Tag: stress

Returning

I’ve worked out normally again for the past three days, and it has been marvelous. I have been so sore that I moan and groan every time I go to sit on the toilet or bend over. My hamstrings in particular are shaking like they haven’t in a long, long time. It is much like when we first started working out – and that same friend is doing the sprite with me now – and it is amazing. We both are hurting in such a good way, and it feels oh-so-good to be back.

And it feels like I’m actually being myself again, which makes it all the better.

Thank you, God. And thank you, friend. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

So far, so right

I got an interview today. It was short and sweet and to the point, and I very much enjoyed it. It seems to have gone well. We shall see what comes next.

But I know things would have been different for me today with this interview if I hadn’t stood my ground yesterday (and, possibly, earlier this week).

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust in you. Please, continue to do so – continue to make it clear for me which way you are calling me in each moment. Help me to pursue you and your will as also my own. Help me to love and to be loved, with and through you always. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

P.S. I really would like to get this job, just so we’re all clear.

Pulled

God is calling me, encouraging me to take a stand, yet something, too – the devil, perhaps? – is pulling me to feel guilty at this desire to stand for myself, to stand my ground, to stick with what feels right, though it may seem selfish at a glance.

I cannot explain it any other way right now, but it feels like God is calling me to be here right now.

Ironically, I was just sharing Sunday how I’ve determined that I need to trust wholly whatever call I feel from God right now, as that will lead me to where I need to be. And now, mere days later, I am having to do just that in a very difficult way, and I almost didn’t stand up for it.

Post-a-day 2023

Not good enough yet

I will be good enough after more learning and experience, but I’m not good enough for the dream jobs yet.

And that’s okay. It makes perfect sense, given that I’m only just learning even how to do the basics for this new career direction I want to pursue. I feel no shame for it. A touch of sadness, perhaps, due to the need to have some patience as I learn and improve, but no wrongness about it, no, ‘I suck,’ about it all.

But for how many other parts of my life do I not allow myself to experience this same scenario in such a way? How many other places do I expect to be better than I am, further along than I am, even though I haven’t yet had the learning and experience within that ‘role’ in order to be a master of it, to be exactly who and how I want to be in that realm? How much strain and stress and shame am I giving myself, when I have no true reason to expect myself to be any better than I am at certain things in this very moment? Relationships with others, with self? Working out solo instead of in group classes? Cooking for two? CLEANING for two? And a dog? Laundry for two? (To be clear, I still suck quite badly at the full laundry process for myself, and have been working slowly on that in recent years. Yet I expect myself to be able to ah for it flawlessly for two people suddenly??) Supporting a house? Paying for life in a house? Supporting a family financially? Managing prayer life for a family? Figuring out things not on my own? Keeping a sleep schedule that is drastically different from someone else in the same house?

I was not a great teacher when I first started teaching. Yes, I was good, especially for a new teacher. I had great instincts and great ideas. I had very good relationships and rapport with students. But I wasn’t a great teacher. It took me a long time to turn a lesson idea into an actually good lesson, let alone great lesson. My overall subject-area effectiveness was somewhere just above the middle, possibly a bit higher. Sure, I encouraged and empowered students to pursue their lives fully. But they didn’t necessarily learn their subject all that well. Now, however, things that took forever or never happened come easily for me. It takes little effort to turn a crap lesson – IN THE MOMENT – into a great and effective And fun lesson (for not just be students, but also for me). I put just as much effort into teaching, but the results are monumentally greater, and in all ways. I love teaching, and I have become a great teacher. But I wasn’t always a great teacher. Just because I was good and I was good enough to become great didn’t make me great then. It only made me great now, down the road of experience and effort and desire – not merely the desire to be great.

That being said, perhaps I could chill a bit on being so harsh on myself and my life for not being better already. Sure, I may be great at much. But that doesn’t mean I have to be amazing at things I have almost no experience or practice actually doing. It’s okay to suck at those things. That’s the point of a neophyte. And I am the one (in my shoes). (And yes, I’m a total nerd and a bit of an idiot, too. Please, enjoy the terrible pun. 😛 )

Post-a-day 2023

Great strides

I did a few hours of work today on my course, and then I closed up earlier than standard, and got down to business on the tidying. I truly handled the bathroom stuff surprisingly well, though it felt like it took forever. It was a few hours, to be sure, but the result is great. I’ve already been able to take advantage of having done it all, and it’s been super satisfying.

In addition, I got several other little things done that have been driving me kind of nuts lately. I even got my man in on it a bit, and he helped me hang a mirror and he finished hanging the guitars – needed a special tool for the spot where the drywall crumbled last night as he installed one of the hangers – which was awesome and very helpful. AND, now that the guitars are hung, I actually sat down and played tonight. More than once. And on more than one guitar. Super great. Super great. 😀

I think I’ll take tomorrow similarly. I have to go get flowers for my mom’s upcoming birthday, and so I might do that in the morning… we shall see. I like the ‘work a few hours on school, then a few hours on home’ schedule of today. Would love to start the day sooner tomorrow, though… haha

Okay, so, setting an alarm to get up, even though it’s almost two now. That’s okay. I won’t push it too much, but I will set the alarm short of the time that would give my body’s requested nine hours of sleep. I only slept about seven last night, and I think, with the current drive finally to do these things that have been giving me grief and stress so much recently, I can handle it. I can always take a nap in the afternoon, if needed, too.

With that, I go sleep, now. Goodnight!

Post-a-day 2023

Accomplishments come in many forms

Today, I was mostly busy tidying, and it felt really good. I’ve been so focused on doing my course lately – so that I can get a job and start earning money and saving money, so that my man can do the training he needs to pursue a job as a pilot instead of his current job – that I’ve felt bad anytime I’ve wanted to tidy instead. Even tidying in the evening for a bit has felt unfair, somehow, not to mention exhausting after a day filled with working hard mentally and avoiding thinking about how much I want to tidy the house.

Today, for whatever reason, I just chose to let it all go and to do the tidying I desperately wanted to do.

And I’m so glad I did it that way. It made all the difference. And I even went and coded a little teensy bit just before bed, which was satisfying in its own way, since it wasn’t required (by me) today, yet I did it anyway.

I just feel so… accomplished… after today. Yeah. My whole body viscerally feels the sense of accomplishment from today, and it is awesome. I am incredibly grateful.

Tomorrow, I genuinely want to do more coding work, but I still want to have a day similar to today in terms of tidying. I have a few little things I want to finish up and one bigger project involving sorting through and creating a storing method for all the bathroom stuff (for both bathrooms, really). A third of it is in the living room, a third is split between the bedroom and the other bathroom, and the final third is sitting in the guest room right now. I am getting sick of seeing all that stuff around and having to avoid using this or that because it’s too much of a hassle to go pull out. We have our bathroom vanity and drawers put together now, so I can go ahead and sort everything out for actual everyday storage. Time to find places for everything, at last.

Oh… I also have a ton of laundry to fold. Ugh. Hahaha. Hey, perhaps my man will decide to lend a hand there and learn how to fold his different clothes so they all store properly in his drawers. That would be cool. However, the likelihood is rather slim, so I won’t hope too hard on it. Rather, I’ll hope plenty hard in it; I just won’t expect it actually to happen. That’s the one. 😛

Anyway, off to sleep now, way later than wanted. But much was accomplished today. Much.

Thank you, God. Your will be done. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Making the difference

Heading to my car with my purchases after a quick Costco shopping trip, I notice an older man sitting in the passenger seat of a car, one leg out, like he is waiting. I notice a bit better, and realize the car’s hood is raised. A bit more, and I process that a crutch is holding up the hood. Indeed, as the man goes to the hood to check something and returns to the passenger seat, he is limping. The crutch belongs to him out of need, yet he is having to use it to hold up the car’s hood, for some reason.

I have cold items that will spoil to the point of danger if I take too long, I consider. So, I unload my basket into the car, start the car remotely, as I know it blasts the A/C that way, and go return the shopping car to the stall. When I come back toward my car, I check around the barrier to see the man’s updated situation. He is sitting again, looking tired.

I don’t know much about cars, but can I help somehow? If nothing else, I can drive him somewhere to wait until he can get help tomorrow or something… or something. Just offer.

I brace myself, and then head towards the older man. As I approach him, I see he isn’t only older, but old. I greet him with a bit of nerves, then say to him, “I don’t really know much about cars, but can I help somehow?” He gives a sideways smile and a sort of kind chuckle, causing me to smile, too. As he speaks, I discover that he is actually a very old man.

He first mentions about making it not so hot. As I’m about to offer helping him inside, so he can wait where it is quite cool, he mentions about overheating and that his daughter is actually picking something up right now. I ask to confirm that she should be back very soon. As I ask, though, a man approaches, maybe late 30s, early 40s. He then offers help to the old man.

The man gets up to go show us the situation. I hold up the hood all the way, and I search for the tool designed to do this. Naturally, it is missing entirely. I can’t even seem to figure out where it might have been at some point in the past. The one thing I know decently well about cars, and it is of no use today. Nonetheless, I hold the hood while the old man points and explains and the younger man starts to look at things and talk in response.

Then the daughter arrives with some liquid and a funnel, and I step aside to allow her a place to approach. The old man then holds the hood up, and the young man does the work while the lady helps. Frankly, it is quite awkward just standing there to the side, watching the three of them do stuff under the hood of the car. But I determine that I can stick it out until they finish this, then excuse myself. No need to be weird and just disappear without notice. That idea just felt too unkind and self-serving – it thought so little of others and so much of one’s own discomfort. Even if it were awkward for them, there was still a chance I could be of help, so I would wait. Plus, it wasn’t in me to leave without declaring my departure and saying goodbye, and I wasn’t going to do that while they were so actively and intensely working under the hood together. Plus, it seemed they wouldn’t be very long, anyhow.

So, I waited calmly.

When they finished, the old man started the car. I leaned into it to check the engine heat level. It was in the middle. It had only just started, so it would have been on the cooler side, but its being in the middle was not surprising, considering it had just been overheating. As they closed up shop, I reminded the old man of certain parts he had removed from the engine (like the cover), and he opted to stick it in the trunk (himself) for the time being, as he and his daughter, who, by the way, was very likely in her fifties, got into the car.

The other man and I wished them luck and said goodbye as we both headed back to our vehicles. His had a 10-ish-year-old boy hanging out of it. He had family waiting on him. He had been already in his vehicle when I walked past to offer help to the man. Which brings me to my point.

Sure, it was awkward for me to offer help when I didn’t see what help I possibly could offer. But the fact that I did go up and offer help ended up being the encouragement needed by the person who could give actual help, the younger man with his family. That man clearly was planning to leave, shown by his started vehicle that was about to pull out, back-up lights illuminated. But he clearly changed his mind once I went over to the old man.

So, by the simple act of offering help, I was able actually to help someone, even when I saw no real help I could give. And that’s just really, really cool.

Thank you, God, for helping me to trust my gut and for showing me wonders through that trust. Thank you. And thank you for taking care of that father-daughter today. Keep them safe, happy, healthy, and holy. And the same for the younger man and his family, too, please. Thank you for his help. In your name, I pray. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Uh-oh…

I have already felt like out chicken coop doesn’t quite have enough space for the chickens to stay locked up together during the daytime. Them’s chickens ‘s bigger th’n I ‘spected!

Yet, today, we were offered a few free chickens to add to our collection. And, of course, they are a breed that looks really cool, and of course I want them now… (Barred Rock is the breed, in case you want to Google them).

Not only does the coop not have enough grass area for them to stay locked up daytime already, but these new ones supposedly end up even bigger than most chickens, making them need even more space per chicken…

So, more money and more project time for my man to expand that coop, if we’re going to accept the chickens…

And I have a very strong feeling that we are…

The next days shall reveal!

Help us to see clearly, God. Please. Amen.

Post-a-day 2023

Powers of observation?

I wear one of two pair of earrings these days. I’ve worn one pair, a dangling pair, maybe five or so times in the past year and a half. The rest of the time, I wear the other pair, the studs. I wear them at least part of the day every four out of seven days, roughly. And that has been my standard the past year and a half.

Talking today with my man, in the middle of our slightly stressed discussion – calling out automatic-reaction-defensive meanness always is a bit strained – we had a pause to let emotions settle with the facts (always a good thing to do).

And you know what he suddenly says to me? “You’re wearing two different earrings.”

The shock is rather unreal for me. You see, I am wearing the studs pair of earrings in this conversation. I ask him to tell me what each one is. He tells me that one is a Texas and the other is a star. ‘What kind of star?’ I ask. When he fumbles on an answer, clearly registering how silly his comment seems now, I finish for him, “A Texas Star.” The pair of earrings is, as described, a Texas on one ear and the Lone Star on the other. I always check to make sure they are both upright, the star especially. I’ve even asked him for help to straighten them on various occasions.

I point out to him that this is the pair of earrings I wear just about every time I wear earrings. ‘And you’re just noticing this fact about them?(!!!)’

The whole situation is comical and we both know it. How could he not have noticed this fact at any point in the past? We both know he has almost no excuse. He has looked at these earrings directly before today, and more than once by far. And yet he never noticed that they were two different shapes that go together as a set, versus matching ones.

Never.

We both smile at the comedy of it, enjoying the humor, especially the irony of its surfacing in the middle of a stressed situation/conversation. And I absolutely loved how we both were able to participate fully in the unique conversation of the earrings, as though we were in a sidebar with the judge from our actual conversation, settle the topic, and then go back to the original to the conversation in a better mood.

It was ridiculous. And wonderful. 😛

Thank you, God. Amen. 😀

Post-a-day 2023