Tag: dreams

Tum Tumm

I’ve had this drum for almost two years now, and I still am not very good at playing it. I haven’t had any lessons of any kind, because I don’t know drum players (for this kind), and I’m just not an internet lesson person (despite my encouraging others to do it regularly!)… man…, how do I sort out my life enough to be able to do all those internet lessons I have been wanting to do these past few years???

I think part of it is financial security. Another part is the predictability of my schedule and life that usually comes with financial stability and security. That makes the routine possible, and having the routine is something I both want and need for my learning things of all kinds. At present, though, I don’t allow myself the mental space for such things, as there is too much else that is more important that I still need to figure out, versus these things I just want to figure out. Yeah…

Hmm…

I’m hoping Thanksgiving week has drumming in it for me(!!!).

Post-a-day 2021

Completion and New Beginnings

As this chapter comes to a close, God and Universe, please, guide me into the opening of the next chapter calmly, comfortably, gratefully, and wholeheartedly. May I bless the world with who I am and in all that I do, sharing fully your love with all those tied to me and this life. Help me to breathe easily in the knowledge that this all is perfect exactly as it is, and that you will use me perfectly for what only I can do and for what I am created and made to do. Please, give me the courage to do what needs most to be done, and to love truly.

Amen.

Amen.

Amen.

Gratitude

Post-a-day 2021

Empty pockets, empty soul?

Tonight, I attended Mass at one of the wealthiest parishes in town. It was natural that the priest was insistent that everyone take a paper bag for the food drive – it has a list of items on it for one to purchase and then return to the church in the paper bag.

I did not take a bag, though I did consider it. I am not financially stable in a way that I can safely sacrifice the money it would cost to get all the items. Because it would be that for me, a sacrifice. I have barely been able to afford my own groceries and life bills lately. I cannot safely provide them for others, not right now, no matter how I may want to do so.

And so, as I was leaving Mass, the priest asked if I had gotten a bag. I told him that I hadn’t. ‘Why not?’ ‘It is not something I can do right now,’ I reply with best coming to my eyes. ‘Why not?’ ‘Because it requires money, which I do not have at present.’ ‘Ask your parents!’ he declares jovially, but allows me to thank him for Mass and pass without a bag.

I was fully crying by the time I reached the curb.

I immediately evaluated what was happening, of course. I was equating my financial situation with my personal worth, as well as my success as a person and adult and one worthy of being loved. And it sucked. And that was okay.

I reminded myself that being in my present situation isn’t bad. It is just what’s so, and my discomfort is merely a clear sign that I want to change something about it all. And so, what do I want to change about it all? Well, I want to teach. And at this particular school. If I need to wait another six months or hear and a half before I get to do that for real, that’s okay. Until then, I will continue to make myself better for my work, as well as make a difference in the world in my daily life. And I will make true efforts to have more money coming to me and reliably so. I can do this. And, as I mentioned to someone else today, failing at something doesn’t mean I am bad. It just shows how I can improve and allows me an opportunity to do so. Alors, let’s do it, Banana. We can do this.

Post-a-day 2021

Vulnerability

Well, I was shut down and crushed in one area this week. But then I was praised and respected in another. The boys – I suppose they are technically men, though their brains, I think, are not fully developed [not being by mean here – that’s a real thing] yet – officially requested to be my friends. I am to change the group chat name from ‘“Buddies”’ to something with “friends” in it, whenever I consider them to be friends of mine, instead of just acquaintances and buddies. And yes, the word buddies is in quotes in the actual name. No, I did not do that myself. 😛

Anyway, they expressed the need for vulnerability in friendships, and so I offered up a good chunk of that in our group chat, after our adventures together tonight, and I shared what I had written about the abuse I experienced in college.

We shall see what happens…

Post-a-day 2021

Alas… a lass

Little girl in me is crushed – fairly certain he’s in a relationship. 😭😭😭
Correction: I think he is, and that hurts as much as being fairly certain.
Ugh… I supise it isn’t actually that big of a deal. However, it is causing me to have to deal with a lot of negative emotions and engrained thoughts around the idea of my not being good enough, not worth it. If I really were good enough, they wouldn’t reject me, right? That’s the main feeling today. Of course, part of me still hopes that what I discovered today was misinterpreted (by me, of course). However, allowing the large possibility of my having interpreted accurately, there is a part of me that is grateful to God for having shown it to me today. I only just spoke openly about my interest to anyone yesterday, and this happenstance felt like the world’s reply, in a way. Because many things kept going oddly, in order for me to end up exactly where I was when I was there, and for me to see exactly what I saw. 30 seconds difference, even, could have shown me something entirely different. But the Universe wanted me there at that exact moment, and so I was. Now, I must let go and let God – it will be all revealed in time, as is needed for my life to be the beautiful blessing that I am here to create with God and the Universe. Dearest cosmos, please, help me to release this pain.
And God and Universe, thank you.
Post-a-day 2021

Shogūn

Alas, the adventure has begun: I am taking on reading the novel Shogūn (technically pronounced as ‘show goon’, but usually pronounced as ‘show gun’ in English) by James Clavell. Perhaps, after I finish the 1100+ pages (or 65 audiobook tracks), I might watch the show about which I have heard much in my life (mostly from my mother).

Stories of a gaijin in Japan, here I come!

Post-a-day 2021

Learning fiend*

*friend, do I mean??? ;P

Well, I am apparently learning some Russian now. And it has beautifully reestablished a deer friendship of mine from high school, for which I am already grateful!

Thank you, God and Universe, for these seeming absurdities that I pursue, and for my ability to pursue them so full-heartedly and effectively.

Please, bless my mouth and brain, that I succeed with Russian beautifully and bring joy and honor to the speakers of this beautiful and slightly frightening language.

Post-a-day 2021

Sometimes

Sometimes, I feel insignificant, unnecessary, unwanted, only loved out of requirement or convenience; merely accepted.

I imagine many people in the world experience this in life, too.

I want to be a source for people always to feel loved fully, wholly, for exactly who they are and exactly who they are not. We are perfectly ourselves, and I am in love with that, in love with each of us, these beautiful blessings of God and the Universe.

Post-a-day 2021