

Goodness gracious… God is gracious, and God’s Grace is miraculous and wonderful.

Thank you for this blessing today, God. Thank you so much. And thank you for this love and this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Problems

Well, I got one thing resolved today at work, and so am grateful for the resolution. It made an immediate difference, and I was instantly relieved. I think a big part of the relief was that it all confirmed that the people who hired me had no idea the hassle and struggle I was having. As soon as I brought it to their attention this morning, the problem was almost instantly handled. So, it was a good feeling to know that the higher ups didn’t want me to have the hassle I was having and that they believed I was supposed to be treated as an actual teacher – which I am, despite my official status on the payroll – in this matter. I think that part relieved me almost more than the actual issues having been resolved…

Thank you, God, for that clear bit of care and love and of being wanted and appreciated and valued. Thank you. Please, heal those in need of healing. Help me to be a spectacular teacher and to support my family well. Keep my man safe, please. Thank you for him and his love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Dress-up

We went to a theatre show that took place in Japan in the 1950s or so. Naturally, my mom and I wore kimono and looked awesome. When we first entered the theatre, the director lit up, he was so excited to see us dressed up as we were. One thing led to another, and I was entering into my schedule that I would show up the next evening for closing night to dress the director before the show, in kimono, of course.

My mom decided that she wanted to join me in dressing him, because how could she not? It’s quite fun to provide such an opportunity for someone, especially for someone who has never worn kimono before and has a desire and a reason to do so.

So, I packed up my men’s kimono – most of them, but not all of them, because some belong to my man and to my man alone – and headed back to the theatre this evening. We had a blast dressing him and picking which belt went best with the kimono he selected, and getting it all to sit appropriately on his non-Japanese body. Once he was dressed, not only was his delight visible, he went and showed all the actors and workers his outfit, and they all were really excited about his outfit. (Of course, they remembered us from the night before, because, well, kimono aren’t easy to miss or forget when they’re sitting in the front row for the entire show.)

As people began to arrive, the director was speaking with various attendees, and it was clear they all appreciated his attire. Plus, he just looked really cool. It was definitely the right color and all. I even had had him go take a photo on the actual stage, with its Japanese style walls and all, it just looked so complete a picture. It was just a really great way to complete the show’s run, and I’m very grateful I not only got to be a part of it but the source of it.

Thank you, God, for this blessing. Thank you for this life. Help us all to experience your love and to spread gratitude. In your name, I pray. Amen.

My mom in kimono
Here I am in kimono, looking wonderfully and ironically awkward
The director all dressed up and on stage
Kimono really are awesome

P.S. Always remember to play in life. Tonight’s playing dress-up was such fun, and I look forward to more play and fun to be had tomorrow in some way!

Post-a-day 2023

Breathing room

My man got real with me today about my current stress levels. I have been making an effort to see my grandma, who recently moved to town and is struggling with her physical body a lot at present, most days since she moved to town. He pointed out that I have been living as though my grandma were going to die within the next month… and that it is incapacitating me.

You see, I haven’t been able to get almost anything done at home. There is loads of tidying that I actually want to do, but I haven’t been able to do any of it. And I haven’t even been getting enough sleep at night as it is. I have so much work to do right now, that that, combined with visiting my grandma so often, has left me with no available time and still getting to bed later than I need to be getting to bed each night. What’s more, living on a lack of sleep means that everything with work takes longer and is a lot harder for me. So, basically, I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning for a few weeks now, and it really sucks. I normally get loads done at home whenever he’s out of town, and it currently feels worse than ever at home, though he’s been out of town for two weeks.

And I think he’s right. I can still love my grandma and not drain myself entirely. Even going every other day would be better for me and my physical body, as well as my mental state.

Plus, I need to honor not only my bedtime but my ‘be-home’ time, the time each day I need to be home in order to settle down and get ready for bed on time. I learned years ago that I cannot just slide into bed as soon as I get home. On a super fast night, it still takes me half an hour, which is usually rather stressful having to hurry everything along. A typical night makes my bedtime routine an hour to an hour and a half. If I’ve had a tough day, add an extra half hour of wind-down time. So, when my family thinks it’s no big deal for me to be hanging out for dinner at a quarter to seven, I need to speak up and leave, so I can actually be home by seven. Otherwise, I’m already getting to bed late. Just like tonight. I was just stopping by for 15 minutes. Over an hour later, after having been roped into helping with something, I was finally leaving, stressed and knowing I’d be starting the week off lacking sleep.

However, I did tell my grandma that I wouldn’t be back until Tuesday, the day after tomorrow, which was good for me. And she also seemed totally okay with it. I hope she is. As my mom mentioned today, my grandma hasn’t had so much company and so much visit time in who knows how long. She hasn’t had anything like it the past year and a half. And, even when she and my Opa still lived in their house the past decade or so, they didn’t typically have visits more than once a week from family or friends.

I just hope she will heal and will get to enjoy living here.

God, help us all to pursue and to fulfill your will. Heal my grandma, please. Heal, also, my brothers’ dad, please. Lots of healing and love over here would be awesome, of course. Help us all to be filled with your love and your grace. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Ballet

I went to a ballet class this morning. My friend has signed up her daughter, who recently turned three, for ballet classes at a studio in a nearby neighborhood. I had joined them to watch that class this week after school one day. While it was absolutely adorable and a total morale boost, it also made me want to do ballet classes myself.

I had only officially done a beginner series of six classes eight years ago, plus a private lesson and a single drop-in in an intermediate class after the series. I also had had a few beginner drop-in classes here and there years before that. Very little had stuck from those, though.

So, eight years after the beginner series, here I am, stepping into a class that is for middle- and high-school-students, but that is technically an open drop-in class for adults, too.

I was terrified, and I showed up anyway. This morning was certainly a morning filled with courage. I didn’t do amazingly – not at all. But I did do most of the stuff in the class. By the end of the floor work, we were doing some things I had not ever learned to do, so I was guessing and making it up as I went, and also stepping back to observe more before trying it out again. All in all, it was a good time had by me. I imagine the kids in the class were thrown by my presence, but I rolled with it happily. And the teacher made it clear that I was, in fact, invited back both for that class and for certain other ones, too. (I even asked if I could take the lower level classes, and she told me that I didn’t need to take them. So, though I was happy yet serious with my inquiry, she was, too. I apparently am functioning enough to stay in the class.) So, that was cool. Woohoo!

I look forward to improving and to doing better each class.

I certainly have things to work on before I go back, and I hope I can make that happen consistently, starting this week. Because I really want to go back and to do better by a lot each time. I truly enjoy the feeling of doing ballet right. It is such a good feeling. Not because it’s right, but because ballet itself truly just feels amazing to do.

God, thank you for this blessing and opportunity of today. Thank you for the dancing. Thank you for my own sense of humour and easy acceptance of my current levels with everything. Help me to honor you through practice and dancing. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. God, would you heal my grandma and my brothers’ dad, please? In your name, I pray. Amen.

Stress

Today was tough for me, filled with emotions, both of my own and of others. I did things in ways that weren’t the best, but that were the best I could do with the information and experience I had at the time. Now, only hours later, I certainly would do them differently, if presented with the opportunity again. Sometimes, that is hard to accept, knowing so soon how I could have done something so much better than I did. But, as I said already, I did the best I could with the available information. Now that I have more, I can act differently going forward. I did well at first, and I will do well in the future. Every event is a lesson available to me, allowing me to improve for the future. Today was no exception.

Dear God, please, help heal those in need of your healing. Help release the strain held so heavily and highly by the student today. Help him to accept fully your love and to trust in you. Help him to accept the help he needs and wants. And help him to let go of the restraints that prevent him from getting that help. Heal him, please. Thank you for this blessing of such trust. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Love from afar

My man is in Mexico. I miss him. I wish he were here. Or that I were there. But that I still could be doing my job… which is here. So, yeah…

I miss him.

God, please, keep him and the dog safe. Help to heal us all, that we may be close to you always and in all ways, and that we may pursue and want and fulfill your will. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Sleep

When will I get enough? When will I find a rhythm that actually works for me again? I am just so tired… everything is difficult right now. I want to do so much more in each day. I need sleep just to get done what I’m already attempting to do in a day, let alone more… I need to sleep more each night.

God, help me, please, to find a rhythm and pattern that gives me the sleep I need each night. Please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023