I don’t know what it is that has me always pining after some gorgeously awesome guy, and always wishing hat somehow, someday could he possibly ever be interested in me, want me?
I mean… grow up, right?
When am I going to let go of this little girl nonsense and be a woman about it all?
I don’t necessarily behave like a little girl out in the world – though I occasionally do – but I definitely do in my head.
If I had been being the woman I want to be way back when, I would have told him hen and there: Whenever and if ever you get over your breakup, let me know – I’d love to go out with you… no pressure intended.
But I didn’t do that.
I sopped around feeling unwanted and undesirable – thereby making me les want-able and less desirable – and depressed myself slightly by constantly considering all the ways I knew I was inadequate for him and which made it make perfect sense that he wouldn’t be interested in me.
And so here I am, months and months later, a whole new calendar year later, and he is in a relationship with someone else, and I keep having the same thoughts of inadequacy about myself, still wondering if, even in an alternate situation, he ever possibly could want to be with me, of all people…
I mean… Seriously(!), banana…. wt??
I am amazing as a human being.
People love learning just about anything from me, and I have a plethora of worldwide knowledge and experiences and oddities and silliness and wisdom… I am gorgeous both physically and on the inside – and I’m healthy and enjoy silly jokes – and am an all-round wonderful human being whose main goal is to share her talents with the world as an expression of her God-given love for Creation… I have silly quirks and I love wholly and truly and intensely; I am a natural teacher and communicator; I love myself and am grateful for my life; I take care of people, and have recently learned to start taking care of myself, too… I will not settle in life, and I aim to empower others to go for their own dreams and goals and what works for them in life… I have been through total bull and have come out clean in the other side, ready to use my experiences to help others in the world around me… and I am very smart and rather highly educated, and I am a genius dancer (not joking either)… I accept people for who they are while simultaneously hoping for and helping empower them to be the best possible versions of themselves… I tell the truth…
I am darn lovely as a human being and as a woman.
I need to get over this nonsense of always semi-subconsciously considering myself not good enough.
It isn’t like I actually say to myself, “You aren’t good enough for him,” or anything like that.
I just have all the other comments that show that I think I’m not good enough for him.
But I am good enough.
And for anyone.
I think being our highest and best selves means to be who we are meant to be…
Be who God meant you to be, and you will set the world on fire.
Teresa of Avila
And I am doing a very good job, especially in this past year or two, at being that person… and my world keeps lighting up more and more…
I have minimal money to my name right now, yet I had someone tell me tonight that I am “lit up”… and I know that I am.
I am terrified at the risk and the newness of a lot of this stuff, and also at the extreme potential I have to be my best and most beautiful and most powerful self in this current world around me… and I am lit up by it.
I don’t know right now what else I want to say about the sulky pining situation… perhaps I just needed to express that I am acknowledging its existence… for now, anyway.
Maybe, just my naming it and calling it what it is, it will disappear… that is kind of a thing in life already…
For now, though, I shall go to sleep, for I need to sleep and I want to start going to the gym again starting tomorrow (I only just got back home over the weekend and have been sick since then)…
So, goodnight fair world.
May we all recognize fully the beauty that we are and the love that we each bring to the world by our own individual existences…