A priest just said that the apostles likely were roughly in their late teens or early twenties…
Somehow, that is really odd for me to grasp.
And yet… perhaps it does make sense, considering how they reacted to so many things in very… young ways… huh…
Well… time to sit with this totally new idea that they weren’t all Jesus’s age!
Haha
Weird. đ
Post-a-day 2024
A few years ago, I started participating in a Japanese practice called Kakizome. On January second, one creates oneâs kakizome, âfirst writingâ, of the year. This first writing is a single word or phrase that is oneâs goal and intention for the year as a whole. It is intended that we put our kakizome somewhere visible, so we see it regularly and consistently throughout the year. Since participating in this practice, I have found that my own kakizome has, unintentionally, and without my even noticing, been the challenge I end up facing consistently through ought that year. And, by facing that challenge again and again, I have overcome some big hurdle in my life and have become powerfully more the person I long to be and am called to be by God. Put differently, I have become a better version of myself in a significant way each year, after facing trial after trial of my kakizome for that year. And it was never on purpose – it just came up over and over again. One year was confidence in myself and heart (when I healed a lot of emotional and psychological wounds from some rather terrible abuse, and started writing wonderful songs and sharing myself with the world in a beautiful and loving and confident self-expression). Another was embodiment (thatâs when I physically hit all my goals of fitness, felt the most beautiful I ever have been, met the man of my life, and became the person who prays whom I had longed to be). This yearâs⌠well, weâll get to that.
Now, sometimes, it is really hard to see and to understand Godâs plans for us. Perhaps that is how He wants it to be. Perhaps that is how He needs it to be. Perhaps that is how we need it to be in order for everything to work out as God has planned so beautifully.
Whatever the case, it often is not very easy to be calm and easygoing when things seem impossible. When God has granted me these longings, these wishes, these dreams towards which to strive, and everything seems finally so close to fulfilling on those dreams, yet starts to pull away from that pathway⌠it can be extremely difficult to trust in God and His oh-so-unclear plans⌠When the labyrinth of Godâs love and plans takes the route closest to the inside, and then swerves to the outermost path⌠faith gets tested, to be sure.
And that is, basically, my every day right now⌠and that kind of really sucksâŚ
What is ironic – and, possibly, perfect and relieving – about it all, though, is that my kakizome for this year is âfaith in Godâ, in the sense of trusting in Him, having confidence in Him – âJesus, I trust in you.â Like that.
So, I guess, it really is no wonder that I am having such massive experiences of having to trust in God this year, and on a whole ânother level from the usual trust I have to put in Him. Usually, it is for much smaller things and not all too often. This year, however, it has been for massive thing after massive thing. I have been hit with so many impossible-feeling situations, that the only consistency I have felt this year is a sense of everything being up on the air and unknown. I have handed thing after things up to God – here, God, I entrust this fully to you, has been a norm for me this year. I have even given Him some intense stuff that I would like to let go from my life entirely, demons that I have asked Him to take away from me fully⌠there is not much this year where I havenât given it all up to God and entrusted it to Him and His judgement. But it seems there is plenty more to go stillâŚ
Iâm genuinely laughing and crying right now. It is comical in its irony.
Okay, God, have it all. I am so scared, and I am trusting you, anyway, even with my fear – have that, too. I am hear to love you and to be your love in the world. You know best how to make that happen. So, though it terrifies you, I hand myself and my whole life you to. Please, take good care of us. We love you. I love you, Abba. I give up fighting you. I give up not trusting you wholly. Please, help me to find peace, even in my unknowing. Help my man to find peace in it all, too, please. And, if it be your will, please, grant us both these spectacular wishes and desires for the future that you have given to us both, with you at their center. Thank you for this life. In your name, I pray. Amen. Amen. Amen. Hallelujah.
Saint Jude, pray for us.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.
Amen.
Post-a-day 2023
And thus begins Advent, a season of preparation for the coming of Christ Jesus (also known worldwide in English-speaking communities as âbaby Jesusâ). May we all find beauty in the struggles of our preparations for welcoming God into our lives wholly and newly this Christmas season. May Godâs will be done among us all, and May we be our best selves. May our Advent be very advent-agious both to ourselves and to the world at large. Amen.
Post-a-day 2022
âWill no one stay awake??? Peter? John? James?â
Sung smoothly and almost eerily to a smooth and vivid tune, Jesus asks these words. Yet, how often do we everyday people experience something similar to this? The ones we love and who love us not supporting us in what we are doing, not for lack of effort or care, but for lack of realizing that merely their presence and attention would have made all the difference in the world in our having felt supported.
Post-a-day 2022
And so, we light the Easter candle⌠from 2012. ⤠Happy ten years! And happy Jesus!
Post-a-day 2022
As we celebrate the rising of Jesus the Christ, both from death into life and in helping us toward eternal, loving life, may we remember that every day, every moment is an opportunity for us, too, to rise to the occasion, to love irrationally and wholly.
Happy Easter, yâall!! ⤠⤠â¤
Post-a-day 2022
Tonight, something burned away from me. Big time.
We had a whole day of events at church today, and it was really cool, right? Well, it all ended with Mass and then Adoration. For those who donât know, Adoration is when a priest brings out the blessed sacrament and puts it on display for folks to adore. Put differently, it is an opportunity for people to sit in a physical presence of God, to look right at a physical form of Him. (The blessed sacrament is bread that has undergone transubstantiation, a change of form/state, into the exact form that was the bread Jesus, way back when in the Garden of Gethsemane, declared to be his body. The priests have a beautiful right – is it actually called a right?? Now, Iâm doubting myself here⌠– in which they recreate Jesusâ words and actions, allowing for the bread and wine to become the body and blood of Christ, just as they were when Jesus declared them to be his body and blood.) Itâs like having someone here in person, instead of over the phone – prayer, aka conversation, with one sitting right in front of us.
During Adoration tonight, there was some music, some prayer led aloud, and some silence. For part of the time, the blessed sacrament sat on the altar for all to see. And, eventually, the priests and deacons carried it slowly around the entire church – itâs a quite large church, you see – for everyone to be able to pray right up close to the blessed sacrament.
I tell you, every time I got to see it straight on, clearly, I suddenly lost the capacity to sing. All I experienced in those moments was intensity through my whole being, like a current being upped immensely in power. The words that suddenly filled my head were simply, âLove,â and, âMy Love.â Every time.
And then, when it came around by us – I was even on the end of the pew, and they stopped almost exactly next to me – things went to a whole new level. As it turned the corner onto our aisle, my breathing became inexplicably heavy and fast. My tears turned into heavy, intense crying. I was in a sudden full-blown, desperation-type cry in mere moments. We were already kneeling, and I couldnât even keep myself up – I fell to the ground⌠or, rather, I went from sitting tall on my knees to collapsing on my heels, holding onto the pew to keep myself from falling off the kneeler, my chin just above even with the pew back where I was holding myself still upright, but lower to the ground than before.
When they were within about a meter or two, I felt a sudden heat approaching me, coming from their direction. As they got next to me, I felt like the intensity of a sun was exploding outward from the small group of priests as deacons, the blessed sacrament at the center. My entire body was intensely hot, in a matter of moments and directly connected to the position of the blessed sacrament. As I roughly cried my heart out, my whole body shaking, I could feel something burning away from me, layers being penetrated and spots being dissolved in the crazy heat. It felt like a fever times two. I considered how I needed to take off my sweatshirt, also the jacket that had been covering the backs of my legs⌠yet I couldnât make a move beyond crying and clinging to the pew, looking directly to the blessed sacrament, struggling to breathe calmly (and failing). I even felt one priest notice and look right at me as I fell downward, but I didnât even look at him as I typically would do. I was pinned.
And then, this small eternity in the cosmos ended. The priests and deacons began to walk again, moving to the next spot. As they moved away, I could feel the temperature changing by small jolts with each step they took. Perhaps thirty seconds or so later, I found no need to remove my sweatshirt, as it was back to the winter cool it had been all day in the church.
And I collapsed even further, like all my energy had been spent, like after a long, long day of work and a nice cleansing shower, how I collapse into bed⌠it felt like that. I could barely even hold onto the pew back at this point, I just draped an arm on it to keep me from collapsing fully to the floor. My eyes could just see over the pew back, following the blessed sacrament still, but from a distance now. All my energy was gone. I had been well worn, it felt, well washed and scrubbed and cleaned. I tried singing a bit, and could only manage it when I couldnât see the blessed sacrament directly. Every time I saw it, no sound was emitted from me, now matter how I may have intended.
I eventually got my energy restored and was even more energetic afterward than I had been all day today. My mom was asking the main priest about a quote afterward, and I joined them briefly as I returned from a bathroom trip. The priest recognized me from adoration – he remembered seeing me crying. I wasnât embarrassed. Not in the least.
And I noticed that I felt so much more myself now, not so afraid or strained or stressed about anything anymore. Weight had been lifted, and from all of me, somehow. Now, Iâm going to bed much later than I like or than usual. I am utterly exhausted. I do not know what is going to happen with my living situation or my financial situation. Nope. And, somehow, Iâm not secretly incredibly stressed about that. Weâll just face that tomorrow and onward. May Godâs way manifest clearly and beautifully, and may I embody it fully through myself in every way.
Post-a-day 2022
I book-clubbed tonight… on a book about God. Actually, on a book about Jesus.
I have never done that before.
I had never really wanted to do that before, though, because Iâm not sure I have ever really had friends who are comfortable enough in themselves to be able to see and speak honestly about all of it and their own lives and experiences. So, it is cool that I have a friend like that, that we are both like that these days.
And I enjoyed the book-clubbing… cheesy as the questions may have been… and un-relatable as the authorâs experience may be for me (and my friend)… But it was nice to talk about such things and in such a way. I am satisfied from it. Like a few sips of sparkling, cool beverage on a warm day. Satisfied. đ
Post-a-day 2020
And Satan cackles, âAlas, I have conquered this Jesus!â
But, rising from the dead on the third day, young Jesus declares to an astonished Satan, âApril Fools!â
âNoooooooooo…..,â weeps Satan.
Post-a-day 2018
Last night, it snowed here. In Houston, Texas. It happened yet again. What miracles lie before us? It began after I went to sleep, and didn’t begin to stick until after I woke up for a bathroom break in the middle of the night. So, I woke up to snow covering everything that wasn’t concrete this morning. Which, when you think about it, is kind of the best kind of snow – you don’t have to shovel or worry about tire chains or anything, but you get to have beautiful snow everywhere around you.
The hit of the morning was arriving to school. My mom drove me in, because we were going to a Christkindlmarkt (German Christmas market) together after school, and the market was too far away for me to drive home first and then go, and it didn’t make sense for us to drive two cars out there. She was staying for a bit, because we had Mass at school for the Immaculate Conception, and this was a chance for her to see the school a little bit. Pulling into the parking lot (vacant of teachers, because we were so early), we discovered a sort of snowball fight happening in the picnic table area next to the lot. We didn’t have much snow on the ground, but the kids were making some snowballs out of it, and throwing them around at one another. It was adorable.
Naturally, my mom declared that I had to make a snowball, as we were leaving the car. I grabbed an already-made snowball from the ground, which had lost only a bit after originally falling there, and showed it to her. As she eyed me up while she finished off her own snowball, I realized that she intended to throw hers at me.
And so the fight began.
My mom and I, shuffling around a parking lot and a small grassy area with snow about it, picking up and throwing odd snowballs at one another, practically screeching with delight. When I was turned away, a snowball hit her square in the back of the head. No one was too near us, though, so it had come a long way. And these were a little tough for regular snowballs, so it definitely hurt her a bit in the moment (stung, perhaps, is the appropriate word here). It didn’t ruin out fun, of course, but merely added to the silliness of the whole affair – one of my students had attacked my mother with a snowball*. No part of that declaration makes sense for living here, in Houston, Texas. đ
In class, before Mass, kids lined up at the windows to stare at the snow in the courtyard below and on the roofs within view. This was only the second time in their lives that it has snowed here, so their fascination with it was completely understandable, and utterly adorable.
Today had some magic, that’s for sure.
*I found out later that the student who hit my mom actually was a student of mine. He asked me ‘who that teacher was, walking with me earlier,’ and, when I asked for clarification, he described the morning snowball affair. “That was my mom.” In shock, he declared that he thought it was a teacher and asked me to tell my mom that he was sorry for what he did to her. (My mom and I laughed at the thought that he apologized for having hit my mom, but that is seems to be the case that he willingly would hit a teacher in the head with a hard snowball, without question.)
P.S. My task today was to “[d]raw a Christmas card”. So, I drew one on the roof of my mom’s car tonight as we were leaving the Christkindlmarkt. Frost had begun to reappear all over the place.
Post-a-day 2017
hannah ananas 