Tag: goals

Completion and New Beginnings

As this chapter comes to a close, God and Universe, please, guide me into the opening of the next chapter calmly, comfortably, gratefully, and wholeheartedly. May I bless the world with who I am and in all that I do, sharing fully your love with all those tied to me and this life. Help me to breathe easily in the knowledge that this all is perfect exactly as it is, and that you will use me perfectly for what only I can do and for what I am created and made to do. Please, give me the courage to do what needs most to be done, and to love truly.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Gratitude

Post-a-day 2021

Empty pockets, empty soul?

Tonight, I attended Mass at one of the wealthiest parishes in town. It was natural that the priest was insistent that everyone take a paper bag for the food drive – it has a list of items on it for one to purchase and then return to the church in the paper bag.

I did not take a bag, though I did consider it. I am not financially stable in a way that I can safely sacrifice the money it would cost to get all the items. Because it would be that for me, a sacrifice. I have barely been able to afford my own groceries and life bills lately. I cannot safely provide them for others, not right now, no matter how I may want to do so.

And so, as I was leaving Mass, the priest asked if I had gotten a bag. I told him that I hadn’t. ‘Why not?’ ‘It is not something I can do right now,’ I reply with best coming to my eyes. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it requires money, which I do not have at present.’ ‘Ask your parents!’ he declares jovially, but allows me to thank him for Mass and pass without a bag.

I was fully crying by the time I reached the curb.

I immediately evaluated what was happening, of course. I was equating my financial situation with my personal worth, as well as my success as a person and adult and one worthy of being loved. And it sucked. And that was okay.

I reminded myself that being in my present situation isn’t bad. It is just what’s so, and my discomfort is merely a clear sign that I want to change something about it all. And so, what do I want to change about it all? Well, I want to teach. And at this particular school. If I need to wait another six months or hear and a half before I get to do that for real, that’s okay. Until then, I will continue to make myself better for my work, as well as make a difference in the world in my daily life. And I will make true efforts to have more money coming to me and reliably so. I can do this. And, as I mentioned to someone else today, failing at something doesn’t mean I am bad. It just shows how I can improve and allows me an opportunity to do so. Alors, let’s do it, Banana. We can do this.

Post-a-day 2021

Forgiveness being given*

The prayer says, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who trespass against us…” I’m currently working on the part of, ‘even if I am unaware of my wrongdoing, or even if I am not willing or wanting to ask for forgiveness, do I still hope that God would forgive me to the point of loving me actively?’ In which case, I have a dilemma before me as to the extent of the forgiveness I offer to others in my life, especially regarding the individual who abused me. ‘Where do I go from here?’ has been the question in my head all day. I do not presently have an answer, but I know it is something I must write and talk out, for it wants sorting. I do not want to stop in justification. I want to learn to forgive as I wish God to forgive me. But this will take an inquiry on what forgiveness is, I suppose, just to begin.

*So, is it something we give forth, then?

Post-a-day 2021

Vulnerability

Well, I was shut down and crushed in one area this week. But then I was praised and respected in another. The boys – I suppose they are technically men, though their brains, I think, are not fully developed [not being by mean here – that’s a real thing] yet – officially requested to be my friends. I am to change the group chat name from ‘“Buddies”’ to something with “friends” in it, whenever I consider them to be friends of mine, instead of just acquaintances and buddies. And yes, the word buddies is in quotes in the actual name. No, I did not do that myself. 😛

Anyway, they expressed the need for vulnerability in friendships, and so I offered up a good chunk of that in our group chat, after our adventures together tonight, and I shared what I had written about the abuse I experienced in college.

We shall see what happens…

Post-a-day 2021

Shogūn

Alas, the adventure has begun: I am taking on reading the novel Shogūn (technically pronounced as ‘show goon’, but usually pronounced as ‘show gun’ in English) by James Clavell. Perhaps, after I finish the 1100+ pages (or 65 audiobook tracks), I might watch the show about which I have heard much in my life (mostly from my mother).

Stories of a gaijin in Japan, here I come!

Post-a-day 2021

Crosswords

I finally made it happen tonight, and I got back into doing crossword puzzles. Yippee!

I messaged the buddy who got me into them in the first place, and we both got on Zoom to do the e-puzzle for the LA Times online together. Started with a Monday, because it has been a while for both of us. Then we jumped to today’s puzzle, a Wednesday, and had a grande ole time. It feels good to be a nerd, and it feels really good to be a nerd with someone else doing the same thing with me.

I look forward to our next puzzle(s) together in the very near future!

P.S. Happy feast day of St. Jude, October 28!! He’s my confirmation Saint.

Post-a-day 2021

RKBS and R

It seems like every time we do a lot of Russian kettle bell swings in a week at the gym, I end up with a really sore lower back, and it clamps up on pain unexpectedly at times when I bend over, though not every time, of course. Am I perhaps doing them incorrectly? The coaches and owner always approve of my technique and movement. I always check the boxes mentally in what muscles are tight when and whatnot. And they always feel great when doing them. And yet I end up really sore a few days later. Perhaps it is merely that I am doing them right, and so it is easy in the moment for me to do loads of them. Only later do I discover how much work I really did… not sure yet.

At the very least, my pursuit of the Russian language is feeling much better than my body is regarding the Russian kettle bell swings. This pursuit has proven to be surprising, as well, but it is surprisingly fun and delightfully satisfying. No real pains with that bit of Russian. 😛

Post-a-day 2021

Be supreme

– In honor of your desired night of spirited gaiety
– Also now what is that because it looks aesthetically pleasing

– Frothed, and with the ‘red hot kick’
– Okay wow that actually sounds really good
And that’s despite my deep-seated trauma with fireball
– Well, it wasn’t even technically name brand
Catch Fire, perhaps
Haha
But it was delightful
Oh, and fresh nutmeg on top, because duh
– I mean yea if you’re gonna pull out all the stops then you’ve gotta have the nutmeg at that point
I am now less triggered since it’s not “real” fireball
– Good
Because it was good

…….

I love being ridiculous, and I love when ridiculous people join my life.

Post-a-day 2021

Learning fiend*

*friend, do I mean??? ;P

Well, I am apparently learning some Russian now. And it has beautifully reestablished a deer friendship of mine from high school, for which I am already grateful!

Thank you, God and Universe, for these seeming absurdities that I pursue, and for my ability to pursue them so full-heartedly and effectively.

Please, bless my mouth and brain, that I succeed with Russian beautifully and bring joy and honor to the speakers of this beautiful and slightly frightening language.

Post-a-day 2021