Tag: fear

God’s plans

A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates one’s kakizome, “first writing”, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is one’s goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (that’s when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This year’s… well, we’ll get to that.

Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand God’s plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.

Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway… it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans… When the labyrinth of God’s love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path… faith gets tested, to be sure.

And that is, basically, my every day right now… and that kind of really sucks…

What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is “faith in God”, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – ‘Jesus, I trust in you.’ Like that.

So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ‘nother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully… there is not much this year where I haven’t given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go still…

I’m genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.

Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.

Saint Jude, pray for us.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Goals and problems

Today, I started out the day with a few specific goals, mostly of watching all these videos I had lined up from this really great learning resource. That partly happened.

What happened unexpectedly was a tough conversation that ended in a massive stalemate. I won’t stop loving the person, of course, but the disregard for health and well-being is very difficult for me to accept. I want that person to be here for a long time and to be fully healthy and well for all of that time, for as long as possible. I also want to spend time together with this person, and a lot. Yet the subject of our disagreement necessarily takes away the chance of most of those desires. And it just really hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it.

God, please, give me clear guidance here. Please, help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Searching

I’m just searching for some quality work clothing and a quality (used, because I can’t afford new) leather handbag. But that, apparently, is too much to request from our clothing industry right now.

And that is just so, so sad…

There is so much junk out there. There is so much junk that will get thrown away without ever being sold. And there is so much junk that will fall apart quickly after people start to use it. And it isn’t even a matter of just not buying the junk – there is too much junk and too little out there that is of quality. I cannot even find the quality stuff(!!!!). (Aaaahhhhrrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The only place I’ve found not-junk (but also still loads of junk) has been as resale shops. I actually found a great leather handbag in one shop today – no, it isn’t even a name brand bag, because even most of those are rather crappy quality and aren’t actual leather anymore – but it is a bit big for my purposes. So, my search continues for the quality leather handbag.

Finding clothes has been distressingly difficult. They cost more than ever right now, yet their quality is significantly worse than they were even a few years ago. One distinct thing I noticed during the previous presidency was that product quality in general, clothing included, increased. Things were suddenly made better or they didn’t sell. And lots was made in the USA, and not crappily. It was suddenly kind of easy to find whatever I wanted as a product made in the USA and made well, and at a very reasonable price. Not cheap, but reasonable and worth the quality. Now, I am very much not into politics, but I have noticed that clear difference. During this presidency, there has been a weird supply chain issue, along with an intense drop of quality in products and a huge jump of products from China, and yes, I mean the crappy kind, exploding out of almost every store. On top of that, the prices of the junk are higher than the quality and quality made-in-the-USA products’ prices a few years ago.

Just the waste of it all is sad enough. But the lack of fair wages and intense markup pricing brings it all to a whole ‘nother level of sad…

Dear God, please, help us to restore quality to this planet, and on all levels. Help us begin with providing quality services, quality care, and quality products to one another. Help us all to learn to care about our own work and about the work of others. Help us to appreciate truly the value of quality work, services, products, and love. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Smugglers

I prefer that term to the one actually used, traffickers, as the term used makes me think painfully of human and child versions of it. Super sore subject for me, which only increases the pain of the actual topic at hand.

Anyway, we crossed a National Geographic show that was a documentary-esque suspense-injected show following federal police at airports in Peru and Italy who track and aim to prevent drug trafficking. At first, it was really cool to see the police work and to work so well. But it eventually just became increasingly sad – all the people involved in the trafficking have miserably sad problems that led them to make the smuggling attempt in the first place. Most of them were convinced by some outside source that it would work and that they would receive enough money from that someone afterward that would solve some major problem in their lives. In a way, advantage was taken of them, and some even were conned into doing it.

These people’s lives are then directed to years in prison, the single instance of drug transfer is stopped, and the origins of the drugs in the first place are left practically untouched. So, it may make things a bit tougher for the drug organizations to distribute their drugs around the globe, but what do they truly care about a small amount stopped at an airport? It cost them only that small amount, and the people imprisoned were no skin off their backs. They likely will find more sad and desperate people to take the risk the next day, again and again.

The cycle is not stopped, only disturbed with a small ripple.

The one consolation I had – that they may at least have a place to live with food and water once imprisoned, keeping them off the streets and from utter poverty – was dashed at the mention of the high likelihood that they might be “removed permanently” by the drug folks and their connections within prisons.

How utterly sad… all of it is immensely sad.

Though it is a new way for me to look at the world, I can see very easily how this very much is the work of the devil. (Yes, that still sounds weird to me, but I believe it nonetheless.)

Dear God, please, help us to heal the broken people. Help the most broken ones to return to you and your guidance. Help us all to repent and to turn fully to you and your will, at all levels and in all places and at all times. We are all in such need of you – help us to hear your call and to respond lovingly to it and with the immediately due haste. Help us, please, to love and to be filled with your love. Help us to embrace your love such that we can always and powerfully reject the devil and his ways. Help us to start to heal your people and this beautiful world you created and in which we still are blessed to live. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Not excited

I have a jury duty summons for tomorrow. The courthouse is about 40 minutes away, without traffic. Start time is 8:30am. Compensation barely covers the cost of gasoline to get there and back.

Jury duty frustrates me immensely, and on multiple levels. I won’t get into it now, but I will mention one thing.

People claim that Voir Dire, the questioning of potential jurors by the lawyers to determine whether they will be on the jury or not, means, “to tell the truth”. It absolutely does not. It means, “to see to say”. I speak French. I know these words and I use them regularly in French. I also use the various words for “truth,” none of which are “voir” or anything like it. “To tell the truth,” would be, “Dire la vérité.” “Voir dire,” only equals, “To see to say.”

So, I went ahead and grilled Chat GPT on it. It gave some basic boring information, quoting all the same articles I had already crossed. But I kept pushing it to find the sources behind the sources, and, after taking much about the Medieval French practices of law, we came to this simple response/explanation:

Yes, you are correct. The term “voir dire” in its legal context originally referred to the process of “seeing” or “observing” what potential jurors said or how they responded to questions during their examination. It was used to assess their qualifications, impartiality, and credibility to determine if they were suitable to serve on the jury for a particular case.

The word “voir” in French means “to see,” and it has never meant “truth.” The term “voir dire” itself does not directly translate to “to speak the truth” in French.

The term “voir dire” originated in medieval England during the Norman Conquest when French legal terms were introduced into the English legal system. “Voir dire” was used to describe the process of “speaking the truth” or “telling the truth” during the examination of witnesses or jurors in legal proceedings.

While the term “voir dire” itself comes from the Old French words “voir” (to see) and “dire” (to speak), its usage in the legal context in England evolved to represent the idea of truth-speaking during the examination of witnesses and jurors.

Bam. I am satisfied that a reputable source agrees with me that evolution of terminology has happened in the case of “voir dire,” and that it does not mean “to speak the truth,” no matter how many times people claim it. It merely references a time when potential jurors are expected to speak the truth, and the lawyers observe the responses and determine how to proceed with each potential juror based on those responses. And it still means “to see to say”.

Goodnight.

God, let me go home early tomorrow morning, please. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Important

While emotionally difficult, the film “The Sound of Freedom” is an important and valuable film, especially for those who have little exposure to information of human trafficking and its statistics.

Human trafficking is a true thing, unfortunately, and, many could say, undeniable work of the devil, as spooky or odd as that might sound. I, myself, had the thought tonight, Why does God allow this? And I realized immediately: He doesn’t. It is not God’s will or work at all…

So, go see “The Sound of Freedom”, a film that portrays rather well the true story of a Homeland Security officer who was moved by the encouragement of God to valuable, illogical, immensely dangerous, and life-saving action. Then, spread the word to upload hotel and hotel room photos to TraffickCam.com in order to help AI help to identify where trafficked people are being kept, transferred, and photographed. They are both small yet significant steps on helping to heal the world and to slow down the terrifying rate of human trafficking, in hopes of eventually ending it altogether.

If you’re ever in Houston, stop by A 2nd Cup, a coffee shop dedicated to educate on and to help end human trafficking. As they say, they are more than a cafe – they are coffee with a cause. And their coffee and teas are actually quite good to drink, too.

In addition to that, love. Please, love. Especially those who are the worst of company, show them mercy’s no show them love. If you cannot show your own love to these people, show them God’s love. The only way truly to heal our world and its many sadnesses and evils is with love. Let people know that they matter – they, too, are children of God, even if they have strayed from His path and will in their lives. It is likely a lack of love that led them astray in the first place. They, too, and they, especially, need love. So, I ask you, please, to love.

Dear God, help us to love, please. Give us the courage we need to help heal the world through your love. In your name, we pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Tomorrow morning…

I’ll get to wake up knowing that he is on his way back here. I likely will be a bit anxious throughout most of the day. However, I pray for God’s guidance and steadying hand, that I keep myself busy with the tasks I want to complete tomorrow before my love gets back.

Dear God, please, keep my man and the dog and the stuff all safe and together tomorrow. Give them safe and easy passage back here to me. Give me guidance and a steadying hand – help me to trust in you, tomorrow especially, and to trust in your love and your power to keep them safe. Help us always to pursue and fulfill your will. Heal where we are hurting. Help us to share your love always and to be our best selves. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Getting back into it

I dropped off the cousin with another fourth cousin (this one twice removed!) today at midday, and have been working on getting back into it all since then. I got some studies done (though very little), picked up some, rested some, and ran some errands (specifically buying some hooks for the chickens’ fence to connect and disconnect easily to our yard’s fence and a wheelbarrow – woohoo!).

Then, I picked up my aunt and uncle at the airport as they returned from El Salvador. Unfortunately, they never looked outside to the pickup area, so they had no idea they would have to spend several minutes fighting their way out to me once I finally made it through the terrible traffic trying to pick up those hoards of people waiting in the heat, all caused by terrible construction at that terminal of the airport – construction that has been going on for over a year, at least, and is only getting worse. Nonetheless, they made it out just in time for me not to have to spend another half hour barely moving after circling the airport.

There were hundreds of people crammed into nowhere near enough space for them, let alone for their luggage, too. It was dreadful, and even freaked me out a bit. It was at least 200 meters long, the pickup area, plus the walkway to get there, and that was all packed just like in these photos, even more packed on the walkways and ramps at the start. It was frightening. What was more frightening was that the airport folks didn’t seem to be bothered by it one bit, as though it weren’t a major problem. Why was I not going to pull away when I was clearly parked at the end, the officer is asking (though kindly)? Because my family is over there, but they are trapped in the crowd and can’t get out. (I wasn’t even lying, y’all.) Fortunately, the officer then asked what they were wearing. I had no idea, though. Just as I said so, they suddenly popped into view in the roadway a few cars back, shoving their way forward by hugging to the vehicles that clearly weren’t moving very quickly or at all. As soon as they got to the car, they threw in their luggage and told me to get in and drive. I obliged. They were worried I wouldn’t be able to get out, due to the cars all trying to cram out. I’m no India driver, but I am a good Houston driver. Just as I had snuck my way in to be able to pick them up at the curb, I forced my way out, back into the third lane, the one with moving traffic, and got us out of there quite quickly. (They were impressed, and specifically commented on how they’d forgotten that I was a Houston driver and could do stuff like that. 😛 )

Anyway, they’re here and they’ve showered and gone to bed. Now, I’ve showered, and I’m going to bed, too.

Goodnight!

Thank you, God, for the safe travels today. Please, make us all well and healthy, and heal where we could use healing to help us become our best selves. Keep my man safe, please, as well as the dog and all of his stuff and our stuff. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Dentist

I have an appointment in the morning at the dentist. I scheduled it online the other day, because they were already closed. You see, I have a side of a tooth that is acting an awful lot like a cavity. I mentioned that it hurt when the hygienist was cleaning it a few months ago, but she didn’t do anything about it, other than comment that it was clearly sensitive, so I figured it might just be okay. I thought it might have been another case of my guns going below the regular line on a tooth, and exposing a more sensitive area on the tooth. Now, however, I’m not so convinced.

To add to that, I noticed Friday that I had these little black spots on the top of one of my lower molars, and I started to freak a bit. Last year, the sealant on one of my upper molars had cracked, leaving black mildew(?) growing under the edge of the sealant. Since it was up top and not all the way in the back, no one had been able to see it, myself included. So, I had to go back three days later to get that fixed, and I freaked out meanwhile that I had mold or something in my mouth. It was stupidly terrifying. Now, I’m a touch worried it is another version of that. However, I’m also, in a lesser way, worries it is merely my charcoal-based toothpaste that is getting stuck in little ridges of the tooth, and it is really nothing to be worried about.

Whatever the case for both teeth, I am hoping that tomorrow morning will provide a clear answer and solution to the possible problems. I’m just hoping that they’ll do it then and there. I wrote why I was coming in in the booking, so I’m hoping they scheduled enough time for whatever needs to happen to happen tomorrow morning. If I have to hang out there all day just to get it all handled, I likely will. Hoping it doesn’t come to that, though.

Dear God, please, heal my mouth and its contents. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Old crap

(Forgive the language, please a it just seemed quite appropriately used here.)

There’s a lot of junk that comes with getting old. I don’t merely mean old-er. I mean old. There are lots of little hassles and troubles involved with getting older, with aging as a whole. But getting old has a uniquely stressful aspect: As the body and mind age, they often tend to revert towards babyhood, and adults are not prepared to take care of a 90-year-old toddler who not only can make others believe he is competent and allowed to be out alone, but can get out alone the moment a back is turned or a corner is rounded.

At some point, when ZK was still on my childhood, I was talking with my dad about the idea of grown kids wiping their parents’ butts as the parents grew too old to do it themselves. I asked him if he expected us to wipe his butt one day. He, quite seriously, said he absolutely did not expect it. I was surprised. He said he expected us to hire someone else to do it. I was even more shocked. You wouldn’t want your own family to care for you? And his answer was a firm, confident, and clear, ‘No.’

I didn’t understand it back then, not really. He had said something about hatred or resentment, but it didn’t make sense to me. After seeing the struggle with someone in my own family lately, and now having to deal with it firsthand myself, I understand what my dad had meant. He didn’t want us to resent him int he final years of his life. He wanted us to be able to love him and be happy with him in those years. Yes, it is very loving to care physically for someone, but it isn’t always happy or easy doing that. There can be a massive buildup of very negative memories in that relationship right at the very end of the old person’s life, leaving the younger person grateful of the death and, necessarily, then feeling horrible for being relieved and glad for it.

It is hard dealing with an old, sick person. Getting almost no sleep in order to help with constant bathroom wake-ups throughout the night, cleaning up bodily filth that ended up all over clothes and the floor and almost none in the toilet, forcing down medicines or vitamins or healthy foods or water just to help heal an illness or relieve the pains, changing a diaper on a fully grown person who resists it, despite having just walked around half-naked in public and not knowing it… that and so much more is very hard to handle. What’s harder is handling it all and not, in some way, resenting the person for whom one is doing it all. It’s so hard not to take it personally, especially when that person yells at you for who knows what…

So, I get it. I wouldn’t want my kids to have their final memories of and with me be ones of near-constant frustration and anger and heartbreak. Having and unrelated person come in to take care of the old person goes much further than one might think, for all members of the family. I never would have thought that before doing it myself, seeing it happen myself, twice now. And I am all the more grateful for the people in this world who do choose to take up that role in society. Those caretakers make more than a little difference. They don’t just do the grunt work or the dirty work of the situation. They can truly heal the situation. They completely transform what likely would have happened without them, and all the relationships involved for the better.

Thank you, all you who take care of the old people for their families. You help more than you could know.

Thank you, God, for these people.

Post-a-day 2023